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'Merit,  even  oT  the  highest,  without  a  corrtspondlng   good   manner, 
is  like  a  flower  without  ptrfume  or  a  tree  without  leaves." 


<^}y 


THE    AMERICAN 


t  of  IMamtiwsj 


A   STUDY   OF   THE 


USAGES,  LAWS  AND  OBSERVANCES 

WHICH  GOVERN   INTERCOURSE  IN  THE 
BEST  SOCIAL  CIRCLES, 

AND   OF   THE 

PRINCIPLES  WHICH  UNDERLIE  THEM. 


Eepi-inted  from  ''Andrews''  American  Queen. 


New  York  :   W.  R.  Andrews. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year 
1880,  by 

W .     R .     ANDREWS. 

in  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  al 
Washington. 


PREFACE. 


THE  editor  of  The  American  Queew,  like 
many  another  editor  of  a  fashionable  jour- 
nal, has  been  for  some  time  the  recipient  of 
innumerable  letters,  all  of  which  have  for  their 
burden  the  request  that  he  will  enlighten  the 
writers  as  to  some  vexed  question  of  etiquette. 
These  letters  come  from  young  ladies  in  the 
West  and  East ;  from  young  housekeepers  who 
are  beginning,  far  from  the  great  cities,  the  first 
arduous  attempts  at  dinner-giving ;  from  young 
men  who  are  rising  in  the  world,  and  who  are 
beginning  to  aspire  toward  that  knowledge  of 
society  from  which  they  have  been  debarred  by 
a  youth  of  industry  :  from  elderly  people,  to 
whom  fortune  has  come  late,  but  whose  children 
begin  to  wish  to  know  how  to  take  their  places 
in  the  gay  world  ;  from  all  parts  of  the  country, 
in  fact,  come  these  letters,  too  many  of  them  to 
be  answered  individually.  Therefore,  in  order 
not  to  ignore  them,  but  to  answer  them  collect- 
ively, he  has  caused  to  be  written  a  series  ol 


2071074 


ii.  PREFACE. 

articles,  called  "  The  American  Code  of  Man- 
ners," which  he  now  collects  into  a  book,  hoping 
that,  by  this  means,  his  many  correspondents  may 
be  answered,  or,  at  least,  assured  that  he  is  not 
indifferent  to  their  requests.  The  most  that  can 
be  claimed  for  this  book  is,  that  it  is  not  the 
result  of  either  ignorance  or  inexperience.  It 
has  not  been  written  hastily  or  without  some 
thought.  Many,  indeed  all,  well-known  books 
of  etiquette  have  been  carefully  read  and  con- 
sulted by  the  writer,  much  good  advice  has 
been  asked  and  taken,  and  yet,  no  doubt,  it  is 
still  very  far  from  being  what  the  writer  would 
fain  have  made  it — an  unerring  guide  to  good 
manners. 

Books  of  etiquette  may  be  divided  into  three 
classes— those  which  are  written  by  people  who 
know  nothing  of  society,  or  who,  at  best,  have  only 
been  permitted  a  glimpse  of  its  coarser  manifesta- 
tions at  a  watering-place  ;  or  by  those  who  seek  to 
avenge  their  anger  at  not  having  been  admitted 
to  the  arena,  by  abusing  it ;  or  those  which  are 
written  by  people  who  know  so  much  of  society, 
that  they  forget  the  steps  by  which  they  have 
risen,  and  who  fail,  as  some  grammarians  do.  to 


Hi, 


give  the  learner  the  first  principle,  without  which 
all  subsequent  teaching  is  in  vain. 

Many  books  of  etiquette  are  as  useless  as  Ollen- 
dorff 's  French  Grammar,  which  gives  the  scholar 
phrases  which  he  can  never  use,  as  "  Have  you  the 
cotton  nightcap  of  the  shoemaker,"  instead  of 
telling  him  how  to  ask  for  his  dinner,  or  teaching 
him  how  to  form  a  sentence.  The  experts  of 
society  are,  on  the  contrary,  as  certainly  skilled 
in  the  laws  which  govern  that  great  world  as  are 
the  oflQcers  of  the  army  in  the  regulation  code. 
Officers  of  the  army  know  not  alone  the  art  of 
war,  but  they  know  the  etiquette  of  the  camp — the 
proper  dress,  the  salute  due  to  each  officer.  It  is 
a  study.  No  man  can  enter  the  army  from  the 
ranks  of  civil  life,  without  committing  some 
flagrant  solecism  which,  to  a  regularly-educated 
officer,  would  be  impossible. 

So  with  the  uninformed  writers  upon  fashion 
—their  errors  are  endless  and  ridiculous.  Nor 
would  we  claim  that  a  book  of  etiquette  can 
be  written  which  sfiall  he  perfect,  even  by  an  ex- 
pert ;  for  etiquette  is  cumulative,  changeful  and 
uncertain.  "  The  fashion  of  this  world  passeth 
away."    We  can,  at  best,  but  remotely  fix  the 


IV.  PRBFACfe. 

manners  of  the  time  we  live  in  ;  people  differ 
about  trifles.  The  manners  of  the  West  are  not 
the  manners  of  the  East.  There  will  never  be  a 
faultless  code  of  manners  vn-itten,  although  It 
may  be  spoken,  understood  and  felt.  We  have 
a  thousand  refinements  and  fashions  now  which 
were  to  our  ancestors  unknown.  We  have  lost, 
too,  much  which  they  had  gained.  Our  hours, 
dress,  houses,  are  vastly  different  from  theirs. 
Their  bows  and  courtesies  were  better  than  ours, 
and  our  children's  children,  again,  will  have  an- 
other set  of  manners  and  customs  differing  from 
ours.  But  for  the  moment,  we  have  done  the 
best  we  can  to  help  those  who  wish  to  inriuire 
into  the  etiquette  of  our  best  society.  We  have 
hinted  at  some  national  mistakes  in  the  last  few 
chapters,  for  no  one  can  learn  anything  until  he 
has  been  told  wherein  he  is  wrong  ;  and,  in  some 
respects,  the  young  American  is  very  wrons^'. 

The  mischievous  tendencies  of  our  society  are 
many,  and  always  tend  to  lower  the  tone  of  good 
manners.  The  vulgar  worship  of  wealth,  the 
imitating  of  foreign  vices  and  follies,  contempt  of 
the  domestic  virtues,  impoliteness  of  young  men, 
and  the  fast  and  immodest  manners  of  young 


PREFACE. 


women,  should  all  be  taken  into  consideration  in 
the  efforts  which  some  well-intentioned  people 
are  making  to  introduce  a  perfect  American 
Code  of  Manners.  Until  these  faults  are  wholly 
mended,  we  need  never  hope  to  have  an  elegant 
society.  The  aristocratic  code  in  Europe  retains 
always  a  certain  semblance  of  decency,  no  matter 
how  dissolute  and  vicious  society  may  be.  With 
us,  the  manners  of  our  people  must  proceed 
from  their  morals ;  and,  as  we  have  no  queen, 
no  court,  no  nobility,  to  set  our  fashions,  we  must 
set  them  ourselves. 

Hoping  that  this  little  book  will  answer  some 

doubts  and  solve  some  problems ;  that  it  will 

encourage  the  modest  and  rebuke  the  rude  ;■  that 

it  will,  at  least,  write  its  initial  motto  on  some 

refined  and  questioning  natures,  we  offer  it  as  a 

tribute  to  that  ideal  society  which  shall  be  when 

the  American  Code  of  Manners  is  the  expression 

of  an  American  code  of  morals,  as  high,  as  true,  as 

unselfish  and  as  courteous  as  that  last  speech  of 

Sir  Philip  Sydney,  on  the  battle-field,  to  the  dying 

soldier,  when  he  gave  him  his  cup  of  cold  water : 

-  Take  it,  my  friend  :   thy  necessities  are  greater 

than  mine.  '■ ' 


It  may  almost  be  said  that  politeness  is  a  for- 
getfulness  of  self,  a  recognition  of  the  rights  of 
others ;  and  yet  so  indefinable  is  manner,  so 
indescribable  is  that  grace,  that  aroma  of  good 
society,  which  comes  from  a  long  and  intimate 
knowledge  of  the  customs  and  the  conversation 
of  educated,  refined  and  polished  people,  that  any 
attempt  to  define  the  exact  shade  of  demeanor 
which  should  be  assumed,  in  order  to  fit  a  person 
to  enter  into  it,  would  be  like  attempting  to  draw 
the  shape  of  the  wings  of  the  wdnd,  or  to  define 
the  warmth  and  the  size  of  the  sunbeams. 

Good  manners  and  a  knowledge  of  correct  eti- 
quette must,  therefore,  depend  largely  upon  the 
learner.  The  teacher  can  do  but  little.  A  few 
certain  rules  there  are,  and  they  are  plainly  stated 
in  this  book.  A  few  general  principles— certain 
gulfs  to  be  avoided,  certain  hills  to  climb,  the  gen- 
eral geography  of  etiquette — have  been  pointed 
out ;  but  the  quiet  by-ways  and  lovely  flowered 
lanes  which  lead  into  the  heart  of  the-best  society — 
these  mu.st  be  explored,  always,  by  the  light  of 
such  lanterns  as  tact,  sense,  perseverance,  and  an 
interest  in  the  subject. 

The  Author. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE. 

Introductory, 7 

The  Young  Man  who  Desires  to  Enter  Society,  20 
A  Young  Lady's  Entrance  into  Society,  .  .  3^ 
A   Young   Couple   on   their    Entrance    into 

Society, 45 

Dinners,  Large  and  Small— their  Etiquette, 

Number  of  Courses  and  Limitations,        .       .    58 
State  Dinners,  Formal  Dinners  and  Famous 

Dinners, 71 

Receptions,  Teas,  Luncheons,         .        .        .        .83 

Who  Should  Bow  First?     Who  Should  Speak 

First  ?    Who  Should  Call  First  ?       .        .        .95 
Conduct  in  a  Crowd,  .        .        .        .        .        .107 

The  Etiquette  op  Weddings,  of  Calls  op  Con- 
gratulation AND  OF  Sympathy,  .        .        .        .119 

American  Mistakes, 132 

Social  Observances  Toward  Foreigners  and 

Toward  Our  Own  Great  People,        .        .        .146 
Young  People  at  a  Watering  Place,    .        .        .158 

A  Haughty  Hostess, 170 

The  Etiquette  op  Cards,  ....  .182 


CONTENTS. 

PACK. 

Fliktation  and  Increasing  Fastness  of  Manner,  194 

The  Manners  of  Young  Men, 307 

Real  and  Conventional  Breeding,       .        .        .  219 

The  Ethics  of  Dress, 230 

An  American  Returned  from  Europe,        .       .  242 
The  Money  Marriage  Market,       ....  253 

Recognition  and  Salutation, 266 

The  Arab  Law  op  Hospitality,       ....  278 

dnARACTERISTICS  OF  DIFFERENT  CiTIES,  .  .  .   288 

The  Morals  of  Fashion, 299 

Several  Kinds  of  Exclusiveness,  .        .        .312 

Breeding,  Cultivation  and  Manners,  .  .323 

The  Duties  op  Americans  to  Society,  .       .       .335 

The  Use  of  Certain  Words, 347 

Dinners  and  Breakfasts  Once  More  Consid- 
ered,   357 

Teas,  High  Teas  and  Calls, 368 

A  Few  Last  Words  on  Etiquette,  ....  380 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 


INTRODUCTORY. 

AS  everything  in  a  republic  is  chaotic  and 
uncertain  at  first — as  it  is,  from  its  very 
inception,  a  "new  departure;"  as  we  are  just 
now  beginning  to  test  the  virtues  and  the  evils  of 
universal  suffrage,  so  it  is  not  astonishing  that 
our  observance  of  etiquette  has  been  chaotic, 
uncertain  and  occasionally  absurd.  It  would 
naturally  be  the  last  thing  to  right  itself  in  a 
nation  so  vast  as  ours,  with  a  population  made 
up  of  every  other  nationality,  and  with  that 
"glittering  generality"  incorporated  into  our 
Declaration  of  Independence  "that  all  men  are 
created  equal." 

For  no  greater  mistake  was  ever  penned  than 
that  last  statement.  A  man  maybe  bom  to  great 
freedom  as  to  his  political  opinions,  but  he  is  not 
free  ;  he  may  be  equally  trammeled  by  riches  as 


8  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

by  poverty.  He  is  not  the  equal  of  some  other 
man  who  has  more  brains,  more  health,  more 
vigor  than  he  has.  The  world  is  always  full  of 
inequalities.  We  may  call  it  luck,  or  tact,  or 
knack,  or  fate,  or  what  we  will— some  people  are 
always  superior  to  some  other  people,  and  always 
will  be.  As  we  look  at  the  world  through  eighteen 
Christian  centuries,  we  see  that  in  every  capital, 
every  country  town,  there  has  been  a  high,  well- 
to-do,  distinctive  class,  setting  the  fashions,  hold- 
ing the  power,  being  looked  up  to ;  and  we  see, 
also,  another  class  — those  who  are  looking 
up.  Of  course,  the  distinctions  of  rank, 
title  and  grade  are  abolished  in  this  coun- 
try. And  here  we  have  our  own  great 
distinction,  which  is  that  every  American  man 
and  every  American  woman  can,  if  they  are  edu- 
cated, refined,  and  know  how  to  behave  them- 
selves, enter  on  an  equality  the  society  of  princes. 
Still  the  fact  remains  that,  until  they  do  achieve 
a  certain  knowledge  of  the  rules  of  etiquette, 
they  are  not  presentable  in  the  drawing-room  of  a 
well-bred  lady  in  any  part  of  the  world. 

Society  is  like    a    convention,   a  town   meet- 
in'^  a  trades  union,  a  caucus.    Did  it  not  have 


THE   AMEBICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  9 

certain  rules  it  would  relapse  into  chaos,  and 
those  rules  are,  by  common  consent,  called  by  one 
generic  term — Etiquette. 

To  obtain  a  knowledge  of  etiquette  has  been 
the  study  of  clever  men  at  various  courts  of 
Europe,  sometimes  for  a  lifetime.  It  grew  to  be 
so  absurd  and  overloaded  at  certain  courts  in  the 
last  century  that  nature  was  stifled  behind  it.  and 
occasionally  a  lively  little  queen  or  an  impulsive 
king  overthrew  it  with  something  not  very  unlike 
a  kick.  Indeed,  Shakespeare  makes  King  Henry, 
as  he  woos  the  fair  Katherine  of  France,  say 
with  delightful  elegance,  "Nice  customs  cou7-tesy 
to  great  kings;"  but  still,  so  important  was  this 
state  and  etiquette  in  the  minds  of  the  common 
people,  that,  no  doubt,  Marie  Antoinette  drew 
down  the  wrath  of  the  French  people  by  her  im- 
patience at  its  stringency,  and  her  childish  love 
of  fun,  her  '*  descampativos"  in  the  gardens  of 
Versailles,  were  misinterpreted  by  the  lookers-on, 
and  those  who  were  accustomed  to  "  that  Divinity 
which  doth  hedge  a  king  "  were  thus  disillusioned 
and  injured  by  her  lawlessness. 

The  human  mind  is  very  fond  of  authority  ;  it 
likes  precedent.    More  than  half  the  world  wisho 


10  THE  AMRKTCAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS. 

to  be  told  what  to  do,  and  the  attitude  of  looking  up 
is  said  by  scolptors  to  be  the  most  graceful  one 
which  the  human  form  can  adopt.  Now  it  is  a 
mistake  to  suppose  that  a  man  loses  his  indepen- 
dence when  his  manners  take  on  courtesy.  Far 
from  it.  The  rulers  of  the  world  have,  in  nearly 
all  instances,  been  men  who  were  polite,  deferen- 
tial, modest.  Courtesy  of  manner  is  often  but 
another  form  of  self-respect.  The  polite  man  is 
very  apt  to  be  the  firmest,  the  most  inaccessi- 
ble of  men.  He  does  not  tell  his  secrets,  or  wear 
his  heart  upon  his  sleeve.  His  elegance  of  de- 
meanor is  like  the  ice  of  Mont  Blanc  ;  it  keeps 
climbers  at  a  distance,  unless  they  have  a  strong 
purpose  to  gain.  Rough  men,  uncivil  men,  have 
sometimes  an  idea  that  they  would  lose  their 
force  and  independence  if  they  became  polished. 
Far  from  it.  They  would  thus  put  on  an  armor 
of  proof. 

Certain  enfranchised  women  think  that  they 
gain  fame  and  power  by  abolishing  good  man- 
ners ;  but  this  is  a  mistake  so  profound,  so  deep 
and  so  lasting  that  it  will  right  itself  without  fur- 
ther comment.  The  power  of  a  woman  is  in  her 
refinement,  gentleness  and  elegance ;  it  is  she 


fSB  AMEttlCAN  CODE  Ot  MA.NNEES,  11 

Who  makes  etiquette,  and  it  is  she  who  preserves  < 
the  order  and  the  decency  of  society.    Without 
women,  men  soon  resume  the  savage  state,  and 
the  comfort  and  the  grace  of  the  home  are  ex- 
changed for  the  misery  of  the  mining  camp. 

In  America  we  have  the  foundation  of  good 
manners,  in  the  great  chivalry  of  the  men.  No 
men  have  so  profound  a  respect  for  women  ;  and 
this  is  the  beginning  of  the  best  etiquette.  Polite- 
ness, which  Sidney  Smith  said  was  one  of  the 
Christian  graces,  should  flow  from  the  heart,  and 
a  tenderness  and  protection,  extending  from  the 
weaker  to  the  stronger,  is  the  corner-stone  of 
good  manners.  From  the  captain  of  a  western 
steamboat  to  the  roughest  miner  in  California, 
from  north,  south,  east  and  west,  we  hear  but  one 
voice.  Women  are  to  be  protected,  respected, 
supported  and  petted.  There  is  no  such  paradise 
for  women  as  the  United  States  of  North  America. 

In  Paris,  the  headquarters  of  elegance,  the 
rottenness  of  an  old  civilization  has  undermined 
this  loyalty  to  the  ideal  woman.  In  London  there 
is  a  brutality  and  coarseness,  perhaps  partly  un- 
derlying the  English  character,  perhaps  proceed- 
ing  from    overcrowded  streets  and  tenements, 


12     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

which  descend  with  heavy  hand  upon  the  poorer 
women,  and  which  reach  by  atmospheric  pres- 
sure the  women  of  every  grade. 

Now,  having  thus  the  splendid  reality  of  all 
grace,  all  courtesy,  all  chivalry  in  the  character  of 
our  men,  we  have  to  look  at  the  character  of  our 
women,  who  are  the  recipients  of  this  loyal  and 
royal  bounty. 

A  lady  who  had  held  a  high  position  as  wife 
of  a  foreign  Minister  at  various  courts  of  Europe 
once  said  that  she  never  ceased  to  wonder  at  the 
talents  of  her  own  young  countrywomen.  "  They 
have  intuitions  of  elegance,"  was  her  comment. 
She  thought  that  their  native  refinement,  quick 
intelligence,  an  apprehension  of  the  necessities  of 
a  new  position,  were  almost  miraculous.  "A 
young  German  countess,"  said  she,  ''with  six- 
teen quarterings,  will  come  from  her  secluded 
chateau  to  the  court  at  Berlin,  awkward,  em- 
barrassed and  gauche.  It  takes  a  season  to 
make  her  at  her  ease.  A  young  American  lady 
will  come  from  a  New  England  town,  or  a  West- 
em  city,  and  she  will  be  at  her  ease,  and  perfect 
mistress  of  etiquette  in  a  month." 

Now  this  is  another  advantage  which  grows  out 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.  13 

of  an  American  code.  With  its  many  disadvan- 
tages it  has  this  great  advantage,  the  young 
American  lady  feels  herself  to  be  the  equal  of 
any  crowned  head  in  Europe.  So  long  as  this 
does  not  become  bumptionsness  it  is  an  advan- 
tage. When  it  does  become  an  excuse  for  rude- 
ness, or  bad  manners,  it  is  a  very  great  disad- 
vantage. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  the  American  girl  is 
somewhat  of  a  spoiled  child.  She  forgets  to  be 
polite,  to  be  deferential,  to  thank  a  gentleman 
for  giving  her  his  seat  in  an  omnibus  or  car.  She 
has  received  so  much  politeness  that  she  now 
takes  it  as  her  right. 

This  is  a  great  mistake.  No  woman  can  afford, 
be  she  ever  so  beautiful,  or  so  flattered,  or  so  well 
placed,  to  disregard  the  solvency  of  her  position. 
She  must  pay  her  debts,  bow  politely,  thank 
heartily,  receive  graciously  all  the  well-meant  and 
the  chivalrous  attentions  of  men. 

It  is  to  be  feared  that  American  women,  as  a 
class,  have  disregarded  etiquette  in  Europe  too 
much  ;  but  this  must  be  the  subject  of  a  separate 
paper,  as  it  is  a  most  important  one. 

Etiquette,  then,  is  simply  a  ^knowledge  of  how 


14  THB  AMERICAW   COOK  OF  MANNERS. 

to  behave  at  dinner,  ball,  private  party,  Presi- 
dent's reception,  on  the  drive,  at  the  races,  in 
the  private  circle,  or  at  a  public  reception  or  wed- 
ding, so  that  we  shall  be  most  agreeable,  most  or- 
namental, most  decent.  That  good  old  English 
word  is  disregarded  too  much.  It  is  a  beautiful 
word,  rightly  considered.  As  an  instance  of  its 
early  meaning,  one  of  the  old  English  poets  speaks 
of  "that  cleanly  and  decent  flower,  the  violet." 
It  is  both  cleanly  and  decent  to  observe  in  our 
friend's  house  the  respect  we  owe  to  him  and  to 
ourselves. 

It  is  not  respectable  to  go  to  a  President's  re- 
ception in  a  fustian  jacket  or  a  soiled  collar ;  a 
man  owes  it  to  himself,  as  an  American  prince, 
to  dress  himself  well  when  he  calls  on  his  Chief 
Magistrate.  A  gentleman  of  to-day  is  known  by 
his  cleanliness,  his  immaculate  linen ;  he  must 
bear  the  evidences  of  his  bath  about  with  him. 
He  may  wear  the  shabbiest  clothes  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  the  thickest  shoes ;  but  for  dinner 
and  evening  he  must  be  in  a  neat  black 
dress  suit,  with  either  black  or  white  tie — the  lat- 
ter the  most  distinguished — and,  certainly,  that 
simple  formula    costs    him   very  little    time    or 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  15 

trouble.  It  is  curious  that  men  are  willing  to 
commit  the  solecism  of  a  white  tie  with  a  frock 
coat,  or  to  wear  a  dress  coat  in  the  morning,  a 
heavy  morning  coat  in  the  evening  when  calling 
upon  a  lady  ;  any  of  these  violations  of  etiquette 
are  so  unnecessary,  and  the  observance  of  the 
proper  course  so  simple,  that  one  would  suppose 
that  the  right  way  would  be  the  easiest,  but  this 
is  again  a  matter  of  detail,  and  must  be  written 
up  hereafter. 

Etiquette  in  America  is  resolving  itself  into  a 
system,  and  the  best  sign  of  the  times  is  the  grow- 
ing interest  in  the  subject.  Every  American  citi- 
zen is  interested  in  the  best  way  of  doing  every- 
thing, and  a  man  of  true  character  and 
self-respect  is  always  willing  to  learn.  The  people 
who  make  the  most  mistakes  are  the  conceited 
and  the  half-learned.  "  A  little  learning  is  a 
dangerous  thing"  in  any  branch;  in  none 
more  so  than  in  society.  Some  people  go  about  a 
great  deal  without  apprehending  the  proprieties  ; 
they  dress  badly  and  out  of  season  ;  they  are  too 
showy  at  one  place,  too  plain  at  another,  as  the 
Empress  Eugenie  was  said  to  show  to  her  fellow- 
monarchs,  who  observed  her  curiously,  that  "  she 


16  THE   AMERICAK   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

was  not  born  to  the  purple  "  by  her  too  great  cor- 
diality to  some  and  her  too  great  coolness  to 
others.  She  effused  in  the  wrong  place  : 
so  do  those  who  know  a  little  of  social 
matters,  but  not  much,  always  commit  the 
most  important  and  glaring  errors.  The 
Indian  girl,  who  came  from  her  tent  in  the  wil- 
derness to  the  Queen's  drawing-room,  committed 
no  errors,  for  she  pretended  to  know  nothing. 
She  received  with  simple  and  impressive  dignity 
the  attentions  bestowed  upon  her,  and  gave  back 
a  queenly  smile  to  the  low  bows  of  the  courtiers. 

But  a  woman  who  effuses  too  much,  who  is 
swimming  in  affectation,  who  dresses  too  con- 
spicuously, who  i.s  too  cordial,  or  too  haughty — it 
is  she  who  commits  unconscious  solecisms.  To 
her  a  severe  code  of  etiquette  would  be  an  invalu- 
able guide.  She  should  be  told  that,  if  she  paints 
her  cheeks,  dyes  her  hair,  laces-in  her  waist  to 
breathlessness,  wears  too  high-heeled  shoes  or 
too  loud  dresses,  she  will  never  be  mistaken  for  a 
lady,  either  at  home  or  abroad.  She  may  be  mis- 
taken for  quite  another  person  than  the  lady  that 
she  is. 

Innocent   women,   from    very  ignorance,   are 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  17 

often  placed  in  a  false  position.  Sincerity  in 
dress  is  as  valuable  sometimes  as  sincerity  of 
character. 

No  lady  need  be  ashamed  to  dress  plainly,  or 
cheaply.  She  can,  with  the  help  of  the  modern 
guides  to  dress,  "appear  like  a  lady"  on  very 
little  money.  She  can  lay  down  three  rules  for 
herself :  Never  to  pretend  to  anything,  never  to 
wear  false  jewelry,  and,  affirt natively,  always  to 
be  neat. 

A  young  girl  with  a  white  mUslin  and  a  fresh 
flower  is  dressed  for  a  queen's  ball.  A  lady  of 
matuier  years  in  a  well-fitting  dark  silk,  real 
jewelry  or  none,  real  lace  or  none,  and  her  own 
hair— all  the  better  if  it  is  white — is  also  dressed 
for  a  ball. 

Not  that  gorgeous  dress  is  to  be  disdained— 
"As  costly  your  habit  as  your  purse  can  buy," 
always.  But  let  it  be  well  made,  by  an  artist, 
suiting  your  own  age  and  style. 

True  womanhood  includes  all  the  delicate  re- 
finements that  overflow  in  the  perfect  glove,  the 
well-fitting  shoe,  the  pretty  stocking,  the  neat 
frills,  the  becoming  bonnet.  The  American 
woman,  to  do  her  only  justice,  is  a  neat  creature 


18  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAimERS. 

by  instinct,  and  if  she  occasionally  gives  too 
much  thought  to  dress,  she  is  still  to  be  admired 
and  commended  for  her  daintiness. 

Etiquette  settles  many  a  disputed  point,  and 
brings  comfort  to  many  a  mind,  in  the  new 
positions  in  which  we  find  ourselves  placed 
toward  foreigners.  Many  Americans  are  sud- 
denly afflicted  with  a  crude  prosperity  which  they 
do  not  know  how  to  use  gracefully.  To  them 
etiquette  should  be  defined  as  a  code  of  laws.  It 
is  a  convenience. 

Edward  Everett  commanded  so  much  respect 
by  the  elegance  of  his  manners  when  Minister  to 
England,  that  some  Boston  man,  who  had  known 
him  as  a  youth,  asked  him  how  he  had  mastered 
the  science  of  European  etiquette ;  his  answer 
was  a  significant  one  : 

"  I  have  never  considered  any  subject  un- 
worthy of  intense  observation.  I  pride  myself 
on  the  manner  in  which  I  can  tie  up  a  brown 
paper  parcel." 

So,  in  the  most  cultivated  court  of  Europe, 
the  American  Minister  was  the  best-bred  man. 
On  the  other  hand,  our  great  man,  Andrew  Jack- 
son, thought  that  he  showed  his  Americanism 


TElt  AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.  19 

by  receiving  the  Frencli  Minister,  who  came  in 
full  uniform  to  present  his  credentials,  in  a 
ragged  dressing-gown  and  smoking  a  corn-cob 
pipe.  He  called  up  his  French  cook,  Denis,  to 
translate  for  him.  The  result  of  this  proceeding 
was  to  send  the  French  Minister  home  to  write 
to  his  Government  that  he  had  been  insulted.  It 
required  all  the  tact  of  Mr.  Van  Buren  to  explain 
away  the  conduct  of  the  eccentric  President. 

Our  republicanism  now  has  become  far  more 
genuine,  inasmuch  as  it  realizes  that  a  proper 
degree  of  etiquette  can  be  made  to  assist  us  in 
framing  an  American  code  of  manners  at  once 
elegant,  simple,  proper  and  decent,  which  will  ex- 
tend all  over  the  country,  which  shall  penetrate 
to  the  extremest  limits  of  civilization,  and  which 
shall  settle  points  of  controversy  in  the  great 
cities. 

It  is  not  a  slavish  adherence  to  Old  World  cere- 
monial. It  is  rather  like  our  Laurel  and  our  Rho- 
dodendron, a  new  and  flourishing  growth,  having 
its  roots  in  our  own  soil,  and  destined,  let  us 
hope,  to  ornament  and  improve  that  society 
which  has  so  splendid  a  future  before  it. 


20  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  I. 

THE  YOUNG  MAN  WHO  DE8IRES  TO  ENTER  SOCIETY. 

IN  our  introduction  we  considered  the  vastness 
of  our  subject,  a  subject  which  must  apply 
to  people  of  very  varied  fortune  and  position, 
and  which  requires  that  rules  be  laid  down 
which,  while  they  may  seem  preposterously 
elaborate  and  unnecessary  to  the  denizens  of 
cities,  are  still  like  the  grammar  of  an  unknown 
language  to  the  untaught  youth  or  maiden,  whose 
life  has  been  spent  in  seclusion  or  in  rustic  neigh- 
borhoods. The  old  story  of  King  George  IV. 
(quite  the  best  one  ever  told  of  him),  that — sym- 
pathizing with  the  embarrassment  of  a  young 
maid-of~honor,  newly  arrived  from  the  country, 
who  poured  her  tea  into  her  saucer  and  who  was 
laughed  at  by  the  surrounding  courtiers — he,  to 
encourage  her,  and  to  rebuke  them,  poured  his 
tea  into  his  saucer,  thus  making  it  the  fashion, 
bears  upon  our  idea.  No  one  wants  to  pour  his 
tea  into  his  saucer  if  it  is  not  the  custom  of 
polite  society,  for  here  we  have  no  King  George 


THE   AMEKICAJy    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  21 

to  keep  us  in  countenance.  We  must  be  right 
ourselves. 

Now,  a  young  man  coming  to  New  York  fresh 
from  life  on  the  Plains,  or  in  a  Western  or  East- 
ern college,  or  from  service  in  the  army,  or  from 
any  life  which  has  separated  him  from  the  society 
of  ladies,  would  be,  perhaps,  ignorant  of  many 
important  little  points  of  etiquette  which  it  be- 
hooves him  to  know 

He  should,  if  he  wishes  to  enter  society,  try  to 
get  a  letter  from  some  one  who  knows  him  well 
in  his  own  sphere  to  some  prominent  social 
leader  in  New  York.  If  this  is  done,  and  the 
lady  invites  him  to  her  house  and  makes  it  agree- 
able to  him,  he  has  nothing  further  to  do  but  to 
render  himself  agreeable  to  her  and  to  her  cu-cle  ; 
his  social  fortune  is  made. 

But  this  good  fortune  cannot  be  commanded 
always,  or  often.  Young  men  often  pass  through 
a  lonely  youth  in  a  great  city,  never  finding  that 
desired  opportunity.  But  to  many  it  comes 
through  friendship  on  the  cricket  ground,  at  the 
clubs,  in  their  business.  If  a  friend  says  thac 
"  Brockett  is  a  good  fellow,''  Brockett  will  proba- 
bly be  sought  out  and  invited. 


22  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAKNERS. 

It  is  hardly  creditable  for  a  young  man  to  live 
in  a  great  city  without  knowing  the  best  ladies' 
society.  He  should  seek  to  do  so,  and,  per- 
haps, the  simplest  way  would  be  for  him  to  ask 
some  friend  to  take  him  about,  and  to  introduce 
him.  Once  introduced,  Brockett  should  be  par- 
ticular to  not  transcend  the  delicate  outlines  of 
social  sufferance  ;  he  must  not  immediately  rush 
into  an  intimacy. 

A  call  should  never  be  too  long.  One  hour  was 
all  that  Madame  Recamier  granted  to  the  most 
agreeable  of  men.  She  said  that  she  could  stand 
nobody  longer  than  that.  The  rule  is  a  good  one 
for  an  evening  visit,  for  it  is  much  better  to  have 
your  hostess  wishing  that  you  would  stay  longer', 
than  to  stay  so  long  that  she  wishes  you  would  go. 

For  a  first  visit,  a  gentleman  should  always 
send  in  his  card.  After  that  he  may  dispense 
with  that  ceremony. 

A  gentleman  for  an  evening  visit  should  always 
be  in  an  evening  dress— black  broadcloth  dress- 
coat,  vest,  and  pantaloons,  faultless  linen,  and 
white  cravat ;  a  black  cravat  is  permissible,  but 
it  is  not  full  dress.  He  should  carry  a  crush  hat 
la  his  hand,  as  it  gives  him  something  to  hold,  to 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  23 

play  with,  often  a  great  help  to  a  shy  man.  His 
feet  should  be  in  low  shoes  and  silk  stockings,  it 
he  wishes  to  be  very  nice,  but  this  is  not  indis- 
pensable, except  for  dancing.  It  is,  however,  very 
becoming.  For  a  dinner  party  a  white  cravat  is 
de  i-igueur  ;  a  man  must  wear  it  then,  and  at  a  ball 
or  opera.  No  jewelry  of  any  kind  is  now  fashion- 
able but  finger-rings  for  gentlemen.  They  even 
discard  their  watch-chains  in  evening  dress.  But 
the  Prince  of  Wales  has  made  finger-rings  very 
fashionable  for  men.  The  rings  should  be  of 
dead-gold,  with  one  or  two  jewels  sunken  in,  and 
occasionally  a  serpent  ring  with  a  diamond  in 
the  head.  The  hand  should  be  especially  cared 
for ;  the  nails  beautifully  cut  and  trimmed,  like 
Lord  Byron's,  if  possible;  as  Lady  Blessington 
described  them,  "a  rose-leaf  with  a  half-moon 
in  it." 

If  the  hand  is  thus  evidently  cared  for,  no 
matter  how  big,  how  muscular,  how  masculine 
it  is,  the  more  so  the  better,  for  women  like  to 
see  men  look  strong  and  heroic,  as  if  they  could 
drive,  row,  play  ball,  cricket,  and  ''handle  the 


It  is  a  curious  and  eccentric  fashion,  but  now 


24  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

men  wear  no  gloves  in  society.  This  is  also  a 
fashion  introduced  by  the  Prince  of  Wales.  It 
must  be  a  great  saving  in  point  of  money. 

A  gentleman's  dress  should  be  so  perfectly 
quiet  that  it  will  never  excite  attention.  Thack- 
eray was  very  amusing  about  a  too  new  hat,  and 
declared  that  he  took  a  watering-pot  to  his  to  re- 
move an  objectionable  gloss.  The  suspicion  of 
being '*  dressed  up"  defeats  an  otherwise  excel- 
lent toilette. 

We  will  suppose  that  Brockett '  becomes 
sufficiently  acquainted  to  be  asked  to  join  a 
theatre  party;  he  must  be  punctual  at  the 
rendezvous  and  take  whatever  partner  his 
hostess  apportions  to  him,  but  he  must  not 
offer  to  send  a  carriage ;  that  must  come 
from  the  giver  of  the  party.  In  this,  Eastern 
and  Western  etiquette  are  at  variance,  as  we 
are  told  that  in  certain  Western  cities  a  young 
gentleman  is  expected  to  call  in  a  carriage  for  a 
young  lady  and  to  take  her  to  a  party.  This  is  a 
doubtful  etiquette  anjrwhere ;  in  New  York  and 
Boston  it  is  not  permitted  at  all. 

If,  however,  Brockett  wishes  to  give  a  theatre 
party    he   must    furnish    everything.    He  must 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.  35 

ask  some  lady  to  chaperon  his  party ;  he  must 
arrange  that  the  ladies'  rendezvous  at  a  friend's 
house,  and  then  he  must  send  a  chartered  omni- 
bus or  carriages  for  the  whole  party,  he  having 
previously  bought  the  tickets.  He  must  then  in- 
vite his  party  to  sup  with  him  at  Delmonico's,  or 
the  "  Brunswick,"  or  his  own  rooms,  making  the 
feast  as  handsome  as  his  means  will  allow. 

This  is  a  very  favorite  and  proper  manner  for  a 
young  gentleman  to  return  the  civilities  which 
have  been  offered  to  him. 

It  is  indispensable,  however,  that  he  should 
have  the  mother  of  at  least  one  of  the  young 
ladies  present.  The  custom  of  very  young  chape- 
rons is  rather  brought  into  disrepute  lately.  On 
no  account  should  a  gentleman  ever  force  himself 
into  any  society,  or  go  anywhere  uninvited.  It 
seems  almost  preposterous  to  even  allude  to  so 
improbable  an  event,  had  the  offense  not  been 
committed  ;  but  a  handsome,  well-bred  and  well- 
dressed  young  man  once  ruined  himself  in  New 
York  by  going  to  an  Assembly  ball  uninvited. 

He  may  go,  of  course,  if  taken  by  a  lady,  for 
she  thus  assumes  the  responsibility,  and  it  is  an 
understood  thing  that  a  leader  of  society  can  take 


26      THE  AMERICAX  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

a  young  gentleman  with  her  either  to  a  friend's 
house  or  to  an  Assembly.  She  is  his  sponsor ;  but 
mthout  such  an  indorsement  the  young  man 
must  never  go  uninvited. 

Young  men  carry  their  crush  hats  into  a  ball- 
room, and  dance  with  them  in  their  hands. 

In  the  early  morning  a  man  should  wear  the 
heavj',  loose-fitting  English  clothes  now  so  fashion- 
able ;  but  for  an  afternoon  promenade  with  a  lady, 
or  for  an  afternoon  reception,  a  frock-coat  tightly 
buttoned,  gray  pantaloons,  and  a  black  satin  scarf 
with  plain  heavy  gold  pin,  would  be  "  very  good 
form,"  to  use  a  current  phrase. 

Neatness,  frequent  use  of  the  bath,  much 
exercise  in  the  open  air,  these  are  the  admirable 
customs  of  young  gentlemen  in  the  present  age. 
If  every  one,  no  matter  how  busy,  how  hard 
worked,  could  come  home,  take  a  warm  bath 
and  dress  for  dinner,  it  would  be  an  admirable 
plan.  Indeed,  if  all  American  men,  as  all  Eng- 
lishmen do,  would  show  this  attention  to  their 
wives,  society  would  be  far  more  elegant.  A  gen- 
tleman always  expects  his  wife  to  dress  for  him  : 
why  should  he  not  dress  for  her  ?  And  then  he 
is  ready  for  any  evening  visits,  operas,  parties. 


THE    AMERICAX    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  27 

theatres,  to  which  he  may  wish  to  go.  No  gentle- 
man should  sit  down  to  a  seven  o'clock  dinner 
unless  freshly  dressed. 

If  a  young  gentleman  can  afford  to  keep  a 
tilbury  or  a  dog-cart  and  fine  horses,  so  much  the 
better  for  him.  He  is  then  fitted  to  offer  to 
take  a  young  lady  to  drive  if  her  mamma  con- 
sents. 

But  a  servant  should  always  sit  behind — that  is 
indispensable,  and  the  livery,  the  whole  arrange- 
ment, should  be  quietly  elegant.  Brockett,  if  he 
would  succeed,  must  not  be  flashy ;  and,  as  all 
true  gentleness  must  come  from  within,  let  him 
read  Thackeray's  noble  description  : 

"What  is  it  to  be  a  gentleman  V  Is  it  to  be 
honest,  to  be  gentle,  to  be  generous,  to  be  brave, 
to  be  wise,  and  possessing  all  these  qualities  to 
exercise  them  in  the  most  graceful  manner  y 
Ought  a. gentleman  to  be  a  loyal  son,  a  true  hus- 
band, and  honest  father  ?  Ought  his  life  to  be 
decent,  his  bills  to  be  paid,  his  tastes  to  be  high 
and  elegant  ?    Yes— a  thousand  times,  yes. " 

Young  men,  on  coming  to  New  York,  are  often 
led  astray  by  the  sight  of  certain  gaudy  adven- 
turers, who  unacoonntably  get  into  society  and  as 


28  THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MAIWBRS. 

unaccountably  succeed.  They  see  these  men  get 
on  by  means  of  enormous  impudence,  self-assur- 
ance, audacity  and  plausible  ways. 

But  if  they  will  wait  for  a  few  years  they  will 
see  them  go  down  as  rapidly  as  they  rose.  No 
adventurer  lasts  long ;  he  is  a  certain  failure  in 
the  end.  Give  him  rope  enough  and  he  vnW  hang 
himself. 

A  young  gentleman  should  lose  no  opportunity 
of  improving  himself.  There  is  a  fine  instruction 
in  pictures  and  all  works  of  art.  He  should 
read  and  study  in  his  leisure  hours,  and  fre- 
quent the  refined  museums  and  picture  gal- 
leries. He  will  thus  have  a  delightful  topic  of 
conversation  for  his  evening  call,  or  at  the  dinner 
table.  Every  one  wishes  to  open  his  thought,  his 
knowledge,  his  social  skill  in  society.  It  is  the 
place  where  we  exchange  our  mental  gifts,  and  a 
young  man  doing  the  work  of  the  world  is  able  to 
be  one  of  the  most  agreeable  of  companions,  if, 
even  without  the  accepted  polish  of  society,  he 
brings  a  keen  intelligence,  refined  tastes,  and  a 
cheerful  desire  to  be  agreeable,  into  the  most 
elegant  and  rech&rche  circle. 

It  is  not  necessary  here  to  refer  to  the  etiquette 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  29 

of  clubs.  Clubs  are  self-protecting  ;  a  man  soon 
learns  their  rules  and  limitations.  A  man  of 
honesty  and  cliaracter  seldom  gets  into  difficulty 
at  his  club.  If  his  club  rejects  or  pronounces 
against  him,  however,  it  is  a  social  stigma  from 
which  he  cannot  recover. 

Success  in  society  is  like  electricity — it  makes 
itself  felt,  and  yet  is  unseen  and  indescribable. 
We  see  very  stupid  men  succeed,  and  very  bright 
men  fail :  but  one  thing  can  be  certainly  recom- 
mended— a  young  man  should  have  some  accom- 
phshment,  such  as  playing  or  singing,  if  he  is 
gifted  with  a  talent  for  music ;  or  a  neat  hand  at 
drawing,  or  a  pleasant  trick  of  elocution,  etc.; 
or  he  should  read  a  poem  well,  or  take  part  in  a 
Shakespeare  club,  if  he  wishes  to  make  himself 
popular  ;  a  pretty  talent  for  private  theatricals  is 
also  useful,  and  to  be  a  good  dancer  is  now  almost 
indispensable.  However,  if  he  is  intelligent, 
and  agreeable,  he  gets  on  without  any  of  these 
helps.  But  they  are  undoubtedly  an  assistance. 
This  is  a  working  age  that  we  live  in,  and  the 
whole  formation  of  society  betrays  it.  Men  dress 
plainly,  simply,  and  without  display.  Their  ser- 
vants dress  better  than  they  do,  in  one  sense,  and 


30     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

yet  nothing  is  so  distinctive  as  the  outhne  of  a 
gentleman.  It  is  as  much  a  costume  of  nobility,  if 
properly  worn — the  plain  black  coat — as  if  it  were 
the  velvet  cloak  which  Sir  Walter  Raleigh  threw 
down  before  the  Queen. 

A  young  gentleman  should  not  carry  into  any 
lady's  drawing-room  the  smell  of  tobacco.  It  is 
disagreeable  to  some  women,  they  cannot  bear  it. 
A  proper  regard  for  these  little  things  has  made 
many  a  man's  future. 

In  addressing  a  note  to  a  lady  whom  he  does 
not  know  well,  Brockett  should  use  the  third 
person,  as  follows : 

"  Mr.  Brockett  presents  his  compliments  to 
Mrs.  Lea,  and  begs  to  know  if  she  and  Miss  Lea 
will  honor  him  with  their  company  at  a  theatre 
party,  on  the  evening  of  March  3d,  at  'Wal- 
lack's. 

"  R.  S.  V.  P.  "17  East  Ariington  street. 

February  26th." 

This  note  should  be  sealed  with  sealing  wax, 
impressed  with  the  writer's  coat-of-arms,  or  a 
motto,  and  delivered  by  private  messenger,  who 
should  wait  for  the  answer  if  the  lady  is  at 
home. 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS.  31 

In  addressing  a  letter  to  a  gentleman  the  full 
title  should  be  used,  as — 

*'  George  Tilden,  Esq." 

Or,  if  the  first  name  is  not  known, 

" Tilden,  Esq." 

Neyer address  a  note  to  "  Mr.  George  Tilden;"  if 
it  be  an  invitation,  it  is  not  etiquette. 

In  writing  in  the  first  person,  Mr.  Brockett 
must  be  careful  not  to  be  too  familiar  ;  he  must 
make  no  elisions  nor  contractions,  but  fill  out 
every  word  and  line  as  if  the  duty  were  a  pleasant 
one. 

In  fact  respect,  and  a  thorough  determination  to 
learn  all  the  outward  forms  of  a  proper  etiquette, 
will  soon  put  a  man  au  o&urant  with  the  rules  of 
society. 


32     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNEB8 

CHAPTER  IL 

A  TOTING  lady's   ENTRANCE   INTO   SOCIETY 

TO  the  daughter  of  rich  and  influential  par- 
ents, whose  life  has  been  all  "velvet  and 
roses"  from  her  cradle,  this  important  event  is 
lieralded  by  the  order  of  dresses  from  Paris,  a  ball 
at  Delmonico's  or  at  home,  and  the  most  exten- 
sive leaving  of  cards  on  all  desirable  acquaint- 
ances. The  young  lady  stands  beside  her  mother 
at  her  first  ball,  is  presented,  or  launched,  and 
takes  her  place  in  society  with  the  way  clear  be- 
fore her. 

To  so  fortunate  a  young  lady  as  this  no  advice 
is  necessary,  except  a  very  good  old-fashioned 
reminder,  that  she  "should  obey  her  mother, 
and  be  a  good  girl.''  If  she  does  that,  if  she 
avoids  clandestine  meetings  with  young  gentle- 
men, and  all  foolish  love  affairs,  and  takes  care 
of  her  health,  she  may  be  quite  sure  that  her 
bark  will  float  gaily  on  to  the  comfortable  port  of 
a  happy  marriage  and  a  successful  future. 

Bat  our  great  country  is  full  of  beautiful  young 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  33 

girls  who  have  no  such  start  in  life.  They  may 
have  excellent  and  well-to-do  parents  who  are 
"not  in  society,"  or  they  may  be  without  parents 
to  help  them  on.  It  has  happened  to  many  an 
American  lady,  who  has  sat,  later,  in  the  highest 
placeS;  a  President's  or  Senator's  wife,  that  these 
ciuestions  of  society  and  etiquette  have  had  to  be 
conquered  and  answered  and  comprehended  by 
herself  alone. 

The  first  advice  to  a  beginner  is  this : 
'•'■  JB/espect  your  parents ;  love  them  first  and 
always; ;  regard  your  mother  as  your  best  friend, 
even  if,  in  her  unselfish  regard  for  her  family,  she 
has  forgotten  to  be  elegant.  Remember  that 
mth  Tier  near  you  you  are  always  safe,  and  that 
lier  advice  is  dictated  by  a  love  which  has  a  Divine 
origin."  Nothing  is  so  often  quoted  against 
American  girls  as  that  they  are  not  respectful  to 
their  mothers.  Without  that  filial  grace  no 
young  woman  can  become  a  lady.  No ;  a  dis- 
respectful daughter  is  the  most  vulgar  of  people. 
But,  should  a  young  girl  be  motherless,  she  must 
select  a  chaperon  if  she  would  go  into  society. 
Nothing  is  so  imperative  as  this,  and  yet  many 
well-meaning  girls  forget  or  ignore  it,  and  en- 


34     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

deavor  to  make  a  career  without  that  necessary 
adjunct.  It  leads  to  very  embarrassing  mistakes 
sometimes.  So  long,  however,  as  a  girl  has  the 
protecting  influence  and  shield  of  work^  independ- 
ence is  all  very  well — 

"  A  thousand  liveried  angels  lackey  her." 

But  as  soon  as  she  begins  to  go  into  society  she  must 
have  the  protection  of  an  older  woman. 

If  she  is  a  young  schoolmistress,  artist  or  musi- 
cian learning  a  profession  or  working  for  the  sup- 
port of  herself  or  her  parents,  the  world  deems 
her  self-consecrate — she  is  as  safe  as  Joan 
of  Arc  from  the  world's  slanderous  tongues. 
But  if  she  go  into  the  world  of  fashion,  she 
must  accept  its  laws  and  limitations ;  they  are 
like  iron,  and  they  must  be  observed  if  she  would 
succeed  as  a  woman  of  the  world. 

A  young  Southern  lady,  several  years  ago,  pos- 
sessed of  a  large  fortune,  deliberately  hired  a 
father  and  a  mother,  and  went  to  Paris  to  live.  She 
was  an  orphan,  but  she  found  without  difficulty  a 
gentleman  and  his  wife  who  were  most  willing  to 
live  with  her,  to  go  out  in  her  carriages,  to  accom- 
pany her  to  the  theatres,  balls  and  parties,  go  in 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OP   MANNERS.  35 

tne  summer  to  Baden-Baden  and  Homburg,  and 
Trouville,  yet  who  were  only  her  chaperons.  She 
went  through  several  seasons  of  delightful  life 
abroad,  respected  and  admired.  Not  choosing  to 
marry  and  fee  a  foreigner,  she  afterwards  married 
one  of  her  own  countrymen,  and  still  lives  abroad. 
It  was  a  good  idea.  All  young  heiresses  are  not 
so  sensible.  Kemembering  the  freedom  which 
American  women  enjoy  at  home,  they  go  to 
Europe  thinking  that  they  can  enter  society  there 
with  the  same  freedom  and  impunity  with  which 
they  enter  it  here.  It  is  not  so.  A  respectable 
young  lady  must  have,  if  not  a  guardian,  cer- 
tainly a  chaperon. 

As  for  common  etiquette,  women  imbibe  that 
with  the  air.  They  soon  learn  what  card  to  use 
(it  should  always  have  the  prefix  of  **  Miss")  and 
how  to  dress ;  that  seems  to  come  by  instinct. 
But  if  any  are  ignorant  on  that  point,  let  us 
quote  an  old  French  proverb:  ''Femme  sotte  se 
coignait  a  la  cotte."  "  A  foolish  women  is  known 
by  her  finery." 

Too  much  loading  on  of  trimmings  is  in  bad 
taste  for  the  young ;  they  do  not  need  jewelry 
or  the   arts   of    the   toilet.      In    England    the 


86     THE  AMERICA>'  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

mother   wears    all    the    jewehn-,    the    daughter 
none. 

Above  all  things  let  her  not  paint  her  cheeks 
Remember  the  complexion  is  a  thing  which  must 
be  approached  from  within.  Health  and  exercise 
must  send  the  bloom  outward.  Paint  never  de- 
ceives anybody ;  it  is  certain  to  give  the  face  a 
meretricious  air. 

So  of  all  hair-dye,  of  touching  up  the  eyebrows 
and  eyelashes.  The  young  woman  who  does 
these  things  soon  becomes  a  marked  character  ; 
all  men  discern  it  at  a  glance. 

Also  let  her  beware  of  strong  perfumes.  They 
are  not  in  good  taste,  not  even  in  one's  note-paper. 
A  box  of  oriental  orris  root  powder  on  her  dress- 
ing-table, which  has  a  healthy,  clean  fragrance 
like  violets,  and  some  German  cologne,  are  all  that 
a  young  lady  needs  (after  cleanliness)  to  make 
her  the  sweetest  thing  on  the  face  of  this  earth. 

Heavy  musk,  patchouli,  attar  of  roses,  or  any  of 
the  strong  scents,  are  disagreeable  to  some  peo- 
ple, therefore  should  be  avoided. 

Cleanliness  is  the  foundation  of  all  elegance,  all 
beauty,  all  refinement  and  all  physical  merit  and 
health. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  37 

The  subject  of  cold  or  warm  bathing  must  be 
carefully  approached  To  those  who  can  bear  a 
cold  bath,  it  is  the  most  invigorating  and  delight- 
ful of  all  ways  ot  beginning  the  day.  A  healthy 
girl  who  can  take  a  cold  bath  and  then  a  horse- 
back ride,  and  then  eat  a  hearty  breakfast,  is 
almost  sure  to  be  beautiful  and  happy. 

But  all  cannot  do  these  things  with  impunity. 
Many  young  ladies  have  lost  their  health  by  too 
much  physical  exercise,  and  are  too  delicate  for 
such  robust  treatment.  A  physician  should  be 
consulted,  and  the  young  lady  should  obey  him 
strictly,  for  a  woman  absolutely  needs  her  health, 
and  it  is  a  great  misfortune  if  she,  through 
imprudence,  loses  it  early.  Wet  feet,  draughts, 
and  abrupt  change  from  heavy  to  light  dress, 
should  be  avoided. 

A  girl's  mother,  if  all  that  she  ought  to  be,  will 
take  care  of  everything ;  but,  as  we  have  said, 
all  girls  have  not  prudent  mothers — some,  alas  ! 
none  at  all.  Therefore,  as  American  girls  are 
prone  to  take  care  of  themselves,  let  them  do  it 
in  the  right  way.  They  should  not  walk  in  the 
streets  alone,  nor  conspicuously,  often.  All  in- 
vitations to  gentlemen  should  proceed  from  the 


38  THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

mother ;  indeed,  the  mother  should  be  first  and 
foremost  in  everything ;  and  happy  is  it  for  her 
daughter,  if  she  is  still  young,  agreeable,  culti- 
vated, so  that  she  is  a  pleasant  factor  at  the  sup- 
pers, and  dinners  and  balls  which  are  given  for 
her  daughter.  Then  all  goes  well.  But  if  the 
mother  be  dead,  or  necessarily  absent,  or  ill,  so 
that  she  cannot  chaperon  her  daughter,  a  chap- 
eron must  be  obtained  in  some  way.  Society  al- 
lows a  young  lady  to  go  nowhere  alone,  except 
on  horseback,  and  then  a  groom  must  ride  behind 
her.  In  England,  the  governess  goes  with  the 
young  ladies  to  walk,  shopping,  and  sometimes 
into  society ;  but  her  functions  end  before  the 
grand  ball,  the  ceremonious  dinner.  A  lady  of 
social  tact  must  be  selected  for  that  ofiSce. 

In  America  there  is  little  diflBculty  in  find- 
ing a  friend,  some  lady  who  will  either  occasion- 
ally or  always  play  that  part  to  a  friendless 
girl. 

The  chaperon  need  not  make  herself  up  into  a 
Spanish  duenna.  She  need  not  suspect  an  am- 
bush, or  a  lover  in  every  flirting  of  a  fan ;  yet  she 
should  be  watchful.  She  is  the  Providence  of  the 
young  lady.    She  knows  the  world,  but  the  young 


THE   AMERICA2f   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  39 

lady  does  not  know  it.  She  is  the  person  to 
prevent  mistakes.  She  should  see  that  her 
charge  does  not  make  improper  acquaintances. 
She  must  watch  the  men  who  approach  the  young 
lady,  and  keep  off  adventurers,  too  thickly  swarm- 
ing in  all  American  society.  She  should  discour- 
age intimacies  with  those  other  young  ladies, 
who,  having  been  out  several  seasons,  have  not 
left  very  clear  and  superior  records  behind  them. 
To  the  girl  just  entering  society  it  is  a  bewilder- 
ing place,  and  the  tinsel  is  as  good  as  the  gold. 
The  wise  society  matron  knows  it  all,  and  knows 
that  the  awakening  from  a  dream  of  delight  to  a 
cold  and  frightful  reality  is  a  thing  which  may 
happen  to  any  girl.  Judiciously,  truly,  wisely,  a 
chaperon  should  shape  a  young  girl's  destiny  by 
warding  off  evil  and  encouraging  all  that  is  good, 
sincere  and  noble  in  the  character  and  actions. 
When  parents  who  have  not  been  in  society  wish 
to  introduce  a  daughter,  they  can,  with  perfect 
propriety,  give  a  ball  or  other  entertainment,  and 
invite  many  people  whom  they  have  not  previously 
visited.  If  those  people  do  not  choose  to  come, 
no  self-respect  is  lost.  It  is  merely  a  form  of 
saying,  on  the  part  of  some  of  them,  that  they 


40  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS. 

ha\e  acquaintances  enough  already  ;  no  one  need 
feel  hurt.  Enough  people  will  come,  in  nint 
cases  out  of  ten,  if  there  is  no  moral  objection  tc 
the  inviting  party. 

A  young  lady,  therefore,  on  entering  society 
has  to  consid  several  things.  She  must  watch 
her  own  manners ;  if  they  are  too  gay,  joyous  and 
striking,  she  may  be  misunderstood ;  if  they  are 
cold,  haughty,  repellent,  she  will  have  very  little 
success.  Let  her  try  for  that  j2isfe  milieu  which 
is  so  charming  in  everything.  She  should  be 
courteous  ;  let  her  cultivate  a  graceful  bow  and 
smile,  which  looks  always  kindly,  and  is  a  little 
flattering.  There  is  no  insincerity  in  that.  Lord 
Houghton  praised  the  bow  and  smile  of  one 
American  lady  as  being  the  best  he  had  ever 
seen;  "It  puts  a  crown  ou  one,"  he  said.  A 
bow  and  smile  should  look  as  if  they  came  from 
the  heart,  where  all  good  things  come  from. 

She  should  consider  her  voice — very  apt,  in 
America,  to  be  loud,  nasal,  unpleasant.  The 
English  women  have  great  advantage  of  us  here. 
They  speak  lower,  with  a  much  better  pronuncia- 
tion than  we  do.  Either  our  climate  has  affected 
the  throat    unfavorably,  or  we   have   had    bad 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.      41 

models  for  years.    Certainly  English  people  speak 
our  mother  tongue  better  than  we  do. 

Young  ladies  should  not  speak  or  laugh  loud  at 
the  theatre.  Often  a  box-full  of  fashionable  peo- 
ple has  rendered  the  neighborhood  unpleasant 
to  those  who  would  listen  to  an  opera  or  a  play. 
This  is  very  bad  breeding,  and  renders  the  perpe- 
trators obnoxious. 

As  for  the  great  questions  of  love  and  mar- 
riage, these  young  ladies  must  settle  for  them- 
selves. Let  them  avoid  secret  engagements  and 
clandestine  interviews,  and,  above  all,  be  careful 
how  they  write  letters.  They  must  remember 
that  what  is  written  remains,  and  that  half  of  the 
trouble  which  women  have  met  with  in  this  life 
has  come  from  the  writing  of  letters. 

On  the  part  of  the  chaperon,  however, 
there  should  be,  respecting  letters,  a  deli- 
cacy and  caution.  While  she  should  give 
her  charge  the  best  advice,  she  has  no 
right  to  break  a  seal.  The  sacredness  of 
a  seal  is  inviolate  among  well-bred  people.  In 
this  respect  young  people  are  always  honestly 
and  justly  tenacious  of  their  rights.  A  mother, 
even,  has  no  right  to  open  a  letter  addressed  to 


42  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

her  daughter ;  a  husband  who  opens  his  wife's 
letters,  or  a  wife  who  trifles  with  those  ad- 
dressed to  her  husband,  cannot  be  too 
severely  condemned.  These  are  innocent  con- 
fidences reposed  in  the  one  which  are  not  in- 
tended for  the  other,  and  the  seal  is  a 
lock  which  should  not  be  picked.  If  a  daughter 
has  not  principle  enough  to  confide  in  her  mother, 
no  amount  of  espionage  will  make  her  confidential. 

And  here,  as  in  all  relations  of  life,  honesty  and 
confidence  beget  honesty  and  confidence.  Young 
men  and  young  women  who  are  treated  as  upmi 
honor  rarely  deceive  their  parents  or  guardians. 
If  a  young  man  finds  himself  suspected  and 
watched  by  his  teacher  he  feels  immediately  in- 
spired to  baffle  him.  If  his  teacher  says,  '*  Young 
gentleman,  I  put  you  upon  your  honor,  and  I 
know  that  you  will  not  deceive  me,"  he  is  rarely 
deceived. 

If  a  young  girl  finds  herseli  dogged,  watched 
and  suspected — if  she  detects  her  chaperon  trying 
to  open  her  notes  or  furtively  watching  her — she 
is  very  apt  to  think  that  double-dealing  is  the 
proper  thing,  and  to  try  to  outwit  the  detective. 
It  is  a  mean,  low,  poor  plan  on  both  sides. 


THE  AMERICAJSr  CODE  OF   MANNERS.  43 

In  introducing  a  daughter,  parents  seldom  or 
nevei-  put  her  name  on  the  card.  The  highest 
socia^  authorities  in  New  York  merely  send  the 
usual  form  of  evening  inyitation : 

Mrs.  Walsingham 

at  hom£> 

Thursday  evening.  February  9th, 

Rt  ten  o'clock. 

CotUlon, 

On  arriving  at  the  ball  the  guests  find  the 
young  lady  standing  at  her  mother's  right  ha»"^  ; 
she  is  introduced,  and  dances  the  German  wltn 
the  gentleman  whom  her  mother  has  selected  to 
lead  the  German,    That  Is  all. 

Several  motherless  young  ladies,  who  have  had 
to  introduce  themselves,  in  New  York,  have  done 
it  by  means  of  a  ladies'  lunch.  This  is  a  very 
pretty  and  proper  way  of  beginning  society  life. 

In  the  etiquette  of  the  ball-room  young  ladies 
should  be  very  careful  to  keep  their  promises  to 
their  various  partners.  Little  books  are  fur- 
nished as  memorizers,  and  the  same  honor  is  im- 
perative here  as  in  greater  things.  Nothing  is  so 
insulting  to  a  young  man  as  for  a  young  lady  to 
forget  or  ignore  these  engagements. 


44  THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

A  young  lady  should  never  accept  presents  of 
jewelry  from  any  man,  excepting  the  one  to 
whom  she  has  promised  her  hand.  And  great 
delicacy  should  be  shown  in  allowing  young  men 
to  pay  for  tickets,  to  be  mulcted  for  bouquets, 
philopena  presents,  the  hire  of  a  carriage,  etc. 
If  a  lady  is  caught  in  the  rain  and  a  gentleman 
hires  a  carriage  for  her  and  he  pays  for  it,  she 
should  inclose  him  the  price  of  the  carriage  im- 
mediately. There  are  three  dreadful  words  used 
about  certain  classes  of  young  ladies  in  society ; 
they  are  these:  "sponge,"  "fast,"  "loud." 
Let  every  young  lady  who  hopes  to  succeed 
avoid  them  all. 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  45 


CHAPTER  m, 

A  TOUNG  COUPLE  ON   THEIR  ENTRANCE  INTO 
SOCIETY. 

IT  is  hard  to  imagine  a  young  couple  who  have 
to  begin  life  without  acquaintances ;  but  the 
fact  exists.  For  those  who  have  wealth,  and 
family,  and  position,  therefore,  the  rules  which  we 
are  about  to  consider  have  no  application.  The 
questions  of  which  they  treat  have  been  long  an- 
swered for  them.  The  "  well-established  "  need 
not  read  these  papers. 

But  many  a  young  man  marries  a  lady  from 
anothei  city,  and  brings  her  to  New  York  (which 
we  will  suppose  to  be  the  social  centre  of 
American  life)  with  no  particular  knowledge  of 
that  best  society  which  is  the  only  circle  into  which 
he  wishes  to  see  his  wife  introduced.  The  young 
couple  are  all  at  sea— they  are  wanderers  in  a 
trackless  forest. 

The  question  comes  up :  How  shall  they  begin  ? 
Who  is  to  find  them  ?  Who  is  to  drive  the  en- 
tering wedgo  into  this  dense  block  which  we  call 


46  THE   AMEKICAJS'   CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

Society  ?  The  answer  generally  is  this :  Acci- 
dent, "the  subruler  of  the  universe,"  will  lead 
them  to  know  somebody.  The  rector  or  clergyman 
of  their  favorite  church,  the  business  partners  of 
the  gentleman,  or  some  old  friend  of  the  lady. 
Somebody  will  turn  up.  It  is  very  true  that  nice 
young  people  do  not  long  remain  unknown,  al- 
though these  early  days  are  a  lonely  period  for 
the  young  married  woman,  who  has  left,  we  will 
say,  a  very  brilliant  belledom  in  some  distant 
city  to  come  to  find  social  extinction  in  her  new 
home ;  it  is  undoubtedly  very  hard. 

It  is  a  crucial  test  of  character  if  a  young  and 
pretty  woman  goes  through  these  two  or  three 
years  of  loneliness  with  amiability  and  without 
committing  any  mistakes.  She  is  exposed  to 
three  dangers. 

The  first  and  greatest  is  this  :  If  she  be  pretty, 
a  jaded  man  of  fashion  is  apt  to  find  her  out,  and 
to  promise  to  introduce  her  into  fashionable 
circles  if  she  will  consent  to  a  flirtation  with 
him.  This  succeeds  wonderfully  at  first,  as  all 
empirical  remedies  are  said  to  do,  but  it  is  apt  to 
be  fatal  in  the  end. 

The  second  danger  is  that  she,  in  her  desire  to 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     47 

achieve  the  rank  which  she  knows  is  hers,  shows 
too  great  a  desire  to  be  invited  and  to  make  ac- 
quaintances, and  she  is  then  accused  of  ''push," 
which  is  a  fatal  word. 

The  third  danger  is,  that  she  accepts,  in  lieu  of 
the  best  acquaintances,  second  and  third-rate 
people,  the  hangers-on  upon  society,  people  who 
have  not  the  best  or  freshest  reputation— the  Mrs. 
Leo  Hunters,  the  Misses  Bore  and  the  Messrs. 
Fraudulent,  who  are  a  large  family.  Society  is 
often  deceived  ;  it  sometimes  indorses  a  villain  ; 
it  often  accepts  a  fraud  ;  and  yet  its  general  voice 
is  apt  to  be  judicious  and  correct.  People  are 
respected  or  not,  as  their  characters  deserve. 

This  is  a  general  rule,  which  the  exceptions 
prove  ;  the  best  people,  in  every  sense,  continue 
through  time  to  be  at  the  head  of  society. 

As  for  the  Mrs.  Leo  Hunters,  the  Misses  Bore 
and  the  Messrs.  Fraudulent,  they  continue  to  hang 
on  to  society  by  means  of  influential  family ;  of 
certain,  perhaps,  agreeable  traits  of  their  own  ; 
or  by  that  carelessness  which  leaves  open  the 
doors  of  certain  well-known  fashionable  houses. 
The  second-rate  set  is  a  set  easy  to  get  into, 
ha.rd  to  get  out  of,  for  no  people  stick  so  close 


48     THE  AMEBICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

as  those  who  are  wholly  undesirable.  A  young 
woman  should  be  very  careful  to  form  no  inti- 
macies with  those  whom  she  finds  very  easy  and 
very  pertinacious  early  acquaintances  in  her  new 
life. 

If  she  is  reticent,  if  she  is  particular,  if  she 
waits,  some  day  a  quiet  lady  in  a  plain  bonnet 
and  dress  will  come  in  and  give  her  name,  and 
say  that  she  has  heard  of  her  young  neighbor 
and  friend,  and  desires  to  know  her,  and  lo  I  she 
will  find  that  the  very  first  lady  in  the  city  has 
called  upon  her,  and  that  her  social  career  will  be 
from  that  time  only  an  upward  and  an  onward 
success. 

If  she  is  wise,  if  she  only  knows  how  to  manage 
It,  if  she  has  tact !  And  if  she  has  not  tact,  she 
may  as  well  give  up  any  hope  of  success. 

It  is,  of  course,  etiquette  for  a  young  married 
pair  to  send  their  cards  to  all  whom  they  wish  to 
know,  and  the  bride  does  well  to  fix  a  day  on 
which  to  receive  her  friends. 

This  should  extend  through  one  or  two  months, 
especially  in  a  large  city,  as  the  world  is  busy, 
and  cannot  always  achieve  an  early  visit. 

If  the  means  of  the  young  couple  will  allow, 


THE  AMEBIOAN  OODB  OF  MANNERS.  49 

they  should  begm  a  seaiim  of  little  dinners,  not 
necessarily  expensive  ones,  as  a  means  of  making 
themselves  popular  and  well  known,  for  every- 
body likes  to  be  asked  to  dinner. 

Lives  there  a  man  with  soul  so  dead 

That  to  himself  he  has  not  said 

I  like  my  neighbor's  wine  and  bread,'* 

was  Sidney  Smith's  paraphrase  of  a  well-known 
poem.  Dinners  make  you  soon  acquainted  ;  din- 
ners are  social.  Everybody  must  dine,  therefore 
give  one  day  of  the  week  to  a  little  dinner^if  you 
can.  ^ 

And  if  the  young  couple  have  but  a  neat  maid- 
servant, who  wears  a  cap  and  knows  her  busi- 
ness ;  if  the  lady  can  carve  a  chicken— and  all 
ladies  should  know  how  to  do  that ;  if  the  gen- 
tleman has  a  good  bottle  of  wine  or  two,  and 
genuine  cigars  ;  if  their  house  is  neatly,  quietly 
furnished,  with  the  last  magazines  on  the  table ; 
if  the  welcome  is  cordial,  and  there  is  no  fussy 
pretense,  no  effort  to  appear  to  live  beyond  their 
means,  no  noise,  no  fatal  errors  of  character, 
these  little  dinners  will  become  very  famous, 
and  will  be  preferred  to  the  showy  and  the 
grand  dinners  of  the  very  rich,  which  are  often 


50     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNBBS. 

exceedingly  dull,  and  but  a  payment  of  other 
social  debts. 

But  to  achieve  a  perfect  little  dinner  with  small 
means  is  a  very  great  intellectual  feat.  It  re- 
quires service  by  no  means  common  in  America ; 
it  requires  a  great  talent  on  the  part  of  the  young 
hostess.  If  she  tries  and  fails,  let  her  give  it  up 
and  take  an  evening. 

Evening  receptions  once  were  very  fashion- 
able in  New  York,  and  were  most  agreeable 
forms  of  entertaining.  They  have  become  less 
common,  much  to  ^the  disadvantage  of  society. 
It  would  be  well  to  reinstate  them.  A  young  mar- 
ried woman  who,  in  her  fresh  pretty  house,  wUl 
have  a  musical  evening  or  a  conversation  even- 
ing, with  but  a  cup  of  tea  and  a  maccaroon  for 
refreshment,  would  soon  find  herself  a  power  in 
society  if  she  has  that  infinite  tact  of  a  hostess 
to  make  it  agreeable. 

But  people  are  frightened  off  from  simple  enter- 
tainments by  the  splendor  of  the  great  luxurious 
suppers  and  dinners  given  by  the  very  rich,  and 
it  is  a  foolish  fear. 

If  a  young  married  woman  has  any  specialty, 
such    as    music,    she    soon    gathers    about   her 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  51 

a  congenial  circle  ;  if  she  has  a  taste  for  chari- 
ties, she  can  in  that  way  do  a  great  deal 
of  good,  and,  at  the  same  time,  make  more 
acquaintances. 

But  this  has  been  fearfully  abused.  One  charity 
in  New  York  is  now  called  the  "  Stepping 
Stone,"  so  many  young  women  of  ambitious 
social  propensities  have  joined  it,  simply  that 
they  might  know  the  very  eminent  ladies  who 
compose  its  board  of  directors.  When  a.  woman 
prostitutes  her  religion  or  her  charity  to  the  for- 
warding of  her  fashionable  position,  she  soon  gets 
found  out,  and  not  unf requently  dropped.  If  she 
is  a  sincere,  good  worker,  she  is  appreciated 
and  recognized.  But  pretenders  are  neither. 
A  young  married  couple  owe  it  to  themselves  to 
be  fastidious  about  the  character  of  all  their  ac- 
quaintances. In  England  a  great  respect  for 
moral  character  once  existed  in  all  the  best 
houses,  and  a  line  severely  drawn  against  the 
woman  who  had  been  even  indiscreet.  Lady 
Holland  was  never  received  at  Court,  nor  was 
Lady  Blessington.  Men  visited  them,  but  their 
wives  did  not.  Now  the  very  easy-going  Princf 
of  Wales  has  broken  down  all  these  barriers,  an. 


52  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

receives    at     his    own    house    adventuresses   of 
American  and  European  antecedents. 

But  there  are  many  noble  houses,  and  many 
that  are  noble  only  in  that  they  are  strong  in  a 
sense  of  what  Is  due  to  virtue  and  honor,  in  Eng' 
land  still,  where  the  leniency  of  the  Prince  of 
Wales  (to  call  it  by  no  other  name)  is  not  yet 
practised,  (rood  society  shuts  its  doors  on  the 
man  who  has  cheated  at  cards,  or  has  abused  his 
trust :  on  the  woman  who  has  degraded  the  name 
of  wife  and  mother.  The  verdict  of  the  young 
housekeeper  should  be  emphatically  pronounced 
against  such — against  loud,  fast  and  wild  girls  ; 
against  vulgar  and  disreputable  men,  no  matter 
if  they  happen  to  wear  an  illustrious  name,  and 
have  a  long  account  at  their  bankers  ;  nor  should 
they  receive,  if  they  hope  for  a  long  and  honor- 
able record  in  the  city  where  they  are  to  live,  the 
young  married  flirt,  who  is  so  particularly  now  a 
prominent  blot  on  the  decency  of  our  best  society. 
They  are  the  traitors  within  the  array-list,  and 
they  deserve  to  be  drummed  out. 

Tt  is  no  doubt  a  severe  temptation  to  a  pretty 
young  woman,  as  she  sits  neglected  in  her  back 
parlor,  to  see  the  adventuress,  the  young  married 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  53 

flirt,  succeed  in  carrying  off  all  the  best  invita- 
tions and  all  the  social  eclat.  She  even  hears  her 
own  husband  speak  with  wonder  and  admiration 
of  the  beauty  and  success  of  these  women. 
But,  let  her  bide  her  time.  Let  her  take 
Patience  as  a  handmaiden,  and  in  a  few  years 
she  will  see  that  her  own  good,  modest  character 
has  been  worth  all — all  of  the  meretricious  devices 
of  her  neighbor,  even  in  the  lowest  worldly  inter- 
pretation of  the  word  ''  success" — a  word  too 
often  profaned. 

Let  no  young  couple  be  ashamed  of  poverty. 
It  is  a  thistle  which,  when  grasped,  ceases  to  sting. 
Nor  let  them  be  ashamed,  for  a  few  years,  to 
accept  civilities  from  those  who  joyfully  extend 
them.     The  time  for  returning  these  will  come. 

In  inviting  guests  to  dinner,  the  hostess  should 
be  in  the  parlor,  waiting  for  her  guests  at  least 
five  minutes  before  they  arrive.  She  should  have 
anticipated  every  possible  emergency,  and  have 
seen,  herself,  that  the  dinner  table  is  properly  laid 
and  the  wine  cooled,  the  dining-room  not  over- 
heated— that  is  a  very  common  objection,  and 
ruins  many  a  dinner.  She  should  be  cool,  calm, 
collected,  smiling  herself,  and  know  exactly  where 


o4  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

every  one  is  to  sit.  The  most  distinguished  gen- 
tleman must  sit  at  her  own  right  hand,  of  course. 
In  inviting  evening  guests,  both  husband  and 
wife  must  remember  that  to  sink  one's  self 
in  one's  guests  is  the  first  phase  of  good 
breeding.  In  any  rank  in  life,  to  invite  people  to 
show  them  your  splendor,  to  exalt  yourself,  is  the 
perfection  of  vulgarity. 

A  yoimg  couple  devoted  to  each  other  some- 
times make  the  mistake  of  showing  their  affection 
too  plainly  in  company.  That  was  severely  dealt 
with  by  Charles  Lamb  in  an  immortal  essay  sev- 
eral decades  ago.  It  is  a  great  offense  against 
good  manners,  as  it  puts  every  0)»e  else  at  a  dis- 
advantage. People  of  tact  and  taste  never  make 
this  mistake.  Husband  and  wife  at  their  own  en- 
tertainments should  not  take  much  notice  of 
each  other :  both  should  be  devoted  to  their 
guests. 

The  duty  of  writing  notes  will  fall  on  the  wife. 
She  should  learn  from  all  the  best  authorities  the 
most  perfect  forms.  Her  invitations  should,  for 
dinner,  be  in  the  third  person,  and  her  familiar 
notes  should  be  signed  with  her  own  name.  There 
is  an  unaccountable  American  vulgarity  abroad. 


IHE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  55 

by  believing  in  which  married  women  sign  their 
names  "  Mrs."    As,  for  instance,  instead  of 

"  Yours  truly, 

Mary  L.  Brown," 

the  lady  signs  herself 

"  Yours  truly, 

Mrs.  James  Brown." 

This  last  form  is  wrong.  Her  husband  might  as 
well  sign  his  checks  "Squire  James  Brown,"  or 
"  Captain  Tompkins." 

A  married  woman  should  either  say 

"Mrs.  Brown  desires  the  pleasure  of  your  com- 
pany," 

or  she  should  write  in  the  first  person  and  keep  to 
it,  signing  her  baptismal  name. 

The  husband's  duty,  in  America,  is  to  make  the 
money,  the  wife  has  her  duty  in  spending  it.  He 
works ;  she  is  supposed  to  play.  He  makes  the 
fire,  she  tends  it.  Women  carry  on  society ;  yet 
the  man  has  his  part,  as  at  his  clubs  and  his 
dances  and  his  suppers.  But  the  Great  Disposer 
of  events  sometimes  determines  that  the  woman 
shall  be  the  bread-winner ;  that  she  shall  hold  up 


56  THE  AMEBICAH  CODE  OF   MANNERfe. 

her  husband  when  he  fails ;  and,  to  the  credit 
of  American  women  be  it  said,  they  have  not 
been  slow  to  do  this.  In  the  last  five  dreadful 
years  of  commercial  distress  the  women  have 
shown  enormous  capacity  for  work.  The  story  of 
the  Decorative  Art  Society,  the  history  of  litera- 
ture, the  various  branches  of  science  and  art 
for  which  women's  work  fits  her,  have  a  noble 
story  to  tell  of  the  devotion  of  women  to  a  self- 
imposed  task. 

And  to  the  credit  of  society,  be  it  spoken,  this 
power  of  work  does  not  hurt  a  woman's  position 
in  society.  The  butterflies  respect  the  bees — an- 
other tribute  to  the  power  of  character. 

All  the  good  management,  however,  of  a 
model  hostess  cannot  prevent  accident.  The  cook 
will  get  drunk  at  a  most  important  dinner ; 
the  waiter  may  fall  down  and  break  the  Sevres 
porcelain ;  husband  may  be  kept  down  town 
late,  and  be  dressing  in  the  very  room  where 
the  ladies  are  to  take  off  their  cloaks.  In  this 
respect  the  American  houses,  except  the  so- 
called  English  basement,  are  frightfully  incon- 
venient. 

To  all  these  desagrernentH  a  hostess  must  pre- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  57 

sent  a  front  of  invincible  self-possession  and  re- 
pose.   She  must  be 

"  Mistress  of  herself,  though  china  falL" 

And  she  should  never  talk  of  her  health  or  her 
servants.  Let  her  remember  that  these  topics 
amuse  no  one  but  herself. 

Invitations  to  dinner  should  be  answered  at 
once,  and  all  invitations  should  be  answered 
speedily  if  an  answer  is  desired.  Certain  large 
entertainments  do  not  require  that  the  invited 
guests  record  themselves  ;  but  to  most  invitations 
the  '*R.  S.  V.  P."  appended  at  the  foot  shows 
that  the  hostess  wishes  to  know  whom  she  may 
expect. 

A  young  couple  should  be  particulary  respectful 
to  the  older  people  in  society :  should  return  a 
visit  within  a  week  or  inclose  a  card,  and  should 
leave  no  form  of  respect  unpaid.  Too  many 
young  married  couples,  absorbed  in  their  new 
happiness,  ignore  these  attentions;  but  if  they  do, 
they  suffer  for  it  the  remainder  of  their  lives. 


58  THE  AMEKICA>^  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 


CHAPTER  rv. 

DINNERS,   LARGE  AND    SMALL — THEIR  ETIQUETTE, 
NUMBER   OF   COURSES   ANT>   LIMITATIONS. 

t  A  MAN  should,  if  he  die  after  having  ac- 
J\  cepted  an  in\itation  to  dinner,  leave 
his  executors  in  solemn  charge  to  fill  his  place," 
said  Sidney  Smith,  in  that  vein  of  burlesque 
solemnity  with  which  his  ample  wit  draped 
all  trifles.  And  the  absurdity  contains  a  truth. 
Dinners  are  so  carefully  measured  ;  they 
are  so  important  to  the  host  and  hostess ; 
they  are  the  results  of  so  much  care  and 
thought,  that  every  one  is  socially  bound  to 
remember  the  engagement  and  keep  it  with 
punctuality. 

If  illness  or  necessary  absence  from  town 
cause  the  invitee  to  regret,  after  having  ac- 
cepted, a  note  in  the  first  person  should 
inform  the  hostess  at  the  earliest  possible  mo- 
ment, that  she  may  invite  somebody  to  fill  the 
place. 
Invitations  to  dinner  in  New  York,  in  the  gay 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  59 

season,  are  sent  out  a  fortnight  in  advance.     The 
form  is  this : 

"Mrs.  Stevenson 
requests  the  pleasure  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown's 
company  at  dinner,  on  February  22d,  at  seven 
o'clock. 
R.  S.  V.  P.  17  East  Kent  street." 

The  answer  should  be — 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown  have  much  pleasure  in 
accepting  the  polite  invitation  of 
Mrs.  Stevenson 
for  dinner  on  February  22d. 

22  Remington  street. 
February  7th." 

Or,  if  they  decline — 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown  regret  that  a  previous  en- 
gagement will  prevent  their  acceptance  of 

Mrs.  Stevenson's 
very  polite    invitation    for  dinner  on  February 

22d. 

32  Remington  street." 

Always    allow    a    line    for  the    name  of    your 
hostess. 
The  invitation  does  not  enter  into  particulars. 


60  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

unless  you  are  asked  to  meet  some  distinguished 
person.     Then  the  card  reads — 

"  Mrs.  Stevenson 
requests  the  pleasure  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown's 
company  on  Tuesday,   February  22d,   at    seven 
o'clock, 

To  meet  the  Swedish  Minister." 

In  answering,  the  simple  form  mentioned  above 
is  all  that  is  necessary. 

Much  talk  has  taken  place  lately  about  the  use 
of  the  letters  *' R.  S.  V.  P.,"  some  thinking  it 
unnecessary.  The  fact  remains  that  the  best 
people  use  them.  It  simply  means  "  an  answer 
is  requested"  (under  the  elegant  veil  of  '' Be- 
pondezsHl  voiis  plait, ^^  which  sounds  more  polite). 
It  is  not  put  on  all  cards,  as,  for  instance,  to  a 
tea  or  a  reception,  because  then  the  hostess  does 
not  care  to  know  exactly  who  are  coming. 

But  a  dinner  invitation  .-should  be  answered 
quickly  and  positively.  Never  hint  at  any  con- 
tingency, but  give  your  ho.stess  the  simple  assur- 
ance that  you  will  come,  or  that  you  will  not 
come.  Never  say  that  you  'would  come  if  so 
and  so."  Now  for  the  dinner.  Never  attempt  to 
give  a  dinner  unless  you  are  sure  of  your  cook 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS.  61 

and  your  waiter — that  both  are  very  .yoorZ  (unless 
you  give  your  dinner  a  la  Btisse,  and  order 
everything  from  a  restaurant.  These  are  not  the 
best  dinners.  The  dishes  are  apt  to  be  cold, 
greasy  and  poor  unless  you  have  the  very  best 
restaurant  in  the  world  at  hand). 

The  best  dinners  are  those  given  by  excellent 
housekeepers,  whose  domestic  service  is  perfect, 
who  have  a  good  cook  who  is  famous  for  in- 
dividual dishes,  and  with  a  waiter  who  is  at  hottie, 
and  who  can  call  in,  if  he  needs  them,  some  men 
to  help  him. 

The  American  habit  of  hiring  the  same 
waiters  who  have  just  served  at  a  neighbor's 
house  led  to  a  very  curious  mistake  from  a 
foreign  nobleman.  Looking  at  a  well-known  old 
black  man,  who  used  to  serve  at  all  the  dinners, 
he  remarked:  "What  a  very  singular  resem- 
blance the  colored  race  bear  to  each  other.  Now 
I  could  swear  I  had  seen  your  butler  at  every 
dinner  I  have  eaten  in  New  York."  This  habit 
of  hiring  a  "set  of  retainers  "  had  never  oc- 
curred to  the  nobleman. 

"  The  little  dinners,"  therefore,  of  eight  or  ten. 
cooked  in  the  house,  served  by  the  servants  of 


R2  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   r)F   MAN>T;RS. 

the  family,  simple  and  short  dinners,  are  the 
most  agreeable,  the  most  flattering  as  atten- 
tions, and  require,  if  given  often,  a  far  greater 
care  and  expenditure  of  thought  than  the  one 
splendid  show  dinner. 

Now  the  hostess  who  aspires  to  the  reputation 
of  a  "  good  dinner  giver  "  must  remember  four 
things  :  Her  room  must  not  be  too  wann.  nor 
her  light  too  glaring :  she  must  have  a  first-rate 
cook,  and  .she  must  select  congenial  people.  These 
laws  may  be  extended  into  a  thousand  ramifica- 
tions V  but  they  are  four  cardinal  principles. 
A  room  so  warm  that  it  causes  the  flowers 
to  wither  will  be  necessarily  withering  to  the 
brains  of  the  diners.  Eating  makes  people  warm  : 
therefore  your  dining-room  should  be  cool.  It  is 
the  common  American  mistake  to  overheat 
rooms.  The  gaslight  helps  this  heat,  and,  there- 
fore, many  hostesses  are  using  candles  and  lamps. 
The  latter,  though  verj-  fashionable,  are  hor- 
ribly inconvenient,  and  often  go  out  on  the  din- 
ner table,  causing  a  smell  and  a  smudge  which 
ruins  every  one's  appetite.  Candles  are  very 
pleasing,  but  they  drip  and  make  trouble.  Let 
us  hope  that  the  electric  light  is  coming,  and  that 


THE    AMERICAN   COT»E   OF    MANNERS.  6'^ 

it  will  supersede  gas,  candles  and  lamps.  Shades 
are  now  so  generally  introduced  that  there  is 
little  trouble  about  a  glare  of  light. 

"To  be  composed"  is  a  difficult  thing  for  a 
young  hostess.  She  is  essentially  nervous  and 
anxious,  particularly  if  she  is  just  beginning  to 
entertain.  But  here  she  must  resolutely  put  on  a 
mask  of  composure  and  "assume  a  virtue  if  she 
has  it  not. "  Nothing  is  of  so  much  importance  as 
her  own  demeanor  ;  if  that  is  dignified  and  quiet, 
she  triumphs.  A  fussy  hostess  who  scolds  the 
servants,  wrinkles  her  brow,  or  even  forgets  to 
listen  to  the  man  who  is  talking  to  lier,  is  the 
ruin  of  a  dinner.  The  author  of  "Cecil "tells 
his  niece  to  see  "  stewed  puppy-dog  served  with- 
out noticing  it."  Few  hostesses  have  so  severe 
an  ordeal  as  that  would  be  demanded  of  them, 
but  the  maxim  is  a  good  one. 

The  company  should  be  congenial.  This  is  a 
hard  rule  to  follow,  and  requires  tact  and  intelli- 
gence. Remember  the  golden  rule,  and  "  do  unto 
others  as  you  would  that  they  should  do  unto 
you,"  so  do  not  invite  a  party  thoughtlessly. 
simply  to  pay  your  debts ;  tr>'  to  remem- 
ber   if     there     has     been     a    family     qtiarrel 


M  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

or  any  reason  why  your  friends  would  not  like  to 
meet  each  other.  Remember  that  it  is  best  to 
mix  the  different  ages  and  styles  of  person.  Do 
not  get  into  ruts,  or  invite  only  the  young  or  only 
the  elderly.  The  gracious  Lord  has  put  us  in  fam- 
ilies—fathers, mothers,  children;  and  the  most 
agreeable  parties  are  those  where  the  same  rule 
of  nature  is  observed. 

All  extremes  of  luxury  and  every  element  of 
profusion  are  now  fashionable,  but  there  is  one 
simple  dinner  which  covers  the  whole  ground  and 
to  which  the  poor  gentleman  may  aspire,  and  to 
which  he  might  invite  a  prince.  The  essentials 
of  a  perfect  dinner  are  but  few.  The  beauty  of 
a  Grecian  vase  without  ornaments  is  perfect. 
You  may  add  cameo  and  intaglio,  vine,  acanthus 
leaf,  satyrs  and  fawns,  handles  of  ram's  horns 
and  circlet  of  gems  to  your  vase  if  you  wish  and 
are  rich  enough  ;  but  unless  the  outline  is  perfect, 
the  splendor  and  the  arabesque  but  make  the  vase 
vulgar.  So  with  the  simple  dinner  ;  it  is  the  un- 
adorned Grecian  vase.  With  the  splendid  dinner, 
if  these  first  rules  are  observed,  the  added  luxury 
does  not  hurt  it ;  it  is  the  Grecian  vase  heavily 
ornamented. 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF    MANNERS.  65 

A  perfectly  clean,  fine  damask  table-cloth, 
napkins  of  equally  delicate  fabric,  spotless  glass 
and  silver,  and  pretty  china — everything  as  neat 
as  wax  ;  the  middle  of  the  table  furnished  with 
growing  plants  in  a  low  basket  or  high  vase 
with  cut  flowers,  as  the  hostess  pleases — these 
are  the  beginning.  Put  a  dinner  roll  in  the  nap- 
kin (which  is  simply  folded)  at  each  plate  ;  have 
chairs  that  are  high  enough  ;  low  chairs  at  a  din- 
ner are  distressing,  bringing  the  arms  below  the 
proper  angle  for  the  knife  and  fork.  Each  place 
should  have  four  or  five  glasses  for  the  different 
wines  and  a  goblet  for  water.  If  these  glasses 
are  of  different  colors  it  adds  to  the  beauty  of 
the  table.  The  dessert  of  candied  fruits  may  be 
in  pretty  glass  or  silver  dishes.  This  is  a  simple 
dinner,  but  good  enough  for  a  gourmet;  put 
none  of  it  on  the  table — let  it  be  served  from  the 
side  table : 

Oysters  on  the  half-shell. 
Sherry.  Soupe  a  la  Reine.  Sherry. 

1     Shad  or  Salmon,  with       ) 
White  wine.  ]  cucumbers  or  Green  Peas.    \  ^''''^^ 
Burgundy      ,     Filet  de  Boeuf  aux 

and         <         Champignons. 
Champagne.  '       Fried  Potatoes. 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MAXNERS. 


Madeira. 


Roman  Punch. 
Salad  of  Lettuce  or  Tomatoes 
and  Cold  Chicken. 
Sherry,  j  Ices  and  Jellies.     Cheese. 

Port.      I  Fruit. 

Coffee. 
Liqueur. 

That  is  not  an  expensive  dinner  or  a  splendid 
dinner,  but  it  is  essentially  a  good  dinner. 
The  serving  of  the  wine  is  sometimes  altered  by 
the  taste  of  the  gentleman  of  the  house.  Thus, 
many  gentlemen  like  old  Madeira  before  the 
sweets,  although  others  serve  it  after  the  dessert. 
The  champagne  should  be  served  after  the  fish 
and  with  the  piere  de  r^insfance,  as  the  heaviest 
dish  is  called. 

Such  a  dinner  as  this  can  be  given  once  a  week 
by  people  of  moderate  fortune  to  a  party  of  eight  or 
ten  without  extravagance,  and  it  is  as  safe  to  say, 
with  good  company  it  is  the  most  enjoyable  kind. 

From  this  up  to  the  millionaire  dinners,  served 
on  gold  and  silver  and  priceless  Sevres,  Dresden, 
Japanese  and  Chinese  plates,  with  flagons  of  ruby 
glass  bound  with  gold,  with  Benvenuto  Cellini 
vases  and  silver  candelabra,  the  ascent  is  gradual. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  67 

The  table-cloth  is  often  of  openwork  lace  w^er  a 
color,  with  red  velvet  mat  under  the  splendid  silver 
epergne,  which  is  lined  with  mirror.  The  mats  are 
mirrors  ;  the  crystal  drops  of  the  epergne  flash  like 
diamonds.  Each  lady  has  a  bouquet,  a  fan,  a  rib- 
bon painted  with  her  name,  a  basket  or  hoyibon- 
ni'ere  to  take  home  with  her.  The  courses  are 
often  sixteen  in  number,  the  wines  are  of  fabu- 
lous value,  antiquity  and  age— each  drop  is  like 
the  River  Pactolus,  whose  sands  were  of  gold. 
The  viands  are  brought  from  Algiers  to  St. 
Petersburg.  Strawberries  and  peaches  in  Janu- 
ary, the  roses  of  June  in  February,  pears  from 
San  Francisco,  artichokes  from  Marseilles, 
oranges  and  strawberries  from  Florida,  game 
from  Arizona  and  Chesapeake  Bay,  and  mutton 
and  pheasants  from  Scotland,  green  peas  from 
France  and  caviare  from  Russia  often  meet  on 
the  same  dinner  table.  For  a  splendid  dinner 
take  this : 

Oysters  on  the  half -shell. 

Soups. 

Chicken  consomme  a  I'ltalienne. 

Sherry.  Puree  of  Green  Peas.  Sherry 

Fish. 

Salmon. 


68  THE    AMERICAN    fODE    OF    M ANKERS. 


Hock. 


Spanish  Mackerel  a  la  Maitre  i 

d'Hotel.  j  Chateau 

Soft-shell  crabs  farcies.  (  Yquem. 

I   Tomato  and  Cucumber  Salad.  I 

Champagne  \    ^^^^^^  ^^  ^^"*^°^-    / 
FrappI       J  ^^^^^  ^®    ^^^^^  a  la  r      Claret. 
Milanaise. 
Petites  timbales  aux  Champignons. 
Cotelettes  d'Agneau  a  la  Puree  de  Marrons. 
Terrapin. 
Riz  de  Veau. 
Roman  Punch. 
Champagne,  f  Canvas-back  Ducks  i 
Johannis-    -!      Squabs,  Quail.      K'erman wines. 
berger.        IPerdrixauxTruffesJ    Steinberger. 
Asparagus. 
Broiled  Mushrooms  on  Toast. 
Madeira.  Artichokes,  with  sauce.  Port. 

(Cabinet  Pudding.      ] 
Tutti  Fruitti. 
Glaces,  Dessert  Fruit,      Bm-gundy. 
etc.,  etc.  J 

Coffee.  Liqueur. 

To  attempt,  however,  to  give  bills  of  fare  would 
be  to  crowd  the  book  of  etiquette.  Only  general 
rules  can  be  laid  down.  In  quiet  places,  where 
neither  French  cooking  can  be  obtained  nor  is 
desired,  let  the  hostess  herself  superintend,  and 
her  diimer   may  be    as   good  as  that  of    Del- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  6& 

monico.  Her  soup  must  be  made  the  day 
before,  so  that  it  will  be  free  from  grease,  as  pure 
as  wine.  Her  fish  must  be  fresh;  trout  from 
the  brook  would  be  the  very  best  in  the  world. 
Her  roast  must  be  perfectly  cooked  before  the 
fire,  not  inside  of  a  stove.  Fresh  flowers  or  ferns 
must  adorn  her  clean  table-cloth,  and  such  fruits 
as  are  in  season  can  be  added  as  dessert.  Her 
pudding,  if  made  by  her  own  fair  hands,  will  be 
the  best  in  the  world  ;  and,  above  all,  her  tact 
and  self  possession,  like  her  good  bread  and  clear 
coffee,  will  make  the  guests  forget  the  absence  of 
expensive  wines  and  rich  viands. 

The  ceremony  of  taking  people  in  to  dinner  is 
this  :  The  host  goes  first  with  the  lady  to  whom 
the  dinner  is  given,  the  hostess  always  last  with 
principal  gentleman  guest.  All  the  guests 
should  have  their  places  marked  by  a  card, 
and  in  the  hall  or  ante-room  each  gentle- 
man should  find  the  card  indicating  which 
lady  he  is  to  take  in  to  dinner.  Thus,  if 
Sir  Edward  and  Lady  Thornton  asked  General 
and  Mrs.  Grant  to  dinner,  Sir  Edward  would 
go  first,  with  Mrs.  Grant ;  after  all  the  guests  had 
•ontered,  Lady  Thornton  would  bring  up  the  rear 


tU  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

with  General  Grant,  whom  she  would  place  at  her 
right  hand,  always  the  high  seat  of  honor.  No 
gentleman  should  wear  a  dress  coat  at  an  early 
dinner  in  the  country;  dress  coats  belong  to 
seven  o'clock  dinners. 

The  limitations  of  a  dinner  should  be  consid- 
ered. It  is  not  kind  to  guests  to  keep  them  more 
than  two  hours  at  table.  The  French  dinners 
never  last  more  than  one  hour.  English  dinners 
are  too  long  and  too  heavy.  The  Prince  of 
Wales  is  setting  the  fashion  of  short  dinners.  In 
New  York  and  Washington  very  elaborate  din- 
ners last  from  seven  to  half-past  ten,  and  are 
sometimes  very  tiresome. 

It  is  better  to  serve  coffee  in  the  drawing-room, 
although,  at  informal  dinners,  it  is  served  at  the 
table.  Gentlemen  remain  to  smoke  in  the  dining- 
room  in  some  houses  ;  in  others  they  are  taken  to 
a  Ubrary  or  smoking-room.  The  practice  of  the 
ladies  retiring  first  is  an  English  one.  French- 
men consider  it  barbarous.  It  is,  however,  prac- 
ticed in  the  best  horses  of  New  York  and 
Washington,  and  it  is  a  question  if  the  ladies  do 
not  like  it  as  weU  as  the  gentlemen.  They  enjoy 
a  little  chat  by  themselves. 


THE   AMEKICAN   CODE  OF   MANNBBS.  71 


CHAPTER  V. 

STATE   DINNERS,   FORMAL    DINNERS,   AND     FAMOUS 
DINNERS. 

IT  is  strange  that  the  Russians,  so  lately  re- 
deemed from  barbarism,  have  taught  the 
world  how  to  serve  a  dinner.  All  diplomatic 
dinners,  all  state  dinners,  and  most  fashionable 
dinners,  are  served  d  la  litcuse  ;  which  means  that 
nothing  appears  on  the  table  to  eat,  but  all  is 
handed  by  the  servants  from  a  side  table  or  from 
behind  a  screen. 

General  Washington  probably  carved  his  own 
turkey,  even  at  a  state  dinner,  but  President 
Hayes  does  not  know  at  all  what  he  is  to  have  for 
his  dinner  until  he  looks  at  the  menu  by  his  side, 
which  was  laid  there  by  his  butler. 

The  dinner-table  is  merely  a  splendid  picture, 
which  remains  a  picture  tb  the  end,  unless  some 
one  is  so  unlucky  as  to  overturn  a  glass  of  claret 
on  the  table-cloth.  The  ^pergne  or  centrepiece 
in  England  is  generally  a  splendid  piecS  of  silver, 
covered    with  flowers  and  fruits,  with  a  ''hot- 


72  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MA>-NERS. 

house  pine  "  somewhere  in  it  or  about  it.  Fine 
candelabra  and  vases  are  at  either  end,  and 
dishes,  holding  sugar  plums  and  dried  can- 
died fruit,  are  at  the  four  comers.  Very 
handsome  pitchers  of  glass,  holding  wine, 
and  elegant  decanters  are  allowable.  In 
fact,  everything  ornamental  is  allowed,  and 
nothing  that  can  by  use  become  unseemly  is  ad- 
mitted to  such  a  dinner.  We  all  know  how 
disorderly,  at  certain  moments,  a  dinner  looks 
at  which  the  car\ing  and  helping  at  table  are 
allowed.  In  the  dinner  a  la  Jimne  the  table  always 
looks  well,  for  the  plate  before  each  guest,  con- 
stantly renewed,  is  alone  responsible  for  any 
viand.  The  company  enter,  a.s  we  have  said,  the 
host  first,  with  the  lady  to  whom  the  dinner  is 
given,  and  hi.s  guests  follow,  each  gentleman 
standing  behind  his  lady's  chair  until  the  hostess 
has  entered  and  taken  her  seat.  They  find  before 
them  oysters  or  clams  on  the  half -shell,  on 
majolica  plates,  with  bits  of  lemon  in  the  centre 
of  the  plate.  The  servants  pass  red  and  black 
pepper  and  salt.  These  are  removed  and  two 
soups  are  p^sed,  so  that  each  guest  lias  a  choice 
of  soups.    These  removed,  two  choices  of  fish 


THE  AMBRIOAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.      73 

are  offered  to  each  guest,  and  so  on,  through  an 
elaborate  dinner  of  from  ten  to  sixteen  courses, 
the  table  meanwhile  remaining  a  beautiful,  fresh 
thing,  with  flowers  and  fruits  and  charming  objets 
cfart  to  look  at.  The  butler  should  always  place 
the  principal  dish  for  a  moment  before  the  hostess, 
that  she  may  signify  by  a  nod  if  she  is  pleased 
with  it. 

Books  of  etiquette  sometimes  elaborately  tell 
people  how  to  use  a  napkin  and  how  to  hold  a 
fork.  But  it  seems  incredible  that  in  the  nine- 
teenth century  anybody  can  be  ignorant  of  these 
simple  customs.  If  there  is  such  a  person,  let 
him  know  that  it  is  not  etiquette  to  pin  a  napkin 
up  to  his  coat,  or  to  spread  it  over  his  breast.  It 
should  be  across  his  knees,  convenient  to  his 
hand.  The  fork  should  always  be  held  in  the  right 
hand  for  eating  oysters,  peas,  or  anything  that  is 
to  be  conveyed  to  the  mouth,  and  only  trans- 
ferred to  the  left  hand  when  meat  is  to  be  cut, 
and  it  is  needed  to  steady  the  morsel. 

In  Europe,  particularly  in  Germany,  very  well- 
bred  people  still  eat  with  the  knife  ;  but  in  this 
country,  in  France  and  England,  it  is  semi-bar- 
barous to  bring  the  knife  in  contact  with  the  lips. 


74  THE   AJVfERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

It  often  shocks  well-bred  Americans  to  see  a  Ger- 
man princess  carry  cauliflower,  peas  or  potato 
salad  to  her  delicate  mouth  on  the  point  of  a 
silver  knife,  but  such  a  sight  is  possible.  It  is 
very  ugly,  and  should  be  avoided  here. 

The  custom  of  serving  dinners  d  la  Hftn^ie  should 
prevent  any  one  from  asking  for  a  dish  a  second 
time ;  indeed,  this  is  never  done  at  a  state  din- 
ner.    There  is  little  need  of  it. 

We  have  spoken  of  the  ei)ergne.  The  fancy 
now,  in  this  country,  is  to  replace  the  high  orna- 
ments by  low  baskets  of  flowers,  and  to  do  away 
with  everything  which  prevents  conversation 
across  the  table.  Low  dishes  of  majolica,  crys- 
tal and  silver  are  liked  by  some.  Very  many  opu- 
lent hostesses  have  the  table  entirely  covered 
with  flowers,  and  only  a  space  left  for  the  plate, 
knives,  forks  and  glasses  of  each  guest.  This  is 
very  beautiful,  especially  in  mid-winter,  and  for  a 
round  table,  which  is  very  sociable,  it  i.**  quite 
charming.  But  the  high  ^pergne  is  very  stately, 
and  makes  a  table  always  look  well.  A  pretty 
and  simple  (^pergne,  which  holds  flowers  for  every 
day,  is  always  a  charming  object. 

Be  very  careful  to  avoid  mistakes  as  to  the  hour 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAXNER3.  75 

of  a  dinner.  Five  minutes  grace  "  was  all  that 
General  Washington  allowed,  and  we  could  fol- 
low his  example  in  this  as  in  larger  things.  A 
half  hour's  delay  spoils  the  fish  and  makes  the 
cook  lose  his  temper.  One  great  *•  diner  out,"  in 
New  York,  always  carries  his  invitations  with 
him,  so  that  if  he  seems  late  or  early  he  may  de- 
fend himself  in  his  own  eyes  by  glancing  at  it  in 
the  hall. 

A  small  bout&iini^re  or  bunch  of  flowers  awaits 
him  with  a  card  in  an  envelope,  which  tells  a 
gentleman,  before  entering  the  parlor,  which  lady 
he  is  to  take  in  to  dinner.  If  he  does  not  know 
her,  he  must  whisper  ^his  to  the  hostess,  who 
will  present  him  to  the  lady. 

At  a  dinner,  forget  all  animosities.  If  you  are 
seated  next  to  your  deadliest  enemy,  talk  and 
laugh  and  make  yourself  agreeable,  to  spare  your 
host  and  hostess  annoyance.  Everybody  is 
bound  to  be  as  agreeable  as  he  can  for  the  benefit 
of  the  whole  mass. 

Be  careful,  if  you  have  not  experienced  serv- 
ants, to  instruct  them  in  everjthing  before  din- 
ner. Have  plenty  of  side  tables  and  sideboards, 
where  the  extra  dishes,    knives,   forks,   plates, 


76  THE   A.MBRICAJf  CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

spoons  and  glasses  may  be  found.  Have  extra 
napkins  at  hand  to  replace  one  which  may  be 
stained  with  wine.  No  condiments  should  ever 
be  put  on  a  table  except  salt,  of  which  every 
guest  should  have  a  little  private  silver  cell  be- 
fore him.  After  the  meats  and  game,  a  servant 
should  go  with  a  crumb  scraper,  removing  the 
o.rurabs,  and  another  with  a  silver  salver  to  re- 
move all  the  glasses,  except  those  for  sherry  or 
Madeira,  or  a  goblet  for  ice  water,  all  ladies 
liking  ice  water  in  America. 

The  butler  mentions  the  name  of  the  wine 
before  pouring  it.  If  you  do  not  wish  it, 
touch  your  glass  with  your  finger,  with  a  motion 
which  checks  him.  It  is  proper  to  ask  for  bread, 
for  water,  or  for  champagne,  at  a  dinner.  These 
substances  alone  seeming  to  be  always  desirable, 
and  served  n^  Jibitntn. 

The  host  has  his  duty  plainly  marked  out  before 
him.  Above  all  things  he  must  be  attentive  to 
the  ladies  on  either  side  of  him  :  he  must  encour- 
age the  timid,  draw  out  the  silent,  throw  the  ball 
of  conversation  down  the  table,  remember  every 
man's  specialty  and  draw  him  out:  he  must 
try  to    simulate  ease    and    frankness,  and  bon- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  77 

hcmimie,  even  if  he  has  not  these  virtues  ;  he 
must  never  show  temper,  even  if  the  butler  is 
drunk.  Let  a  host  avoid  all  boasting  of  his  wines ; 
he  can  mention  their  age,  and  beg  of  his  guest  to 
taste  his  '^  Steinberger  of '46,"  or  his  "Claret 
of  the  Comet  year,"  or  his  "  OM  Warrior  Ma- 
deira," but  he  should  not  show  ostentation,  or 
remark  upon  the  rout  of  anything.  The  model 
host  makes  himself  only  felt  by  his  munificence, 
as  a  stream  announces  its  presence  by  the  ver- 
dure along  its  banks.  But  all  hosts  are  not  mil- 
lionaires, and  yet  would  like  to  give  dinners. 

A  maid-servant  in  a  neat  cap  and  apron  can 
be  taught  to  serve  a  dinner  as  well  as  a  man. 
She  can  have  a  side  table  on  which  she  de- 
posits the  soup  tureen,  and  from  which  she 
helps  all  the  guests.  A  maid-servant  should 
be  (if  she  is  the  waiter)  taught  to  carve,  so 
that  she  can  save  her  employer  all  trouble.  Two 
women  often  serve  a  dinner  elegantly  in  Eng- 
land, and  can  be  taught  to  do  so  in  this  country. 
The  great  point  is  to  have  things  done  neatly 
and  quietly. 

If  a  gentleman  still  chooses  (like  General  Wash- 
ington) to  do  his  own  carving,  he  should  have  his 


78  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

knife  sharp  and  learn  to  cut  a  joint  or  a  bird  sit- 
ting. Ladies  often  carve  elegantly,  and  it  was 
considered  indispensable  by  our  grandmothers 
that  every  lady  should  have  this  accomplishment. 
It  is,  however,  rapidly  going  out,  and  nowadays 
the  tea  and  coffee  at  breakfast  are  often  served 
from  a  side  table,  and  all  the  dishes  passed  to  the 
guests  even  at  breakfast. 

The  objection  to  the  old  fashion  is  that  it  takes 
away  the  attention  of  the  hostess  from  her  guests 
if  she  has  to  serve  ever>'  dish.  Certainly  for  a 
large  dinner,  a  ceremonious  dinner,  it  would  be 
impossible. 

A  dinner  table  should  not  bo  crowded.  If  the 
room  is  large  enough,  a  dinner  of  twenty-four  is 
just  as  agreeable  offen  as  a  dinner  of  ten.  It  de- 
pends on  the  companion  next  to  you  in  all  cases. 

On  rising  from  the  table  the  gentlemen  some- 
times accompany  the  ladies  to  the  parlor,  and 
then  return  to  smoke,  and  sometimes  only  go  to 
the  door,  always  remaining  standing  till  the 
ladies  have  disappeared. 

Except  at  Washington,  Albany,  Harrisburg,  or 
other  cities  where  official  position  is  especially 
recognized,  we  do  not  in  this  country  observe 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS.  79 

official  rank  at  a  dinner  party.  A  governor  or  a 
mayor  is  asked  to  sit  anywhere,  without  loss  of 
consequence  or  dignity.  Mrs.  Stevenson  may 
give  a  dinner  to  Mrs.  Brown,  and  there  may  be 
a  govemof ,  an  admiral,  a  mayor  and  a  general  in 
the  company  ;  yet  she  takes  in  Mr.  Brown.  That 
is  our  republican  way  of  doing  things.  In  Wash- 
ington there  must  be  some  show  of  respect  to  the 
Diplomatic  Corps ;  but  even  there,  senators, 
judges  and  even  foreign  Ministers  sit  wherever 
their  hostess  chooses  to  place  them. 

The  President,  of  course,  being  our  highest 
official,  is  always  the  guest  at  any  house  which 
he  chooses  to  visit,  and  he  should  never  be  asked 
to  sit  anywhere  but  at  the  right  hand  of  the 
hostess.  To  him  and  to  his  family  the  American 
people  always  give  willing  precedence. 

The  rmnu,  or  bill  of  fare,  is  generally  written 
in  French,  as  oiu"  cooks  are  generally  men  of 
foreign  birth,  who  understand  that  language  bet- 
ter than  any  other.  It  is  a  pity  that  there  is  not 
an  English  vocabulary  for  these  delicate  dishes 
which  form  the  staple  of  our  splendid  dinners. 
Yet  French  is  generally  understood.  To  trans- 
late it  literally  makes  great  nonsense.     People 


80  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAN^^;R8. 

must  learn  that  "  vol  au  vent  de  volaille  "  means 
simply  chicken  pie,  and  that  "  cotelettes  a  la 
financiere"  are  nothing  but  mutton  chops  with 
truffles  and  coxcombs,  and  that  "  pommes  de 
terre  aux  maitre  d'liotel ''  are  simply  boiled  po- 
tatoes, and  so  on.  The  knowledge  is  easily  tic- 
quired. 

Colored  cooks  are  notably  good  ones.  The 
Baltimore  cookery  is  world-renowned  ;  and  that  of 
New  England,  where  recipes  were  handed  from 
generation  to  generation,  was  sometimes  exqui- 
site. We  need  not  be  dependent  on  French  cook- 
ery. But  there  is  au  American  ignorance  which 
is  startling  on  the  subject  of  cookery,  and  if 
ladies  do  not  study  it  a.s  an  art,  it  >\ill,  in  the 
rural  districts,  be  .-^oon  impossible  to  get  a  good 
dinner. 

To  fry  things,  to  bake  meats  in  hot  ovens,  to 
abjure  the  gridiron,  to  ruin  a  beefsteak  and  to 
kill  the  juicy  excellence  of  a  roast,  these  are  our 
national  sins.  To  cook  indigestible  lumps  of  pas- 
try, to  feed  a  nation  on  pies,  on  heavy  bread— 
who  can  expect  greatness,  wisdom  or  honesty 
from  a  nation  of  moody  dyspeptics  V 

The  dinner  question   is  in  the    hands  of  the 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  81 

women.  What  woman  does  not  like  to  see  her 
table  neat  and  attractive  ?  How  many  aids  she 
has  now,  in  the  beauty  of  the  modem  glass  and 
china,  the  profusion  and  cheapness  of  flowers, 
the  excellence  of  canned  vegetables,  making  her 
independent  of  the  seasons,  and  in  the  profusion 
of  the  American  markets.  Foreigners  say  that 
we  throw  away  enough  at  any  meal  to  support 
another  family. 

Dinner  cards  have  come  in,  in  great  variety,  on 
which  the  visitor's  name  can  be  written.  These, 
painted,  etched,  engraved  and  ornamented  with 
flowers,  feathers  and  Japanese  figures,  are  in 
tremendous  variety  at  all  stationers  and  jewelers. 
Those  are  the  prettiest  which  are  done  by  the 
young  people  of  the  house  or  the  lady  herself, 
with  quotations  from  Shakespeare  or  the  poets. 
They  show  a  personal  thought,  which  is  always 
complimentary.  One  should  read  of  famous  din- 
ners. There  i.s  an  account  in  Brillat  Savarin's 
"Book  on  Taste"  (**  Physiologic  du  Gout")— 
a  charming  account  by  Lady  Morgan  of 
a  dinner  at  Baron  Rothschild's,  which  is 
worth  reading  now,  to  see  how  little  the 
formal  European  dinner  has  changed.     Charles 


82  THE    AMEMCAK    C01>«   OF    MANNERS. 

Lever's  books  are  full  of  dinners,  and  so  are  Biil- 
wer's.  The  Englishman  considers  that  he  has 
done  his  duty  by  you  if  he  asks  you  to  dinner, 
and  nowhere  does  a  man  of  good  English  position 
appear  so  well  as  at  his  own  dinner  table.  The 
best  of  everything  he  has  is  at  your  disposal. 

The  old,  inconvenient  habit  of  changing  the 
table-cloth  is  done  away  with  ;  the  guests  are  not 
now  troubled.  That  was  the  result  of  the  "  carv- 
ing-at-table"  process,  which  was  likely  to  endan- 
ger the  purity  of  the  cloth.  If  all  the  meats  are 
carved  elsewhere  the  cloth  remain.^  immaculate. 

The  fashion  of  drinking  healths  has  passed 
away.  The  modem  dinner  is  a  very  unceremo- 
nious thing  compared  with  the  dinner  of  General 
Washington's  time.  It  has  steadily  increased  in 
elegance  and  has  decreased  in  ceremony  and  stiff- 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  53 

CHAPTER   ^^. 

RECEPTIONS,    TEAS,    LUNCHEONS. 

THE  "reception,"  so  called  in  modern 
parlance,  is  simply  a  party  by  daylight. 
The  gas  is  lighted,  the  daylight  excluded  ;  the 
hostess  and  her  intimate  friends  are  in  beautiful 
toilette,  the  gayest  dresses,  but  always  in  ''high 
neck,"  or  ••orsage  montmit,  as  the  French  say,  and 
with  hair  very  much  dressed. 

Their  female  guests  come  in  street  dresses  and 
bonnets  ;  their  male  friends  in  frock  coats  and 
gray  trowsers — decidedly  derai-toilette.  This  is 
an  anomaly,  as  it  is  an  anomaly  that  the  bride  is 
always  in  full  evening  dress,  while  the  bridegroom 
is  in  morning  costume ;  but  etiquette  has  so  or- 
dained it,  and  etiquette  must  be  observed. 

These  entertainments  are  usually  very  large, 
and  a  splendid  collation  is  served.  They  are 
liked  by  many  housekeepers,  as  being  the  most 
convenient  way  of  entertaining,  and  as  saving  the 
servants  from  being  up  late  at  night. 

The  drawback  to  such  entertainments  is  this : 


84  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAN^TERS. 

very  few  gentlemen  can  spare  the  time  to  go  in 
the  daytime  to  make  calls  or  visits.  Therefore 
the  attendance  is  largely  feminine. 

The  lady  guests  who  attend  wear  dressy  bon- 
nets— generally  white  ones — and  a  gown  which 
is  not  too  heavy,  as  the  rooms  are  invariably 
too  warm.  A  heavy  cloak  is  thrown  off  in  the 
hall,  as  it  is  dangerous  to  go  out  into  the  cold 
air  with  only  the  dress  proper  to  such  an  atmo- 
sphere as  an  American  house  alone  can  create. 
The  invitations  to  these  receptions  are  formal, 
and  are  generally  sent  out  in  New  York  a  fort- 
night in  advance.     The  form  rs  as  follows  : 

Mra.  Majoribanks, 

At  home, 

Wednesday,  March  31st,         « 

From  3  to  0. 

R.  8.  V.  P.  17  E.  Kent  street. 

No  response  is  necessary  ;  the  hostess  makes 
preparation  for  the  number  of  guests  whom  she 
has  invited. 

On  entering,  the  guest  places  a  card  on  the 
table.  If  she  cannot  be  present  at  the  reception, 
she  should  send  a  card  in  an  envelope. 

After  these  entertainments,  which  are  parties, 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.      S5 

people  should  call :  but  after  the  more  informal 
"teas"  now  so  fashionable,  calls  are  not  ex- 
pected. They  were  invented  to  save  the  per- 
son of  voluminous  acquaintance  from  the  gene 
of  making  calls  on  all  friends,  which,  in  the 
great  city  of  New  York,  becomes  an  impossi- 
biUty. 

"  Tea  at  four  o'clock  "  is  at  once  so  cheap, 
and  so  easy  a  form  of  entertaining,  that  it 
is  quite  within  the  reach  of  every  enter- 
tainer. A  lady  sends  out  her  visiting  card  with 
the  words  written  in  one  corner,  "  Thursdays 
In  April,  tea  at  four  o'clock,"  and  she  then 
quietly  stays  at  home,  with  a  tea-table  spread, 
merely  with  the  tea-urn,  a  few  cups  and  saucers, 
and  a  basket  of  cake,  and  the  claims  of  society 
are  satisfied.  She  need  do  nothing  further, 
nor  make  a  call  unless  she  chooses,  for  the 
season. 

It  is  a  very  pretty  fashion,  and  if  it  could  be 
kept  to  its  original  design,  which  was  intended  to 
supplement  the  great  ball  and  the  large  reception, 
it  would  be  well. 

Unfortunately,  it  has  been  considered  as  a  prec- 
edent by  those  who  could  do  more  for  society, 


86      THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

and  has  been  turned  into  an  evening  party  by  the 
hostess,  who  thus  escapes  expense  and  trouble. 
Also,  but  one  '•  tea"  is  given,  when  many  should 
be  allowed,  to  make  up  for  the  distance  and  the 
numberless  "teas'"  which  on  Satiu-days,  in  the 
season,  conflict  with  each  other. 

On  certain  days  of  the  cold  winter  of  1878-79. 
often  nine  *'  teas'"  were  announced  for  one  Sat- 
urday. It  was  impossible  to  "do "  them  all,  and 
there  was  ver5'  little  amu.semen.  to  be  derived 
from  any  of  them,  if  done  hastily. 

But.  as  they  are  convenieui,  they  will  always  re- 
main fashionable  in  the  great  crowded  cities. 
Only  let  it  be  observed  that  these  are  not  parties, 
and  therefore  they  do  not  need  the  subsequent 
ceremony  of  a  card — if  a  person  has  attended  the 
original  "tea."' 

It  too  often  becomes  the  fashion  to  substitute 
elaborate  dressing  on  the  part  of  the  ladies  of  the 
family  at  these  teas  for  the  plain  dres?  which 
merely  an  "  at  home"  demands,  and  to  make  them 
gas-lighted,  crowded  and  disagreeable  pretenses 
for  parties,  when  they  should  remain  only  "  teas  " 
or  quiet  "  at  homes." 

A  young  lady  should  never  iaiue  her  own  card 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  87 

for  a  reception  or  tea.     If  she  is  motherless,  her 
card  should  read  thus  : 

Mr.  and  Miss  Charpentier, 

At  home, 

Thursday,  February  2d, 

At  3  o'clock, 

etc.,  etc. 

Or  her  chaperon  should  send  the  card,  with 
the  young  lady's  card  inclosed. 

Numerals  are  only  permitted  in  dates,  hours 
and  street  numbers.  Elisions  are  not  permitted 
at  all,  or  abbreviations.  Let  your  friend  see  that 
you  lins:er  as  long  as  possible  over  your  note  ;  it 
is  a  respectful  compliment. 

The  invitation  to  a  luncheon  usually  requires 
an  answer.  '*  R.  S.  V.  P."  is  usually  appended. 
When  it  is  not,  one  may  presume  that  the  lady 
has  asked  so  many  that  she  does  not  require  an 
answer,  and  that  the  luncheon  is  to  be  served  as 
a  collation  to  every  one  who  approaches  the 
table. 

There  are  ver>'  few  persons,  however,  who  are 
offended  at  punctiliousness,  and  therefore,  if  a 
person  wishes  to  send  a  regret  or  an  acceptance 


88      THE  AMEKTOAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

to  such  an  invitation,  it  is  proper  to  do  so.  But 
no  leader  of  society  is  offended  at  the  omission, 
unless,  of  course,  it  be  an  invitation  to  dinner,  or 
to  a  "  sit  down  lunch,"'  and  to  those  invitations 
''  R.  S.  V.  P."  is  always  appended. 

Young  gentlemen  should  make  an  evening  call. 
in  full  dress,  some  time  within  a  month  after  being 
invited  to  a  reception,  dinner  or  limch.  on  the 
lady  who  has  invited  them.  If  they  get  in,  the 
call  should  last  less  than  an  hour  :  if  they  do  not 
get  in,  but  leave  a  card,  their  visit  will  be  properly 
commended  and  set  down  to  their  credit  by  their 
amiable  hostess. 

Many  ladies  are  now  introducing  dancing  at  day 
receptions  and  at  •  teas."  Music  is  also  added  as 
an  attraction.  In  a  crowded  room,  where  people 
are  coming  and  going,  this  is  objectionable,  as 
there  are  few  who  enjoy  music  while  being  inter- 
rupted, and  few  houses  are  large  enough  for 
dancing  and  receiving.  The  hostess  is  also  dis- 
tracted by  having  to  listen  to  both  talk  and  music. 
The  only  place  where  this  can  be  well  done  is  at 
Newport,  where  the  houses  are  large,  the  com- 
pany so  familiar  with  each  other,  and,  with  the 
customs  of  the  place,  that  all  arrive  about  the 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE    OF   MANNERS.  89 

time.  At  a  reception  to  the  President  or 
any  distinguished  man,  everybody  is  bound  to  be 
punctual.  The  card  should  set  forth  the  hour. 
The  most  distinguished  lady  in  the  United  States 
has  her  hour  engraved  thus :  "At  half -past 
nine  precisely,^'  and  her  example  may  be  well 
followed. 

The  table  may  groan  with  all  the  luxuries,  or  it 
may  simply  bear  a  few  sandwiches,  ices,  coffee, 
tea,  chocolate,  punch  and  oysters,  as  the  lady 
pleases.  Heavy  and  elaborate  day  lunches  are 
unhealthy  and  interfere  mth  a  seven-o'clock 
dinner.  A  well-bred  host  errs  on  the  side  of 
plainness  rather  than  that  of  a  heavy  over- 
munificence. 

Ladies  should  not  wear  jewelry  in  the  morning, 
particularly  at  their  own  houses.  The  hostess 
should  always  be  plainly  dressed,  so  that  her 
guests  be  not  made  to  feel  ashamed  of  a  quiet 
toilette. 

Evening  parties  are  far  more  formal,  and  re- 
quire the  best  and  most  elaborate  dress.  Every- 
one who  can  wear  alow  cut  dress  (decollete)  should 
do  so.  At  an  evening  party  in  New  York,  people 
go  at  eleven  o'clock— a  ridiculously  late  hour— 


90  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAXNER3. 

unless  the  hostess  defines  the  hour,  as  is  often 
done,  in  this  way  : 

Mrs.  Campbell, 

At  home, 

Thursday  evening,  March  17th. 

From  9  to  11. 

R.  S.  V.  P. 

Some  sticklers  for  a  perfect  etiquette  say  that 
no  lady  has  a  right  to  demand  an  answer  to  an 
"at  home:"  she  should  say.  if  she  expects  an 
answer  • 

Mrs.  Campbell 

Requests  the  pleasure 

Of  Mrs.  So-and-So's  Company 

On  Thursday  evening, 

etc..  etc. 

No  doubt  tliis  is  the  mo.st  perfect  form,  but  so 
long  as  ladies  do  append  "  R.  S.  V.  P."  to  an 
*'  at  home,"  they  should  receive  an  answer. 

At  a  reception  the  lady  alone  receives,  the  host 
walks  about  among  his  guests ;  the  sons  and 
daughters  make  themselves  generally  agreeable. 

If  the  reception  is  given  to  some  distinguished 
person,  then  the  lady  simply  stands  beside  her 
guest,  to  present  all  the  rompany  to  him,  or  Iter. 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.      91 

There  are  exceptions  to  this  rule,  of  course — if 
Illness  or  indisposition  to  society  prevent  the 
hostess  from  receiving — but  so  long  as  she  is 
in  good  health  and  chooses  to  invite  people 
she  is  a  perfect  queen.  It  is  she  who  invites  the 
guests,  she  who  presides,  who  defines  the  laws  of 
her  household,  and  of  her  feasts.  It  is  to  her 
that  all  the  honors  are  paid ;  the  host,  for  the 
time  being,  playing  but  a  secondary  part.  No 
fact  defines  so  admirably  the  civilization  of  the 
nineteenth  century  as  this — the  pre-eminence  of 
women.  A  man  dresses  liimself  plainly,  biit  put.^ 
diamonds  on  his  wife.  In  savage  communities 
it  is  the  male  who  wears  the  fine  clothes,  and  the 
female  who  digs  the  earth  and  waits  upon  her 
lord,  standing  behind  him  while  he  eats.  In  the 
etiquette  of  society  that  savage  fashion  is  re- 
versed. 

The  etiquette  of  musical  parties  demands  first, 
punctuality,  then  silence  while  the  music  is 
being  played  or  sung.  Nothing  is  so  ill-bred 
as  to  talk  or  to  move  about  while  a  song  is 
going  on. 

No  lady  who  gives  a  musicale  should  invite 
more  than   she  can   seat   comfortably,   and  she 


92  THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNEKS. 

should  have  her  rooms  cool,  and  her  lights  soft 
and  shaded.  People  with  weak  eyes  sufifer 
dreadfully  in  the  glare  of  gas ;  and  when  music 
is  going  on  they  cannot  stir  to  relieve  themselves. 
Who  can  endure  the  mingled  misery  of  a  hot 
room,  an  uncomfortable  seat,  a  glare  of  gas  and 
a  pianoforte  solo  ? 

A  very  sensible  reformation  is  now  in 
progress  in  regard  to  the  sending  of  in- 
vitations and  the  answering  of  the  same. 
The  post  is  now  freely  used  as  a  safe  and  con- 
venient medium,  and  one  that  never  fails.  Until 
very  lately  men  were  hired  to  take  notes,  and 
servants  were  sent  with  all  dinner  invitations  and 
their  replies.  This  being  found  utterly  imprac- 
ticable in  small  families,  or  by  young  gentlemen 
living,  as  most  young  gentlemen  do  live,  in  large 
cities,  messenger  boys  were  employed. 

This  was  found  to  be  very  unsafe,  as  messenger 
boys  are  wholly  irresponsible,  and  if  they  lose  a 
note  they  never  tell  of  it. 

Therefore,  it  has  come  about  that  notes  may  be 
sent  by  post,  as  in  London  or  Paris,  without  loss 
of  caate. 

No  one  is  obliged,  of  course,  to  send  by  post, 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MANNEKr^.  93 

but  it  is  much  safer  and  often  more  expeditious, 
and  there  is  no  rule  of  etiquette  broken. 

For  "teas"  it  is  much  better  than  sending  by 
private  messenger.  A  lady  has  a  great  number  ol 
cards  to  send,  she  has  but  to  spend  a  morning  in 
directing  her  notes  and  in  appending  the  little 
postage  stamp,  or  she  may  readily  conmiit  that 
duty  to  an  intelligent  servant,  the  notes  are  de- 
posited in  a  neighboring  lamp-post,  and  are  quite 
sure  to  reach  their  destination. 

The  etiquette  of  the  ball-room  is  scarcely 
greater  than  that  of  an  evening  party.  No  young 
lady  should  no  without  a  chaperon  to  either. 
When  at  the  ball  she  sits  by  her  chaperon  until 
asked  to  dance  ;  she  then,  after  the  dance,  returns 
to  her. 

A  young  gentleman  can  go  to  a  lady  friend  and 
request  to  be  introduced  to  a  young  lady,  or  he 
can  request  the  patrons  of  the  ball  to  present 
him.  A  lady's  permission  should  always  be  asked 
before  a  gentleman  is  presented.  A  short  walk 
after  the  dance  is  permitted,  and  a  talk  in  the 
parlors  adjacent  to  the  ball-room  .  Vmt  it  is  not 
etiquette  for  a  gentleman  to  take  a  ladj'  off  for 
the  whole  evening  from  her  chaperon. 


Q4  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS. 

No  gentleman  should  go  into  a  supper-room 
alone,  or  help  himself  while  one  lady  remains  un- 
served. Yoimg  American  gentlemen  are  very  ill- 
bred  in  this  matter  sometimes,  and  the  supper 
room  looks  like  an  arena  of  gluttony.  Let  all 
men  remember  while  in  society  that  they  are 
there  as  the  knights,  the  attendants  on  the  fairer 
portion  of  creation,  and  not  to  eat,  drink  and  be 
merry  as  at  the  large  men's  dinners,  suppers  and 
club  entertainments. 


THE   AMERICAN   COBE   OF   MANNERS.  95 


CHAPTER  Vn. 

WHO   SHOULD   BOW   FIRST  ?      WHO    SHOTTT^B    SPEAK 
^TIRST  ?      WHO   SHOULD   CALL   FIRST  » 

THERE  is  much  unnecessary  questioning  on 
these  subjects,  much  unnecessary  heart- 
burning. 

We  are  on  a  sliding  scale  in  America.  No  one 
knows  with  thorough  exactitude  where  he  stands, 
socially,  as  every  one  may  from  the  humblest  po- 
sition rise  to  the  very  highest.  Therefore,  if  a  per- 
son have  assumption,  arrogance,  pretension,  he 
may  assume  to  be  a  great  personage,  and  may, 
by  his  manner,  hurt  the  feelings  of  some  other 
humbler  person.  We  call  such  a  person  a  snob, 
and  he  deserves  the  odious  name. 

Th«  highest  born  and  the  most  distinguished 
persons  in  Europe  have  the  best,  the  most  gra- 
cious and  the  least  assuming  manners.  When  Earl 
de  Grey  and  Ripon  was  here,  at  the  period  of  the 
"High  Joint  Commission"  in  Washington,  he 
said  "  that  General  and  Mrs.  Grant  had  the  man- 
ners of  kings  and  queens,"  so  simple  and  unpre- 


%      THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

tending  were  they,  so  kindly  and  cordial  to  every- 
body. Now  some  '^nouveaux  riches''''  in  New 
York  (and  it  is  to  be  feared  in  other  cities)  are 
not  so  unpretending  as  was  the  great  soldier  and 
his  quiet  wife.  They  assume  an  air  of  lofty  dis- 
dain, affect  not  to  know  those  whom  they  do 
know  perfectly  well,  and  ignore  their  own  past. 
Such  people  are  not  personages  of  refined  so- 
ciety— they  are  vulgar  snobs. 

The  lady  who  is  fully  aware  of  her  own  good 
birth  and  breedins:.  who  has  had  respectable  an- 
cestors, and  who  has  lived  always  in  good  society, 
is  never  afraid  to  bow  first,  to  call  first,  and  to 
speak  first.  She  knows  that  courtesy  is  the  most 
beautiful  virtue  ;  that  politeness  should  be  enu- 
merated among  the  seven  capital  virtues,  and 
that  she  is  not  hurt  if  the  person  to  whom  she 
bows  does  not  bow  back. 

Now.  some  young  gentlemen,  with  a  very 
proper  modesty,  assume  that  it  is  not  their  place 
to  bow  to  a  lady  until  she  bows  to  them ;  but 
here  they  are  wrong.  The  mistake  arises  from  a 
too  great  respect,  and  from  an  ignorance  of  the 
world.  A  lady,  particularly  an  elderly  one.  and 
a  society  leader  perhaps,  has  so  many  acoquaint- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  97 

ances  that  she  does  not  remember  all  the  young 
men  who  have  been  presented.  She  is  never 
offended  if  a  young  man  raises  his  hat  to  her  and 
claims  an  acquaintance  which  it  would  give  her 
infinite  pleasure  to  acknowledge  did  not  memory 
fail  to  bring  the  face  and  name  together.  A  gen- 
tleman should  always  bow  first  to  a  lady,  no 
matter  whether  she  returns  it  or  not.  If  he  sees 
by  her  face  that  she  does  not  wish  to  return  it, 
he  can  refrain  from  bowing  the  next  time. 
Young  men  are  generally  chivalrous,  respectful 
and  humble,  that  is,  young  men  who  are  gentle' 
men.  Let  them  not  be  afraid  to  bow  first.  It  is 
a  courtly  grace  to  bow  well  to  a  woman.  It  has 
the  authority  of  Sir  Walter  Raleigh  behind  it. 

Now,  as  for  calling  first,  the  etiquette  in  Wash- 
ington is  very  definite  :  the  latest  comer  calls  first. 
It  is  a  thousand  pities  that  this  is  not  the  custom 
in  every  town,  it  would  simplify  matters  so  much. 
But  in  New  York  it  is  the  fashion  for  the  oldest 
resident  to  make  the  first  advances,  although  now 
new  people,  if  they  choose,  send  their  card  for  a 
tea  or  a  reception,  and  await  the  action  of  the 
social  leader,  whose  acquaintance  is  thus  grace- 
fully solicited.    If  this  attention  is  not  returned. 


98  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

the  lady  who  has  sent  the  first  card  sends  no 
more,  naturally. 

"To  get  on  in  society"  involves  so  much  that 
cannot  be  written  down,  that  here  any  manual  of 
etiquette  is  necessarily  imperfect,  for  no  one  can 
predict  who  will  succeed  and  who  will  fail.  Bold, 
arrogant,  selfish  and  presumptuous  people  some- 
times succeed  and  sometimes  fail  ;  there  seems 
to  be  no  rule. 

But  it  is  quite  safe  to  say,  "  do  nothing  that  be- 
trays any  want  of  self-respect  ;  neither  push  nor 
recede."  Do  your  part  toward  the  social  pleas- 
ures of  your  set.  and  leave  the  rest  to  fate. 
Some  people  are  always  laughed  at ;  some  are 
wrongfully  put  down ;  some  are  most  mysteri- 
ously successful.  No  one  can  tell  why  ;  but  one 
thing  is  quite  certain,  no  one  loses  anything  by  a 
modest,  serene  courtesy,  a  civility  which  never 
flags,  a  willingness  to  put  the  very  best  interpreta- 
tion on  all  the  conduct  of  society. 

For  many  of  the  so-called  "slights  which 
patient  merit  of  the  unworthy  takes"  come 
from  our  overcrowded  social  life.  A  popular 
person,  a  social  leader,  soon  becomes  a  person  of 
many  engagements,  and  with  more  to  do  than 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  99 

she  can  do  properly.  Forgive  such  a  person  a 
long  time  for  any  seeming  incivility  ;  remember 
that  she  cannot  be  always  ready  to  return  your 
visit,  nor  is  she  always  able  to  remember  your 
face.  Therefore  be  not  afraid  if  you  are  a  new- 
comer to  impress  yourself  upon  such  a  desired  ac- 
quaintance by  acts  of  ci\ility,  and  by  the  most 
courteous  attentions.  They  will  not  be  mis- 
taken for  ''snobbery,"'  if  neither  of  you  are 
snobs. 

In  England,  where  people  are  never  introduced 
at  a  dinner,  everybody  speaks  to  his  next  neigh- 
bor, or  the  person  opposite,  without  introduc- 
tion, and  Avith  delightful  courtesy.  There  is  no 
restraint  as  in  America,  where  two  ladies  will 
meet  and  gaze  at  each  other  as  if  they  belonged 
to  hostile  tribes  of  Indians  and  are  seeking  each 
other's  scalps,  if  perchance  they  have  not  been 
introduced. 

Remember  tliat  the  house  wherein  you  are  is  a 
sufficient  introduction  ;  speak  to  each  other, 
make  it  agreeable  for  your  hostess,  even  if  on 
going  down  the  front  steps  you  should  never 
^^peak  again.  It  is  proper  etiquette  to  ex- 
change the  common-places  of  courtesy  without 


100  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

being  introduced  when  you  are  in  a  friend's 
house. 

A  truly  hospitable  hostess  does  introduce,  if 
she  sees  shyness  or  true  humility  on  the  faces  of 
her  young  guests.  It  is  not  etiquette  for  her  to 
introduce  two  New  York  ladies  to  each  other  if 
they  are  in  such  a  position  that  they  might  pos- 
sibly know  each  other  and  yet  do  not.  But  it  is 
proper  for  them  to  speak  to  each  otlier  in  her 
parlor. 

It  is  always  proper  for  a  young  lady  to  call  tirst 
on  an  older  one  ;  always  proper  for  everybody  to 
call  first  on  the  family  of  a  clergjTnan.  Age  and 
the  clergy  are  our  two  orders  of  nobility. 

It  is  always  proper  for  a  gentleman  to  take  off 
his  hat  when  he  meets  a  lady  on  a  hotel  stair,  at 
the  box  of  a  theatre  or  opera,  or  any  place  where 
they  are  brought  into  unexpected  meeting.  In 
France  all  men  uncover  before  a  funeral  cortege 
or  in  the  presence  of  death.  It  is  a  beautiful 
custom. 

In  driving,  a  gentleman  touches  his  hat  with 
his  whip.  He  could  not  well  take  off  his  hat 
while  driving,  although  some  very  respectful  men 
do.    But  the  etiquette  of  the  whip  is  sufficient. 


THE   AJVrERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  101 

There  are  many  excellent  persons  who  are  ex- 
clusive both  by  nature  and  by  their  prominent 
positions.  If  they  were  not,  should  we  value 
them  so  much  ?  No,  certainly  not.  We  like  a 
hostess  who  is  so  exclusive  that  she  shuts  out 
bores  and  adventurers,  rude  or  disagreeable 
people,  and  only  lets  in  the  well-bred,  the  quiet, 
the  deserving:. 

"  All  front  doors  should  have  a  coarse  sieve 
before  them,"  said  an  old  entertainer,  "  all 
society  is  not  good  society. "  So  there  is  much  to 
be  said  for  those  hcstesses  who  are  not  easy  of 
approach.  There  is  a  vast  difference  between 
the  pretensions  of  a  snob  and  the  exclusiveness 
of  a  Lady  Palmerston.  She  was  the  queen  of 
the  political  mJon  for  many  years,  yet  no  one  ever 
called  her  rude  or  too  accessible.  She  knew  ex- 
actly where  to  draw  the  line.  We  have  some 
such  model  hostesses  in  America.  They  are  very 
rare  anywhere,  but  they  preserve  society. 

Lady  Waldegrave  was  said  to  possess  In  perfec- 
tion Vart  de  tenir  mlwi.  She  was  never  afraid  to 
bow  first,  to  call  first,  to  speak  first.  She  knew 
the  value  of  courtesy.  Although  the  daughter  of 
Braham,  the  singer,  made  wealthy  and  ennobled 


l03  THE   AMERlflAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

by  her  marriages,  she  was  respected  and  admired 
by  the  whole  British  aristocracy,  where  there  is 
more  pride  of  birth  than  anywhere  else  in  the 
world,  because  she  respected  herself  and  had 
good  manners. 

A  gentleman  who  is  walking  with  a  lady  or 
driving  with  her  should  lift  his  hat  to  every  one 
to  whom  she  bows,  even  if  he  does  not  know  the 
person  to  whom  the  lady  bows.  It  is  a  respect  to 
her.  A  truly  polite  person  also  always  returns  a 
bow,  even  if  he  does  not  know  the  person  bow- 
ing.   It  may  be  a  mistake  in  identity,  etc. 

Greneral  Washington  was  once  reproved  for  his 
politeness  to  an  aged  negro,  who  had  bowed  very 
low. 

"  Do  you  suppose,"  said  the  great  man,  "  that 
I  wish  to  be  outdone  in  politeness  V 

Now  there  are  instances  when  a  lady  must  cut 
a  former  acquaintance.  Let  this  be  done  promptly 
and  peremptorily.  Look  the  offender  in  the  face 
and  recognize  her  fully,  but  do  not  bow.  This 
happens  when  we  lose  confidence  in  a  character, 
have  experienced  rudeness,  or  are  assured  that 
we  have  been  mistaken  in  the  respectability  of  a 
man  or  a  woman.    Let  no  half  courtesy  continue, 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  103 

but  break  at  once.  If  there  were  more  ot  this 
sincerity  society  would  be  much  more  agreeable. 
A  lady  of  high  position  has  to  do  this  thing 
sometimes  more  than  once.  She  cannot  and 
should  not  forgive  a  liar,  a  cheat  or  an  adven- 
turer. 

There  are  adventm-ers  of  both  sexes.  There  is 
no  punishment  greater  than  a  ''cut"  from  a 
prominent,  good  and  respected  woman. 

Cardinal  Antonelli  never  recovered  from  the 
.slight  which  the  Roman  princesses  put  upon  him. 
They  all  refused  to  bow  to  Mm,  in  spite  of  his 
exalted  power,  knowing  the  lowness  of  his  origin 
and  the  vileness  of  his  character.  There  are  im- 
pertinences which  must  be  put  down  at  once,  and 
no  hostess  should  suffer  anybody  to  be  imperti- 
nent in  her  house  if  she  can  help  it. 

There  are  women  in  society  called  "social 
marauders ' '  who  presume  upon  an  acknowledged 
eccentricity  to  insult  the  humble,  or  the  fearful,  or 
the  polite.  Such  a  woman  should  be  left  out. 
She  should  not  be  invited.  The  sieve  at  the  front 
door  should  exclude  her.  Every  social  leader 
owes  it  to  herself  to  frown  down  such  a  woman, 
and  to  exclude  from  her  parties  men  of  notori- 


104  THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

ousiy  bad  character,  even  though  thej^  may  have 
family  and  wealth  to  make  them  famous. 

In  the  case  of  distinguished  strangers  a  resi- 
dent of  a  town  should  call  fu'st. 

Nor  if  the  stranger  is  to  Ije  but  a  short  time 
in  town  should  one  expect  a  return.  A  card,  in 
an  envelope,  is  often  all  that  a  person  can  send  as 
the  acknowledgment  of  this  civility. 

To  invite  a  stranger  to  dinner  is  the  best  civil- 
ity ;  if  that  be  impossible,  try  to  offer  him  tickets 
for  a  box  at  the  opera,  or  a  good  play,  or  some- 
thing exclusive  which  he  could  n^t  reach  but  for 
you. 

After  a  death  iu  the  family  it  is  tiie  custom  for 
all  friends  to  call  ^\ithin  a  month,  or  to  send 
cards.  These  attentions  are  noticed  and  deeply 
felt. 

Also  in  cases  of  prolonged  sickness  :  send  often 
to  inquire  for  the  patient,  with  your  card,  on 
which  may  be  penciled  ''  Kind  inquiries."'  or  the 
word  "  Sympathy."  as  one  i^leases. 

If  a  gentleman  wishes  to  be  presented  lo  a  lady, 
she  should  say  "  Thank  you,"  and  show  pleasure 
as  he  advances.  She  need  not  know  him  again  if 
he  does  not  please  her,  but  she  ow^es   a   i»olite 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OK    MANNERS.  ]()5 

recognition  of  anybody  to  the  la4y  who  intro- 
duces. 

In  this  respect  our  American  women  are  very 
lacking  in  good  manners,  often  receiving  a  new 
acquaintance  with  a  brusque  discourtesy  or  an 
indifferent  coldness,  which  shows  themselves  to 
be  ill-bred.  The  true  lady  is  always  deferen- 
tial, polite,  and  easy  in  her  manners. 

The  manners  of  men  toward  women  partake  of 
the  freedom  of  the  age.  The  jeuuesse  claree  are 
not  shy  of  their  attractions  ;  they  believe,  evi- 
dently, tliat  they  are  attractiA^e.  Therefore,  they 
are  sometimes  wanting  in  politeness,  particularly 
at  crowded  balls,  to  ladies.  This  is  a  sin  of 
manner  rather  than  of  heart,  and  a  little  thought 
will  correct  it. 

In  advising  people  to  be  not  shy  of  making 
first  visits,  let  no  one  suppose  that  we  advo- 
cate ''  push."  There  are  perfect  instincts  in 
this  matter  which  should  always  tell  us 
where  we  sliould  not  go  first.  If  a  person  is 
so  much  richer,  more  distinguished,  and  more 
socially  prominent  than  ourselves  that  the  line  is 
very  distinctly  drawn,  of  course  we  should  not 
make  violent  efforts  to  achieve  that  accjnaintance. 


!()(-■)     THK  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS 

We  should  wait  until  some  mutual  friend  has 
paved  the  way  for  us,  and  we  should  be  as  firm 
in  our  self-respect  as  our  expected  acquaintance 
is  firm  in  her  social  position. 

In  this  countrj-  wealth  ha«.  although  it  gives 
prominence,  really  very  little  power  of  stamping 
out  the  claims  of  character,  old  family,  good 
breeding  and  culture :  a  ii/jimeau  riche  still  aims  to 
fill  her  rooms  with  those  who  bring  the  gifts 
which  no  money  can  buy.  **  An  old  aristocrat '' 
(although it  seems  a  misnomer) is  still  a  power  in 
the  newest  State  ;  a  woman  or  a  man  who  has 
education  and  good  manners  can  afford  to  laugh 
at  poverty,  and  can,  with  tact  and  courtesy, 
always  be  a  favorite  in  society.  Of  course  wealth 
is  necessary,  if  one  would  entertain  much,  in  a 
great  city.  But  even  in  the  commercial  metrop- 
olis wealth  has  not  stamped  out  those  higher  quali- 
ties which  should  ever  reign  in  our  society — tact, 
irood  breeding  and  courtesy. 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF  MANNERS.  107 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

CX)NDUCT    IN    A     CROWD. 

THE  American  woman  is  said  to  beliave 
badly  in  a  crowd.  She  is  nervous,  push- 
ing, selfish,  aggressive.  The  entrance  to  a 
matinee  at  the  Academy  of  Music,  when  the 
audience  is  almost  exclusively  feminine,  is  as 
dangerous  and  as  desperate  a  place  as  one  can 
find.  Women's  elbows  are  freely  planted  in 
a  neighbor's  side,  and  the  old  pun  of  infra  dig 
comes  to  mind.  Every  woman  seems  to  have 
forgotten  that  she  is  a  lady,  and  pushes  forward 
as  brutally  as  if  she  were  an  English  prize- 
fighter. A  child  is  often  in  great  danger  in  these 
crowds,  and  the  sight  is  often  seen  of  a  mother 
and  an  aunt  protecting  some  unhappy  little  thing 
whom  these  stampeding  crowds  would  tread  to 
death. 

Now,  this  is  not  because  women  are  cruel ;  it 
is  because  they  are  thoughtless.  Many  an  acci- 
dent has  occurred  at  these  matinees  from  over- 
crowding,  and  each  woman  who  went  to  make 


108  THE    AMERtCAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

up  the  crowd  probably  would  have  regretted 
deeply  did  she  know  that  it  was  her  arm  that 
wounded  the  delicate  chest  of  a  feeble  sister. 
But  each  woman  was  anxious  to  get  a  seat,  each 
woman  was  nervous,  each  woman  thought  her- 
self as  good  as  any  other  woman,  and  each 
woman  felt  angry  at  being  "crowded,"  so  that  a 
mass  of  agitation  was  the  net  result. 

Now,  to  behave  well  in  a  crowd  calls  for  a  vast 
deal  of  presence  of  mind.  A  smiling  face,  a 
pleasant  voice,  an  apology  to  the  woman  whom 
you  are  unintentionally  pushing  ;  these  things  go 
a  long  way  toward  saving  you  and  her.  Of 
course  a  crowd  is  a  heedless  and  a  dreadfully 
dangerous  thing,  and  prudent  women  keep  out 
of  it  ;  but.  if  once  in,  nothing  but  good  temper 
is  of  any  avail. 

But  there  are  crowds  in  other  x>laces  than  at 
the  door  of  a  theatre  ;  there  are  crowds  in  ball- 
rooms, at  public  receptions,  and  at  the  House  of 
Representatives.  There  are  crowds  on  the  Fifth 
avenue,  in  the  cars  of  the  elevated  railway  and 
at  the  fashionable  fairs,  in  a  church  at  a  wedding, 
and  at  private  theatricals.  Foreigners  think  that 
our  American  women  are  too  much  vn  evidence. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNEKS.  109 

and  that  they  are  too  bold  in  their  manner.s 
Xow,  there  is  no  doubt  but  that  the  rerj^  inno- 
cence and  frankness  of  young  girls  are  some- 
times mistaken  for  boldness,  particularly  by  men 
who  are  prone  to  see  evil  in  everything.  An  ab- 
sence of  self-consciousness  is  a  charming  thing, 
but  in  a  crowd  a  young  lady  must  remember  that 
she  is  in  the  midst  of  a  very  severe  and  scathing 
criticism,  and  that  she  must  think  how  she  is  look- 
ing and  how  she  appears.  She  must  not  laugh 
loud  or  fast,  or  show  coquetry  or  boldness. 

At  a  fancy  fair  she  must  not  walk  about  impor- 
tuning men  to  buy  things  or  to  take  chances  in  a 
raffle.  It  really  behooves  our  young  ladies  to 
watch  their  looks  and  speech  at  these  places. 
They  can  make  as  much  money  for  the  charity  if 
they  are  reserved,  courteous  and  plainly  dressed, 
as  if  they  were  flaunting,  bold  and  coquettish. 
Many  women  find  these  great  crowds  a  fitting 
outlet  for  unoccupied  energies,  and  for  love  of  a 
little  healthy  excitement — and  not  being  able  to 
give  money — they  give  what  is  far  better,  their 
time  and  talents,  to  a  fancy  fair  ;  but  they  are  un- 
der severe  criticism  while  serving  at  the  altar  of 
charity,  and  should  remember  to  propitiate  by 


110  THE    AMERICAX    CODE    OF    MANNEKS. 

every  decent  reserve  that  unmannerly  critic,  tiie 
public. 

It  is  astonishing  that  women,  who  have  had 
offered  to  them  the  real  crowns  of  culture  and 
conduct,  should  ever  accept  these  false,  ipaitation, 
flashy  jewels,  called  notoriety  and  conspicuous- 
ness ;  and  yet.  with  all  good  opportunities  of 
gaining  the  former,  too  many  young  women  ac- 
cept the  latter. 

-  Eccentricity  may  be  i)ardoned  at  home,  but  it 
i.s  never  forgiven  when  seen  in  crowds. 

Lady  Bulwer,  whose  famous  divorce  suit  from 
the  great  novelist  has  been  so  well  described,  for- 
got her  dignity  in  crowds,  and  .showed  temper 
at  a  Queen's  drawing  room.  At  home  no 
one  could  be  more  like  an  ''untrained  colt." 
She  would  sop  up  spilt  ink  with  a  beauti- 
ful twenty-guinea  pocket-handkerchief,  snap  a 
gold  chain  into  bits,  upset  fine  china  "  in  the 
torrent  and  tempest  and  whirlwind  of  her  pas- 
sion." She  presumed  upon  her  rights  as  a  belle, 
a  beauty  and  a  wit ;  but.  although  her  figure  was 
superb,  her  great  dark  eyes  as  soft  as  velvet,  and 
her  features  perfectly  regular,  society  never  for- 
gave her.  and  her  husband  very  properly  divorced 


THE    AMERICAN    U01)E    OF    MANNERS.  Ill 

her.  She  was  always  respected  for  her  talents 
and  her  blameless  private  life,  but  she  had  no 
place  in  *•  the  crowd." 

Women  should  not  quarrel  with  each  other  in 
public.  Everj^body  respects  a  woman  who  can 
.smilingly  keep  her  temper.  It  is  doubtful  if 
fashion  is  a  very  good  adjunct  to  friendship,  and 
female  friendships  are  often  but  the  result  of 
propinquity,  and  not  very  deep.  Rivalries  arise, 
and  coldness  and  quarrels  are  sometimes  inevit- 
able. As  much  as  we  may  labor  to  "keep  our 
friendships  in  repair,"  we  may  not  always  suc- 
ceed, but  the  break  should  not  be  made  public. 

It  costs  very  little  effort  to  be  polite  and  re- 
served in  a  crowd,  or  perhaps  we  should  say  ''in 
public  ;"  any  display  of  temper  is  very  improper, 
and  totally  subversive  of  etiquette.  .  Women  are 
apt  to  be  very  chivalrous  in  friendship,  and  to 
stand  up  bravely  for  an  absent  friend  when  at- 
tacked ;  this  is  so  fine  a  trait  that  we  cannot 
much  blame  it ;  but  still,  if  it  leads  to  quarrel- 
ing, or  to  loud  talking,  even  that  should  be 
avoided. 

Women  should  not  talk  too  much  in  a  crowd, 
even  if  they  talk  well.     Some  one  behind  them  is 


112  THE   AMERICAN  CODE   OP    MA>"NERS. 

sure  to  think  that  they  are  talking  for  effect. 
There  are  many  women  who  have  high  spirits  and 
a  perfect  gift  as  to  a  compliment  or  a  greeting, 
who  have  a  combination  of  splendid  talents,  yet 
who  are  always  exciting  enmity  and  jealousy 
because  they  seem  to  the  cankered  and  en^'lous 
tf»  be  trjang  to  take  up  too  much  of  the  public 
attention.  There  are  women  who  can  talk  to 
four  men  at  once,  and  yet  make  every  man  think 
himself  the  favored  one  :  women  who  have  a 
talent  at  an  epigram  or  a  story,  who  have  wit, 
and  whose  knowledge  lies  where  they  can  easily 
lind  it.  Such  women  are  greatly  sought  for  in 
society — they  are  its  ornaments  •  but,  if  such 
women  are  not  on  guard,  if  they  laugh  and  talk 
in  a  crowd,  at  tlie  oix;ra.  they  are  smv  to  be 
.severely  criticised. 

is  always  in  the  power  of  a  small  and  devoted 
band  to  stand  back  to  back.  and.  with  spears 
pointed  outward,  to  defend  a  small  and  exclusive 
territory.  Such  may  be  the  fortress  of  Fashion, 
TO  those  who  wish  to  enter  that  self -constituted 
fort.  There  may  be  danger  of  wounds.  There 
is  very  little  gained,  perhaps,  by  getting  into 
that  strictly-defended  territory,  but  one  likes  to 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF   MANNERS.  113 

conquer  difficulties ;  so,  if  one  storms  the  fort, 
one  must  expect  to  encounter  the  bayonets  of 
the  defenders.  Thej'  are  "the  crowd,"  and 
to  propitiate  that  body,  or  to  conquer  it,  a 
young  aspirant  for  fashion  must  buckle  on  her 
armor. 

There  is,  no  doubt,  a  great  growth  of  antip- 
athies and  hatred  engendered  by  the  pm-suit  of 
pleasure  in  tlie  hot-house  air  of  our  best  society. 
We  are  not  angels  at  the  best,  and  it  is  doubtful 
if  a  gay  and  idle  pursuit  of  fashion  and  pleasure 
improves  us.  Still,  the  natural  desire  for  social 
distinction  is  a  very  honest  one — we  all  want  om- 
rank ;  but  the  cultivation  of  the  graces  which 
lead  to  social  success  seems  to  be  accompanied 
by  many  false  growths,  and  by  those  fungi  which 
spring  up  in  every  rich  soil.  Therefore,  as  every 
pleasure  is  accompanied  by  a  danger,  the  young 
aspirant  for  fashionable  distinction  should  learn 
that  a  certain  quiet,  elegant  reserve  of  manner  is 
a  perfect  safety  gauze  mask,  as  much  needed, 
morally,  in  the  perilous  air  of  the  salo/t  a.s  the 
same  protection  is  needed  physically  in  the 
dangerous  gas  of  a  mine.  We  must  learn  to  dis- 
arm   criticism,   and  to  look  upon   society  as  a 


114  THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

tournament,  a  field  of  the  cloth  of  gold,  where  all 
the  knights  are  allowed  to  enter  with  visor  up 
and  armor  closed,  to  joust,  to  tUt  as  they  please, 
but  not  to  disclose  their  innermost  personalities. 
Good  breeding  gives  us  certain  definite  rules,  and 
while  these  are  observed,  society  is  possible  :  else 
it  disintegrates.  But  we  may,  without  losing 
self-respect,  exercise  a  vast  self-control,  and  not 
show  that  we  distrust  people,  nor  that  we  vastly 
like  them ;  we  need  not  wear  our  hearts  on  our 
sleeves  for  daws  to  peck  at. 

Members  of  the  same  family  stiould  never 
quarrel  in  public.  This  is  often  done  by  two 
sisters  of  uncertain  tempers,  and  the  crowd 
laughs.  The  French  have  a  proverb  about  this, 
perhaps  too  well  known  to  be  quoted. 

Never  show  that  you  feel  a  slight.  This  is 
worldly  wise  as  well  as  Christian,  for  no  one  but 
a  mean  person  will  put  a  slight  on  another,  and 
such  a  person  always  profoundly  respects  the  per  - 
son  who  is  unconscious  of  his  feeble  spite. 
Never  resent  publicly  a  lack  of  courtesy  '■  it  is  in 
the  worst  taste.  What  you  do  privately  about 
dropping  such  an  acquaintance  must  be  left  to 
yourself. 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  115 

To  a  person  of  noble  mind  the  contests  of  so- 
ciety mxist  ever  seem  poor  and  furious  as  they 
think  of  these  narrow  enmities  and  low  political 
manoRu\Tes,  but  we  know  that  they  exist  and 
that  we  must  meet  them.  Temper,  detraction 
and  small  spite  are  as  vulgar  on  a  Turkey  carpet 
and  in  a  palace  as  they  could  be  in  a  tenement 
house  ;  nay,  worse,  for  the  educated  contestants 
know  better.  But  that  they  exist  we  know  as 
well  as  we  know  that  the  diphtheria  rages.  We 
must  only  reflect  philosophically  that  it  takes  all 
sorts  of  people  to  make  a  world  ;  that  there  are 
good  people,  rank  and  file ;  that  there  is  a  valiant 
army  and  a  noble  navj' :  that  there  are  also 
pirates  who  will  board  the  best  of  ships,  and 
traitors  in  every  army,  and  that  we  must  be  ready 
for  them  all ;  that  if  we  live  in  a  crowd  we  must 
propitiate  that  crowd. 

Never  show  a  fractious  or  peremptory  irri- 
tability in  small  things.  Be  patient  if  a  friend 
keeps  you  waiting.  Bear,  as  long  as  you  can, 
heat,  or  a  draught,  rather  than  to  make  others 
uncomfortable.  Do  not  be  fussy  about  your 
supposed  rights  ;  yield  a  disputed  point  of  pre- 
cedence.    All  society  has  to  be  made  up  of  these 


116  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MATTKERS. 

concessions ;  thej-  make  }'ou  nnmimbered  friendft 
in  the  long  run. 

We  are  not  always  wrong  when  we  quarrel ; 
but  if  we  meet  our  deadliest  foe  at  a  friend's 
house  we  are  bound  to  treat  him  with  perfect 
civility.  That  is  neutral  ground.  Never,  by 
word  or  look,  disturb  your  hostess ;  this  is  an 
occasional  duplicity  which  is  ordered  by  the 
laws  of  society.  And,  in  all  honesty,  cultivate 
a  graceful  salutation,  not  too  familiar,  in  a  crowd. 
Do  not  kiss  your  friend  in  a  crowd :  be  grave 
and  decorous  always.  Burke  said  that  manners 
were  more  important  than  laws.  "  Manners  are 
what  vex  or  soothe,  comfort  or  purify,  exalt  (tr 
debase,  barbarize  or  refine  us  by  a  constant, 
steady,  uniform,  insensible  operator),  like  the 
air  we  breathe.'* 

A  salutation  may  have  a  great  deal  of  ineaning 
in  it.  It  may  say,  "I  respect  you,  and  I  wi.sh 
you  well."  It  may  say.  'I  love  you."  It  may 
.say,  '"I  hate  you.-'  In  a  crowd,  it  should  sim- 
ply say  the  first.  The  bow  of  a  young  lady 
should  be  maidenly,  quiet,  not  too  demonstra- 
tive ;  yet  not  cold  or  forbidding. 

The  salutation  of  a  man  to  a  woman  cannot  be 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MA>!>ERS.  117 

too  respectful.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  "  old-fash- 
ioned courtesy  ■'  has  no  place  in  our  fashionable 
society.  There  is  either  coldness  or  too  great 
familiarity.  The  manners  of  young  women  are 
apt  to  be  too  careless.  They  emulate  the  manners 
of  men  and  of  the  age  too  much,  not  remember- 
ing they  should  carry  in  their  gentle  ways  the 
good  manners  of  all  ages.  A  young  woman 
Should  remember  that  when  a  woman's  saluta- 
tion ceases  to  be  delicate,  elegant  and  finished, 
that  she  steps  down  fron:i  her  throne  and  throws 
away  her  sceptre. 

There  is  no  salutation,  however,  more  displeas- 
ing than  that  of  a  too  efflorescent  and  flattering 
subserviency.  •'  He  bows  too  low  "  should  never 
be  said.  Avoid  being  a  snob,  in  private,  as  in  a 
crowd. 

People  of  the  highest  fascination  communicate 
a  flattering  salutation  with  their  eyes.  Such 
people  need  no  words,  they  talk  without  know- 
ing it. 

A  woman  who  fills  a  high  place  iu  society  must 
be  unselfish,  considerate,  full  of  memory,  com- 
plaisant, amiable  and  honorable.  She  must  do  a 
thousand  gracious  things  for  which  .she  will  never 


118  THE    AMERICAJS    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

be  thanked.  She  must  stand  at  her  post  when 
dying  of  fatigue  ;  she  must  talk  to  bores.  The 
post  of  honor  is  the  post  of  danger.  She  must 
submit  to  criticism.  She  must  be  attacked, 
suspected,  called  selfish,  proud,  conceited,  false 
perhaps,  although  her  constancy  may  be  perfect, 
but  she  must  not  let  the  crowd  know  that  she 
notices  these  adverse  criticisms.  They  are  the 
penalty  of  greatness. 

Never  advertise  yom-  own  failures.  Never  com- 
plain that  you  are  not  invited  ;  that  you  have 
been  badly  treated  ;  that  you  have  made  a  mis- 
take ;  that  you  regret  your  own  want  of  success. 
The  crowd  does  not  care.  It  is  very  apt  to  be- 
lieve that  you  are  successful  if  you  say  nothing 
to  the  contrary  ;  it  receives  you  at  your  own 
rating,  and,  unless  you  are  abominably  selfish, 
egregiously  vain  and  pretentious,  or  dismally 
sulky,  will  almost  always  rat«  you  as  a  good- 
enough  person,  sufficiently  fashionable  and  well- 
bred. 

These  ?re  very  superficial  and  external  hints  as 
to  the  ethics  of  etiquette.  We  might  go  much 
deeper,  and  argue  from  ;i  higher,  better  stand- 
point, but  that  is  not  necessary  Here. 


THE   AMERICAii    CODR    OF   MANNERS.  119 


CHAPTER  IX. 

THB  ETIQUETTE   OF  WEBDING8,  OF    CALLS  OF   OON- 
(JK.VTI'T.ATTOX    AND   OF    SYMPATHY. 

THE  lady,  of  course,  Axes  the  day  for  the 
wedding  to  suit  herself.  Much  nonsense 
has  been  written  about  those  papers  "which 
are  expected  to  gazette  engagements  or  wedding 
days."  No  paper  is  expected  to  '*  gazette  "  any- 
thing among  well-bred^  people.  The  first  inti- 
mation that  the  public  receives  of  either  fact 
should  come  from  the  parents  of  the  bride,  who 
mention  the  fact  of  the  engagement  to  their 
intimate  friends,  and  when  the  young  couple 
are  ready  to  marry,  the  father  and  mother,  or 
guardians  of  the  young  lady,  issue  cards  naming 
the  day  and  hour  of  the  wedding. 

It  would  be  easy  to  write  a  volume,  and  it  would 
be  a  most  useful  volume  if  it  brought  conviction 
to  the  hearts  of  the  offenders,  on  the  wrong  done 
to  young  ladies  by  the  newspapers,  who  assume, 
without  authority,  to  publish  the  news  of  an  en- 
gagement.     Many  a  match  has  been  broken   off 


190  THE   AMERIOAlf  OOI»B  OF   MANXBRS. 

by  such  a  premature  surmise  on  the  part  of  a  not 
too  well-informed  reporter,  and  the  happiness  of 
one  or  more  persons  injured  for  life.  For  an  en- 
gagement is  a  very  delicate  thing.  Two  people 
like  to  approach  this  event  of  their  lives  in.  great 
mutual  confidence  and  secrecy.  They  do  not 
wish  to  throw  open  those  inner  rooms  of  the  heart 
for  reporters  to  chronicle  every  detail  of  their 
furnishing.  Consequently,  all  newspapers  should 
be  careful  not  to  announce  an  engagement  unless 
requested  to,  or  unless  they  are  particularly  well 
informed  as  to  the  truth  of  it.  Society,  too. 
is  very  much  to  blame'  for  its  readiness  to  de- 
clare an  engagement  "off"  without  sufficient 
reason,  and  to  circulate  rumors  prejudicial  to 
the  gentleman  if  an  engagement  is  broken.  This 
is  often  done,  and  it  makes  much  unnecesssary 
ill-feeling. 

A  gentleman  prasents  a  lady  with  a  ring  after 
she  has  accepted  him — a  diamond  generally — **  a 
very  large  diamond,  imported  by  Tiffany,"  as 
the  author  of  '*Miss  Flora  McFlimsy"  puts  it. 
According  to  the  wealth  of  the  high-contracting 
parties  is  the  diamond  large  or  small,  and  ao  of 
the  trousseau  of  the  bride. 


THE    AAfKRICAN    OOBE    OF    MANNERS.  121 

Unfortunately,  in  our  ''  age  of  gold,"  money 
has  become  very  much  the  important  factor  in 
modern  matrimonial  engagements.  Plutu."?  has 
Icmg  been  a  rival  of  Cupid,  and  some  people  say 
that  the  former  has  floored  the  latter.  Let  us 
hope,  however,  that  young  people  still  love  each 
other  :  that  the  good  old  fashion  of  marrying  for 
love  is  not  entirely  extinct. 

The  custom  of  sciving  bridal  gifts  has,  however, 
l>eco]ne  now  an  outrageous  abuse  of  a  good  thing. 
From  being  a  very  pretty  custom,  one  which  had 
at  its  base  the  good  old  reality  of  helping  the 
young  couple  to  bea:in  housekeeping  (which  is 
still  observed  in  Holland  by  presents  of  the  bed 
and  table  linen  and  the  necessary  knives  and 
forks  and  chairs),  it  has  become  but  another  form 
of  ostentation,  and  a  very  great  tax  upon  the 
fiiends  of  the  bride.  People  are  expected  to  send 
certain  handsome  gifts.  Rich  old  relatives  are 
mulcted,  and  the  bride's  mother  has  been  known 
To  \\Tite  notes  to  the  effect  that  "  Nellie  would 
prefer  pearls.*' or  that  "Jane  hopes  everything 
will  be  silver. ■'etc. 

Even  if  the  family  of  the  fair  bride  have  too 
much  delicacy  to  do  this,  a  New  York  bride  her- 


122  THE    A\rERI(  AX    C01>K    OK    MANNERS. 

self  had  lately  no  such  delicacy,  but  requested 
her  friends  to  send  her  checks  instead  of  presents, 
and*  she  afterwards  boasted  that  she  had  "  got 
five  thoiisand  dollars  out  of  one  rich  old  man  !" 
Then  the  rivalry  between  two  rich  families,  or 
a  rich  and  a  poor  family,  begins.  The  Joneses 
say  that  they  inust  not  be  outdone  by  the  Wil- 
liamses.  So.  if  the  Willlamses  send  a  silver  din- 
ner-set the  Joneses  must  send  one  also.  Such  are 
the  vulgar  abuses  of  a  good  custom. 

The  upshot  of  all  this  is  that  the  young  couple, 
perhaps  ha%ang  but  a  small  income,  are  loaded 
down  with  silverware  which  they  cannot  use.  and 
which  becomes  a  bill  of  expen.se  to  them  for 
years,  for  it  must  be  stored,  and  the  interest  of 
the  money,  the  insurance  and  storage,  soon  eat 
up  the  vah^e  of  tlie  silver. 

There  is  positively  no  advantage  in  all  this, 
except  to  Tiffany,  who  daily  sends  out  magnifi- 
cent silver,  for  which  he  is  paid  an  enormous 
price,  to  receive  it  back  the  same  evening,  and 
to  keep  it  at  the  owner's  expense  for  twelve 
years,  perhaps  forever.  It  has  had  one  or 
two  other  uses.  It  has  served  to  gratify  some- 
body's love    of    display,   or    somebody's    purse 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  123 

pride,  and  the  bride  has  glanced  at  it  once. 
There  are  fourteen  or  fifteen  young  married 
women  of  twelve  years'  standing  in  New  York 
who  say  that  they  never  saw  their  own  silver 
except  on  the  wedding  day.  The  danger  of 
losing  it  is  so  great,  that  with  dishonest  servants 
and  burglars  about  they  dare  not  keep  it  at  home, 
and  they  cannot  afford  to  give  the  large  dinners 
which  require  it. 

Yet  it  is  etiqvetie  to  send  the  bride  a  present 
after  the  mother  has  announced  that  '•  Nellie  will 
be  married  in  March.''  and  every  one  feels,  not 
only  a  love  for  Nellie,  but  a  sense  of  the  duty  of 
the  thing.  It  is  no  longer  a  mere  pleasure,  it  is 
obligatory. 

If.  like  the  announcement  in  the  death  column. 
"It  is  requested  that  no  flowers  be  sent."  which 
has  just  stopped  off  a  painful  and  unnecessary 
extravagance,  the  bridal  cards  could  bear  this 
inscription,  ''It  is  requested  that  no  presents  be 
sent/"  it  would  soon  remedy  this  evil,  and  it  is 
an  evil  deeply  felt  by  those  who  cannot  afford  to 
be  lavish  ;  and  it  is  overdone  by  the  v&ry  rich, 
who  are  simply  gratifying  their  own  vanity. 
No  one  need  be  afraid  to  help  the  young  couple 


124  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

in  an  unostentatious  way  ;  but  the  publicity  of 
the  thing,  the  notorietj'  and  the  extravagance, 
might  be  properly  checked. 

A  very  rich  girl  frequently  gives  the  brides- 
maids their  dresses.  If  she  is  not  able  to  do  this, 
she  suggests  what  they  shall  wear.  The  groom 
gives  the  bridesmaids  lockets  or  rings  with  mono- 
gram or  motto,  if  he  is  able  so  to  do.  and  presents 
each  of  his  ushers  with  a  scarf-pin  or  studs— 
.something  by  which  tln^v  shall  rv-'memberthe  day. 

The  fashion  of  groomsmen  has  passed  away. 
Now  the  happy  man  stands  at  the  altar  awaiting 
his  bride  with  his  •'  best  man"'  at  his  side.  Six 
ushers,  dressed  in  frock  coats,  gray  pantaloons 
and  dark  scarfs,  bring  the  ladies  to  their  seats  in 
church,  ^nd  then  form  a  procession  at  the  door  of 
the  church  to  lead  up  tlif  bridal  party.  These  are 
followed  by  the  bridesmaids,  who  walk  two  and 
two,  bearing  flowers,  and  now.  generally,  wear 
little  bonnets.  Then  comes  the  bride,  leaning  on 
the  arm  of  her  father  or  brother,  or  on  the  arm 
of  the  friend  who  is  to  give  her  away.  No  one 
should  wear  a  veil  but  the  bride  herself.  The 
canonical  bridal  dress  is  of  white  satin  or  bro- 
cade, long  train,  bridal  veil  of  tulle  or  real  lace. 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  125 

and  orange-blossoms,  which  none  but  a  bride  can 
wear. 

But  this  is  varied  now  and  then.  Brides  are 
sometimes  married  in  a  traveling  dress  and 
bonnet.  Young  widows  who  marry  a  second 
t  ime  must  not  wear  white  nor  veils  ;  and  young 
ladies  who  marry  widowers  often  dress  in  col- 
ored silks,  and  with  a  bonnet,  or  not,  as  they 
please. 

The  fact,  however,  that  at  a  day  wedding  the 
i)rid-e  is  properly  in  low  evening  dress,  and  in  all 
rhe  paraphernalia  of  full  dress,  while  her  husband 
;.s  decidedly  in  morning  costume,  is  one  of  those 
I^nglish  anachronisms  for  which  the  French  lauerh 
ill  the  Anglo-Saxons. 
However,  it  is  etiquette  and  must  be  done. 
The  cards  are  generally  in  this  form- 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter, 
Antoinette 
to 
Mr.  Lewis  Mortimer, 
On  Wednesday,  March  20th,  at  3  o'clock, 
at 
Grace  Church. 


126  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNEKS. 

Another  card  bears  the  following  inscription — 

Reception. 

174  E.  Kent  street. 

at  half-past  three  o'clock. 

The  cards  admitting  people  to  the  church  are 
almost  needless,  for  everybody  goes  to  a  church 
imtil  it  is  full,  and  then  nobody  can  get  in  if  they 
possess  a  card. 

After  these  cards  are  out.  thejia7icee,  or  com- 
ing bride,  must  not  appear  in  public.  This  is 
an  absurd  regulation,  but  one  on  which  so- 
ciety is  entirely  decided,  and  wery  stringent. 
In  asking  a  young  lady  to  be  her  brides- 
inaid.  the  bride  is  generally  actuated  by 
feelings  of  i-elationship  or  friendship,  although 
fashion  and  wealth  often  influence  these 
invitations.  Each  bridesmaid  is  expected  to 
sive  a  handsome  present.  The  groom  asks 
men  of  his  own  age,  and  of  his  intimate  ac- 
quaintance. They  must  be  unmarried  men,  of 
(^ourse.  and  an-ange  all  matters  at  the  church. 
Music  should  play  softly  through  the  preparatory 
reremony  of  the  entrance  of  the  family.  The 
mother  of  the  bride,  her  brothers  and   sisters. 


THS  AMBRICAN  CODE  OF   MAT«IBRS.  137 

shonld  precede  her  to  the  church  and  be  seated  in 
pews  before  she  enters,  unless  the  mother  is  a 
widow  and  gives  away  the  bride  herself— a  verj' 
touching  and  beautiful  ceremony.  As  the  bride 
walks  up  the  aisle  the  organ  should  play  a  wed- 
ding march. 

After  the  ceremony,  which  should  be  conducted 
with  great  dignity  and  composure  on  all  hands, 
for  exhibitions  of  feeling,  in  public,  are  in  the 
worst  possible  taste,  the  oificiating  clergyman 
shakes  hands  with  the  young  couple,  and  con- 
gratulates them.  The  bride  takes  her  husband's 
right  arm,  and  they  walk  down  the  broad  aisle, 
without  recognizing  acquaintances  in  the  church. 
to  their  carriage  at  the  door  (here  a  maid  should 
be  in  waiting  with  a  cloak  to  wrap  the  bride  from 
draughts  and  from  intrusive  starers);  they  then 
drive  home  alone,  or  to  the  house  where  the  re- 
ception is  to  be  held. 

The  bride  and  groom  stand  together  under  a 
floral  design  (a  bell,  generally),  and  with  the 
bridesmaids  at  the  right  of  the  bride. 

The  ushers  take  up  the  people  to  be  presented, 
and  introduce  each  by  name. 

The  bride's  mother  yields  her  place  as  hostess 


]28  THB  AMEBIC A.K  CODB  OF  MANNERS. 

for  the  nonce,  and  is  either  not  especially  in  any 
one  spot  receiving,  or,  if  she  is,  is  always  ad- 
dressed after  the  bride. 

The  rest  of  the  family  make  themselves  gen- 
erally agreeable  to  the  guests  at  the  reception,  but 
every  honor  is  conceded  to  the  bride. 

Two  hours  is  the  longest  time  which  etiquette 
requires  of  the  newly-married  pair  in  their  busi- 
ness of  receiving. 

The  bride  retires,  changes  her  white  dress  for  a 
traveling  suit,  generally  of  gray  cloth  or  of  some 
quiet-colored  silk,  but  never  black,  and  in  her 
bonnet  or  hat  comes  down  with  her  mother  and 
sisters  and  friends,  and  meets  the  groom,  who 
has  also  changed  his  dress  for  a  traveling  suit, 
when  occurs  a  scene  of  mingled  tears  and  smiles. 
The  horses  and  driver  and  groom  of  the  carriage 
which  is  to  bear  off  the  happy  pair  for  the  honey- 
moon are  all  dressed  with  white  favors  and  flow- 
ers, and  as  they  drive  off  rice  is  thrown  after 
them,  and  a  shower  of  old  slippers.  Happy  will 
they  be  forever  after  if  one  slipper  alights  on  the 
carriage.     So  says  the  old  Welsh  tradition. 

The  most  approved  fashion  now  decides  that 
the  happy  pair  go  to  some    friend's  house,  at 


THE   AMERICA^N   CODE  OF   MAISTNERS.  129 

V^hich  they  spend  the  honeymoon.  Some  gene- 
rous person  who  can  retire  and  leave  house  and 
servants  to  them  is  a  great  boon  to  a  newly- 
married  pair.  However,  in  this  land  of  comforta- 
ble hotels,  an  agreeable  and  quiet  apartment  in 
any  of  our  great  cities  can  easily  be  procured. 

After  returning  to  the  city,  the  bride  generally 
advises  her  friends  by  cards  of  her  being  ready 
to  receive  them  on  certain  days.  If  not,  the 
friends  should  call  within  a  month  after  her  re- 
turn, to  leave  their  cards  of  congratulation. 

Dinners  and  lunches  and  parties  in  honor  of 
the  young  pair  should  follow  in  quick  succession. 

If  a  wedding  occurs  in  the  evening,  the  groom 
should  appear  in  evening  dress,  of  course,  as 
all  gentlemen  must  do  after  nightfall.  A  white 
cravat  with  a  frock  coat  is  a  dreadful  solecism, 
only  permitted  to  the  clergy.  It  is  now  worn, 
however,  in  summer,  for  cleanliness,  sometimes, 
but  should  then  be  made  of  duck,  or  Marseilles — 
not  of  cambric. 

A  widow,  on  marrying  again,  should  not  use 
her  late  husband's  name  or  initials,  but  in  this 
wise :  If  she  was  Angela  Jones,  and  had  married 
Mr.   Brown,   and,  being  his  widow,    wishes    to 


130  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

marry    Mr.    Thompson,    her  card    should   read 

thus— 

Mr.  and  Mrs.   Jones 

request  the  pleasure  of  your    company  at  the 

marriage  of  their  daughter. 

Angela  Jones  Brown. 

to 

William  Thompson,  Esq., 

On   Thursday,   March    10th, 

etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

Or,  better  still,  she  requests  a  friend  to  give  her 
a  reception,  and  the  friend's  name  appears  on  an 

"  At  Home,"" 

with  the  cards  of  the  widow  and  of  the  gentleman 
whom  she  intends  to  marry  simply  included  in 
the  envelope. 

Calls  of  sympathy  should  be  made  in  person  a 
week  after  the  death  of  a  member  of  a  family 
whom  you  wish  to  treat  with  exceeding  respect  and 
kindness.  Of  course  you  do  not  ask  to  see  the 
afflicted  widow  or  daughters,  but  you  personally 
inquire  for  them.  You  can  leave  a  plain  card 
with  your  name,  or  pencil  a  few  words  upon  it. 
It  is  always  well,  also,  to  write  a  note  expressive 
of  your  sympathy. 


T£tE  AMBRiCAK   GODB  OF  MAiTNERS.  131 

If  neither  can  be  done,  send  a  card  by  a  ser- 
vant ;  but  a  personal  visit  is  always  appre- 
ciated. We  are  not  careful  enough  in  this 
country  of  these  points  of  etiquette.  We 
should  call  to  inquire  for  the  sick,  to  send 
messages  of  kind  inquiry,  to  show  our  pleasure 
in  our  friends'  good  fortune  and  to  sympathize 
with  them  in  trouble. 


132  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANSERS. 

CHAPTER  X. 

AMERICAN  MISTAKES. 

AMERICAN  women  feel  very  angry  at  A:i- 
thony  Trollope  and  at  Miss  de  la  Ramc.- 
(''Ouida"),  and  at  other  writers,  for  their 
sketches  of  the  American  girl  in  Europe. 

And,  indeed,  these  pictures  seem  to  us,  who  see- 
the best  American  gii'ls  and  see  them  at  homt , 
to  be  very  coarse  daubs  of  a  very  beautiful 
original.  We  have  no  sympathy  with  Sardou"< 
**  Uncle  Sam,"  which  is  a  sketch  of  American 
life  utterly  repellent  to  our  civilized  idea  of  the 
proprieties. 

And  yet  traveling  in  Europe  we  do  see  here 
and  there  some  eccentric  and  careless  persons 
who  violate  etiquette  at  every  turn  :  who  are  rich, 
uneducated,  vulgar  and  loud,  and  we  regret  U> 
learn  that  they  are  Americans. 

People  in  Europe  take  of  course  the  very  promi- 
nently eccentric  as  types  of  our  nation.  If  people 
behave  properly,  they  are  supposed  to  be — not 
Americans,  but  English  ;  in   fact,  the  well-bred 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     133 

create   no  ripple  on  the  surface  ;  they  are  only 
let  alone. 

The  peculiarity  of  our  pohtical  system  has 
much  to  do  with  this,  as  a  Senator  may  be  the 
most  ill-bred  of  men  ;  a  foreign  Minister  and  his? 
family  may  be,  and  often  are,  totally  unacquainted 
with  etiquette.  Now,  the  young  and  beautiful 
American  girl  is  also  in  a  very  anomalous  posi- 
tion, looking  from  European  eyes. 

She  has  never  been  graded,  as  in  England,  by 
an  iron  rule.  She  has  possibly  never  even  heard 
of  that  pride  of  birth  which  keeps  the  remotest 
granddaughters  of  certain  houses  in  order,  even 
if  they  have  a  roaming  and  piratical  turn.  She 
knows  nothing  of  that  "mysterious  something'" 
called  conventionality.  She  only  knows  that  she 
has  owned  her  bit  of  sea  and  sky,  of  hillside  or 
upland  lawn,  her  prospect  and  her  retrospect  ever 
since  she  was  born.  There  has  been  nothing  be- 
tween her  and  the  thing  she  wanted  since  she 
learned  to  walk.  To  steadily  approach  the  tree 
and  to  gather  the  peach  has  been  her  manifest 
destiny. 

If  she  has  been  bred  in  the  country  and  has 
come  to  New  York  or  Boston  to  do  her  shopping. 


134  THE   A.MBBICAN    CODE   OF    MANNERS. 


she  has  gone  to  the  best  shops  and  has  bought  the 
latest  fashion  :  so  when  she  goes  to  Europe  she 
intends  to  take  the  best  she  can  get — kings  and 
queens,  and  dukes  and  princes,  being  the  best, 
she  steps  up  and  takes  them  1  So  with  art  and 
science,  and  the  joys  of  traveling.  She  is  Sir 
Francis  Drake,  Paul  Jones.  Columbus.  Audacity 
is  rewarded  in  her  case  by  a  thousand  victories  to 
one  defeat. 

What  seems  in  her  at  first  sight  like  an  extra- 
ordinary and  courageous  impudence,  is  simply 
ignorance  of  that  cobweb  wall  of  etiquette  which 
the  spiders  of  all  ages  have  been  spinning,  but 
which  she  does  not  see.  No  one  has  told  her 
about  it.  She  is  like  the  blind  man  who  re- 
ceived his  sight  in  middle  age,  walking  up 
against  solid  walls  and  empty  space  alike. 
They  are  the  same  to  him,  and  to  her,  un- 
til both  painfully  learn  the  difference;  but 
if  she  does  not  see  other  people  and  things, 
they  see  her.  She  is  apt  to  be  beautiful  and  she 
is  sure  to  be  strange ;  so  she  is  looked  at,  cata- 
logued, described.  She  gets  into  the  pages  of  an 
English  novel,  and  then  is  shocked  (as  we  are  all 
apt  to  be)  at  her  own  photograph.    It  is  not  com- 


tHE  AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.     135 

plimentary,  but  it  is  the  image  she  has  painted 
on  the  foreign  camera.  She  is  delineated  by  a 
native  artist,  perhaps,  and  becomes  furious  at  his 
want  of  patriotism.  It  may  happen  that  he  is 
her  best  friend,  and  is  but  showing  her  to  herself 
as  others  see  her. 

The  late  Mr.  Motley — the  most  chivalrous  of 
men — declared  that  some  of  the  experiences  of 
his  own  countrymen  in  Europe  upset  for  him  all 
his  preconceived  ideas.  He  had  been  bred  in 
that  cultivated  and  conventional  smaller  circle 
of  American  society  whose  members  behave  like 
conventional  people  all  over  the  world;  but  as 
Minister  at  two  foreign  courts  he  was  destined  to 
see  the  far  more  extensive  type  of  his  country- 
women. It  was  an  anecdote  which  he  was  fond  of 
telling,  that  a  young  lady  wrote  to  him  at  one  of 
the  two  courts  which  he  represented,  demanding 
of  him  that  she  should  be  taken  into  the  best 
society,  and  adding  that  she  did  not  ask  it  as  a 
favor,  but  that  she  demanded  it  as  a  right.  He 
asked  her  if  she  had  a  chaperon.  She  said  no, 
but  if  that  were  necessary  he  must  furnish  one  ; 
adding -that,  in  her  opinion,  ''that  was  what 
Ministers  were  sent  to  Europe  for,*' 

\ 


136  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Her  beauty  and  wealth,  and  her  perfect  gentle- 
ness and  innocence  In  all  this  demand,  made  her 
a  conspicuous  and  a  valuable  specimen.  She 
drove  through  Europe  in  a  coach-and-four,  so  to 
speak,  disdaining  advice,  and  feeling  insulted  at 
any  suggestion  that  she  was  outraging  conve- 
nances^ never  reading  insult  in  men's  eyes,  nor 
suspecting  evil.  Having  been  taken  all  over 
Europe  for  a  Tartar  princess,  a  Russian  grand 
duchess,  an  actress,  a  dancer,  anything  but  what 
she  was,  she  came  calmly  home,  married  the 
man  of  her  choice,  settled  down  in  Indiana  or 
Connecticut,  whence  her  daughter,  when  her 
time  comes,  will  go  ofif  on  a  similar  jaunt. 

Still,  one  may  say  that  American  women,  do 
what  they  will,  cannot  be  more  original  or  more 
lawless,  than  are  English  women  :  therefore,  why 
is  she  more  observed?  This  is  a  great  mistake. 
An  English  woman  is  ticketed.  She  is  somebody  ! 
The  Kickleburys  on  the  Rhine  were  as  curious 
specimens  to  Lady  Frances  as  is  Daisy  Miller  to 
the  well-bred  old  lady  with  the  gray  curls ;  but 
Lady  Frances  knows  her  rank,  and  their  want  of 
it,  while  the  two  Americans  are,  to  all  intents  and 
purposes,  of  the  same  social  rank.   Or,  even  more 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF   MANNERS.  137 

confusing,  it  is  possible  that  Daisy  Miller  may  be 
the  daughter  of  an  ambassador  or  a  senator,  and 
the  conventional  lady  may  be  Mrs.  Smith,  of 
Smithville,  and  a  nobody  in  European  estimation. 
They  do  not  understand  our  political  equality. 

After  leaving  the  gentle  and  ignorant  women 
who  are  innocently  shocking  Europe,  and  who 
are  being  written  up,  almost  ad  nauseam,  we  come 
to  the  larger  class,  who  know  better,  and  who  are 
either  foolishly  regardless  of  appearances,  or  who 
are  desirous  of  attracting  attention.  It  is  curious 
that,  amidst  the  adventuresses  of  all  nations,  the 
American  adventuress  has  so  decided  an  origi- 
nality. One  would  think  that  the  type  would  be 
somewhat  monotonous  ;  but  is  there  a  city,  a 
watering  place,  a  sea  coast,  a  mountain  pass  in 
Europe  where  some  American  woman  is  not  seek- 
ing notoriety,  and  is  not  doing  it  with  a  marked 
nationality. 

"Ouida,"  in  her  bad  and  foolish  novels,  hits  off 
occasionally  this  peculiar  type.  Her  sketch  of 
Mrs.  Henry  V.  Clams,  in  the  novel  of  '*  Friend- 
ship," is  a  striking  portrait ;  and  Anthony  Trol- 
lope  has  made  some  good  but  rather  blundering 
masculine  attempts. 


138  TUfi   AMERICAS   CODE  Of  MANNftRS. 

No  wonder  that  the  next  innocent  and  ignorant 
person  who  comes  along  mistakes  Daisy  Miller 
for  Mrs.  Henry  V.  Clams,  for  externally  their 
lives  are  very  much  alike.  Wild,  disobedient, 
foolish  daughters  of  careless,  indifferent,  ignorant 
mothers,  they  have  not  learned  even  to  appear  to 
be  respectful  The  European  girl  has  at  least 
learned  that. 

In  the  city  of  New  York  an  inteUigent  foreigner 
remarked  that  he  could  understand  everything 
better  than  the  relation  of  daughter  to  mother. 
In  every  other  country  it  carried  reverence,  and  a 
certain  simulated  obedience,  if  not  the  real  thing. 
Here  he  saw  in  many  most  respectable  families 
daughters  who  did  not  even  pretend  to  respect  or 
obey  their  mothers.  It  is  an  American  disability, 
the  habit  of  respect,  and  undoubtedly  shocks 
foreigners,  as  it  should  shock  natives  ;  but  it  is 
perhaps  inevitable  in  a  republic  :  perhaps  we 
have  thrown  away  too  much.  The  mother  who 
has  reverenced  nothing  herself  is  not  apt  to  bring 
up  her  daughters  to  reverence  her.  Whatever 
may  be  the  reason,  the  fact  remains,  and  to  this 
may  be  referred  some  foreign  misapprehensions. 
There   are  very  many    well-meaning   American 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  139 

daughters  who  do  not  treat  their  mothers  with 
proper  reverence  of  manner. 

It  is  not  worth  a  strong  defense — that  life  of 
people  who  live  in  any  country  but  their  own. 
That  idle,  purposeless,  scandal-loving,  rootless 
impersonal  thing,  known  all  over  Europe  as  the 
''American  Colony."  is  not  worth  the  powder 
by  which  it  might  be  blown  up.  The  most  pam 
pered  alien  misses  so  much  in  living  abroad  that 
it  is  useless  to  attack  her.  What  woman  can 
enter  church,  charities,  society,  or  build  her 
hearthstone  firmly  in  any  land  into  which  she 
has  sunk  no  roots  V  It  is  a  woman's  duty  to 
follow  her  husband,  but  yet  what  misery  has 
come  of  these  mixed  marriages,  from  which 
ambitious  mothers  have  hoped  so  much,  and 
for  which  foolish  fathers  have  paid  so  much  ? 

Marriage  is  a  very  different  thing  to  the  Euro- 
pean from  that  definite  and  respectable  duty 
which  it  represents  to  the  American  mind.  It  is 
there  an  arrangement :  it  includes  no  necessity  of 
constancy ;  the  husband  loses  no  social  esteem 
if  he  leads  a  life  of  recognized  and  open  infidel- 
ity. His  wife  is  supposed  to  have  been  mort- 
than  paid  for  her  money,  her  sacrifices  and  the 


140  THE    AMERICAX    CODE   OF    MANNBKS. 

insults  which  she  endures,  if,  oy  the  gift  of 
his  title,  he  has  introduced  her  to  the  Faubourg 
or  to  the  Prince  of  Wales  ! 

The  story  is  as  old  as  human  folly,  and  will 
continue  until  folly  shall  die,  that  hundreds  of 
American  parents  are  ready  and  anxious  to-day 
to  risk  the  happiness  of  their  beautiful  daugh- 
ters, and  to  put  their  own  necks  under  a  finan- 
cial yoke,  to  buy  a  title  for  them.  No  doubt,  to 
the  poor  girl,  there  has  been  real  illusion  here. 
The  foreigner  has  much  that  is  fascinating  in 
mind  and  manner ;  he  treats  hia  flancde  well,  how- 
ever he  may  treat  his  wife,  and  to  her  romantic, 
inexperienced  heart,  what  more  fascinating 
chimera — one  in  which  wiser  heads  than  hers 
have  indulged — of  that  possible  probability 
that  in  old  renown  there  is  promise  of  present 
virtue — that  a  Clifford  or  a  Howard  or  a  Cond^  is 
made  of  better  blood  than  Jones  and  Brown, 
and  that  a  house  which  has  been  built  for  three 
centuries  is  better  wort;h  living  in  than  one  which 
was  knocked  up  by  contract  last  month.  It  is 
not  until  she  has  experienced  the  humilia- 
tions reserved  for  every  hour  of  her  life  that 
she  finds  she  has    lost    her  American    nobility 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MAIOfERS.  141 

and  rank,  and  has  received  dead  sea  apples  in 
exchange. 

To  a  woman  who  is  frivolous  and  made  up  of 
vulgar  vanity  there  may  be  gratification  in  see- 
ing other  Americans  stare  as  her  name  and  title 
are  called  out  at  the  door  of  an  opera  or  a 
Queen's  drawing-room.  That  may  repay  her  for 
hours  of  abandonment,  insult  and  a  position 
where  she  is  always  on  sufferance  ;  but  to  those 
who,  with  fresh  hearts  and  with  the  honest  in- 
experienced hope  of  young  womanhood,  have  en- 
tered into  these  marriages,  dreaming  of  happi- 
ness, how  many  reaUze  their  dreams?  How 
rarely  does  the  young  American  wife  in  Europe 
look  happy  ?  She  has  not  love,  honor,  obedience, 
troops  of  friends.  She  is  separated  from  her  own 
family ;  those  who  would  love  her  and  keep  her 
in  sickness  and  in  health  are  not  by  her  side. 
She  is  away  from  that  land  which  recognizes  her 
as  one  who  has  no  superiors.  If  she  has  not  re 
ceived  positive  insult,  unmitigated  wrong,  and 
determined  cruelty,  she  believes  herself  happy. 
But  she  has  been  patronized  : 

To  the  honor  of  these  American  wives  of  noble 
and  titled  husbands  be  it  said,  as  a  rule,  they 


142  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF    MANNERS. 

have  behaved  well — they  have  not  revenged 
themselves.  The  American  women  who  have 
played  most  conspicuously  the  role  of  Bofiemienne 
in  Europe,  and  who  have  made  the  name  of 
American  wife  a  scandal  and  a  reproach,  have 
been,  unfortunately,  most  frequently  the  wives  of 
plain  American  citizens. 

"  Is  there  anjrthing  peculiar  in  your  relation- 
ship ?"  asked  an  impertinent  Guardsman  of  an 
American  lady.  "  You  are  the  first  American 
woman  whom  I  have  ever  seen  traveling  with  her 
husband.'" 

But  we  may  except  two  or  three  classes  of 
foreigners  who  make  good  husbands :  men  who 
have  a  definite  place  in  diplomacy,  or  in  Gov- 
ernment, or  the  army  or  navy  ;  men  who  have 
.something  to  do.  Whether  it  is  from  their  educa- 
tion, or  from  the  firm  anchorage  of  work,  these 
men  do  make  better  husbands  than  do  the  idle  pos- 
sessors of  title,  who  consider  it  a  disgraceful  ne- 
cessity to  marry  an  American  heiress.  And,  again, 
there  may  be  good  lords  and  decent  princes.  Thej- 
are  not  all  bad  :  but  if  one  of  these  marries  an 
American  wife,  and  if  he  loves  her  and  treats  her 
well,  ten  to  one  his  mother  does  not  spare  her. 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   O^   UXHTHZRS,.  14^ 

The  wife  has  no  ancestral  importance ;  she  does 
not  date  back  to  the  Conquest ;  unlike  Don  C^sar 
de  Bazan,  she  cannot,  in  rags,  "wear  her  hat  in  the 
presence  of  royalty. ' '  She  must  be  very  handsome 
and  well  dressed  "in  the  presence  of  royalty," 
and  then,  alas!  perhaps  royalty  takes 'too  much 
notice. 

We  cannot  immediately  educate  the  daughters 
of  people  who  have  suddenly  stepped  into  the 
responsibilities  of  crude  and  unmanageable  pros 
perity  in  the  etiquette  of  the  quiet,  elegant,  edu- 
cated, thoughtful  people  who  have  for  a  century 
or  more  pursued  the  even  tenor  of  an  American 
aristocracy.  The  two  classes  are  living  side  by 
side,  and  until  lately  one  class  was  quite  oblivious 
of  the  other.  A  Daisy  Miller  is  an  unheard  of, 
unknown,  rather  doubtful  monster  to  a  calm  gen- 
tleman who  has  only  known  the  polished  women 
of  his  own  clearly-defined  set.  He  does  not  be- 
lieve in  her.  But  let  him  travel  through  the  en- 
Airons  of  our  great  cities,  shake  off  his  own  asso- 
ciations ;  let  him  go  to  the  very  pension  where  she 
talked  to  her  courier,  and  he  will  find  her.  She  is 
a  republican  outcrop,  inevitable,  but  sure,  and — 
sure  to  be  misunderstood  in  Europe. 


144  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

It  seems  sometimes  quite  impossible  that  an 
American  woman,  with  the  dowry  of  quick  intel- 
ligence and  imitative  faculty  which  has  made 
her  so  clever  an  artist,  so  skillful  a  musician, 
so  honorable  in  her  desire  for  education,  and  so 
well  dressed  and  so  well  mannered,  as  she  almost 
immediately  becomes  after  contact  with  the 
world,  should  remain  so  oblivious  of  the  evident 
proprieties  which  she  shocks,  and  which  no  well- 
intentioned  woman  wishes  to  shock.  Yet  here  is 
where  she  fails.  The  very  absence  of  reverence  for 
her  mother,  of  which  she  is  not  perhaps  fully  aware, 
which  dates  back  to  her  nursery,  makes  her  im- 
patient of  advice  and  angry  at  the  implied  dis- 
belief in  her  own  knowledge.  An  American  girl 
in  Europe  does  not  like  to  be  told  that  she  must 
not  treat  her  courier  with  familiarity.  She  does 
not  like  to  be  told  that  she  appears  badly  on  the 
Pincian  Hill.  She  would  ratfier  appear  badly 
than  to  be  told  of  it.  The  great  moral  purity  of 
these  American  girls,  the  honor  in  which  women 
are  held  in  America,  the  utter  want  of  morbidity 
in  the  relations  between  men  and  women,  has, 
from  its  very  rareness  and  impossibility  to  a  for- 
eign  mind,  done  very  much  to  help  along  the 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  146 

mistake.  In  illustrating  this  phase  of  his  fair 
countrywomen,  Mr.  Henry  James,  jr.,  cannot 
be  too  highly  praised.  His  beautiful  story  of 
"Madame  de  Mauves"  should  never  be  forgot- 
ten. He  knows  how  good  they  are,  and  he  has 
said  so. 

Of  American  snobbery,  of  the  bowing  down  to 
a  lord— who  has  not  seen  and  regretted  it  ?  That 
is  a  phase  of  our  repubhcan  education  which  we 
would  fain  ignore.  But  there  are  few  diseases 
cured  without  a  severe,  heroic  remedy,  and  after 
a  thorough  diagnosis.  We  may  as  well  accuse 
ourselves  of  our  own  national  sins,  and  take  the 
bitter  pill  at  once.  We  are  in  the  position  of 
soldiers  who  will  not  obey  the  word  of  command. 
If  Americans  do  behave  in  either  a  savage  or  a 
snobbish  or  an  ignorant  way  in  Europe,  it  is  well 
that  they  should  confess  it  to  themselves,  or 
else  to  bear  the  sarcasms  patiently  which  are 
showered  down  on  them  by  English  authors. 
They  can  escape  all  by  a  slight  attention  to  the 
laws  of  a  recognized  etiquette,  nor  need  they 
lose  one  particle  of  self-respect  by  so  doing. 


146  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF    MA>nSTCRS. 


CHAPTER   XI. 

SOCIAL   OBSERVANCES   TOWABD    FOREIGNERS    AND 
TOWARD   OUR    OWN   GRKAT   PEOPLE. 

THE  way  to  treat  a  great  man  or  woman  who 
visits  you  is  to  do  the  best  thing  you 
can  in  your  own  way.  A  slavish  imitation  of 
the  manners  of  one  particular  country,  whose  laws 
and  whose  rank  is  different  from  ours,  would  be 
absurd,  and  would  deprive  every  nation  of  its 
individuality  and  of  all  interest,  if  carried  too 
far. 

For  instance,  it  would  be  absurd  for  us  to  at- 
tempt to  treat  Prince  Leopold  with  the  thousand 
courtesies  which  would  only  be  understood  and 
properly  carried  out  by  the  Norroy  King-at-Arms. 
We  should  receive  him  ^vith  great  respect — we  owe 
that  to  ourselves — but  in  a  truly  American  man- 
ner, as  we  would  one  of  our  own  distinguished 
men,  with  the  added  interest  and  hospitality 
which  we  owe  to  every  stranger.  The  running 
after  such  a  person,  the  staring  at  him  as  if  he 
were  made  of  different  clay,  is  absurd,  weak  and 


THE   AMERICAN    COBE   OF    MANNERS.  147 

ridiculous.  It  is  essentially  rude,  too ;  it  is  a 
coarse  and  a  vulgar  thing  to  follow  a  royal  prince, 
to  let  him  for  one  moment  consider  himself  a 
target  for  the  gossiping  observation  of  a  thought- 
less crowd. 

Respect  and  good  feeling  being  the  background 
of  manners,  people  with  those  two  qualities 
need  hardly  be  told  how  to  behave  under  any 
circumstances.  It  may  be  well,  however,  to  ob- 
serve one  or  two  little  details. 

English  people,  especially  princes,  do  not  ex- 
pect to  be  shaken  hands  with  ;  that  is  an  Ameri- 
can custom.  The  French  princes  who  came  over 
to  fight  under  McClellan— the  Comte  de  Paris 
and  Due  de  Chartres— cultivated  this  pleasant 
habit,  and  made  themselves  very  popular ;  but 
the  old  Prince  de  Jotnville,  their  uncle,  who 
came  with  them,  and  who  was  a  sailor  and  the 
most  democratic  of  princes,  never  could  bring 
himself  to  do  it  indiscriminately.  He  had  been 
too  near  the  Old  World  etiquette,  disturbed  as  it 
had  been,  even  in  his  day.  It  is  well  for  Ameri- 
cans to  remember  this,  and  to  content  themselves 
with  a  low  bow. 

After  the  ceremony  of  presentation,  if  the  royal 


148  THE   AMERICA:^   CODE   OF   MAJTSERS. 

visitor,  or  any  other  visitor,  honors  our  private 
houses  with  his  presence,  vee  should  simply  see 
that  he  is  taken  in  first  to  supper  or  to  dinner ; 
that  little  concession  to  Old  World  etiquette  is 
only  decent,  because  anything  less  would  look 
like  an  insult ;  but,  after  that,  we  need  not  trou- 
ble ourselves  to  be  especially  particular ;  in  fact, 
we  must  avoid  being  fussy,  which  is  the  worst  ex- 
cess of  amiability . 

As  for  our  own  great  people — a  president,  for 
instance — we  should  treat  him  with  more  honor 
than  we  do — very  much  more. 

In  inviting  him  to  our  houses  we  should  be 
careful  to  see  that  he  and  his  wife  are  conducted 
first  to  the  refreshment  table.  No  one  should, 
either  from  carelessness  or  indifference,  begin  to 
eat  at  a  reception  given  to  the  President  before 
he  has  been  helped.  This  we  owe  to  the  common 
decencies  of  life. 

On  the  arrival  of  the  President  and  suite  at  a 
small  town  in  the  interior,  the  business  of  receiv- 
ing him  properly  is  often  laughingly  discussed 
by  the  inhabitants.  The  proper  etiquette  would 
be  for  a  delegation  of  the  first  citizens  to  meet 
him  at  the  train  and  to  conduct  him  iu  one  of 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     149 

their  own  private  carriages  to  the  house  where  he  is 
to  stop,  unless  public  ceremonies  should  interfere. 
And  then  lie  should  be  first  privately  consulted 
as  to  his  own  desire  for  rest  and  refreshment 
before  he  is  compelled  to  receive  the  good  people 
who  wish  to  see  him.  If  he  consents  to  a  recep- 
tion, let  one  be  given  to  him,  of  course ;  and  each 
person  who  enters  should  be  presented  to  him 
first  by  host  and  hostess,  but  there  should  always 
be  a  thought  for  the  private  rest  and  refreshment 
to  an  over-fatigued  man. 

It  is  always  an  agreeable  thing  for  a  great  man, 
a  traveled  man,  a  much  shaken-handed  man,  to 
be  taken  to  some  luxurious,  quiet,  private  house, 
where  an  amiable  and  accomphshed  hostess 
knows  how  to  treat  him  with  dignified  courtesy, 
and  to  be  let  alone  occasionally ;  for  the  hour 
of  rest  and  the  "not  being  obliged  to  talk"  are 
boons  highly  prized  by  the  public  man. 

To  appear  in  the  front  rank,  to  follow  up  a 
great  man,  to  be  the  star  which  shines  with  re- 
flected lustre,  these  are  the  attributes  of  the  snob 
and  the  bore  ;  and  scarcely  ever  do  we  see  a  public 
reception  to  a  distinguished  luminary  that  the 
lesser  satellite  is  not  present  also.    There  are  men 


150  THE   AMERICAN   CODE    OF   MANNERS. 

who  have  no  sense  of  delicacy  on  this  point — 
women  who  make  themselves  into  notorieties  as 
lion-hunters,  and  as  the  most  disagreeable  of 
bores,  because  they  cannot  be  put  down  as  men 
can.  Their  sex,  unfortunately,  protects  them  ; 
but  if  they  could  hear  the  whispered  criticism,  they 
would  gladly  reform  their  too-officious  manners. 
A  capital  article  could  be  written  on  this  subject 
alone  ;  indeed,  as  referring  to  a  whole  class  of 
such,  a  recent  English  paper  says  :  "  People  often 
imagine  that  if  they  could  only  get  the  entree  into 
some  envied  clique,  their  position  and  happiness 
would  be  assured  for  life.  At  last  the  much-de- 
sired opportunity  presents  itself,  and  they  enter 
the  celestial  portals.  Their  surroundings,  when  they 
find  themselves  there,  may  possibly  surpass  their 
fondest  wishes,  but,  as  regards  themselves,  all  is 
not  satisfactory  :  on  the  contrary,  they  are  con- 
scious of  a  complete,  indescribable  failure.  They 
are  painfully  conscious  that  they  have  nothing  in 
common  with  the  inhabitants  of  their  longed-for 
Paradise,  and  these  exalted  beings  give  them  clearly 
to  understand  that  they  look  upon  them  as  flies  in 
their  ointment.  To  have  the  cup  of  happiness 
snatched  from  one's  grasp  just  as  one  is  putting 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  151 

it  to  the  lips  is  mortifying,  and  the  sense  of 
disappointment  to  one's  fondest  hopes  is  even 
worse.  In  these  days  '  society  '  is  the  most  run 
after  of  all  the  /will-o'-the-wisps,'  and  there 
are  many  thousands  of  people  whose  highest 
desire  is  to  be  on  a  familiar  footing  with  some 
coterie,  which  especially  commends  itself  to  their 
tastes.  They  are  ever  on  the  watch  for  an  oppor- 
tunity for  inserting  the  thin  end  ol  the  wedge 
into  the  desired  set.  There  is  great  diversity 
of  opinion  as  to  what  is  the  most  delectable 
of  earthly  circles,  but  one  or  two  descriptions 
taken  at  random  will  easily  exemplify  the 
common  experience  of  searchers  after  social 
perfection." 

The  snob  must  have  anything  but  an  agreeable 
experience  in  thus  trying  to  get  in  where  he  is 
not  wanted.  He  is  ever  the  marplot  of  tljese 
public  attentions  to  distinguished  people,  and  is 
to  be  particularly  dreaded. 

If  a  family  wish  to  entertain  a  president  or  a 
prince,  they  should  be  careful,  in  issuing  cards, 
that  their  invitation  is  explicit  and  in  good 
grammar.  Many  invitations  read  absurdly.  a.s 
this  sort  of  thing  : 


152  THE    AMERICANS    CODE   OF   MAlTinEBB. 

"  Mrs.  Brown  at  home.  July  1st.  to  meet  Presi- 
dent Hayes. ' ' 

Mrs.  Brown  thinks  that  she  has  invited  you  to 
meet  President  Hayes,  whereas  she  has  only  re- 
corded a  truism.     She  should  have  said  : 

Mrs.  Brown 

requests  the  pleasure  of  the  company  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith, 

on  Friday  evening,  July  Ist, 

to  meet 

The  President 

and 
Mrs.  Hayes. 

Or  it  is  proper,  in  giving  a  large  entertainment, 
to  have  the  card  printed  thus  : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown  request  the  'pleasure  of 
your  company  at  luncheon,  on  Tuesday,  March 
2d,  to  meet 

The  President 

and 

Mrs.  Hayes. 

1  o'clock.  18  E.  Kent  street. 

Many  sticklers  for  the  old-fashioned  and  most 
respectful  etiquette,  however,  object  to  this  use 
of  the  words  "  your  company,"  and  say  "whose 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  153 

company?"  They  take  the  trouble  to  insert  the 
name  always,  but  that  becomes  so  well  under- 
stood through  the  address  on  the  outside  of  the 
envelope,  and  the  trouble  is  so  enormous,  that  in 
our  republican  code  of  manners  we  may  insist 
that  the  latter  printed  form  is  sufficiently  cere- 
monious. 

Some  question  arises  in  country  neighborhoods, 
where  there  are  no  Delmonico  cooks,  as  to 
whether  a  hot  lunch  or  a  cold  one  is  the  most 
in  order.  We  say  a  cold  lunch,  as  being  more 
convenient  and  always  sure  to  be  better ;  such 
dishes  as  chicken  salad,  cold  ham  and  pressed 
meats,  ice  cream.  Charlotte  Russe  and  blanc- 
mange, jelly  and  cake,  being  easily  prepared 
before,  and  all  within  the  power  of  every  good 
housekeeper  ;  while,  if  you  have  not  a  French 
cook,  hot  dishes,  like  sweetbread  and  peas. 
croquettes  and  terrapin,  filet  de  boeuf  and  game 
pies,  are  apt  to  be  very  poor,  particularly  if  the 
lunch  is  delayed.  It  should  be  the  business  of 
every  country  housekeeper  to  study  up  egg  salads, 
lobster  and  chicken  salads,  the  common  salads 
from  the  garden,  and  all  the  preparations  of 
potted    meats,    which    are    excellent,    such    as 


154  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Melton  veal  and  chicken,  cold,  with  a  vegetable 
salad,  all  of  which  come  in  well  at  a  hastily  im- 
provised lunch.  A  potato  salad  can  be  made  to 
be  perfectly  delicious  and  very  ornamental. 

Morning  entertainments  have  become  very 
fashionable  in  these  later  years,  but  they  have 
not,  of  course,  obliterated  the  ball,  the  evening 
party  and  the  evening  wedding.  It  is  to  be  hoped 
that  they  never  will,  for  gentlemen  find  it  difficult 
ro  be  present  at  these  day  parties.  Our  work-a-day 
country,  thank  Heaven,  finds  something  for  every 
man  to  do,  in  the  daj^time  ;  it  is  only  occasionally 
that  a  man  can  come  up  town  before  dinner. 
Therefore,  hostesses  should  accept  the  added 
trouble,  and  give  their  entertainments  in  the 
evening,  if  possible.  There  has  been  too  much 
shirking  of  this  sort  of  responsibility  in  favor  of 
the  more  easily  gotten-up  tea  at  five  o'clock — a 
very  much  overdone  form  of  entertainment. 

While  it  is  always  proper  to  give  a  foreigner  his 
title,  as  it  is  respectful  to  call  a  person  by  his  real 
name  instead  of  being  sure  to  call  Mr.  Cromwell 
Mr.  Carroll,  or  Mr.  Cheeseborough  Mr.  Chees- 
man,  or  Mrs.  Sherman  Mrs.  Sherwin,  as  some 
people  always  do,  yet  it  i.s  not  Tery  easy  to  find  out 


THE   AMKRICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  155 

how  to  address  a  prince,  a  duke,  or  an  archbishop 
simply  by  looking  into  any  English  book  of  eti- 
quette. In  England  they  avoid  using  the  title  as 
much  as  possible  when  talking  with  a  very  exalted 
person.  We,  as  republicans,  are  not  expected 
to  know  all  the  details,  and  if  our  manners  are 
agreeable  and  polite,  and  not  too  excruciatingly 
respectful,  we  shall  be  forgiven  for  little  lapses 
of  the  unintentional  kind. 

A  too  great  familiarity  and  appearance  of  inti- 
macy should  be  avoided  with  such  a  person.  How- 
ever courteous  an  English  duke  may  appear,  he 
really  resents  any  attempt  at  familiarity.  Never 
slap  a  foreigner  on  the  back,  or  touch  his  elbow, 
as  is  common  enough  between  young  American 
men.  It  is  considered  abroad  the  highest  insult 
to  touch  the  person.  A  young  midshipman 
going  abroad  for  his  first  cruise  treated  a  party 
of  princes  and  noblemen  who  came  on  board  his 
ship  at  some  port  in  the  Mediterranean  as  he 
had  been  in  the  habit  of  treating  his  own  fellow- 
(iadets,  and  he  was  challenged  to  five  duels  the 
next  day.  It  took  the  whole  force  of  the  Ameri- 
t;an  navy  to  get  him  out  of  this  particular  scrape. 
It  would  not  injure  our  own  manners  if  a  little  of 


156  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MLAJfNERS. 

this   resi)ect   for  the  dignity   of  the  body  were 
more  observed. 

Women  going  abroad  should  be  very  careful 
not  to  assume  the  insignia  of  rank.  American 
women  have  been  known  to  go  into  foreign 
society  wearing  coronets,  which  is  absurd.  A 
lady  once  wore  the  Prince  of  Wales'  plimie  in  her 
hair,  and  was  requested  to  not  do  so  again.  The 
fondness  which  American  women  have  shown  for 
title  and  gilded  equipage  of  rank  has  caused 
them  to  be  laughed  at  abroad  and  at  home, 
and  they  tell  of  one  ecstatic  young  lady,  who 
said  that  she  ''loved  to  breathe  an  air  which 
was  thick  with  archdukes  and  princes.''  These 
women  are  the  toadstools — even  worse  than 
mushrooms — of  our  best  society.  They  are  the 
exceptions,  and  not  the  rule. 

In  receiving  and  entertaining  distinguished 
foreigners,  try  to  find  out  first  if  they  are  genuine. 
We  are  often  captured  by  a  bogus  lord  or  a 
fictitious  count.  Try  to  be  always  on  guard. 
Remember  one  fact,  that  the  best-bom  men  are 
not  fond  of  parading  a  title.  General  Grant  did 
not  go  over  Europe  sa>ing  •'  Here  am  I  '  the 
soldier  of  the  world  :   the  man,  who.  after  Wei- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  157 

lington,  has  the  highest  military  renown ;  the 
President,  twice,  of  the  United  States !"  No  ; 
those  who  wanted  to  see  General  Grant  had  to 
go  and  find  a  modest  little  man,  smoking  in  some 
back  parlor. 

So  of  real  lords  and  real  dukes,  and  great 
men  of  Continental  hereditary  title — they  are 
generally  silent,  quiet  men,  anxious  to  be  let 
alone.  Occasionally  an  exceedingly  jolly  and 
agreeable  man,  like  the  Earl  of  Dufferin,  appears, 
and  is  as  entertaining  as  if  he  had  no  greatness 
to  carry  around.  Lord  Houghton  was  also  sin- 
gularly gracious,  convivial,  and  fond  of  seeing 
everybody.  The  Dean  of  Westminster  was 
frightened  and  shocked  at  being  so  followed  in 
America,  and  asked  if  people  were  not  mistaken 
as  to  his  real  position,  not  knowing  that,  in  his 
case,  we  loved  his  truly  excellent  and  liberal 
breadth  of  character. 

We,  perhaps,  effuse  too  much,  and  in  the 
wrong  place.  Let  us  study  dignity  and  quiet 
repose  of  manner.     As  a  nation  we  need  it. 


158  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 


CHAPTER    XII. 

YOUNG    PEOPLE    AT    A    WATERING   PLACE. 

THE  conduct  of  young  American  women  at  a 
watering  place  has  been  the  prominent  and 
eloquent  text  of  the  English  traveler,  from  the 
days  of  Mrs.  Trollope  down  to  Sala.  Indeed, 
the  more  sober-minded  of  our  own  people  have 
not  been  silent  on  the  subject.  The  beautiful 
young  women  who  desire  to  be  seen,  and  who 
mistake  notoriety  for  fame,  are  pleased  with  the 
sensation  they  create,  and  after  them  comes, 
laboriously,the  rather passe'e,  fast,  married  woman, 
wh(5  is  nursing  her  rapidly  decaying  powers,  and 
who  believes  that  if  she  is  noisy  and  vulgar  and 
flirtatious,  she  will  be  especially  commended  as 
a  belle. 

To  go  out  into  the  surf  in  one  of  those  very 
(UcoUete  and  sleeveless  bathing  dresses,  which  are 
worn  at  D'Ouville  and  Trouville  (and  mentioned 
by  the  not  too  scrupulous  Ouida  with  abhor- 
rence) ;  to  be  loudly  commended  by  a  set  of  fast 
men  for  some  outrage  upon  the  sober  order  of 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF    xMANNERH.  159 

the  beach  ;  to  dress  in  a  conspicuous  manner  at 
breakfast ;  to  lounge  about  on  the  piazza  at  New 
London,  Long  Branch,  Saratoga  or  Richfield 
in  a  negligee  only  suited  to  one's  bedroom ;  to 
drive  three  ponies  abreast ;  to  be  loud,  defiant  and 
brazen— has  been  the  plan  of  too  many  Ameri- 
can women  in  the  great  publicity  of  a  watering 
place,  even  by  the  mothers  of  families,  as  well  as 
by  their  coarse,  unsexed  daughters.  This  has 
been  the  custom  altogether  too  frequently  for  the 
good  name  of  American  women.  Flirtation  goes 
on  conspicuously  at  these  places,  and  the  reporter 
of  a  newspaper  is  blamed,  if,  in  giving  the  newt< 
of  the  day,  he  tells  what  he  sees. 

The  wholesale  violation  of  good  manners  and 
'of  etiquette  is  shocking,  and  it  has  led  to  uni- 
versal misapprehension  on  the  part  of  observ- 
ing foreigners  as  to  the  morals  of  American 
women.  No  other  people  like  to  live  in  public 
as  we  do  ;  no  other  people  except  the  demi  monde 
of  Europe  and  their  foolish  imitators  flirt,  dance, 
swim,  eat,  drink,  amuse  themselves  so  unrestrain- 
edly before  any  number  of  very  careless  critics. 
We  are  gregarious  ;  we  like  to  spend  the  summer 
in  a  great  crowd— to  eat,  to  drink,  to  listen  to 


160  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

music,  to  drive  and  to  bathe  with  our  dear  five 
thousand  friends.  But  we  should,  in  so  doing,  re- 
member that  the  greater  the  crowd,  the  more 
should  each  individual  be  "on  guard,"  and  the 
more  should  each  person  envelop  himself,  or  her- 
self, in  a  wrapping  of  personal  dignity. 

The  appearance  of  a  handsome  young  married 
woman  at  a  fashionable  watering  place— one  at- 
tended by  a  large  crowd  of  adorers,  a  woman 
who  may  have  a  husband  who  is  well-known 
politicaBy  and  financially— is  always  a  fact 
patent  to  the  whole  world,  reported  by 
the  newspapers,  and  commented  upon  by  the 
thousand  who  go  and  come  at  a  watering 
place.  To  conduct  herself  so  that  even  the 
breath  of  slander  shall  not  be  attached  to  her 
name  is  the  study  of  an  honorable  lady.  8he 
dresses  quietly;  she  thinks  of  little  things  ;  she  is 
courteous ;  she  does  not  stay  out  late  at  her 
yachting  parties ;  she  is  not  seen  too  much  with 
one  gentleman.  If  she  be  the  wife  of  a  public 
official,  she  should  not  give  any  one  the  power  to 
say  that  she  is  spending  the  public  money.  No 
suspicion  of  bribery  or  corruption  should  attach 
itself  to  her. 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     161 

And  as  for  young  people,  there  should  be  no 
picnic,  no  yachting  parties  without  a  chaperon  ; 
no  staying  out  late  in  the  evening  ;  no  driving  off 
on  a  coach  without  some  "mamma "  to  quell  the 
overflow  of  rising  merriment.  Young  ladies  have 
no  idea  of  the  group  of  moody,  jaundiced  men  of 
the  world  who  sit  at  the  smoking  end  of  the  piazza 
and  say  dreadful  things  of  women.  Of  course 
these  critics  cannot  be  commended,  but  they 
should  be  disarmed  by  the  propriety  of  the  women. 

Many  an  innocent  girl  has  been  slandered  who 
did  not  deserve  the  harsh  criticism :  but  if 
she  would  remember  what  she  did,  and  how  she 
looked,  and  what  company  she  kept  at  a  watering 
place,  perhaps  she  would  be  very  sorry  that  she 
had  innocently  helped  along  the  slander. 

There  is  always  enough  that  is  reprehensible 
going  on.  Some  disingenuous  girl  is  decei\ing 
her  mother,  flirting  with  some  forbidden  beau  . 
some  arrant  coquette  is  carrying  on  her  game : 
some  married  flirt  is  occupied  with  her  robust 
determination  to  be  talked  about ;  some  Mrs. 
Skewton  is  painting  her  eyebrows  and  trying  to 
pass  for  a  young  beauty;  some  interloper  into  the 
ranks  of  respectability  is  carrying  on  her  dan- 


lOZ  THE    AMERICAN   CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

gerous  game  :  all  these  are  the  companions,  daily 
and  hourly,  of  the  innocent,  respectable  and  un- 
suspecting ladies  at  a  watering  place. 

Is  it  not  all  an  argument  for  the  preservation 
of  quiet,  dignified  and  proper  manners  ?  Who 
wishes  to  be  taken  for  what  she  is  not  ?  We  all 
want  our  rank,  the  advantage  of  good  morals, 
good  antecedents  and  a  good  reputation  in  every 
respect.  Shall  we  then  throw  it  away  for  a  mo- 
ment's trivial  laughter  V 

The  habits  of  a  watering  place  in  America  vary, 
of  course,  with  the  situation.  A  lone  hotel. 
which  brings  people  into  very  close  juxtapo- 
sition, is  the  very  hot-bed  of  gossip.  The 
idlers  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  talk  of 
the  busy  ones.  Each  young  couple  is  watched 
as  they  wander  off  for  a  stroll  on  the  beach,  a 
sail  at  twilight,  a  drive  or  a  swim.  At  the  gi'eat. 
crowded  sea-side  places,  like  Coney  Island  and 
Long  Branch,  there  is  less  gossip,  unless  some 
woman  makes  herself  very  prominent.  It  is 
amazing  to  see  how  much  less  men  exploit  their 
contempt  of  appearances  at  a  watering  place 
than  women  do.  It  would  seem  as  if  some  wo- 
men lost  their  senses  when  they  got  into  a  crowd. 


THE  AMERICAN  OODB  OP  MANNERS.  163 

The  intimacies  and  flirtations  between  young 
unmarried  girls  and  young  married  men,  which 
have  unfortunately  become  so  fashionable  and  so 
very  much  observed  at  watering  places  lately, 
are  much  to  be  deprecated.  The  sorrow  and 
shame  which  has  resulted  from  these  very  im- 
proper intimacies,  but  which  society  winks  at, 
have  been  enormous.  Families  become  hopelessly 
estranged,  and,  of  all  the  sufferers,  the  innocent 
girl  is  the  most  to  be  pitied.  She  has  not  known 
at  all  "  what  the  world  will  say." 

Of  the  flirtations  of  married  flirts  with  young 
men,  the  world  is  full.  But  although  this  custom 
lowers  the  tone  of  society,  no  one  is  to  be  pitied, 
for  the  husband  should  have  courage  enough  to 
rule  his  wife  and  to  prevent  his  own  disgrace. 
The  man  who  suffers  his  wife  to  be  talked  about 
deserves  all  the  shame  that  he  gets.  The  woman 
who  flirts  is  old  enough  to  know  better ;  no  one 
cares  very  much  what  becomes  of  her;  and,  as  for 
the  young  man,  he  accepts  with  his  eyes  open  the 
danger  and  the  disgrace  of  the  whole  position. 
So,  while  it  is  one  of  the  most  crying  evils  of  our 
republican  society,  there  is  very  little  to  be  said 
about  it,  except  to  warn  mothers  not  to  let  their 


164  THE   AMBRICAJJ   CODE   OF   MANNERS, 

daughters  have  anything  to  do  with  a  young 
married  flirt  at  a  watering  place  or  elsewhere. 
There  is  no  burden  on  earth  like  that  of  a  flir- 
tatious woman  tied  to  an  honest  man. 

A  very  competent  critic,  speaking  of  our  young 
people,  justly  says : 

"The  evils  arising  from  the  excessive  liberty 
permitted  to  American  youth  cannot  be  cured  by 
laws.  If  we  are  ever  to  root  it  out,  we  must 
begin  at  the  very  bottom.  Family  life  must  be 
reformed.  For  children,  parental  authority  is  the 
only  sure  guide.  Coleridge  well  said  that  he  who 
was  not  able  to  govern  himself  must  be  governed 
by  others,  and  experience  has  shown  that  the 
children  of  civilized  parents  are  as  little  able  to 
govern  themselves  as  the  children  of  savages. 
The  liberty  or  license  of  our  youth  will  have  to  be 
curtailed.  As  our  society  is  becoming  more  com- 
plex and  artificial,  like  older  societies  in  Europe, 
our  children  will  have  to  approximate  to  them  in 
status,  and  parents  will  have  to  waken  to  a  sense 
of  their  responsibilities,  and  subordinate  their 
ambitions  and  their  pleasures  to  their  duties." 

Mothers  should  mingle  more  in  the  pleasures 
of  their  daughters.     If  young  men  knew  that 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.  165 

they  must  invite  the  mother  first  to  a  din- 
ner, a  drive  or  a  picnic,  before  inviting  the 
daughter,  it  would  make  the  surest  correc- 
tion of  one  of  the  evil  manners  of  the  day. 
He  who  has  two  oars  to  his  boat  is  surer 
of  winning  the  race  than  he  who  has  only  one. 
A  man  who  treats  the  parents  of  the  young 
lady  whom  he  likes  with  respect  is  apt  to  have 
their  assistance  in  winning  her. 

Too  youthful  marriages  are  to  be  deprecated. 
Men  often  regret  deeply  through  life  the  mis- 
takes made  in  their  green  youth  in  the  choice  of 
a  companion,  whom  Time  has  proved  unworthy 
of  them.  Again,  they  look  back  upon  those  early 
love  affairs,  which  were  once  of  so  much  import- 
ance— those  heartbreaks  which  once  seemed  so 
severe — and  find  that  the  sting  of  parting  was  a 
very  healthy  pain,  and  they  are  very  glad  they 
were  saved  from  a  marriage  which  would  have 
been  so  very  uncongenial.  Indeed  as  a  man 
surveys  the  choice  of  his  youth,  and  finds  her 
ignorant,  frivolous,  sordid  and  unworthy,  he 
often  blames  his  friends  that  they  were  not 
more  severe,  and  did  not  keep  him  from  such 
a  mamage, 


166  THE  AMBBICAN  CODE   OF  MAIJNBES. 

A  woman  bows  with  more  submission  to  her 
married  fate,  whatever  it  may  have  been.  She  is 
obliged  to,  and  religion  and  duty  both  help  her 
to  wear  her  yoke.  But,  sometimes,  does  she  not 
'VNash  that  the  foolish  fancy  and  flirtation  of  a 
watering  place  had  been  thwarted  ?  and  that  she 
had  been  forced  into  a  longer  acquaintance,  and 
a  more  deliberate  period  of  reflection  before  she 
took  that  fatal  step  which  can  never  be  recalled. 

If  young  engaged  couples  go  to  a  watering 
place,  they  should  avoid  any  outer  demonstrations 
of  devotion.  This  is  in  the  worst  taste.  The 
gentleman  should  strive  to  avoid  exhibitions  of 
jealousy  if  his  fiancee  chooses  to  dance  with 
another  man,  and  the  lady  should  be  equally  cool 
over  her  lover's  behavior.  Many  an  engagement, 
however,  has  been  broken  off  at  a  watering  place, 
or  after  a  summer  at  one.  It  is  often  a  crucial 
test  of  constancy. 

It  is  quite  proper  at  a  watering  place  to  speak 
without  an  introduction  to  those  whom  you  meet 
every  day.  Gentlemen  should  always  raise  their 
hats  to  their  fair  fellow-boarders,  and  the  ac- 
quaintance of  ladies  on  a  hotel  piazza  can  hurt 
no  one.    The  day  the  party  leaves  the  hotel,  that 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     167 

day  the  acquaintance  can  cease  if  the  people  so 
choose. 

A  young  man  must  be  careful  not  to  be  push- 
ing, and  must,  of  course,  be  introduced  to  a  party 
of  ladies,  or  one  young  lady,  before  he  could  offer 
her  any  civilities  or  ask  her  to  dance  ;  but  for  the 
elderly  and  the  married  there  need  be  no  such 
stiffness.  Half  of  the  pleasure  of  a  watering- 
place  life  is  the  informal  chat,  the  picking  up  of 
a  new  acquaintance,  the  insight  into  a  larger  life. 

As  for  the  cads,  the  pretenders,  the  adventur- 
ers, the  scamps,  the  demi-monde  ladies,  who  try  to 
get  into  good  society,  they  always  manage  to 
get  very  well  introduced,  and  bring  letters  to 
some  prominent  lady,  or  are  the  guests  at  some 
dinner  given  by  some  social  amphytrion.  They 
are,  therefore,  not  kept  out  by  any  stiffness  of 
manner,  for  they  take  care  to  be  well  introduced. 
It  is  only  after  the  summer  is  over  that  such  peo- 
ple are  unmasked;  often  they  have  been  the 
patronized  favorites  of  some  very  scrupulous 
lady.  This  great  carelessness  of  giving  letters, 
the  audacity  of  adventurers  and  their  success, 
are  great  troubles  in  our  republican  society. 
There  seems  to  be  no  possibility  of  curing  the 


168  THE  i^EEKICAJf   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

evil  ;  therefore  all  the  greater  necessity  of  a 
proud  personal  dignity. 

It  is  feared  that  there  is  not  so  much  principle 
exhibited  in  giving  letters  to  a  man  whose  char- 
acter is  little  known  as  there  should  be.  Cer- 
tainly, many  very  reprehensible  foreigners  have 
arrived  on  these  shores  with  most  excellent  letters 
and  have  turned  out  to  be  swindlers,  forgers  and 
sometimes  even  murderers.  The  success  of  cer- 
tain actresses  and  mock  countesses  will  be  well 
remembered  by  their  victims,  and  such  women 
choose  the  American  watering  place  as  their  chief 
battle  ground.  The  sudden  disappearance  of 
some  such  prominent  favorite  is  often  remem- 
bered and  commented  upon,  and  then  the  dupes 
find  out  whom  they  have  been  receiving. 

It  seems  strange  that  any  careful  parent  can 
take  a  family  of  daughters,  year  in  and  year  out, 
to  a  watering  place.  The  manners  of  such  young 
ladies  do  not  always  compare  well  with  those  of 
the  denizens  of  quiet  country  homes,  nor  do  such 
young  ladies  marry  as  well,  as  a  rule.  They  come 
to  have  the  undesirable  nameless  reputation  of 
"  college  widows."  Yet  it  is  a  verydifiBcult  ques- 
tion to  settle — *'  where  to  go  for  the  summer." 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  IVfANNERS.  169 

Country  places  are  expensive,  and  very  lonely 
Young  people  desire  society,  and,  alas  I  so  do 
their  elders.  Married  ladies  get  tired  of  house- 
keeping, and  like  three  months  of  rest.  The 
American  watering-place  hotels  are  the  most 
splendid  and  comfortable  in  the  world  ;  therefore 
the  problem  is  easily  solved  by  going  to  the  most 
gay,  the  most  amusing,  the  most  brilliant  watering 
place.  If  the  young  lady  talks  slang,  and  her 
mother  is  rather  too  easy  in  her  manners,  the  stiff 
Englishman  who  sees  them  as  he  puts  up  for 
a  day  at  Newport,  Saratoga  or  Long  Branch, 
goes  away  with  the  impression  that  all  American 
women  are  rowdyish.  But  perhaps  his  specimens 
do  not  care ;  so,  except  to  the  quiet  and  well- 
behaved,  there  is  no  harm  done. 

Newport,  as  being  at  once  "  home  and  watering 
place,"  is  the  least  objectionable  of  all  our  sum- 
mer resorts.  There  etiquette  reigns  supreme.  It 
is  elegant,  refined,  exclusive.  But  it  is  not  easy 
of  access.  It  is  the  home  of  the  very  rich,  but 
it  is  the  queen  of  all  watering  places,  in  this 
country  or  Europe. 

"Call  no  society  good  until  you  have  sounded 
its  morals  as  well  as  its  manners." 


170  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

A   HAUGHTY   HOSTESS. 

MANY  a  woman  suddenly  raised  to  rank 
and  power  in  the  Old  World,  as  well  as 
in  the  new.  has  thought  that  she  was  improved 
by  her  assumption  of  a  mock  dignity.  There 
have  been  instances,  too,  in  our  Republic  of  a 
supposed  addition  to  one's  importance  in  the 
disagreeable  and  atrocious  display  of  bad  man- 
ners toward  the  friends  invited  to  one's  house. 

It  is  not  a  rare  thing  in  New  York  for  a  person 
to  invite  guests  to  her  house  for  the  purpose,  it 
would  seem,  of  insulting  them.  The  manners  of 
a  hostess  who  has  apparently  made  a  party  ir 
order  that  she  may  show  to  half  her  guests  tha* 
she  despised  them  are  certainly  not  ornamental, 
but  they  are  not  altogether  impossible.  It  used 
to  be  the  distinguishing  mark  of  certain  old 
ladies — who,  like  small  beer,  had  turned  very  sour 
with  age— but  it  is  also  assumed  now  by  some 
younger  women,  who  imagine  -hat  it  gives  them 
a  species  of  importance. 


THE   AMEKICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  171 

Lady  Holland  in  England,  a  woman  whom  no 
other  woman  would  visit,  assumed  a  very  imperti- 
nent manner,  perhaps  to  ward  off  insult.  She 
would  order  Macaulay  to  stop  talking,  and  tell 
Tom  Moore  that  he  was  frivolous.  She  would 
command  one  man  to  carve,  and  another  to  move 
further  down.  The  men  bore  it  because  they 
liked  Lord  Holland,  who  had  been  foolish  enough 
to  remove  this  amiable  creature  from  another 
man's  house.  She  was  the  wife  of  Sir  Richard 
Vassall.    She  had  run  away  with  Lord  Holland. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  our  haughty  hostesses 
have  no  such  evil  memories  behind  them ;  but 
there  are  instances  in  Boston,  New  York,  Wash- 
ington, St.  Louis  and  Cincinnati,  and  perhaps  in 
other  cities,  of  women  who,  having  wealth,  hand- 
some houses,  and  a  desire  to  entertain,  are  still 
so  bad-mannered  and  ill-tempered  that  they 
absolutely  invite  guests  in  order  to  insult  them. 
One  lady  in  one  of  these  cities  has  a  national 
reputation  for  bad  manners,  and  people  are 
afraid  to  go  to  her  house  lest  she  should  be 
overtaken  with  a  desire  to  be  uncivil.  It  is 
the  extreme  of  bad  manners.  The  Arab  knows 
better;   the  wild  Indian  is  a  gentleman  in  his 


172  THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

dirty  lodge ;  the  man  who  eats  your  salt  is  sacred, 
and  if  a  woman  is  rude  anywhere  else,  she  aught 
to  be  most  gracious  at  home.  There  is  no  such 
detestable  use  of  one's  privileges  as  to  be  rude  on 
one's  own  ground. 

A  hostess  should  think  well  before  she  invites 
people.  She  should  be  so  generous  as  to  let  her 
friends  alone^  unless  she  wishes  to  treat  them  ^ell. 
Then,  having  made  up  her  mind  to  invite  them, 
she  must  remember  that  from  that  moment  she 
is  their  slave.  She  is  to  be  all  attention  and  all 
suavity.  If  she  has  nothing  to  offer  them  but  a 
small  house  and  a  cup  of  tea  and  a  smile,  she  is 
just  as  much  a  hostess  as  if  she  were  a  queen.  If 
she  offers  them  every  privilege,  and  is  not  cordial, 
she  is  a  snob,  a  vulgarian  and  a  poor  greature. 

Not  a  thousand  years  ago  a  lady  of  New  York, 
who,  through  her  husband,  enjoyed  a  very  nigh 
social  position,  was  led  to  invite— rather  against 
her  will — a  lady  who  had  but  just  entered  the 
portals  of  good  society.  This  lady  came  to  re- 
ceive a  cold  bow  at  the  door,  and  every  possible 
insult  of  averted  looks  and  neglect  from  the 
hostess.  The  conduct  was  so  small,  so  mean 
ind   narrow,   that  a  gentleman   saw  it  and  re 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MAJflSTERS.  173 

sented  it.  He  was  a  leader  in  every  sense,  and 
he  took  occasion,  before  the  evening  was  OTcr, 
to  say  in  the  presence  of  his  hostess  that  he 
thought  a  person  who  was  invited  to  a  liouse 
"to  be  ill-treated"  merely,  immediately  became 
very  interesting. 

Mrs.  Nouveau  Riche,  who  was  sitting  quite 
alone,  "began  after  this  to  experience  a  great  im- 
provement in  her  enjoyment.  Her  hostess,  Mrs. 
OldDones,  became  all  attention.  She  took  up 
gentlemen  to  introduce  to  Mrs.  Nouveau  Riche, 
and  haughty  dames  in  brocade  began  to  solicit 
the  favor  of  a  presentation. 

Mr.  Winkeye,  who  had  produced  this  change, 
was  very  much  amused,  and  he  afterwards  said 
to  Mr.  Oldbones,  loud  enough  to  be  heard  hj 
everybody : 

"By  the  way,  Oldbones,  I  give  a  dinner  next 
week  to  Mrs.  Nouveau  Riche.  1  have  just  one 
seat  left ;  hope  you'll  come." 

He  was  very  careful  not  to  invite  Mrs.  Old- 
bones, whose  conduct  was  so  unworthy  of  a  lady, 
and  who  had  outraged  the  Srst  decency  of  good 
manners. 

A  hostess  should  be  very  particular  U>  specify  in 


174  THE   A.MERICA2f  CODE   OF   MANT^ERS. 

her  invitations  whom  she  wishes  to  see,  and  no 
lady  should  go  to  a  strange  house  unless  she  has 
received  a  card.  A  young  gentleman  may  be 
taken,  uninvited,  by  a  married  lady,  because  the 
married  lady  is  all-powerful,  and  is  supposed  to 
indorse  the  respectability  and  the  presentability 
of  the  gentleman ;  but  a  lady  must  always  receive 
a  card. 

If,  however,  through  any  misapprehension, 
some  person  gets  into  a  house  uninvited,  a  hostess 
should  never  show,  by  look  or  manner,  that  she 
observes  it.  The  very  fact  that  a  person  has 
crossed  her  threshold  gives  that  person  a  claim 
upon  the  hostess. 

A  few  years  ago  a  strange  mistake  was  made. 
Two  ladies  of  the  same  name  gave  an  enter- 
tainment within  a  few  doors  of  each  other. 
Many  persons  got  into  the  "vvrong  house. 
The  hostess  who  gained  that  day  the  admir- 
ing comments  of  all  New  York  was  the  woman 
who  received  perfect  strangers  as  if  they 
were  her  best  friends,  and  made  them  friends 
by  that  gracious  reception.  The  other  lady,  less 
well  bred,  said  to  a  gentleman  who  approached 
ber; 


THE   AMERTOAN   CODE  OF  MAmfRRS.  175 

"  I  think  you  have  got  into  the  wrong  house, 
haven't  you?" 

"  Yes,"  said  he.  •'  I  thought  this  was  a  lady^s 
house !" 

It  was  a  terrible  revenge,  but  a  perfectly  justifi- 
able one. 

In  a  rural  university  town  there  were  two  pro- 
fessors of  the  same  name,  and  one  of  them  asked 
a  stranger  gentleman  to  tea.  He  went  to  the 
house  of  the  wrong  professor,  whose  wife  re- 
ceived him  in  a  very  chilling  manner.  The  poor 
man  bore  it  very  courageously  for  awhile,  but 
finally  ventured  to  say : 

"  Your  husband  invited  me  to  tea." 

"  Oh,  no  !"  said  this  haughty  hostess.  "  It  must 
have  been  the  other  Professor  S ;  my  hus- 
band never  asks  anybody  to  tea  !" 

It  occurred  to  this  gentleman  to  say  :  "I  should 
advise  them  not  to  accept  if  he  did,"  but  he 
merely  bowed  and  departed. 

A  hostess  has  so  very  charming  a  position, 
if  she  is  amiable,  that  one  wonders  that  even 
the  temptations  of  power  could  lead  her  to 
be  unamiable.  She  is  in  her  hour  of  hostess- 
ship,  perhaps,  at  the  acme  of  a  woman's  ambi- 


176  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

tion.  It  is  her  place  to  make  a  number  of 
people  happy,  to  see  that  they  are  well  fed, 
well  introduced,  and  not  too  warm.  She  is  the 
person  of  all  others  to  whom  every  gentle,  sweet 
emotion,  and  every  grateful  feeling  turns.  A 
hostess  at  a  pretty  country  house  is  very  much 
to  be  envied,  as  she  can,  without  much  effort, 
make  everybody  happy.  A  hostess  in  the  city 
can  become  an  enormous  social  power;  if  she 
has  tact  and  a  certain  intelligence,  she  becomes 
the  envied  of  men  and  the  admired  of  women. 
That  she  should  ever  use  this  power  to  make 
herself  disagreeable  is  most  amazing.  If  we  had 
not  seen  it  done,  we  should  hardly  believe  it 
possible. 

A  hostess  should  never  reprove  her  servants  In 
the  presence  of  her  guests.  All  that  worries  her 
must  be  carefully  concealed  from  them.  It  is  her 
place  to  oil  the  wheels  of  the  domestic  machinery, 
so  that  nothing  shall  jar.  It  is  quite  impossible 
that  In  this  country,  where  our  servants  are  the 
worst  In  the  world,  they  should  ever  be  so 
trained  that  something  may  not  go  wrong.  But 
the  hostess  must  not  appear  to  notice  it.  If  sfie 
is  disturbed,   flustered  and  miserable,  who  can 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF  MANNERS.  177 

enjoy  anj^thing  ?  There  is  no  such  utter  mistake 
as  to  lose  one's  temper,  one's  nerve,  one's  com- 
posure, in  company.  Society  may  be  a  false 
condition  of  things,  but,  whatever  its  faults,  it 
demands  of  a  woman  the  very  high  virtues  of 
self-command,  gentleness  and  composure,  polite- 
ness, coolness  and  serenity.  Good  manners  are 
said  to  be  the  shadows  of  virtues ;  they  are 
virtues.     To  be  polite  is  a  virtue  of  the  highest. 

One  of  the  greatest  trials  of  a  hostess  is  to  find 
that  her  good  dinner  is  kept  waiting.  It  is  a 
good  plan  to  invite  people  for  a  half  hour  earlier 
than  the  dinner  is  really  to  be  served,  for  that 
allows  for  the  difference  of  watches  and  the  well- 
known  want  of  punctuality  of  certain  fashion- 
able women.  There  is  no  greate?-  compliment 
than  this  same  punctuality ;  it  is  the  "courtesy  of 
kings."  Queen  Victoria  and  the  Prince  of  Wales 
never  keep  anybody  waiting. 

But  in  our  fashionable  society  there  is  a  great 
want  of  punctuality.  Those  same  women  who 
dare  to  be  haughty  hostesses  are  always  late  at 
other  people's  dinners.  It  is  the  same  audacity, 
impertinence,  rudeness,  which  makes  the  hostess 
haughty  that  also  makes  her  late. 


178  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OE   MANNERS. 

The  amiable  hostess  bears  the  ruin  of  her  fish 
and  soup  with  equanimity.  She  smiles  and  bows 
as  graciously  when  a  late  comer  enters,  buttoning 
her  gloves,  as  when  she  sees  Mrs.  Earlybird  enter. 
Mrs.  Earlybird,  all  beautifully  dressed,  enters  the 
room  just  as  the  clock  strikes  seven.  She  is 
cheerful,  chatty  and  pleased,  and  makes  her  host 
and  hostess  feel  perfectly  satisfied  with  their  en- 
tertainment. The  party  begins  when  Mrs.  Early- 
bird  gets  there.  What  wonder  that  she  has  more 
invitations  than  she  can  accept,  from  October  to 
June  ?    What  wonder  that  she  is  so  popular  ? 

Mrs.  Heavyfeather.  on  the  contrary,  is  aston- 
ished that,  with  all  her  spending  of  money, 
and  her  old  family,  and  her  grand  house 
and  her  fine  clothes,  and  her  frequent  en- 
tertainments, she  is  not  asked  to  the  little 
dinners,  the  pleasant  small  feasts.  She  is  sad 
over  her  want  of  popularity.  Does  she  know 
that  she  is  a  haughty  hostess,  giving  a  very 
cold  forefinger  to  half  her  guests,  while  she  is 
very  warm  and  cordial  to  the  other  half  ?  Does 
she  know  that  her  face  assumes  an  entirely 
different  expression  when  she  speaks  to  Mrs. 
Oldbones  from  what  it  wears  when  Mrs.  Nouveau 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.  179 

Riche  appears?  Mrs.  Heavyfeather  despises  a 
great  portion  of  the  human  family.  She  does  not 
like  any  one  who  cannot  radiate  some  sort  of 
importance  upon  her. 

Why,  then,  does  she  invite  them  v  There  is  the 
illogical  part  of  it.  Mrs.  Heavyfeather  knows 
that,  to  be  a  success,  her  party  must  be  very 
crowded.  To  be  a  success  she  must  have  not 
only  nobs,  but  snobs.  She  wants  to  bow  low  to 
the  nobs,  and  to  patronize  the  snobs.  It  Is  a 
part  of  her  ignoble  nature  to  do  both  ;  and  she 
likes  to  assure  Mrs.  Nouveau  Riche,  with  a  very 
mutilated  bow,  that  she  hopes,  "  really,  that  she 
is  very  well — indeed,  quite  well !" 

To  patronize  is  a  very  great  necessity  to  some 
natures.  There  is  not  much  opportunity  for 
the  exercise  of  it  in  a  land  where  all  men 
are  free  and  equal  —  but  there  is  some. 
A  haughty  hostess  deprives  herself  of  her  own 
Inheritance.  Every  one  wishes  to  feel  kindly 
to  the  woman  who  asks  him  to  her  house. 
There  is  something  very  gracious  in  the  act ;  and 
a  man  comes  prepared  to  make  himself  agreeable, 
and  a  woman  hopes  to  both  be  received  graciously 
and  to  appear  pleasantly.     If  the  hostess  throws 


180  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

a  bucket  of  cold  water  over  them  by  her  cold, 
frigid  and  inhospitable  manner,  both  men  and 
women  wish  that  they  had  stayed  away. 

English  women  have  great  pride  of  birth,  and 
are  by  nature  and  education  haughty.  They 
know  their  importance,  and  they  receive,  from 
childhood,  a  certain  homage  from  their  in- 
feriors. The  cottager  bows  as  he  passes,  and  the 
cottager's  wife  drops  a  courtesy  to  the  lady  of  the 
great  house.  The  servants  are  infinitely  respect- 
ful, as  they  would  be  turned  out  without  a  char- 
acter instantly  if  they  were  not.  All  this  tends 
to  give  an  air  of  haiUeur  and  dignity  to  an  Eng- 
lish lady,  as  she  is  always  made  aware  of  her  own 
importance.  But  they  are  generally  charming 
hostesses — they  learn  it  as  an  art.  They  are 
taught  early  the  great  duties  and  the  responsibili- 
ties of  a  hostess.  They  are  taught  how  to  re- 
ceive, how  to  make  people  welcome,  how  to  be 
the  head  of  the  house  and  the  core  of  welcome. 
No  one  would  care  to  hear,  in  an  English  country 
house,  that  Lady  Amabel  had  made  herself 
disagreeable.  Neither  the  Duke,  her  father,  nor 
the  Earl,  her  husband,  would  ever  forgive  her  if 
she  had  made  the  country  Member's  wifa  un- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  181 

happy  or  had  neglected  the  curate.  "  Noblesse 
oblige  "  is  written  over  those  stately  castle  walls. 
English  hostesses  are  far  more  to  be  depended 
upon  than  American  hostesses,  who,  in  the 
midst  of  great  wealth,  and  with  every  means  of 
entertaining,  are  often  rude,  neglectful  and  very 
dull,  because,  perhaps,  they  have  no  instinct  of 
hospitality  and  no  sort  of  knowledge  of  their 
duties. 

We  would  advise  every  young  American  hos- 
tess to  study  well  the  art  of  being  a  model  one. 
She  should  improve  herself  upon  all  subjects  of 
etiquette  ;  she  should  especially  create  for  herself 
a  cordial  and  polite  manner  ;  she  should  try  to  be 
as  serene  as  a  summer's  day,  and  to  keep  all  that 
troubles  her  out  of  sight.  If  she  entertains,  she 
should  remember  that  her  guests  are  before  her- 
self, and  that  her  house  is  theirs.  She  Aoes  not 
give  a  party  to  herself,  but  to  them.  Above  all, 
let  her  avoid  the  vulgarity  of  stooping  low  to 
her  rich  or  titled  guests,  while  she  snubs  the 
rustic  clergyman  from  the  country.  If  there  is 
a  plain  and  modest  person  in  the  room,  let  her 
especially  direct  her  kindness  to  that  obscure 
corner  where  he  stands.     Noblesse  oblige .' 


182  THE   AMERICAiJ  CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

THE   ETIQUETTE   OF   CARDS. 

A  CARD  is  the  beginning  and  the  end 
of  etiquette.  Ic  is  the  Alpha  and 
Omega  of  all  social  intercourse.  It  is  the 
first  introduction,  and  the  final  leave-taking. 
Those  little  pieces  of  white  paste-board,  if 
imperishable,  will  in  their  amount,  their  many 
mscriptions,  puzzle  the  New  Zealander,  who 
disinters  New  York  after  4,000  years,  as  we 
are  now  examining  old  Egypt.  What  are  they  ? 
will  be  the  question.  What  do  they  repre- 
sent? *  Was  it  the  money  of  that  strange 
people  ?"  will  ask  the  Brugsch  Bey  of  the  future. 

Indeed,  the  card  business  multiplies  itself  so 
infinitely,  that  a  wit  once  suggested  that  there 
should  be  a  "clearing  house"  for  cards,  where 
Mr.  Brown  and  Mr.  Smith  and  Mr.  Jones  should 
leave  their  cards  for  each  other  on  the  first  day 
of  November,  and  by  this  interchange,  carefully 
managed  by  clerks,  escape  all  the  ennui  of  leaving 
cards  during  the  year.     The  idea  is  a  good  one, 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     183 

nnfdrtunately  impracticable,  as  the  sentiment  of 
personal  attention  lingers  around  the  card  still. 

The  card  should  be  a  plain  piece  of  white  card- 
board, not  glazed,  and  the  name  should  be 
engraved  in  script.  Some  people  still  cling  to 
old  Roman  letters,  t»  old  English,  and  now 
and  then  a  fac-sLrdle  of  the  handwriting. 
These  are  not  in  the  highest  fashion,  which 
reduces  all  things  to  the  simplest  form. 
A  lady's  card  should  be  larger  than  that  of  a  gen- 
tleman, and  should  have  her  full  addre^p,  and 
her  residence  in  the  left-hand  corner,  unless  she 
wishes  to  use  her  card,  as  she  often  does,  for  in- 
\itation.s  to  teas  and  small  parties.  Gentlemen's 
cards  almost  invariably,  in  England,  have  the 
address  in  the  left-hand  corner. 

In  leaving  cards,  the  lady  of  the  house  leaves 
her  own,  her  husband's,  and  those  of  her  sons 
and  daughters  who  are  out,  on  families  whom 
she  knows  or  wishes  to  know.  If  this  is  a  first 
call,  the  civility  should  be  returned  within  a  week. 

In  giving  an  entertainment,  a  lady  incloses  her 
hu.sband's  card  to  all  who  are  invited  for  the  firs* 
time.  It  is  equivalent  to  a  call  on  his  part.  In 
callini^,   after   a   dinner  or  party,  the  lady  also 


184  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MAJTNERS. 

leaves  her  husband's  card,  as  he,  in  this  country, 
is  almost  always  too  busy  to  make  calls. 

First  invitations  should  always  be  responded 
to  courteously,  cards  left,  and  a  proper  recogni- 
tion of  the  civility,  even  if  the  invited  guests  do 
not  wish  to  keep  up  the  acquaintance.  It  often 
happens  to  those  who  have  a  very  large  ac- 
quaintance, and  who  have  met  with,  per- 
haps, adversity  or  sorrow  of  some  kind,  that 
they  cannot  enlarge  their  acquaintance  easily. 
Let  it  be  then  manifested  carefully  and  with 
true  attention  to  the  feelings  of  those  who 
invite  you,  that  you  are  obliged  and  compli- 
mented by  their  manifest  kindness,  even  if  you 
cannot  avail  yourself  of  it.  To  return  a  card,  or 
to  say  "This  has  been  sent  by  mistake,"  and 
other  so-called  mubs,  which  have  heretofore  been 
perpetrated  in  New  York,  is  to  write  yourself 
down  a  "  snob"  and  a  vulgar  person. 

The  younger  should  call  on  the  elder.  The 
new-comer  has  a  perfect  right  to  send  his  cards 
to  the  old  resident.  The  sending  of  a  card  hurts 
no  one's  self-respect,  and  if  it  is  not  returned  no 
one  is  killed.  The  natural  delicacy  of  every  sen- 
sible  person  will  prevent  his  intrusion  upon  a 


I 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     186 

social  queen,  whose  position  is  so  very  well 
known  to  be  of  the  highest  that  she  can  discern 
from  her  lofty  station  whom  she  wishes  to  know, 
and  whose  visiting  list  is  probably  over  full. 
Two  persons,  however,  who  are  upon  the  same 
social  plane  need  never  fear  to  call  first.  It  is 
generally  regarded  as  a  compliment,  and  the 
person  who  has  the  most  perfect  self-respect  is 
generally  the  one  to  do  it. 

The  custom  of  making  universal  morning  calls 
has  become  impossible  in  New  York  ;  therefore 
most  ladies  have  a  day,  or  three  receptions,  or  a 
tea,  thus  allowing  all  their  friends  to  see  them 
once  a  year.  If  impossible  to  go  to  see  them  on 
these  occasions,  send  a  card  for  every  member  of 
the  family  invited,  and  your  duty  to  that  lady  is 
over  for  the  season. 

No  lady  leaves  her  own  card  upon  a  gentle- 
man. She  sends  the  card  of  her  husband  and 
son,  if  she  chooses,  and  then  asks  him  to  dinner, 
if  such  a  civility  be  necessary. 

When  young  ladies  leave  their  mother's  card, 
there  is  the  same  respect  expressed  as  if  the 
mother  called  in  person.  Many  ladies  who  are 
elderly,  or  invalid,  or  devote,  or  otherwise  disin- 


186  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAJfNERS. 

clined  to  social  labors,  leave  all  this  work  for 
the  younger,  who  are  fresh  and  strong.  It  is  a 
great  pity  that  so  many  American  mothers  do 
retire  from  the  social  governance  of  their 
families :  but,  if  they  do,  the  card  is  still  all- 
potent,  and  the  lady  visited  must  consider  her- 
self visited  by  the  lady  of  the  other  house. 

Cards  should  always  be  left  for  guest^  visiting 
at  a  house,  if  the  lady  calling  knows  of  their 
presence.  This,  of  coarse,  in  a  large  city,  is  not 
always  possible  :  but,  if  possible,  it  is  very  civil. 

P.  P.  C.  cards  are  no  longer  left  or  sent  when 
people  are  simply  leaving  town  for  the  summer. 
Indeed,  only  when  a  prolonged  trip  abroad  is 
proposed  is  the  custom  ever  observed.  The 
bridge  across  the  Atlantic  is  now  so  short  and 
easy  a  one  that  few  people  consider  it  neces- 
sary to  mention  that  they  propose  crossing  it. 
They  are  always  in  order  if  a  foreigner  is 
leaving  a  country  where  he  has  been  a  visitor. 
Indeed,  a  fashionable  woman,  on  coming  in 
from  her  afternoon  drive,  reads  the  cards 
on  her  hall  table  as  a  merchant  reads  his 
day-book  or  ledger.  It  is  her  debit  and  credit 
account.    It  is  a  record  of  her  social  bankruptcy 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     187 

or  her  soundness.  Some  ladies  have  so  large  an 
acquaintance  that  they  go  to  protest  at  once,  and 
hope  that  by  giving  some  receptions  next  winter, 
etc.,  they  may  pay  their  debts ;  others  have  so 
small  a  one  that  they  are  always  creditors  and 
never  debtors.  For  all,  the  little  white  messen- 
ger, engraved  with  a  name,  is  the  ready-money 
of  society. 

In  Europe  calls  are  returned  in  twenty-four 
hours.  There  are  no  exceptions  to  this  rule,  and 
often  a  titled  foreigner,  or  a  quiet  gentleman 
from  Oxford,  or  a  diplomatist,  is  startled  and 
wounded  because  his  card  is  not  returned  imme- 
diately. Here  Americans  should  be  more  partic- 
ular about  this,  and  the  formalities  of  dress 
should  be  observed.  An  American  general  was 
thought  to  be  intentionally  rude  once,  in  Europe, 
because  he  returned  the  call  of  another  general 
in  his  traveling  dress.  He  thought  it  all  right ;  he 
had  called  or  not  as  he  pleased  in  America,  in  a 
new  or  an  old  coat,  the  subject  of  etiquette  had 
never  engaged  any  of  his  personal  attention ; 
but  it  is  the  observance  of  these  formalities 
which  makes  society  polished  and  possible.  Were 
there  not  some  such  laws  society  would  be  full 


188     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

of  careless  men  and  boors,  and  would  relapse 
into  savagery.  Men  should  always  dress  for  din- 
ner, and  should  never  call  on  a  lady  in  the  even- 
ing in  the  season  unless  in  dress  coat  and  white 
cravat,  with  feet  neatly  dressed.  A  black  cravat 
is  permissible  if  a  gentleman  is  in  mourning. 

•*  If  a  gentleman  does  not  respect  me  suflBciently 
to  dress  himself  freshly  before  he  calls  on  me  I 
do  not  wish  to  see  him,"  said  a  lady  of  immense 
popularity  in  New  York,  and  she  absolutely  made 
the  law  of  her  salon  peremptory,  as  all  ladies 
should. 

As  for  "  watering-place  etiquette,"  it  has  never 
been  settled,  and  never  will  be.  People  who 
know  each  other  will  nod  and  exchange  visits 
at  neighboring  villas  and  boarding  houses  and 
hotels  if  they  wish,  or  neglect  it  if  they  wish. 
There  is  no  law  about  it.  If  a  stranger  arrives 
it  is  very  proper  to  send  a  card,  and  to  make  the 
acquaintance,  if  a  lady  has  been  staying  a  long 
time  in  the  hotel. 

If  Mrs.  Oldbones  receives  a  card  from  anybody 
in  her  hotel  she  is  bound,  after  suitable  inquiries 
as  to  the  respectability  of  the  parties,  to  return 
it,     She  need  not  know  the  people    intimately 


THE  AMBRICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS,     189 

afterward,  but  she  should  always  recognize  the 
civility. 

Cards  should  be  left  in  person  on  hearing 
of  illness,  or  the  death  of  a  friend,  or  any 
trouble  which  society  can  sympathize  with, 
whether  at  home  or  at  a  watering  place.  Good 
nature,  kindness  of  heart  being  the  foundation  of 
good  manners,  they  should  always  be  the  expo- 
nents of  these  feelings,  whenever  and  wherever 
they  may  be  called  upon  to  express  themselves. 

When  a  gentleman  becomes  engaged  to  a  lady 
he  must  inform  all  his  own  family  and  particular 
friends,  and  ask  them  to  call  upon  her.  The 
sooner  this  duty  is  performed  the  better  the  deed. 
No  gentleman  should  ever  notice  or  receive  as  his 
friends  again  those  who  fail  to  pay  this  attention 
to  his  betrothed. 

No  lady  should,  however,  presume  on  her  en- 
gagement to  a  gentleman  to  call  on  his  friends. 
She  must  wait  to  be  invited. 

A  New  Year's  call  used  to  be  considered 
enough  in  old  New  York  for  the  whole  year's 
civilities,  but  that  fashion  has,  owing  to  the  size 
of  the  city,  become  obsolete,  and  few  ladie?!  r*^- 
ceive. 


190  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

If  a  card  is  printed  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Brown,'' 
one  should  be  left  on  the  lady  with  the  corner 
turned  down  if  she  is  not  receiving,  and  an- 
other, with  "Mr.  John  Brown"  only,  for  the 
husband.  The  one  card  of  "Mr.  John  Brown" 
is  enough  for  all  the  younger  members  of  the 
family.  If  cards  are  left  once  in  the  season  they 
need  not  be  left  again,  excepting  after  an  invita- 
tion to  dinner,  or  to  a  ball  or  party.  It  is  not 
necessary  to  leave  cards  after  a  tea. 

It  was  once  considered  an  intentional  rudeness 
if  a  lady  gave  out  that  she  received  on  Thursdays 
for  people  to  call  on  any  other  day  or  to  leave  a 
card  otherwise  than  personally,  or  to  send  a  card 
by  mail.  But  in  a  great  city  these  rules  become 
moperative,  for  no  lady  can  fulfill  all  her  duties 
in  person.  The  only  insult  which  a  society  per- 
son is  bound  to  resent  is  the  persistent  ignoring 
of  these  rules.  A  card  sent  by  mail  is  now 
recognized  as  an  attention,  ladies  having  found 
that  the  distances,  the  engagements  and  the 
carriage  hire  will  not  permit  of  their  making  all 
their  calls. 

If  a  gentleman  is  invited  by  a  lady  to  call  upon 
her,  he  should  call  within  a  week.     He  is  not  to 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  191 

be  forgiven  if,  after  being  invited,  he  does  not 
call  at  least  within  a  month.  Some  New  York 
young  gentlemen  never  call,  but  go  on  receiving 
and  accepting  invitations  for  years.  Some  kind 
friend  should,  at  least,  leave  cards  for  them  in 
such  oases. 

When  young  ladies  are  betrothed  in  Europe, 
the  fiance  is  regularly  introduced  to  all  of  his 
bride's  family  by  card.  This  is  not  done  here, 
nor  are  visits  of  congratulation  en  regie.  They 
are  paid,  however,  by  the  members  of  the  family 
and  the  intimate  friends,  and  generally  a  number 
of  little  dinners  follow. 

The  conduct  of  engaged  people  toward  each 
other  is  nowise  regulated  here  as  in  Europe,  but 
it  may  be  said  generally  that  they  should  not  be 
seen  alone  together  at  watering  places  too  much, 
should  not  display  fondness  in  public,  and  should 
not  render  other  people  uncomfortable. 

Calling  hours  in  New  York  are  from  two  o'clock 
until  six,  and,  unless  expressly  stated  on  a  lady's 
card,  one  can  consider  these  hours  respectful  to 
her.  If  she  issues  a  card  as  being  at  home  be- 
tween four  and  six,  it  is  the  height  of  rudeness  to 
call  earlier. 


192  THE   A3IBRICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

If,  by  any  chance,  a  lady  is  admitted  to  a  draw- 
ing-room by  a  stupid  servant,  and  the  lady  of  the 
house  finds  it  inconvenient  to  receive,  the  lady 
calling  should  not  feel  offended  if  she  is  told  so. 
A  hostess  may  be  lying  down,  or  ill  with  a  head- 
ache, or  may  be  very  busy,  or  she  may  fear  to 
keep  her  guest  waiting  while  she  dresses. 
She  has,  perhaps,  instructed  her  servant  to  say 
that  she  is  engaged,  but  he  has,  no  doubt,  for- 
gotten that ;  so  she  is  very  awkwardly  placed.  A 
message  civilly  worded  should  never  offend. 

A  card  should  never  be  left  by  a  young  gentle- 
men for  a  young  lady  without  also  including  one 
for  her  mother ;  or,  rather,  he  should  first  inquire 
for  her  mother,  and,  if  possible,  the  mother 
should  assist  her  daughter  to  receive.  Calls  made 
on  a  reception  day  do  not  require  separate 
calls  afterward,  nor  need  a  gentleman  leave 
but  one  card  behind  him  on  such  a  day. 
Indeed,  the  habit  of  leaving  a  dozen  cards  was  so 
overdone  by  one  yoimg  gentleman,  that  a  little 
boy  of  the  family  collected  them  together  and 
handed  them  all  back  to  him.  There  is  such  a 
thing  as  being  too  polite. 

It  is  a  very  common  practice  now  with  people 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     19o 

who  hold  their  position  in  society  somewhat  by 
virtue  of  assumption,  rather  than  by  any  merit, 
to  give  a  ball  or  a  reception,  and,  while  inviting 
half  their  most  desirable  acquaintances  to  the 
ball,  simply  send  their  visiting  card  to  the  other 
half.  This  is  an  unkind  thing  to  do — a  rudeness. 
It  would  be  much  better  to  omit  the  visiting- 
card.  The  return  for  such  a  mutilated  civility 
would  properly  be  a  card  by  post,  if,  indeed,  any 
notice  should  be  taken  of  it  at  all. 

As  for  weddings  in  church,  tliere  is  a  question. 
Where  shall  the  cards  be  sent  ?  How  often  are 
we  asked  to  see  a  couple  married  in  church  when 
we  neither  know  the  bride's  mother  nor  the  fu- 
ture address  of  the  married  pair  ?  Shall  we  leave 
cards  with  the  sexton  ?  It  is  impossible  to  call 
on  a  bride  until  she  sends  her  married  address. 

A  lady  often  uses  her  visiting  card  as  the  me- 
dium for  an  invitation.  The  ''  four-o'clock  tea  " 
is  almost  always  given  thus  informally,  while  all 
should  call  personally  and  leave  a  card  who  can. 
There  should  be  a  wide  forgiveness  for  those  who 
are  obliged  to  send  their  cards  by  post  or  by  a 
servant.  The  principle  of  politeness  remains  the 
same. 


194  THE   AMEBICAK    CODE   OF   MAKNBR8. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

FLIRTATION     AND     INCREASING     FASTNESS    OF 
MANNER. 

IN  our  American  Code  of  Manners  we  cannot 
afford  to  paint  merely  one  side  of  the  shield  ; 
we  must  look  at  the  dark  as  well  as  at  the  light 
side ;  we  must  ignore  nothing.  And  the  melan- 
choly truths — the  facts  which  tell  against  us  as  a 
nation — must  be  recognized  if  we  hope  to  improve 
or  to  gain  any  credence  for  our  opinions  on  what 
is  proper  in  the  subjects  which  we  are  con- 
sidering. 

It  is,  therefore,  absurd  to  deny  the  facts  before 
us.  Flirtation  is  more  openly  indulged  in  by  mar- 
ried women,  even  those  who  are  old  enough  to 
have  grown-up  daughters,  than  ever  before,  and 
fastness  of  manner  is  certainly  rapidly  on  the  in- 
crease. Whatis  worse,  it  often  assists  a  woman  to 
succeed,  and  has  been  the  cause  of  the  up- 
lifting (if  it  may  be  so  called)  of  several  women 
to  the  peerage  of  England,  and  to  other  positions 
of  power  and  fashion. 


THE  AMERICAN   OODB  OF  MAIfNBRS,  195 

It  is  very  well  known  that  several  women  have 
risen  to  high  positions  in  New  York  society — they 
would  not  have  been  heard  of  else— by  their  so- 
called  '*  flirtations"  with  fashionable  men. 

The  performances  of  several  fast  girls  in  New 
York,  now  somewhat  conspicuously  married  in 
Europe,  the  success  of  one  or  two  married  women 
gifted  with  beauty  and  talent  and  blessed  with  a 
serene  indifference  to  decency — these  are  all  facts 
which  we  have  before  us,  and  from  which  we 
must  sagely  draw  conclusions. 

Innocent  young  women,  pretty,  and  naturally 
desirous  of  admiration,  look  at  these  women- 
wonder  and  admire.  Unfortunately,  too,  they 
copy  them— sometimes  with  great  talent  and  suc- 
cess, sometimes  awkwardly,  and  these  failures  be- 
come only  laughing-stocks.    . 

This  tendency  of  short-sighted  people  to  gain 
advantages  somehow — honestly  if  they  can,  but  to 
get  the  thing  desired — is  the  oldest  mistake  in  the 
world. 

It  is  the  mistake  of  the  gambler,  who  gains  in 
an  hour  the  fortune  which  a  hard-working  man 
may  pant  after  for  years  in  vain.  It  is  the  mis- 
take of  the  superticial  in  every  profession. 


196  THE   AMEBIC A>-   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Quackery  succeeds  where  modest  merit  fails  in 
more  professions  than  that  of  medicine. 

In  regard  to  American  etiquette  this  mistake 
has  been  most  prejudicial.  We  had  no  Queen  to 
do  what  Queen  Victoria  has  just  done. 

When  the  Prince  of  Wales  asked  for  Windsor 
Castle  that  he  might  entertain  his  friends  for  a 
week  after  the  Ascot  races,  the  Queen  demanded 
a  list  of  his  visitors.  When  this  was  refused,  she 
very  properly  shut  the  gates  of  Windsor  Castle  in 
the  face  of  the  Prince  .and  his  hangers-on- 
American  and  English.  She  knew  very  well 
that  he  intended  to  invite  a  set  of  fast  American 
and  other  favorites  of  his  whom  she  would  not 
admit  at  her  drawing-room. 

The  gloomy  Queen  deserves  this  tribute  of  per- 
petual respect — she.  does  mean  to  keep  her  Court 
a  decent  one.     Much  honor  to  her  for  it. 

Flirtation  thus  being  one  of  the  high  roads  to 
fashionable  notoriety,  and,  falling  in  with  the 
elderly  vanity  and  egotism  of  silly  women,  we 
may  not  be  surprised  to  see  the  woman  of  fifty 
assuming  the  graces  of  sixteen,  and  occupying 
the  corridors  and  piazzas  of  watering-place  hotels 
with  feeble  attendant  swains.     It  is  a  melancholy 


THE   iLMEBICiLN  CODE   OF   MANTTEBS.  197 

spectacle  to  those  who  desire  to  respect  or  love 
the  woman,  particularly  to  her  sons  and  daughters. 
But  her  end  is  gained  if  somebody  says :  "  Oh, 
Mrs.  Feathercap  is  such  a  very  fascinating 
woman  to  gentlemen  !"  She  dresses,  poses,  and 
lives  painfully,  to  reach  this  goal,  and  becomes 
the  worst  model  for  her  young  countrywomen  to 
follow. 

Flirtation  among  the  young  is  forgiven,  because 
it  is  very  like  the  best  and  noblest  event  of 
human  life — a  true  and  honest  love  affair.  It  is 
a  very  good  artificial  rose — very  like  a  real 
one ;  therefore  we  pref «r  it.  Youth  and  high 
spirits  being  good  things  to  have,  we  forgive 
their  excesses  and  pardon  their  follies.  There  is 
no  doubt  that  a  coquettish  and  flirtatious  girl, 
however,  although  she  may  become  very  fashion- 
able, the  reigning  belle  and  the  toast,  is  danger- 
ously periling  her  chances  for  a  good  marriage  by 
her  habits  of  freebootery.  No  man  cares  to  marry 
a  free  lance.  Let  her  catch  her  fish,  land  him 
safely,  and  then,  as  a  young  married  woman, 
let  her  go  in  and  win  as  a  married  flirt.  She 
will  gain  a  fashionable  position  and  a  detestable 
reputation. 


198  THE   AMBRICAN   CODE  OF  MANNEBS. 

Such  are  some  of  the  evils  of  a  society  which 
is,  as  a  German  Minister  at  Washington  described 
it,  " aU  scrabble.^ ^  To  scrabble  for  a  position,  an 
invitation,  a  fortune,  an  heiress,  a  "  good  match," 
is  the  natural  destiny  of  a  young  American  who 
has  everything  to  gain  and  nothing  to  lose.  There 
is  nothing  to  reverence,  to  look  up  to,  socially. 
Every  man  (and  woman)  carries  the  god  whom  he 
would  serve  in  his  own  bosom.  He  must  be  lofty, 
mean,  generous,  grand,  low,  honest,  or  the  re- 
verse,/or  himself.  He  has  no  precedents  of  nobil- 
ity, as  to  manners — no  standard  ;  he  is  his  own 
ancestor. 

The  excellent  common  sense  of  the  American, 
the  natural  respect  for  law  and  order,  has  placed 
the  American  gentleman  in  the  past  at  the  very 
head  of  etiquette,  has  given  him  grave  and  admir- 
able manners  ;  and  thousands  of  American  wo- 
men have  been  ladies  in  the  highest  sense  of  the 
word,  from  innate  refinement  and  purity.  But 
particularly  since  our  war,  and  the  sudden 
making  of  great  fortunes,  the  coming  up  of 
new  people  from  every  part  of  the  country,  we 
do  see  a  lamentable  break  in  the  refinement  of 
manners  and  in  the  correctness  of  conduct  of 


Tffil  AMBBIOAH  OODB  OF  MANNBRS.  109 

American  women.  They  not  only  outrage  eti- 
quette, but  they  are  applauded  for  so  doing. 

Such,  of  course,  is  the  criticism  upon  that  por- 
tion of  our  society  known  as  the  ultra-fashionable. 
'<  Do  not,"  said  an  English  gentleman— himself  of 
the  highest  aristocracy—"  do  not  consider  the  pro- 
fessional beauties,  and  the  fast  women  who  com- 
pose the  set  of  the  Prince  of  Wales,  as  types  of 
English  society.  They  are  the  fungi  which  grow 
on  the  old  oak.  When  the  Prince  becomes  king 
he  will  kick  the  whole  fabric  of  fashionable  fast- 
ness out-of-doors." 

It  would  be  well  if  we  could  look  forward 
to  the  day  when  any  such  regeneration  would 
come  to  us.  But  we  have  no  royal  breath  to 
blow  the  bubble  away.  It  is  to  be  feared  that 
these  are  the  setters  of  a  fashion  which  may  last 
for  years. 

Now  let  us  look  at  the  results  of  such  manners 
and  such  morality. 

We  all  know  that  if  a  gambler  makes  a  large 
fortune  and  attempts  to  enter  society  what  a  cer- 
tain ostracism  awaits  him.  He  cannot  be  elected 
to  a  club  ;  no  lady  will,  if  she  has  any  respect  for 
herself,  invite  him  to  a  ball  at  her  own  house. 


300  THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

He  is  a  tabooed  man,  and  the  wealth  he  holds 
carries  a  curse  with  it. 

Now,  what  sort  of  a  fate  accompanies  the  fast 
girl  who  has  married  for  money  or  place,  has 
misbehaved  herself,  and  has  become  a  divorcee, 
even  if  she  marries  an  earl  ? 

Can  she,  even  in  that  lofty  station,  get  away 
from  her  shame  ?  Can  she  travel  to  any  city,  or 
country,  or  solitude,  where  her  crime  is  not 
known  ?  There  is  a  brand  on  her  forehead  Which 
the  coronet  cannot  hide.  Anonymous  letters 
follow  her.  Her  eyes  glance  furtively  about  the 
Casino,  the  Koursaal,  the  concert-room,  the  hotel, 
to  see  if  those  who  knew  her  when  innocent  are 
looking  now  !  The  man  who  has  married  her  is 
watching  her  furtively,  for  who  can  trust  such  a 
woman  ?  Splendid  misery  ! — the  worst  kind  of 
misery  is  her  portion.  Do  not  envy  such  a 
coimtess,  young  women  of  America !  nor  copy 
her  flirtation  or  her  fastness.  Her  glory  is  noth- 
ing but  ashes. 

Remember,  too,  looking  at  the  subject  from 
the  low  standpoint  of  self-interest,  that  a 
copy  is  never  so  good  as  the  original.  Perhaps 
this   so-called   successful   woman  has  an  extra- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  301 

ordinary  talent,  a  brilliant  wit,  a  remarkable 
fascination,  which  you  have  not.  Those  gifts 
were  but  the  ignis  fatuus  which  swamped  her ; 
yet  they  were  brilliant,  delusive,  and  led  men  on. 
You  may,  indeed,  have  those  gifts  in  being  "  fast 
and  flirtatious ;"  without  them  you  will  only 
make  a  conspicuous  failure,  and  no  one  will  say  : 
"  But  she  was,  poor  girl,  so  beautiful,  so  gifted !" 
No,  they  will  simply  say:  "She  was  such  a 
dreadful  fool !" 

No  success  which  is  not  honestly  gained  is 
worth  a  pin.  If  it  is  money,  it  stings;  if  it  is 
place  and  position,  it  becomes  the  shirt  of  Nessus. 

But  for  the  well-mannered  and  well-behaved 
American  woman,  what  a  noble  success,  what 
a  perfect  fame,  what  a  delightful  future !  She 
is  the  present  and  the  future  of  American 
nobility.  All  men  bow  down  to  her.  She  is  the 
queen  of  the  man  who  loves  her ;  he  treats  her 
with  every  respect.  She  is  to  be  the  proud 
mother  of  sons  and  daughters  who,  to  their 
latest  day,  will  say  :  "Let  me  be  a  gentleman, 
let  me  be  a  lady,  for  my  mother  taught  me  how 
to  be  one.  It  was  she  who  taught  me  honor, 
loyalty,  duty,  respect,  politeness,   kindness,  the 


202  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MANNERS. 

law  of  love.  Let  me  aspire  to  be  what  my  mother 
was,  and  I  need  not  fear  to  present  myself  at  any 
court.  I  can  read  of  Sir  Philip  Sidney  without  a 
blush.  I  can  make  myself  a  tjnpe  of  all  that  is 
perfect  in  etiquette  and  breeding  if  I  but  re- 
member her  maxims  and  her  example." 

Will  that  be  the  self-communing  of  the  children 
of  yonder  countess  ?  No  !  they  will  color  with 
guilty  shame  when  her  name  is  mentioned.  She 
has  thrown  away  the  divine  right  which  a 
mother  has — or  should  have — to  the  respect  of 
her  children. 

An  American  woman,  therefore,  has  more 
reason  for  being  not  only  good,  but  elegant  and 
refined  than  any  other  woman.  She  has  to  make 
precedent  and  public  opinion.  She  has  a  patriotic 
reason  for  her  good  conduct.  She  is  the  Republic. 
Let  her  not  pose  to  become  that  shameless  God- 
dess of  Liberty  whom  the  French  revolutionists 
carried  about  in  a  cart ;  let  her  rather  be  that 
gentle-eyed  Madonna  whom  the  Christian  Church 
worships. 

The  institution  of  chivalry  first,  and  the  Chris- 
tian Church  afterward,  raised  woman  from  the 
lowest  position  and  placed  her  in  the  highest. 


THK  AMERICAN  COBR  OF  MANNERS.     20:*- 

She  gained  all  that  respect,  affection  and  dignity 
which  alone  can  make  her  lot  endurable.  For 
women  must  suffer  much— it  is  their  destiny. 

It  seems  impossible,  looking  at  the  question 
pliilosophically,  that  a  woman  could  willingly  go 
back  to  the  position  of  Delilah. 

Those  who  saw  the  great  actor,  Salvini,  saw 
with  him  an  excellent  actress  named  Piamonti. 
She  played  Ddilah  to  his  Samson,  and  every  one 
who  saw  her  admired  the  genius  with  which, 
when  she  came  out  into  the  crowd,  she  assumed 
the  position  and  face  and  expression  of  an  out- 
cast. 

Beautiful,  powerful,  beloved  when  with  her 
master  alone — treacherous,  fascinating  and  terri- 
ble when  she  was  shearing  his  glorious  hair— she 
became  cringing,  timorous,  like  a  hunted  animal, 
when  men  looked  at  her  in  the  crowd.  She 
kept  away  from  the  honest  women ;  their  eyes 
hurt  her  like  daggers.  She  was  like  a  blind 
person  when  a  young  girl  walked  past  her. 
Disgrace,  shame,  death  was  the  portion  of 
Delilah !  It  was  a  great  conception.  And 
yet,  if  they  did  but  know  it,  fast  and  flirta- 
tious women  are  imitating  Delilah.     Her  fasci- 


304  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANKERS. 

nation  and  treachery,  her  prostitution  of  her 
charms— this  is  what  they  copy ;  they  call  it  by 
a  different  name,  that  is  all.  They  demoralize 
every  man  who  approaches  them,  for  a  man's 
idea  of  virtue  is  that  which  a  woman  teaches 
him.  The  worst  of  men  respect,  honor  and  rever- 
ence a  strict  woman.  She  is  a  power  in  the  state, 
and  a  "thousand  liveried  angels  lackey  her."  It 
is  in  the  power  of  every  woman  to  make  some 
man,  perhaps  many  men,  good  or  bad.  She  holds 
his  salvation  in  her  hands. 

These  are  grave  reflections  for  a  book  of  eti- 
quette, but  they  are  not  unnecessary  ones. 
Etiquette  must  be  the  expression  of  the  manners 
of  a  nation— its  manners  express  its  morals. 
No  coimtry  can  have  any  pretensions  to  good 
manners  unless  the  women  are  modest  and  most 
dignified.  They  carry  in  their  gentle  hands  the 
only  rod  of  empire  to  which  American  men  will 
bow.  Let  them  remember  this,  and  try  to  do  all 
that  an  empress  should  do — be  a  model  to  look 
up  to,  a  pattern  in  every  virtue,  a  suggestion  of 
all  grace,  and,  above  all,  to  convey  a  gentle  dig- 
nity and  reserve  in  speecL.  gesture,  manner. 

American    women  talk    and   laugh   too   loud. 


•THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  205 

They  are  seldom  taught  to  speak  with  a  clear,  anti- 
nasal  voice  ;  they  are  often  boisterous,  and  even 
at  Vassar  College,  where  women  receive  a  most  ad- 
mirable education,  and  at  the  fashionable  board- 
ing-schools in  New  York,  there  is  not  enough  at- 
tention given  to  elocution  as  applied  to  ordinary 
conversation  and  reading  aloud,  that  beautiful 
art  so  much  neglected. 

The  English  are  far  ahead  of  us  in  this  ac- 
complishment of  a  beautiful  speaking  voice  and 
a  refined  intonation.  An  English  parlor-maid 
will  say,  *'  Might  I  offer  you  a  chair  ?"  in  a  voice 
which  almost  any  New  York  lady  could  envy. 
Whether  it  is  our  climate,  and  the  many  severe 
colds  which  our  ancestors  must  have  taken  on 
Plymouth  Rock,  and  which  effectually  ruined 
the  larynx  of  their  descendants,  it  is  certain 
that  the  bronchial  membrane  and  the  larynx  does 
not  respond  as  well  in  this  country  as  in  England. 
Hear  what  a  fine,  broad,  open  note  an  English- 
woman sounds  when  she  begins  to  talk  !  Sweet, 
too  !  not  discordant,  nasal,  poor,  as  are  so  many 
of  our  voices.  '•  A  low,  sweet  voice  is  an  excel- 
lent thing  in  woman,"  and  it  does  much  to  refine 
a  coarse  appearance,  if  one  is  afflicted  with  such. 


206  THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

But  American  women  are  almost  always  beau- 
tiful. It  is  only  when  the  peacock  begins  to  sing 
or  talk  that  we  discover  that  beauty  does  not 
always  strike  in.  Let  every  American  woman 
study  her  voice  and  her  elocution.  It  is  the  next 
best  thing  to  avoiding  "  flirtation  and  fast  man- 
ners." 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  207 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

THE   MANNERS  OF   YOUNG  MEN. 

u  "TXT HEN  I  despair  of  the  Republic,"  said 
f  y  an  eminent  statesman,  '*  I  look  at  an 
American  boy,  and  my  fading  hopes  reyive," 

There  are  no  young  men  in  the  world  with 
more  faultless  manners  than  the  best  American 
young  men.  Manly,  simple,  unaffected,  respect- 
ful, and  remarkably  graceful,  the  young  American 
man  is  conceded  to  be  admirable  the  world  over. 
A  graduate  of  Harvard  or  Yale,  a  cadet  from 
West  Point,  a  youth  who  has  worked  his  way  up 
from  poverty  to  good  position,  it  is  all  one,  they 
are  wonderfully  well-mannered.  There  is  some- 
thing in  the  air  of  equality  and  of  liberty  which 
is  good  for  them.  They  behave  better,  as  a  class, 
than  do  the  young  women  of  America,  for  they 
are  so  chivalrous  that  they  have  partly  spoiled 
the  women. 

Compare  a  young  American  of  eighteen  to  a 
young  Englishman  of  that  age  and  you  find 
that  the  Englishman  is  a  cub.      The  latter  is 


208     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

long  in  ripening.  He  has  not  the  ready  speech 
of  the  American,  or  his  ease,  or  his  pleas- 
ing address.  He  may  know  more,  but  he 
does  not  appear  so  well.  The  Englishman  will 
be  a  finer  man  at  sixty  than  the  American, 
but  he  is  not  half  so  attractive  in  youth. 
Compare  the  young  Frenchman  of  the  same 
age ;  he  is  not  half  so  noble.  He  tells  lies,  the 
French  boy,  which  the  American  boy  despises. 
It  is  not  considered  by  the  Latins  a  disgrace  to 
lie ;  but  the  Anglo-Saxon  abhors  a  lie. 

Ars^ne  Houssaye  says  of  a  young  Frenchman  : 
"  In  what  does  he  differ  from  a  pretty  woman  ?"* 
He  is  not  so  pretty,  and  that  is  about  all ;  in 
everything  else,  about  on  the  same  level.  His 
mind  is  occupied  about  in  the  same  way,  and 
when  he  has  thought  over  his  toilette,  his  furni- 
ture, how  to  play  his  little  parts  of  a  young  gen- 
tleman, he  is  at  the  end  of  his  chapter  of  ideas. 
I  studied  his  bachelor  neglegee,  his  pantaloons 
with  socks  attached,  his  charming  summer  coat 
with  vest  to  match,  and  the  exquisite  mauve 
cravat  which  he  wore  around  his  standing  collar, 
with  its  fresh  turned-down  points.  His  chin  is 
smooth  shaven,  but  his  ample  whiskers  are  joined 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     209 

by  his  mustache,  and  over  his  face  there  fiits,  by 
turns,  a  blase  air  and  a  look  of  self-satisfaction. 
His  hands  are  white  and  soft,  and  on  his  pink 
fingers  he  wears  a  large  ring  ;  from  time  to  time 
he  lifts  his  hands  to  let  the  blood  run  out  of  them. 
Sometimes,  by  a  mechanical  gesture,  he  carries 
them  to  his  ear,  which  is  small,  or  to  his  collar, 
a  chef  d^omvre  of  taste  and  audacity.  He  un- 
derstands his  smile  ;  he  moderates  it,  or  keeps  it 
half-way  between  ease  and  ennui.'''' 

This  is  an  admirable  picture  of  a  French  fop. 
We  have  a  few  successful  copies  in  this  country, 
but  not  many.  Our  young  men  are  manly,  busy 
and  unaffected  as  a  rule. 

No  wonder  Ars^ne  Houssaye  asks,  "  What  is  he 
good  for  ?"  as  he  pursues  this  masterly  sketch  of 
the  feeble,  vapid,  selfish  creature  whom  he 
sketches. 

"  In  my  time,"  says  he,  "  men  were  crazy  about 
politics  and  literature.  I  belonged  to  the  society 
for  the  regeneration  of  the  human  race." 

It  is  true  that  the  girlish  young  man  of  to-day 
is  a  product  unknown  in  the  past.  The  fop 
and  dandy  of  the  days  of  Count  d'Orsay  and 
Cecil   and  Lord  Byron— what  men  were  they  ? 


210     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

Poets,  sculptors  and  soldiers.  ''  The  puppies 
fight  well,"  said  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  in 
Spain. 

But  our  puppies  of  to-day— would  they  fight  V 
—could  they  write  V    No  !   a  thousand  times,  no  ! 

The  fop  of  the  nineteenth  century,  looking 
about  to  marry  money,  is  the  most  useless  and 
ridiculous  creature  in  all  the  world  v 

No  wonder  that  great  Hotspur  says  of  a  certain 
lord,  "  who  was  perfumed  like  a  milliner :" 

'"  For  he  made  me  mad 
To  see  him  shine  so  brisk  and  smell  so  sweet 
And  talk  so  like  a  waiting  gentlewoman."   ^ 

Hotspur  would  have  many  occasions  to-day  to 
thus  adjure  the  effete  popinjays,  even  in  New 
York.  But  he  would  not,  we  are  grateful  to  say, 
find  many  at  large  in  America,  nor  would  he  find 
many  "untaught  knaves — unmannerly."  The 
exception  proves  the  rule. 

The  young  men  of  our  new  country,  however, 
should  study  manners,  and  proper  dress,  and 
proper  courtesy ;  it  is  their  duty,  if  they  have 
not  already  done  so.  Their  tailors  and  their 
observation  will  tell  them  how  to  dress.  Neatness 
should  be  their  first  and  firmest  ally;  then  no 


The   AMERICAN   CODE   OP  MAN^HJRS.  211 

matter  how  plain  their  clothes.  A  young  man 
should  never  be  too  fine  for  his  work.  Coarse 
heavy  shoes  for  walking,  coarse  and  plain  clothes 
in  the  morning,  and  always  a  change  for  dinner 
and  the  evening.  Fresh  stockings  and  neat- 
looking  feet  are  indispensable,  and  clean  linen  is 
the  very  alphabet  of  gentility.  He  must  remem- 
ber to  not  intrude,  even  on  the  people  who  invite 
him  most,  to  call  always  after  an  invitation,  to 
make  his  calls  short,  ''to  suffer  himself  to  be  de- 
sired" rather  than  make  himself  common.  These 
are  the  merest  preliminaries  of  good  breeding. 
In  the  matter  of  attention  to  ladies  let  him  re- 
member Dean  Swift's  advice:  "A  man's  atten- 
tions to  a  woman  should  never  be  so  vague  as 
to  be  misunderstood,  or  /so  pronounced  as  to 
alarm."  Let  him,  if  he  wishes  to  marry  a  lady, 
go  about  it  honestly.  There  is  no  matter  so  im- 
portant as  this  in  all  etiquette,  that  a  man  ap- 
proach his  possible  bride  by  the  straight  high 
road  of  honor./  He  should  ask  her  parrents  for 
permission  to  address  her  before  he  asks  her 
own. 

And  after  the  engagement  he  must  still  remem- 
ber that  she  is  not  his.    He  must  be  careful  of 


212  THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

those  appearances  which  might  compromise  her. 
He  must  remember  that  engagements  may  be 
broken,  and  at  all  events  preserve  her  for  future 
happiness  with  another,  if  Fate  so  wills  it. 

This  is  the  duty  of  a  high-bred  and  chivalrous 
man,  such  as  most  American  men  are.  They  are 
the  noblest  men  in  the  world. 

There  are,  to  be  sure,  American  savages— men 
who  use  the  bowie-knife,  who  drink  like  the 
hippopotamus,  who  fight  duels,  play  cards,  are 
wildly,  furiously  passionate,  unsafe,  desperate. 
They  dress  like  fiends,  wearing,  perhaps,  a  con- 
glomerate of  frock  coat,  white  tie  and  broad 
Quaker  hat,  or  dress  coat  and  black  pantaloons  in 
the  morning.  They  neither  know  nor  care  for  eti- 
quette, and  yet,  what  have  these  savages  which 
foreigners  have  not  ?  Of  what  trait  can  even 
they  boast  *? 

They  have  a  respect  for  women.  Their  speech 
grows  decent,  their  manners  kind,  their  excesses 
are  restrained  if  a  woman  walks  near  them. 

It  is  a  splendid  national  peculiarity.  The 
London  rough  has  no  such  soft  spot.  He 
beats  his  women :  he  insults  all  women ;  he 
neither  fears  nor   respects   them.      As    for  the 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  213 

Frenchman,  his  external  politeness  toward  the 
heau  sexe  is  very  marked  when  he  wishes  to  pro- 
pitiate, but  his  contempt  for  them  is  always 
patent,  and  his  cruelty  is  that  of  all  weak,  selfish 
and  hideously-corrupt  creatures.  He  can  see  the 
wife  of  his  bosom  starve  with  the  greatest 
possible  complacency,  and  he  has  no  pity  on  his 
cast-ofP  lady-love.  Yet,  simply  respecting  women, 
the  American  young  man,  starting  as  he  does  in 
nine  cases  out  of  ten  from  the  soil,  having  no 
antecedents,  can,  with  a  little  attention  to  the 
recognized  code  of  etiquette,  become  the  most 
perfect  gentleman  in  the  world,  for  he  has  the 
foundation. 

His  native  respect  for  women  will  teach  him 
not  to  smoke  in  her  presence,  without  asking 
permission.  He  will  pay  all  attention  to  elderly 
people  ;  he  will  dress  himself  properly  for  all  and 
every  occasion  when  he  is  to  meet  ladies. 

Above  all  things,  he  will  restrain  any  propensity 
to  take  too  much  wine  at  dinner  on  any  festive 
occasion. 

A  man  half  drunk  is  so  ridiculous  an  animal,  so 
utterly  to  be  spumed  from  decent  society,  that  it 
seems    almost   impossible    that    he    should    be 


214  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

tolerated.  Yet  the  fault  seems  to  be  one  which 
society,  for  some  mysterious  reason,  condones, 
particularly  in  rich  young  men.  A  drunken  man 
is  so  unsafe,  he  is  so  much  a  marplot,  so 
inconvenient  and  so  disagreeable,  that  this 
is  a  defect  which  would  be  supposed  to 
be  irremediable.  Unfortunately  it  is  not  so. 
There  is  too  much  respect  for  wealth  in  this 
country.  It  buys  silence.  If  a  poor  young  man 
dared  to  appear  drunk  in  a  lady's  house,  would 
he  ever  be  asked  again  ?  Never.  If  a  millionaire 
appears  drunk,  it  is  called  a  youthful  indiscre- 
tion. 

A  certain  brutality  of  manner,  adopted  from 
the  English,  is  affected  by  some  of  our  young 
men.  They  answer  harshly,  affect  not  to  see  a 
lady  to  whom  they  owe  civilities,  and  try  to  be- 
come boors,  even  if  they  are  not.  This  style  is 
seen  much  in  men  of  mixed  blood,  perhaps  the 
half-Germans,  half -French,  half -English.  It  is  a 
very  poor  style,  and  betrays  the  snob.  It  is  not 
a  common  American  fault,  .still  it  exists.  It 
should  be  frowned  down  ;  it  is  the  fault  of 
mediocre  men. 

But,    as   Houssaye   says:      'Young    men  are 


THE  AMBRICAK  CODE  OF  MANNERS.    215 

moderate  nowadays,  even  in  their  follies.  They  axe 
afraid  of  excess  ;  they  cut  grooves  for  their  vices 
to  run  in  ;  they  are  bourgeois,  who  carefully  avoid 
fatiguing,  much  more,  exposing  themselves." 

Houssaye  does  not  believe  evidently  that  there 
are  SirPhihp  Sidneys,  "admirable  Crichtons,"  in 
these  days,  but  he  is  wrong.  A  shipwreck,  a 
battlefield,  a  field  day  in  Wall  street,  brings  them 
to  the  front.  Men  are  as  noble  as  ever ;  there  are 
as  many  heroes.  The  occasion  finds  them,  and  in 
every  newspaper  office,  every  merchant's  count- 
ing room,  in  all  the  walks  of  the  professions, 
are  the  silent  heroes.  What  a  hero  is  the  young 
doctor,  who  works  day  and  night  succoring  the 
wounded,  helping  the  sick,  tending  the  dying ! 
What  a  hero  the  young  soldier,  who  has  first  thor- 
oughly conquered  himself  !  What  a  hero  is  the 
young  bank  clerk,  preserving  his  honesty  while 
there  is  temptation  all  around  him  !  What  a  hero 
the  young  man  doing  honest  work  anywhere ! 
He  shames  the  pouncet-box  hero  ;  he  is  the  Hot- 
spur of  the  field  of  honor. 

Women  love  these  heroes.  They  are  the  men 
to  marry.  The  other  kind  do  very  well  for  the 
leadership  of  the  German,  but  the  true  women  do 


216  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

not  ca  e  for  them.  One  real  man  entering  a  draw- 
ing-room with  his  record  of  work  behind  him  will 
scare  away  the  fops  as  ghosts  retire  at  cock-crow. 

Young  men  should  avoid  boasting.  It  is  some- 
times a  great  drawback  to  the  success  of  even  a 
very  ei;ergetic  and  admirable  man  that  he  boasts. 
The  fiist  person  should  appear  but  little  in  his 
conversation.  "/"  is  a  very  good  pronoun,  but 
it  should  be  kept  in  reserve.  The  egotistical 
women  succeed  better  than  the  egotistical  men, 
but  both  are  detestable. 

A  m.tn  should  respect  the  decencies  of  life,  and 
—to  do  them  justice — most  men  do.  Women  are 
far  more  apt  to  tell  doubtful  witticisms,  to  repeat 
double  <ntendres,  than  young  men  are.  They  do 
this  from  ignorance,  no  doubt.  Old  men  sin  most 
frequcMtly  in  this  particular  ;  young  men  are  apt 
to  be  far  more  decent  than  old  men. 

The  most  fatal  mistake  that  a  young  man 
can  make  for  his  future  happiness  is  to  have 
a  seri(jus  flirtation  with  a  married  woman.  A 
thousaTid  harpies  are  abroad,  particularly  in 
New  York,  who  are  looking  out  for  young 
men  v/hom  they  can  ruin.  These  harpies  are 
in  very    good   society;    they  keep   up    appear- 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     217 

ances,  but  they  secure,  first,  a  thoughtless 
young  man's  attentions,  then  his  affections,  and 
then  they  suck  his  blood.  More  murders  are 
committed  by  these  heartless,  vain  flirts  than  by 
all  the  brigands.  They  are  the  most  monstrous 
frauds  ;  they  are  the  leeches  of  society  ;  they  are 
apples  of  Sodom.  Let  young  men  beware  of 
them.  Far  more  despicable  than  the  poor 
wretches  of  the  pave,  who  pursue  their  dreadful 
trade  at  least  openly,  these  hypocrites  are  steal- 
ing all  of  hope,  all  of  life,  all  of  virtue,  from  a 
young  man,  whom  they  attack  and  seduce  before 
the  eyes  of  his  mother  and  his  sister. 

It  is  the  most  honest,  the  most  imsuspecting 
young  man  who  falls,  generally.  If  a  man  goes 
into  such  a  flirtation  with  his  eyes  open  no  one 
cares  what  happens  to  him.  He  deserves  to  be 
shot,  and  in  all  countries  but  this  he  is  shot.  Here 
a  bloodless  duel  sometimes  takes  place  and  both 
the  principals  return  to  society,  not  at  all  hurt,  and 
the  lady  goes  on — quietly  deceiving  her  husband. 

A  young  man's  manners  and  accomplishments 
can  both  be  elegant  and  numerous  without  in- 
juring his  usefulness.  A  graceful  fellow,  who  can 
sing  a  song,  quote  poetry,  who  shows  cultivation 


318  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

in  every  word  he  utters— such  a  young  man  is  the 
most  valuable  addition  to  the  group  at  a  country 
house,  the  party  in  the  city,  and  the  lawn  tennis 
club.  He  is  sought  for  a  dinner  party ;  he  is  in- 
estimable. 

To  study  manner — to  make  that  enamel  on  solid 
gold  which  has  characterized  such  men  as  Everett. 
Motley,  Livingston,  Jay,  Bayard,  McClellan  and 
Story — is  an  admirable  study.  The  men  who  have 
influenced  their  race  have  been  men  of  fine  man- 
ners. In  spite  of  Madame  de  Remusat.  who  was 
an  ungrateful  legitimatist,  a  false  serving-woman, 
a  forgetful  and  envious  nature,  we  shall  believe 
that  Napoleon  Bonaparte  had  very  fine  manners. 
No  man  could  have  paid  such  compliments  to  his 
soldiers  as  he  did,  without  manners. 

If  manner  has  sometimes  been  a  false  enamel. 
covering  copper  instead  of  gold,  we  must  still 
admire  it.  The  graceful  and  respectful  speech, 
the  pretty  and  frank  smile,  the  courteous  bow, 
the  readiness  to  give  place— who  does  not  admire 
it  ?  In  such  cases  the  manner  covers  a  multitude 
of  sins.  We  forgive  such  a  young  man,  even  if 
from  early  want  of  training  he  should  eat  with 
his  knife  or  come  to  dinner  in  a  frock  coat. 


THE   AMERICA^f   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  219 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

REAL  AND  CONVENTIONAL  BREEDING. 

THERE  is  less  distinction  between  the  real 
and  the  conventional  in  matters  of  eti- 
quette than  in  almost  any  other  distinction  be- 
tween real  and  imitation  things,  for  breeding 
and  etiquette  are  the  outward  signs  of  an  in- 
dividual amiability  which  can  appear  in  those 
who  have  never  heard  of  etiquette. 

Thus,  a  man  who  has  never  heard  of  the 
fashion  of  eating  peas  with  his  fork,  if  individu- 
ally delicate  and  refined,  would  still  not  put  his 
knife  far  down  into  his  throat.  His  manner  of 
feeding  himself  would  be  refined  in  his  way, 
although  not  marked  by  a  polished  etiquette, 
perhaps. 

The  savage,  Osceola,  who  was  brought  to  Wash- 
ington a  prisoner,  charmed  everybody  by  the 
gentle  sweetness  of  his  manner.  He  was  a  real 
gentleman,  not  a  conventional  one.  No  doubt  he 
ate  with  his  fingers  and  wiped  them  on  his 
blanket.    He  could  scarcely   have    heard    of   a 


220  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MA>->'ERS. 

finger  bowl  in  the  Everglades.  He  had  a  refined 
nature,  however,  was  full  of  dignity,  felt  a  respect 
for  others,  and  thus  gained  the  last  grace— man 
ner — from  the  teachings  of  Nature. 

But  we  have  not  all  this  interior  assistance 
from  our  natural  faculties.  Most  human  beings 
are  selfish,  many  are  brutal  ;  very  many  are 
shame-faced,  awkward,  gawky.  It  is  for  the 
average  human  being,  who  is  all  these  or  one  of 
these  things,  that  manner  is  necessarj-,  and  for 
whom  conventional  etiquette  was  invented. 

Of  course,  the  grand  ceremonial  of  court  is  not 
real,  in  any  sense,  except  that  it  goes  to  make  up 
a  pageant.  A  state  dinner  has  many  a  weari- 
some detail,  which  must  be  totally  absurd  to  a 
savage.  The  formal  etiquette  of  a  Spanish 
duenna,  or  a  queen's  master  of  ceremonies, 
would  be  as  absurd  to  a  Chinaman  as  his  chop- 
sticks are  inconvenient  to  a  European.  But. 
with  all  that,  etiquette  must  be  learned,  as  a 
foreign  language  must  be  learned,  if  we  attempt 
to  associate  with  those  who  practice  it. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  Mr.  Everett  when  Min- 
ister to  England.  He  was  spending  an  evening 
at  the  palace,  and  was  told  that  he  was  to  play 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  221 

whist  with  the  Duchess  of  Kent.  He  said,  ip.  a 
whisper,  that  ho  did  not  know  whist  well ;  but 
the  Lord  Chamberlain  politely  bowed,  and  whis- 
pered, "  Go  through  the  form."  He  found  him- 
self with  three  old  ladies,  one  of  whom  was 
the  Queen's  mother,  and  he  did  go  througli 
the  farniji.  He  had  not  played  long  when 
he  found  that  they  knew  less  than  he  did,  so, 
with  quiet  tact,  he  played  on,  talking  occasion- 
ally, and  telling  a  good  story,  and  appearing 
so  suave  and  agreeable  that  forever  after  the 
Duchess  of  Kent  commanded  that  Mr.  Everett 
should  play  whist  with  her.  It  is  a  good  story, 
and  reflects  credit  on  our  countryman,  but  what 
a  picture  it  paints  of  the  ennui  of  a  royal  even- 
ing, and  the  necessity  for  conventional  good 
breeding. 

A  man  of  real  breeding,  and  with  total  absence 
of  conventional  breeding,  if  on  the  plains  or  in 
some  out-of-the-way  place,  being  asked  to  dine 
with  ladies,  would  make  himself  clean  and 
would  dress  himself  as  well  as  he  could  under  the 
circumstances.  He  would  perhaps  come  in  a 
hunter's  frock  and  flannel  shirt,  but  he  would 
have  ail  the  manners  of  a  dress  coat  and  white 


22r2  THE    AMERICAN    PODK    OF    MANNERS. 

nravat.  He  might  not  know  the  etiquette  of  the 
dinner-table,  but  he  would  make  up  for  it  by  his 
desire  to  be  agreeable.  A  man  of  conventimial 
breeding  might  come  in  the  most  careful  cos- 
tume, but  If  he  showed  contempt  for  hi?  com- 
pany and  his  surroundings,  he  would  be  a  snob 
— no  real  gentleman,  no  matter  how  much  he 
knew  of  etiquette. 

Thus,  we  see  that  there  is  something  better  than 
mere  etiquette. 

A  gentleman,  who  is  one  at  heart,  never  passes 
a  lady  on  a  staircase — at  a  hotel,  for  instance- 
without  raising  his  hat.  A  lady  always  acknowl- 
edges such  a  salutation.     This  is  real  breeding. 

A  conventional  breeding  is  apt  to  leave  this  un- 
done. The  mere  veneering  of  manner  which  some 
Englishmen  have,  and  which  is  but  an  excuse  to 
show  contempt,  is  not  good  breeding.  Such  men 
often  deem  themselves  the  greater  gentlemen  that 
they  dare  to  behave  brutally,  particularly  toward 
American  ladies.  They  keep  on  their  hats  and 
stare  at  a  lady.  •'  She  will  know  I  am  a  nobleman 
because  I  am  not  afraid  to  do  this  thing,""  has 
been  the  mental  reservation  of  many  such  a 
"  gentleman."* 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     228 

An  English  attache,  accustomed  from  his  birth 
to  the  best  society,  once  accepted  a  lady's  invita- 
tion to  accompany  her  to  some  teas  in  New 
York.  He  had  brought  letters  to  her,  and  she 
felt  obliged  to  pay  him  this  attention.  8he  named 
an  hour  when  he  was  to  be  at  her  house,  and  she 
took  him  thence  to  some  of  the  best  houses  in 
New  York.  He  amused  himself  by  singing  in  the 
carriage  and  by  sucking  the  head  of  his  cane.  As 
she  was  a  lady  she  could  not  show  b\^  her  manner 
that  she  was  disgusted,  but  took  him  where  she 
had  promised,  and  then  di-ove  home.  When  they 
reached  her  door  her  footman  rang  the  bell,  and 
the  young   Englishman  walked  up  to  the  door 

with  her. 

uj  say— aw— I  say— I've  had— an  awfully  nice 
time— aw.  Let's  go  together  again— aw— some 
day— don't  you  know— aw  ?" 

"  No,"  said  the  lady,  bowing  and  entering  her 
own  door.  ''  I  fear  that  your  musical  repertory  is 
exhausted.    Good-morning. ' " 

Afterward,  this  snubbed  individual— a  conven- 
tional but  not  a  real  gentleman— tried  to  apolo- 
gize: 

« I__aw— didn't  know— aw— don't  you  know— 


25i4  THE   AMBBICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

aw — that  you'd  mind  my  singing — over  here — aw 
— don't  you  know — aw — thought  you  were  pretty 
free  and  easy,  aw." 

"  Would  you  have  done  it  at  home  and  in  the 
company  of  a  duchess  ?"  said  the  lady. 

"Aw — no — duchesses — don't  you  see — awful 
swell — don't  you  know.'" 

"Remember,  then,  hereafter,"  said  the  lady, 
"that  all  American  women  are  duchesses,  and 
must  be  treated  according  to  their  rank. ' ' 

One  thing  this  gentleman  did  know,  and  that 
was  that  it  was  proper  to  sit  opposite  to  the  lady 
in  her  carriage,  and  not  by  her  side,  for  which 
piece  of  conventional  good  breeding  she  mentally 
thanked  him.  Of  this  one  piece  of  respect  she 
says  that  he  knew  how  to  behave  himself.  He 
was  intentionally  rude  and  careless  about  the 
singing. 

In  foreign  cities,  if  a  traveler  is  invited  to  din- 
ner and  has  not  the  proper  costume  with  him  iu 
which  to  attend  u  dinner,  he  writes  to  his  host, 
excusing  himself  on  that  score.  If  he  receives 
another  note,  saying  *'  We  will  gladly  receive  you 
en  costume  devoycujeur,''''  the  gentleman  or  lady  can 
go  :  but  without  this  exiilanatioii  the  presence  of 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  225 

a  person  not  properly  dressed  for  a  dinner  would 
be  considered  an  insult. 

A  few  years  ago  some  young  Englishmen  of  high 
rank  arrived  at  Nahant  in  very  careless  costume, 
sent  their  cards  and  letters  of  introduction  to  Mr. 
Longfellow,  and  were  immediately  invited  to  a 
seven  o'clock  dinner.  They  accepted,  and  came 
in  their  shooting  coats  and  with  telescopes  hang- 
ing around  their  necks. 

Mr,  Longfellow  had  invited  some  distinguished 
Boston  people  to  meet  them,  all  of  whom  were  in 
proper  evening  dress,  of  course.  The  young  men 
endeavored  "to  bluff  it  off,"  as  the  poet  care- 
fully scanned  their  appearance,  by  saying.  "  We're 
here  for  shooting,  you  know,"  etc.,  etc. 

"  And  do  you  shoot  with  your  telescopes  V  re- 
marked Mr.  Longfellow. 

If  they  had  written  to  Mr.  Longfellow  before 
dinner,  and  had  explained  their  not  having  their 
luggage  with  them,  and  had  left  their  telescopes 
at  home,  no  one  would  have  thought  it  rude.  It 
was  the  assumption  that  they  could  do  such  a 
thing  with  impunity  in  America  that  was  rude. 

An  American  lady  of  fashion  was  traveling  in 
Europe,    and    happened    to  arrive    in   Florence 


Z'4b  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

without  her  luggage.  Her  friend,  the  Minister, 
asked  her  to  dinner  to  meet  a  great  lady  of  the 
court. 

''  But  I  have  no  dresses,"  said  the  lady  ;  "  one 
plain  black  silk  is  all  I  can  possibly  achieve.'" 

-•'Oh  1"  said  he,  "that  is  all  right;  I  will  ex- 
plain to  those  ladies  whom  you  are  to  meet.'' 

When  the  lady  went  to  the  dinner,  which  was 
very  elegant,  all  the  men  were  in  dress  coats, 
orders,  ribbons,  white  ties,  and  the  para- 
phernalia of  masculine  full  dress.  She  was 
astonished  to  see  all  the  ladies  as  plainly 
dressed  as  herself.  The  Minister  having 
explained  her  dilemma  to  them,  they  were 
all  plainly  dressed  too.  They  were  women  who 
generally  wore  at  dinners  jewels  of  fabulous 
value,  and  always  considered  it  de  rigueur  to 
wear  neck  and  arms  bare,  and  to  cover  them- 
selves with  lace. 

But  it  was  both  real  and  conventional  etiquette 
for  them  to  thus  meet  the  American  lady  who 
had  not  her  toilettes  with  her.  Although  she 
regretted  not  seeing  their  splendid  dresses,  she 
could  not  but  be  touched  by  this  act.  They 
knew  that    she  was   a   person   of   consideration 


•riTR    AMRRTr.AN   COT)R   OF   MA.KNERS.  227 

at  home,  and  they  treated  her  to  the  best  and 
kindest  in  their  power  by  dressing  so  plainly  that 
she  did  not  feel  her  black  silk  to  be  a  blot  on  the 
dinner. 

Etiquette  changes  with  each  successive  age. 
A  few  years  ago  we  should^have  said  that  it 
would  not  be  proper  for  people  to  talk  slang  at 
an  elegant  dinner.  Now  we  hear  •  ■  awfully  .i oily, ' " 
' '  immensely  pretty , "  "  awfully  mean , ' '  "  rum- 
looking  chap,"  from  delicate  lips  at  the  most 
recherche  entertainments.  It  cannot  be  defended. 
It  is  far  worse  than  the  stilted  grandiloquence  of 
our  grandparents,  because  that  was  at  least 
respectful.  It  now  would  sound  very  stilted  and 
foolish,  no  doubt,  but  it  would  be  less  startling 
than  the  phrases  which  a  conventional  etiquette 
allows. 

Young  men,  particularly  English  young  men, 
permit  themselves  an  ease  of  manner  which  is 
almost  rudeness  sometimes.  A  young  man  who 
takes  his  foot  in  his  lap,  and  pulls  up  his  stock- 
ing, and  nurses  his  leg,  and  lolls,  and  evidently 
brings  the  manners  of  the  stable  into  the  dining- 
room,  is  no  real  gentleman,  although  his  title 
may  be  that  of  Duke  of  Devonshire.     A  scholar 


22«  THE   AMERICAN   0Oi>E   OF   MANNERS. 

who  is  awkward  but  respectful,  whose  manners 
betray,  perhaps,  original  eccentricity,  and  who  is 
unaccustomed  to  the  etiquette  of  a  fashionable 
table,  still  is  a  real  gentleman,  and  the  moment 
he  begins  to  talk  will  announce  himself  as  such. 

A  lady  who  prefers  a  fast  reputation  will  often 
sit  with  her  legs  crossed,  lean  back  in  her  chair, 
twirl  her  fan,  show  her  hostess  that  she  does  not 
r-are  for  her,  and  talk  loud  or  not  at  all,  as  the 
mood  takes  her.  Some  well-born  young  married 
women  in  New  York  think  that  incivility  marks 
their  importance.  These  women  are  accorded  a 
place  because  they  are  well-born  and  well-married, 
and  have  money,  but  they  are  neither  real  nor 
yet  conventional  ladies,  for  a  lady  always  has 
good  manners,  or  cultivates  what  she  believes  to 
be  such. 

The  real  gentleman  is  careful  never  to  let 
his  breath  offend.  After  smoking  he  should 
retire  and  rinse  his  mouth  with  cologne  and 
water,  for  the  breath  of  a  smoker,  particularly 
after  drinking  wine  and  spirits,  is  apt  to  be  dis- 
gusting. After  drinking,  and  eating  a  dinner  in 
which  the  ''  forbidden  fruit "  (as  some  one  called 
onions)  has  been  indulged  in,  even  though  they 


THE   AMEBIC  AN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  229 

were  concealed  in  Delmonico's  best  cookery,  a 
man  should  retire  with  the  rose-water  finger 
bowl,  or  the  result  is  dreadful.  No  slight  im- 
pression of  this  kind  is  lost  upon  women,  nor  are 
they  ever  deceived  by  cachous  or  cardamom 
seeds.  "An  ounce  of  prevention  is  worth  a 
pound  of  cure"— cleanliness  is  next  to  Godliness. 

Artificial  obsei'vances  have  this  merit,  that  they 
keep  out  of  good  society  those  independent  be- 
ings who  insist  on  their  rights  as  reformers 
against  what  they  consider  as  the  ''effete  man- 
ners of  society."  Such  men  take  pleasure  in 
dirty  linen,  unbrushed  coats,  unclean  shoes  and 
dirty  hands.  They  offend  every  sense,  and  yet 
some  of  them  are  in  high  places.  If  a  man  is 
marked  in  this  way,  people  know  enough  not  to 
invite  him  to  dinner,  and  he  soon  finds  out  that 
he  loses  more  than  he  gains. 

There  is  no  such  selfishness  or  rudeness  as  to 
impose  inelegant  manners  and  adverse  opinions 
upon  the  company  to  which  you  are  invited.  A 
man  who  advances  atheistical  opinions,  or  any 
other  system  of  thought  which  shocks  his  host 
and  hostess,  is  no  gentleman. 


230  THB  AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNEBS. 

CHAPTER  XVm. 

THE   ETHICS   OF   DRESS. 


"AS  costly  your  habit    as  your  purse  can 

IX  buy,"  was  the  worldly-wise  advice  of  old 
Polonius  to  his  son  when  he  was  to  leave  home 
for  foreign  travel. 

It  speaks  not  only  for  the  worldly  wisdom  of 
the  venerable  courtier,  but  it  also  tells  the  modern 
reader  of  that  demand  for  costume  which  was 
once  so  much  the  necessity  of  courts,  but  which, 
so  far  as  men  are  concerned,  is  now  almost  passed 
away. 

Did  Mercutio  now  start  on  his  travels  he 
would  find  one  small  portmanteau  enough  for  his 
needs,  and  he  could  not,  if  he  would,  wear  more 
than  a  plain  black  dress  suit  at  any  court,  unless 
he  entered  the  military  service,  when  he  would 
wear  a  uniform. 

However,  much  has  been  left  off  the  dress  of 
men  to  be  put  on  to  women.  Every  woman  now 
dresses  as  if  she  were  a  queen.  The  short  reign 
of  the  Empress  Eugenie  effected  a  profound 
change  in  the  female  dress  of  the  world.    The 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  331 

luxury,  variety  and  splendor  which  has  entered 
into  the  composition  of  female  attire  since  her 
advent  is  enormous. 

Women  read  once  of  the  great  luxury  of  Queen 
Elizabeth  and  wondered.  They  have  now  but  to 
look  at  the  trousseau  of  a  modern  bride  and  see 
a  luxury  of  which  Queen  Elizabetb  never  dreamed. 

For  the  trousseau  must  contain  twelve  dozen 
of  everything,  all  the  underclothing  must  be 
trimmed  with  costly  Valenciennes,  and  the 
twelve  dozen  is  an  infallible  rule. 

Queen  Bess  had  brocades  and  jewels,  of  course, 
in  plenty,  but  her  under  linen  was  scanty.  She 
had  two  pairs  of  silk  stockings  (they  were'only 
just  invented  then).  A  modern  belle  has  twelve 
dozen  silken  hose  of  every  color  of  the  rainbow. 

The  boots,  shoes  and  slippers  of  a  modern  belle 
would  have  astonished  Queen  Bess — they  are 
so  pretty,  so  various  and  so  expensive  ;  they  fit 
the  foot  much  better,  too,  than  the  clumsy  slipper 
of  the  past. 

There  is  no  doubt  but  that  the  American 
women  dress  too  much.  They  have  no  limit  in 
the  matter  of  expense,  for  an  American  husband, 
if    he  has   money,   stops    at    no    expense.       In 


33a  THE    AMERICAN   CODE    OP    MANNERS. 

Europe,  where  duchesses,  trusting  to  old  lace 
and  jewels,  are  often  extremely  shabby  as  to 
their  gowns,  not  caring  a  pin  what  anybody  says, 
the  American  woman  is  conspicuously  well- 
dressed,  generally  much  fresher  than  the  duchess. 

Worth  says  that  the  American  women  are  the 
best  customers  he  has — far  better  than  queens. 
T?iey  ask  the  price  :  American  women  never  do. 
They  simply  say  :  ' '  Give  me  the  best,  the  most 
beautiful,  the  most  fashionable  gown.'' 

It  is  all  very  well  if  the  lady  can  pay  for  it. 
•'  Costly  your  habit  as  your  purse  can  buy."  But 
it  sometimes  happens  that  it  is  not  in  her  power 
to  pay.  Hence  the  great  trouble,  the  defalcations 
and  the  sorrowful  story  of  dishonor. 

Beautiful  dress  is  all  very  fine.  Every  one  likes 
to  see  a  woman  well-dressed ;  but  the  ethics  of 
dress  should  be  consulted.  Is  it  worth  all  that  it 
costs,  in  trouble,  expense,  heartburning,  and 
every  other  most  painful  effort,  besides  leading 
to  criminal  extravagance?  Would  not  the 
fashion  be  improved  by  plainness,  simplicity 
and  cheapness  V 

The  fact  that  costume  has  disappeared  all  over 
Europe  is  a  great  loss  to  the  painter,  and  the  re- 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.    333 

flection  arises— how  much  better  would  it  be  if 
every  one  had  a  costume,  as  in  the  Middle  Ages  ! 
How  beautiful  was  then  the  dress  of  the  chan- 
oinesse,  the  middle-aged  woman  with  her  coif, 
the  maiden  with  her  snood,  the  young  married 
woman  with  her  veil.  And  these  dresses  were  so 
becoming.  The  manufacture  of  them  was  so  easy, 
too  ;  the  patterns  were  used  from  year  to  year. 
There  were  tailors  tor  women  as  for  men.  The  ma- 
terials were  good  ;  they  lasted  from  year  to  year. 

Now  what  modern  lady  does  not  dread  the  hour 
with  her  dressmaker.  The  certainty  that  her 
dress  will  be  too  tight  across  the  chest  and  too 
loose  around  the  waist  It  is  not  certain  to  be 
stylish,  either,  and  then  material  and  all  is  wasted. 
What  a  trouble,  too,  to  have  the  necessity  of  going 
several  times  a  week,  and  to  be  put  off  by  a 
pampered  dressmaker,  and  told  to  come — another 
time  ! 

Yet  every  woman  struggles  with  this  evil  every 
spring  and  fall,  and  emerges  always  the  worse  for 
the  conflict. 

No  wonder  women  wish  for  '"  Ladies'  Co-opera- 
tive Dress  Associations,"  which,  if  they  could  be 
accomplished  without  fraud,  would  be  admirable 


234  TKK   AMRntrAK  nOI^B  OP'   MAKtrKRH. 

things,  and  which  would  be  an  excellent  check 
upon  the  abominable  fraud,  insolence  and  dis- 
honesty of  the  fashionable  dressmaker. 

There  is  probably  no  such  story  in  any  litera- 
ture of  the  insolence  of  the  "  pampered  menial " 
as  that  of  the  New  York  dressmaker. 

Mostly  Irish  women  who  have  once  been  cham- 
bermaids, they  have,  by  the  weak  indulgence  of 
some  women  who  call  themselves  ladies,  become  a 
power  in  the  land.  Having  the  costume  in  one 
hand  and  the  lady  iu  the  other,  they  present  the 
nursery  spectacle  of  the  naughty  child  who  is 
reaching  for  the  forbidden  tart  which  Jane  holds 
just  above  the  urchin's  reach.  It  is  no  longer 
the  respectful  seamstress  working  for  her  bread, 
but  a  half-drunken  Irish  or  French  woman  dic- 
tating terms  to  her  lady  customer. 

"  My  husband  is  waiting  for  me  to  go  out  in 
his  dog-cart,  so  I  must  call  my  forewoman  to 
finish  this  dress,"  remarked  one  of  these  imperti- 
nent artistes  to  a  lady  once  whom  she  was  fitting. 
We  are  glad  to  record  that  this  woman  afterwards 
failed. 

The  lady  is  entirely  in  the  hands  of  the  dress- 
maker, financially.     The  modiste  may  cut  up  and 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     335 

ruin  a  rich  velvet,  the  lady  has  no  redress.  She 
may  charge  twice  too  much,  and  yet  the  lady 
cannot  complain.  The  law  in  this  land  of  liberty 
is  always  on  the  side  of  the  workwoman  or  man. 
If  a  brutal  carman  runs  into  a  lady's  coupe,  the 
courts  give  damages  to  the  carman.  It  is  a  part 
of  the  mistake  of  universal  suffrage. 

Such  being  some  of  the  troubles  of  dressmaking 
as  done  outside  of  one's  house,  no  wonder  that 
many  ladies  try  the  business  of  having  the  work 
done  at  home,  which,  while  it  saves  material 
and  one  sort  of  trouble,  adds  on  much  trouble 
of  another  sort,  iu  the  incessant  demands 
of  the  seamstress  for  more  buttons,  twist,  tape, 
lining  and  *Hrimming."  No  modern  seamstress 
ever  had  enough  of  these,  and  many  a  lady, 
having  tried  the  '•  woman  in  the  house," 
who  is  always  complaining  of  her  accommoda- 
tions, her  tea  and  her  dinner,  gives  up  that  sort 
of  annoyance  and  buys  some  patterns  and  sits 
down  and  makes  a  plain  dress  herself. 

But  a  lady  cannot  do  everything.  She  has  her 
house,  her  children,  her  improvement,  her  read- 
ing, her  charities  and  her  societies  to  attend  to, 
She  is  not  able  to  sew  much. 


236  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Where  shall  she  go  V  what  shall  she  do  to  get 
her  dresses  ready  for  the  season  ? 

No  wonder  she  sends  to  France,  where  all  this 
thing  is  simplified,  and  where  she  gets  good 
material,  a  good  fit  and  stylish  clothes  for 
half  the  money  which  these  things  cost  in  New 
York. 

Etiquette  demands  that  a  lady,  if  she  visit  at 
all,  be  handsomely  dressed.  There  is  a  growing 
taste  for  plain  clothes,  that  is  to  say,  dark  velvets 
and  furs,  black  or  dark  silks,  and  an  absence 
of  garish  display  in  the  daytime.  Few  American 
women  dress  too  much  in  the  street  now.  But 
the  velvet,  or  the  silk,  must  be  made  by  an 
artist,  the  bonnet  must  be  a  chef  cfceuvre,  and 
the  gloves  and  boots  must  be  marvelously  per- 
fect. The  glove  must  be  a  long-sleeved  one,  or 
else  have  ten  or  eighteen  buttons. 

Women  who  dare,  through  eccentricity  or 
avarice,  to  go  about  with  dirty  or  ragged  gowns 
are  universally  disliked.  They  profane  society 
with  their  presence.  For  etiquette  demands  that 
each  woman  be  at  least  neat, 

"  St'U  to  be  neat,  still  to  be  dressed. 
As  if  wtrftiiig  for  a  feast." 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     237 

is  the  characteristic  of  most  ladies,  but  there  are 
some  who  are  so  conceited  as  to  believe  that  they 
can  go  to  a  ball  in  a  costume  which  has  seen  its 
best  days,  and  to  carry  all  off  by  a  certain 
audacity. 

Such  women  should  be  frowned  down. 
Dress  was  made  to  dignify  the  human  body.  In 
our  social  intercourse  we  wish  to  appear  at  our 
best,  and  etiquette  is  the  code  of  laws  made  by 
the  society  of  all  ages  for  the  benefit  of  such  as 
enter  its  portals. 

It  is  in  England  a  sort  of  understood  law  that 
women  should  appear  at  dinners  In  low-necked 
dresses,  with  short  sleeves.  The  dress  at  court 
is  always  prescribed.  We  have  no  court,  and  so 
every  lady  does  as  she  pleases.  It  is  to  be  re- 
corded, however,  in  favor  of  American  ladies, 
that  they  generally  contrive,  with  all  their  disad- 
vantages of  impertinent  dressmakers  and  no 
code  of  dress,  to  be  the  best-dressed  women  in 
the  world ;  they  have  beauty,  taste  and  neatness 
— three  important  codicils. 

One  thing,  however,  is  apt  to  be  mistaken  in 
the  American  ethical  code  of  dress. 

Elderly  women  dress  too  young.    The  flaxep- 


238  THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS. 

wigged  Mrs.  Skewton  of  Dickens  has  too  many 
followers  among  us.  Women  of  fifty,  with  skinny 
arms  and  hollow  cheeks,  painted  and  dressed  as 
young  girls — these  are  our  failures.  No  woman 
but  looks  older  for  this  style  of  dress.  To  look 
one's  age,  to  dress  appropriately,  a  woman  should 
always  be  a  little  ahead  of  time  and  not  behind 
it. 

A  woman  who  attempts  tu  ap{)ear  yovmger  or 
more  fascinating  than  she  is  should  remember  the 
fable  of  the  ox  who  strove  to  gambol  like  the 
gazelle  and  who  received  the  reproof  of  Jupiter. 
Mere  talent  should  never  try  to  copy  genius,  nor 
should  a  mature  woman  try  to  look  like  a  young 
one.     Fascination  is  a  gift  of  the  gods. 

Truly  fascinating  women  have  no  need  of  effort 
to  appear  what  they  are  not,  either  young  or  old. 
They  are  not  called  on  to  trumpet  their  own 
charms  or  conquests,  nor  to  touch  themselves  up 
like  an  old  pastel.  The  world  will  give  them 
credit ;  men  will  kneel  to  them.  Every  one  gives 
them  a  courteous  adoration.  They  know  by  in- 
tuition how  to  dress,  how  to  conduct  themselves. 

■'I  find  myself  adoring  beautiful,  calm 
women    who     cannot     bo    flirted    with,'   said 


THE    AMERICAN  t'Onn  OP  MAVNIERR,  2-^ 

• 

Lord  Byron,  the  man  most  adored^  by  wo- 
men. Our  spring  beauties  are  so  fresh  and 
lovely  in  America,  that  it  seems  a  pity  that 
they  should  ever  journey  down  to  the  patches 
and  powders  of  a  French  Marquise.  These  co- 
quettish and  gentle,  delicate  and  smiling  young 
American  girls  know  how  to  dress  themselves. 
They  have  the  intuition  of  the  toilette.  Their 
only  present  danger  is  in  getting  too  mannish, 
what  with  their  brother's  ulsters,  their  hats  and 
gauntlets,  and  sometimes,  alas !  their  brother's 
manners,  so  that  you  do  not  know  which  is  which. 
The  ethics  of  dress,  which  should  express  sex,  is 
sometimes  confusing. 

Some  wit  said  that  the  principal  charm  of  a 
poke  bonnet  was  that  it  is  so  essentially  feminine 
no  man  could  ever  have  worn  one. 

The  early  Puritan  dress  was  very  becoming  and 
very  lovable.  The  Puritan  fathers  could  not 
banish  love  nor  woman's  grace  with  all  their 
hard  creed.  Girls  would  be  born  and  would  be 
lovable. 

Sometimes  Fate  played  them  strange  tricks,  and 
a  marquise  in  disguise— a  real  court  lady,  all 
smiles  aad  coquetry— would  come  dancing  in  with 


340  THK    AMERICAN   CODE   OF  >fANKER3. 

fairy  feet,  with  eyes  bright  as  diamonds,  and  lips 
like  strawberries  all  smothered  in  cream,  and 
with  curls  that  fluttered  in  the  breeze — these 
\Nitches  would  come  to  Salem  town  and  confound 
the  fathers.  What  capricious  mermaids  always 
landed  at  Newport.,  for  instance,  even  in  these 
early  days,  and  we  read  that  they  did  not  patron- 
ize the  Puritan  dress,  but  sent  to  Franoe  for  a 
••  slip  of  rose  paduasoy,  with  Brussels  lappets,  and 
high-heeled  shoes  with  buckles."' 

The  ethics  of  dress  demand  that  a  mother 
should  always  dress  better  than  her  daughter. 

The  mother's  dress  should  be  of  more  costly 
material,  and  should  be  thoroughly  suited  to 
her  age,  complexion  and  style.  Some  American 
mothers  go  shabby  and  put  fine  clothes  on  their 
daughters.  The  mother  should  wear  all  the 
jewelry.  The  mother  should  be  in  velvet,  silk 
and  satin  ;  the  daughter  in  muslin,  percale  or 
cashmere. 

The  modern  fashion  of  dressing  young  girls  in 
satin  and  velvet  is  a  poor  one.  It  leaves  them 
nothing  to  look  forward  to. 

Young  girls  need  no  aid  from  the  becoming 
light  of  jewelry.      They  are  rubies,  diamonds. 


THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  241 

pearls  themselves.  Let  them  save  those  adven- 
titious aids  for  the  days  which  will  surely  come — 
the  days  when  the  eye  loses  its  brilliancy  and  the 
teeth  their  pearly  charm.  Then  jewels  are  be- 
coming and  fit  the  needs  of  maturity. 

To  allow  the  hair  to  grow  white  is  one  of  the 
allowable  coquetries  of  middle  life.  It  is  so  be- 
coming that  a  woman  is  to  be  forgiven  if  she 
blanches  it  a  little  as  it  grows  iron-gray.  It  is 
the  only  hair  dye  which  cannot  be  condemned, 
that  which  assists  gray  hair  to  grow  into  white 
floss  silk. 


Ji42  THE   AM^RICAK  CODE  OF  MANNBRft. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

AN    AMERICAN    RETTTRNED    FROM    EUROPE. 

THERE  is  one  part  of  his  luggage  which  an 
American  should  never  leave  in  Europe, 
and  that  is— his  nationality. 

It  too  often  happens  that  this  is  just  what  he  does 
leave,  and  there  have  been  weak  Americans  who 
have  come  home  from  Europe  with  but  slight 
knowledge  of  their  own  language  after  a  six 
months'  absence. 

Americans  are  sometimes  very  much  impressed 
with  England,  and  come  home  so  heavily  plated 
that  they  are  called  Britannia  ware.  Others  get  a 
smattering  of  German,  and  can  listen  to  nothing 
but  German  music,  and  smoke  German  pipes  and 
raise  a  German  beard. 

Others  are  smitten  with  everything  French, 
and  are  constantly  larding  their  talk  with  con- 
venient French  phrases,  are  considerably  dis- 
turbed in  their  belief  in  women,  and  are  not  at 
all  sure  of  their  belief  in  anything. 

These  are  new,  green  travelers,  and  this  is  a 


THE   AMJiBICAN    CODE    OF    MAl^TNERS.  243 

disease,  like  the  ineasles  or  the  whooping-cough , 
peculiar  to  youth. 

The  old  traveler,  the  • '  picked  man  of  coun- 
tries," knows  that  there  is  nothing  like  home, 
and  that  a  person,  to  have  any  consideration  in  this 
world,  must  derive  it  from  the  spot  of  his  birth. 

We  have,  as  a  people,  a  singular  inaptitude  to 
take  root  in  Europe.  Europeans  come  here,  and 
make  excellent  citizens,  but  Americans  seem 
always  to  remain  colonists  in  Europe.  They 
rarely  become  part  of  the  body  politic.  The  tide 
of  immigration  is  this  way.  No  American  can 
live  long  in  Paris  without  feeling  that  he  has  lost 
something  of  consequence  and  of  the  feeling  of 
citizenship. 

To  come  home  thus  discontented  and  uprooted 
is  to  be  a  person  without  a  country,  that  most 
wretched  of  waifs. 

To  come  home,  bringing  only  affectations  and 
the  poorer  part  of  Europe,  is  to  be  even  worse — 
an  unworthy  citizen. 

To  come  home  loving  one's  own  country  better, 
and  to  add  to  its  newness  all  that  he  can  bring  of 
European  art,  culture  and  refinement,  is  to  be  the 
truly  good  citizen  and  the  accomplished  traveler. 


244  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF    MANNERS. 

No  doubt  there  is  much  in  the  polished  eti- 
quette of  the  high  society  in  Europe  which  is 
very  grateful  to  Americans,  particularly  to 
women.  They  like  ceremony,  politeness  and 
deference  ;  they  like  the  service,  so  easy  and  so 
marked ;  they  like  the  definiteness  of  European 
etiquette,  and  they  like  the  state  and  form — the 
elegance,  in  fact. 

The  very  manners  of  servants  and  of  shopkeep- 
ers, of  couriers  and  of  maids,  are  all  so  much 
more  respectful  than  anything  on  this  side  that 
they  feel,  for  the  first  time,  what  it  is  to  be  a  lady. 

Then  the  forms  and  ceremonies  of  a  court  are 
amusing  until  one  gets  tired  of  them.  The  ne- 
cessity of  a  certain  dress  at  a  certain  ceremonial, 
all  this  corrects  that  dreadful  uncertainty  which 
exists  always  with  us. 

What  shall  we  wear  V  In  Europe  we  always 
know  what  we  ought  to  wear. 

The  question  of  liveries,  here  always  a  most 
perplexing  question,  is  in  Europe  settled  for  one 
by  his  tailor. 

No  wonder  tiiai  some  Americans  come  home 
spoiled,  and  commit  a  thousand  absurdities.  We 
ai'e  none  of  us  any  too  wise.  It  seems  as  if  Europe 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNKKS.     345 

sometimes  took  away  what  little  sense  we 
originally  had. 

Men  sometimes  come  home  dressed  in  so  pro- 
nounced an  English  style  that  everybody  laughs. 

They  should  read  the  description  of  Beau  Brum- 
mel : 

"  He  was  always  ctudiously  and  remarkably 
well-dressed,  never  outre,  and  although  consider- 
able time  and  attention  were  directed  to  his  toi- 
lette, it  never,  when  accomplished,  seemed  to 
occupy  his  attention.  His  manners  were  easy, 
polished,  gentlemanlike,  stamped  with  what  St. 
Simon  would  call  Vusage  du  irumde  et  du  plus  grand, 
p.t  du  meilleur.  His  dress  was  the  general  model, 
and  when  he  had  struck  out  a  new  idea  he  would 
smile  at  observing  its  gradual  progress,  adopted 
by  the  highest  as  well  as  the  lowest  classes." 

A  man  to  be  thoroughly  well-dressed  should  be 
dressed  so  that  no  one  can  tell  what  he  has  on. 

It  is  a  pity  that  the  nineteenth  century  has 
drawn  so  severe  a  model  for  the  dress  of  men,  but 
so  it  is. 

An  American  returned  from  Europe  should  not 
abuse  his  own  country  ;  he  should  not  complain 
of  ennui  or  disgust.      If  he  feels  discontented 


146  THE    AMERICAN    (  OT>E    OF   MANNERS. 

here  he  should  keep  it  to  himself :  for  all 
travelers  know  that  there  is  no  country  where 
<laily  life  is  so  comfortable  for  almost  any  well- 
to-do  individual  as  in  America. 

New  York  has  an  air  of  bmi  etre  about  it  which 
i'ew  cities  possess.  The  great  benefits  of  gas  and 
:;£  hot  and  cold  water  are  not  so  common  as  with 
i:s  in  any  European  city.  Ice  water  is  not  obtain- 
able in  Europe  unless  one  pays  for  it  heavily  ; 
;  nd  as  for  the  markets,  no  city  in  the  world  has 
;  uch  a  one  as  New  York. 

In  traveling  in  Europe  one  is  always  harassed 
;ind  hampered  by  his  trunks.  In  America  a 
1  heck  saves  all  the  trouble. 

So  there  are  advantages  and  disadvantages 
'  verywhere.  The  American  in  Europe  has  every- 
thing to  see  which  can  fascinate  him.  The  tri- 
■mphs  of  Architecture,  of  Time,  of  Wealth,  of 
Art,  are  there,  and  of  Nature,  in  Switzerland,  we 
have  nothing  like  that  here.  We  have  no  Rome, 
ao  London  and  no  Paris :  we  have  not  the 
Ilhine  with  its  castles. 

But  we  have  our  duty  to  our  own  soil,  and  we  do 
:  hink,  read  and  work,  let  us  hope,  for  one  end  : 
ihat  we  mav  bring  home  to  our  own  land  all  the 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  247 

rectified  impressions,  and  none  of  the  exaggerated 
ones. 

Especially  is  the  American  to  be  warned  against 
an  affected  habit  of  speech.  To  try  to  talk  like 
an  Englishman  is  an  affectation  always  detected. 
To  find  French  more  easy  than  American  is  a 
most  transparent  humbug. 

We  always  laugh  at  the  mistakes  of  foreigners 
when  they  blunder  in  English ;  taut  they,  for- 
tunately, never  laugh  at  ours,  if  they  did,  what  a 
perpetual  fund  of  amusement  we  could  aft'ord 
them. 

The  apeing  of  foreign  manners  affords  the 
English  comedian  fund  for  the  manufacture  of 
many  good  comedies,  and  we  have  no  better 
satirist  than  Cowper,  who  said  quaintly  : 

"  How  much  a  fool,  who  hath  been  sent  to  Rome, 
Exceeds  a  fool  who  only  staid  at  home  !" 

The  snob  is  a  very  detestable  creature,  and  the 
snob  who  pretends  to  be  ashamed  of  his  own 
country  is  the  worst  snob  in  the  world. 

Americans  have  often  an  excess  of  patriotism, 
which  is  called  "spread-eagleism."  This  is  in 
bad  taste,  no  doubt,  and  many  a  "  Yankee  "  has 


248  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

made  himself  absurd  in  England  by  talking  of 
the  stars  and  stripes.  No  one  should  parade  the 
excellencies  of  his  country  any  more  than  he 
should  boast  of  the  excellencies  of  his  wife,  pela 
va  sans  dire,  but  the  failing  is  a  more  excusable 
one  than  the  reverse.  To  see  or  hear  a  man 
run  down  his  own  country  is  to  despise  him  at 
once. 

An  American  at  home,  if  he  has  led  a  useful  and 
industrious  life,  is  a  nobleman — as  good  as  any- 
body. Abroad  he  can  never  have  the  same  con- 
sideration. He  must  always  be,  unless  he  has  a 
diplomatic  position,  somewhat  at  a  disadvantage 
in  Europ'j.  Some  few  Americans,  by  their  talents, 
have  taxen  very  high  position  in  Europe,  but  they 
axe  rare. 

A  traveled  American,  home  from  Europe, 
can  have  a  great  influence  for  the  good  of  his 
countrymen. 

He  can.  in  many  ways,  improve  every  one  in 
his  neighborhood.  He  can  gently  and  quietly 
bring  about  a  greater  attention  to  etiquette  :  he 
can  show  his  friend.s  how  to  give  a  dinner  in  the 
English  style,  which  is  the  best  style  :  he  can  show 
the  advantage  of  a  quiet  livery,  a  well-organizod 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MANNERS.  249 

band  of  servants — always  a  difficult  thing  to  bring 
about  in  America. 

We  cannot,  with  a  republican  form  of  govern- 
ment, ever  hope  to  have  good  servants.  An 
American  citizen  makes  this  mistake :  if  he  is  a 
poor  man  he  is  ashamed  to  be  a  servant ;  he 
thinks  it  degrades  him.  It  is  his  mistake,  but  the 
mistake  exists. 

He  thinks  that  he  is  a  better  man,  a  greater 
man,  if,  in  a  condition  of  servitude,  which  his 
pocket  may  compel,  he  is  then  impertinent  and 
disobedient. 

The  Irishman  who  waits  at  a  dinner  may  live 
to  eat  off  the  plate  which  he  has  lately  washed. 

All  of  which  ruins  the  hope  of  good  service — 
a  fact  as  unfortunate  for  the  waiter  as  for  the 
employer. 

For  all  cannot  or  do  not  rise,  but  the  hope  that 
they  will,  makes  them  all  discontented. 

We  see  all  over  the  world  this  connection  be- 
tween little  and  great  things.  It  would  be  easy 
to  show,  as  Emerson  says,  "of  many  fine  things 
in  the  world — in  the  customs  of  nations,  the 
etiquette  of  courts,  the  constitution  of  govern- 
ments— the   origin   in  quite  simple    local  neces- 


250  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

sities.  Heraldry,  for  example,  and  the  cere- 
monies of  a  coronation,  are  a  dienified  repetition 
of  the  occmTences  that  might  befall  a  dragoon 
and  his  footboy.'" 

So  the  question  of  good  service  in  the  United 
States  is  forever  injured  and  disturbed  by  the 
great  instrument  of  our  liberties,  known  as  the 
Declaration  of  Independence. 

Far  more  dignified  and  aristocratic  was  the  act 
of  an  Italian  marquis  with  a  long  old  title, 
who,  finding  himself  poor  and  friendless,  went  to 
Delmonico  and  let  himself  out  as  a  waiter,  and, 
until  he  could  better  his  condition,  performed 
those  services  well.  He  knew  his  own  standing 
too  well  to  be  ashamed  of  serving — 

"He  also  serves,  who  only  siaud.s  and  waits.'" 

Yes,  he  serves  at  the  great  counter  of  Duty,  and 
at  that  work  nothing  disgraces  one  but  doing  his 
work  badly,  and  in  an  evil  spirit. 

Every  American  who  brings  home  from  Europe 
fine  statues,  pictures,  old  china,  or  appropriate 
furniture,  is  aiding  his  country  to  grow  better  and 
more  refined.  For  art  elevates  a  nation.  The  pos- 
session of  the  treasures  gathered  in  the  Palace  of 


THE   AMEHICVN    CODE   OF   MAKXERS.  251 

the  DemidofEs,  if  brought  here,  will  be  a  liberal 
education  to  every  untraveled  American,  to  every 
artisan.  The  great  Exposition  of  1876  was  the 
most  admirable  education  to  all  our  people. 

Music,  eloquence,  poetry,  painting,  sculpture 
and  architecture,  all  are  of  the  flue  arts.  Of  the 
first  we  already  begin  tf)  take  a  proud  place 
among  the  nations.  The  Americans  are  a  musical 
people,  but  still  must  go  to  European  conser- 
vatories to  study.  Of  sculpture  we  may  also 
claim  some  recognition.  Of  poetry  and  painting, 
particularly  of  landscape  painting,  we  have  some 
hold  :  but  in  architecture  we  are  terribly  behind 
hand.  Every  American's  eye  suffers  from  the 
windows  of  New  York  when  he  first  lands.  The 
American  who  travels  to  the  end  that  he  may 
build  better  when  he  comes  home,  travels  wisely. 

Of  eloquence  we  have  our  share — perhaps  too 
much.  The  Americans  are  glib  talkers.  They 
have  the  gift  of  the  gab.  If,  in  traveling,  they 
learned  to  think  more  and  to  talk  less,  perhaps  it 
would  be  just  as  well. 

Another  thing  might  be  learned  in  Europe,  and 
that  is  to  not  be  ashamed  of.  a  judicious  economy. 

We  are  said  to  be  the  ruin  of  Europe  with  our 


252  THE   AMERICAN-   fODE   OF   MANNTSRS. 

extravagance.  No  European  is  ashamed  to  be 
poor,  or  to  say  "  I  cannot  afiford  it."  All  Ameri- 
cans were  once  ashamed  to  say  this,  because  they 
thought  it  reflected  dishonor  upon  them  :  and 
almost  any  American  would  rather  pay  a  dis- 
honest charge  than  to  dispute  it.  Few,  if  any 
Americans  would  take  the  trouble  which  Mr. 
Cobden  did  in  New  York,  to  give  a  whole  day  to 
the  bringing  to  justice  of  a  cabman  who  charged 
him  too  much  ;  and  yet  how  much  better  would 
oiu*  laws  be  observed  if  that  were  the  practice  of 
every  American. 

Americans  returned  from  Europe  have  the 
greatest  future  before  them,  if  they  will  patrioti- 
cally devote  themselves  to  the  righting  of  wrongs 
and  to  the  correcting  of  abuses. 

Much  in  our  great  country  goes  by  default.  We 
are  all  taking  things  very  easily  as  to  the  adminis- 
tration of  the  laws.  Our  cities  show,  by  the  dread- 
ful disorder  and  peculation  which  this  want  of  es- 
pionage has  brought  about,  how  unwise  a  plan  it  is. 

Let  us,  therefore,  copy  that  jpart  of  European 
civilization  which  tends  to  wise  economy,  judi- 
cious mrveillance,  and  to  polished  manners  and 
refined  lives,  without  affectation. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  253 

CHAPTER   XX. 

THE  MONET  MARRIAGE  MARKET. 

THERE  are  many  calculating  Romeos  in  this 
world — men  who  are  looking  for  a  rich 
wife  as  a  means  to  an  honest  living.  Work 
they  despise.  They  are  often  most  gentlemanly 
men,  and  will  never  do  anything  mean.  They 
may  make  as  good  husbands  as  others ;  still, 
the  world  does  not  adore  them,  nor  do  the  poets 
write  of  them  as  they  do  of  Romeo,  pur  et  simple. 
No  one  has  imagined  them  as  saying  : 

"  O  cruel  Love  !    How  great  a  power  is  thine  ! 
Under  the  Poles  although  we  lie, 
Thou  mak'st  us  fry  ; 
And  thou  canst  make  us  freeze  beneath  the  Line." 

No  such  impassioned  heat  disturbs  these  young 
gentlemen.    They  are  very  cool— very  cool. 

Heiresses,  therefore,  become  very  much  at- 
tended to  in  society.  Their  rent-roll  is  discussed, 
and  is  ascertained  to  a  nicety.  They  are  some- 
times injured  by  this  fact,  and  are  induced  to 


254  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

remain  unmarried  because  they  fear  that  they 
shall  be  married  solely  for  their  money. 

Others  marry  men  who  have  been  won  princi- 
pally by  fortune,  but  who  have  a  real  character, 
and  who  determine  to  repay  the  money  obligation 
by  a  life  of  devotion.  These  matches  are  often 
very  happy. 

Others  marry  mere  adventurers,  who  use  their 
wives'  money  for  their  own  pleasure,  and  neglect 
and  insult  the  women  who  have  benefitted  them. 

The  etiquette  of  marriage  should  be  as  formal 
and  as  studied  as  that  of  other  recognized  insti- 
tutions. If  a  man  marries  a  woman  for  her 
money,  he  should  never  let  her  suspect  it.  He 
should  be  studiously  attentive  and  kind.  Indeed, 
much  should  be  urged  upon  even  loving  hus- 
bands, who  support  their  wives  handsomely,  in 
regard  to  the  manners  of  every  day.  Married 
people  should  never  let  familiarity  breed  con- 
tempt. 

The  most  calculating  people  in  the  world,  the 
French,  who  marry  their  children  to  each  other 
without  speaking  of  love,  demand  that  one  party 
.shall  bring  as  much  as  the  other  to  the  common 
fund.     Indeed,  if  the  money  question  comes  in» 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  255 

that  would  seem  to  be  the  best  and  most  honest 
arrangement,  not  allow  an  impecunious  man  to 
be  wholly  supported  by  a  rich  woman.  Young  men 
who  have  large  fortunes  are,  in  iheir  turn,  also  the 
prey  of  women  fortune-hunters.  Every  watering 
place  has  its  managing  mamma,  who  is  looking 
out  for  the  coming  millionaire.  Every  one  who 
is  not  in  the  game  sees  all  the  lures  and  all  the 
snares.  There  is  no  such  hunting  over  "  brush, 
brook  and  brae ' '  as  that  of  a  mamma  with 
marriageable  daughters,  who  has  sighted  a 
"rich  young  man;"  and,  to  do  them  justice, 
the  daughters  supplement  their  honored  parent 
well.  Marriage  has  become  a  money  mar- 
ket, a  stock  exchange,  a  means  to  an  end — too 
much. 

But  if  a  marriage  of  interest  is  made,  how  soon 
the  inevitable  married  flirtation  begins  to  crop 
out— how  the  young  husband,  having  married 
a  woman  whom  he  cannot  love,  begins"  to  be 
attentive  to  some  one  else. 

This  seems  to  be  the  false  etiquette  of  the  age, 
partly  borrowed  from  French  novels. 

It  is,  therefore,  delightful  to  all  unsophisticated 
humans  to  see  the  young  lover  really  in  love,  and 


256  THE   AMERICAK   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

to  see  interest  disappear,  and  unselfish  affection 
take  its  place. 

But  a  young  engaged  couple,  however  much  in 
love,  should  not  make  their  feelings  too  manifest 
— in  public,  at  least.  They  should  remember  that 
people  are  observing  them ;  for,  if  on  a  stage- 
coach drive,  a  picnic,  or  lawn  tennis  party,  or 
other  occasions  where  many  young  people  are 
congregated,  they  seem  too  devoted  to  each 
other,  the  general  pleasure  of  the  party  is  lost. 

The  marriage  money  market  is  most  vigorous 
in  large  cities,  where  an  heiress  rarely  gets 
through  her  first  winter.  The  pursuit  is  some- 
times disgusting,  but  the  ' '  end  justifies  the 
means  ;"  such,  at  least,  is  the  worldly  maxim. 

But  even  in  this  worldly  and  selfish  world  there 
should  be  an  etiquette.  • '  There  is  a  becoming 
'ton'  in  everything,  even  in  religion,"  .says  a 
modem  author.  "  One  of  the  most  important 
points  in  life  is  decency,  which  is  to  do  what  is 
proper,  and  when  it  is  proper."  says  Lord 
Chesterfield. 

A  man,  to  enter  the  matrimonial  money  market, 
must  be  a  gilded  Turveydrop— all  deportment. 
He  must  appear  to  be  all  that  is  good,  proper. 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     257 

and  very  deferential.  If  he  has  claims  to  an 
exalted  social  position,  let  him  air  them  well. 
Let  him  assure  the  lady's  family,  by  every  means 
in  his  power,  that  generally  he  looks  down  upon 
them.  He  should  utter  only  vague  common- 
places. He  must  efface  himself.  Nothing  passes 
so  current  in  society  as  "  conversational  inanities 
and  fossil  facts,  well  polished  into  inexpressive 
smoothness."  Beware  of  saying  an}i.hing  origi- 
nal —it  might  lead  one  into  trouble.  If  he  can 
simulate  a  passion  for  the  young  lady,  so  much 
the  better.  If  he  cannot,  a  lofty  superiority,  and 
an  air  of  giving  them  the  best  article  of  a  hus- 
band that  they  can  buy  for  their  money,  has 
assuaged  many  a  vulgar  family  who  need  posi- 
tion and  are  willing  to  pay  for  it. 

But  if  it  is  disgraceful  and  degrading  to  see  a 
man  marrying  for  money,  simply,  it  is  more 
degrading  to  behold  a  woman  willing  to  sacrifice 
all  that  a  woman  should  hold  most  dear  to  obtain 
what  money  can  buy.  How  many  a  woman  do 
we  see  dragging  around  a  rich,  vulgar  husband, 
who  is  merely  an  appendage  to  her  diamonds  ? 
How  many  an  educated  woman  blushes  for  her 
husband's  grammar?     Who    shall    portray    the 


258  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

more  than  Spartan  endurance  with  which  these 
women  hide  the  vulture,  despair,  which  is  preying 
on  their  vitals  ;  '*  with  what  pardonable  artifice  will 
they  blandly  smile  a  smile  like  that  of  St.  Agnes  at 
the  stake,  or  like  the  sunshine  on  an  overflowing 
volcano."  The  sufferings  of  women  who  have 
married  uncongenial  men  would  fill  a  volume. 

The  English  aristocracy  is  full  of  this  sort  of 
thing.  A  pretty,  portionless  high-born  Lady  Sarah 
must  marry  money ;  so,  some  little  red-faced, 
bouncing,  violent,  vulgar  John  Bull,  with  much 
money  and  splendid  diamonds,  comes  about, 
to  enjoy  having  the  dowager  thrust  her  elegant 
girl  under  his  dreadful  little  nose. 

The  result  shows  itself  in  the  queer,  dis- 
torted, ungainly  children  which  are  born  of  such 
a  union.  Nature  has  its  rights,  which  will  not 
submit  to  be  violated.  Money  can  buy  much, 
but  it  cannot  buy  everything. 

American  etiquette  has  hardly  reached  this 
point,  although  many  parents  do  force  their 
daughters  to  marry  men,  whom  they  do  not  love, 
because  they  have  money. 

Elegant  mammas  will  call  drunkenness  "high 
spirits,"   vulgarity    bonhornmie,    and   licentious- 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     359 

ness  "the  sovring  of  wild  oats  "—if  a  man  has  a 
great  deal  of  money. 

There  is  no  such  a  golden  glass  to  look 
through,  it  transmutes  everything  into  virtue— 
the  possession  of  money.  That  ever  outcropping 
Pharisaism,  which  is  the  so-called  specialty  of 
the  Anglo-Saxon  race,  displays  itself  in  the  mar- 
riage money  market  eminently. 

However,  all  is  not  gold  that  glitters,  and  some- 
times the  money  disappears  and  the  marriage 
remains.  Then  the  husband  is  in  a  sorry  fix.  He 
must  work  or  starve,  and  sometimes  he  finds  that 
the  wife  whom  he  has  married  for  money  is  no 
helpmeet  to  a  poor  man. 

A  man  who  is  mai'ried  for  his  money,  and  is 
found  to  have  none,  is  a  still  greater  burden  ;  for 
very  few  men  who  have  possessed  a  fortune 
from  childhood  can,  if  they  lose  it,  make  another. 
It  is  the  man  whose  energies  have  been  stimu- 
lated by  necessity  who  makes  the  fortune,  and,  if 
that  is  lost,  can  make  another.  There  is  nothing 
so  admirable  as  that  Dame,  Necessity.  She  is  a 
good  teacher  for  the  young. 

But  all  rich  marriages  are  not  unhappy.  Rich 
people  of  both  sexes  have  hearts,  and  can  make 


260  THE   AMERICAN-   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

good  marriages  and  be  happy  ever  after.  Let 
"love  go  before  like  a  light  in  the  pathway," 
and  then — no  matter  which  has  the  money.  It  is 
a  very  good  thing  to  have,  if  it  is  not  the  only 
attraction.  And  there  is  a  positive  moral  obliga- 
tion against  an  improvident  marriage  for  a  couple 
who  have  been  gently  reared :  they  should  not 
marry  without  money. 

There  always  should  be  a  "shot  in  the  locker" 
against  a  rainy  day,  against  prolonged  illness, 
against  children's  needs,  their  education  and 
clothing.  Well-bred,  poor  married  people  suffer 
untold  tortures  in  not  being  able  to  educate  their 
children  according  to  their  rank  in  life.  That 
has  been  one  of  the  many  dreadful  consequences 
of  our  late  civil  war  to  the  South.  A  whole 
generation  of  children  have  grown  up  without 
the  proper  education,  and  with  no  perceptible 
future. 

It  is  not  strange  that  parents  who  have  felt  the 
evils  of  poverty  are  anxious  that  their  children 
should  make  rich  marriages.  There  is  no  want 
so  perceptible  to  maturity  as  that  of  money.  It 
is,  in  its  way,  everything ;  but  parents  who  have 
married  for  love  should  not  ignore  or  forget  theii- 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OP   MANNERS.  261 

own  early  happiness,  nor  the  stron'^  attractions 
which  ^Drought  them  together. 

Although  a  man  who  has  married  for  money 
may  have  a  social  pre-eminence  or  while,  there 
is  a  class  to  whom  he  always  looks  up,  and  whom 
he  must  always  feel  does  not  entirely  respect  him. 
Those  are  the  hard-working,  successful  profes- 
sional or  mercantile  men  who  have  made  their 
own  way.  There  is  much  that  is  very  disadvan- 
tageous and  humiliating  in  the  contrast  of  the 
fat,  sleek  and  lazy  horse  and  the  full-blooded, 
high-mettled  racer.  There  is  no  such  admiration 
felt  by  mankind  for  the  man  who  is  simply  fortu- 
nate, as  for  him  who  deserves  fortune. 

As  for  the  life  of  a  young  man  who  makes  a 
show  for  a  few  years  that  he  may  marry  an 
heiress,  nothing  is  so  contemptible.  He  lives  a 
purely  selfish  existence — he  is  a  mere  cumberer 
of  the  ground.  To  be  the  accomplished  man 
of  society,  he  may  cultivate  a  few  gifts 
and  graces,  but  he  has  no  true  manhood.  He 
may  be  a  convenient  man  to  ask  to  dinner,  an 
eminent  club  favorite ;  must  put  down  a  hand- 
some contribution  to  every  ball  list  and  every 
fashionable  charity    he  must  send  good  bouquets 


262  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

and  be  well  mounted  at  the  hunt ;  he  must  be 
one  of  those  colorless,  civil,  useful  nonentities 
whom  society  loves  ;  he  must  have  no  disagree- 
able, trying  family  alliances.  He  will  thus  be 
asked  where  the  heiresses  go.  He  must  be  seen 
at  every  tea,  ball,  reception  ;  he  must  give  an 
occasional  theatre  party,  and  leave  out  all  the 
people  who  have  been  civil  to  him,  only  inviting 
those  of  the  highest  fashion,  who  have  snubbed 
him.  He  will  thus  be  spoken  of  as  a  young  man 
of  excellent  manners. 

He  must  have  that  air  of  cold-blooded  ingrati- 
tude which  none  but  real  snobs  know,  and  an 
air  of  not  seeing  those  who  have  been  kind  to 
him  in  the  past.  He  must  let  the  lady  who  was 
a  friend  to  him  in  his  youth  find  a  seat,  if  she  can  ; 
but,  if  Miss  Sunball  enters  the  room,  he  must  get 
her  a  seat  at  any  cost. 

He  must  do  the  opulent  bachelor  business  for 
awhile,  and  adopt  the  paralytic  crutch-and-tooth- 
pick  style  ;  he  must  fill  his  rooms  with  hric-d-hrac 
and  Eastlake  furniture,  and  give  very  recherche 
little  suppers. 

But,  if  he  wants  an  heiress  who  knows  the 
value  of  her  money,  he  must  not  appear  to  be 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  363 

fast  or  dissipated ;  he  must  at  least  seem  very 
respectable. 

If  he  marries  a  third-rate  heiress,  with  a  loud 
and  dreadful  style,  he  will  be  perpetually  shocked. 
She  will  dress  beautifully,  but  she  will  talk  slang, 
be  cheek  by  jowl  with  all  the  second-rate  men, 
and  probably  take  him  to  Europe,  flirt  with  her 
courier,  and  then  elope  with  a  French  marquis 
who  turns  out  to  be  a  barber. 

The  worldly  woman  who  determines  to  marry 
for  money  is  often  a  sort  of  robber  baroness  for 
sallying  forth  from  her  castle  armed  to  destroy. 
The  world  is  her  oyster.  If  her  husband  prove 
generous,  she  may  live  with  him  ;  if  he  is  not,  she 
soon  finds  out  an  excuse  to  leave  him.  Such 
women  never  feel  deeply  or  passionately ;  they 
are  social  chameleons,  taking  the  color  of  the 
times  ;  they  are  full  of  subserviency  to  those  who 
are  high  in  place  and  power.  She  reins  in  her 
splendid  bays  at  the  great  house,  but  she  does 
not  stop  to  leave  a  blanket  at  the  cottage.  "  She 
plays  her  part  in  Fortune's  pageant,  and  plays  it 
well;"  but  woe  be  unto  the  lame  child  who  is 
born  to  her. 

Some  of  these  worldly  women  who  enter  the 


364  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

money  market  are  butchers  in  disguise.  They 
are  Neros,  Caligulas :  ferocity  toward  all  her 
rivals ;  egotism  and  selfishness  toward  the  man 
whose  money  she  is  spending.  She  is  a  tigress 
who  eats  her  victim  while  he  is  still  alive.  She 
flirts  and  enjoys  her  life.  He  may  suffer  and  be 
still— and  the  Court  awards  her  alimony. 

It  is  no  wonder  that  the  sight  of  such  a  life 
has  driven  many  a  conscientious  woman  out  of 
society.  She  is  afraid  of  her  temptations.  She 
would  not,  if  marrying  for  money,  behave  quite 
as  badly ;  but  it  might  weaken  her  virtue.  She 
sees  that  no  good  has  come  to  her  early 
friend,  excepting  very  handsome  clothes  and  fine 
equipage ;  as  for  happiness  or  respectability, 
that  has  not  followed  marrying  for  money. 

One  would  think  that  Romeo  would  dislike  to 
ask  his  wife  for  money — '^  Please,  dear  JuUet,  give 
me  a  ducat ;"  but  the  reverse  seems  to  be  the 
case.  A  man  spends  his  wife's  fortune  with 
equanimity,  and  calls  it  his.  She  ought  to  be 
grateful  if  he  does  not  spend  it  on  other  women. 

Such  is  the  worldly  view  of  the  marriage  ques- 
tion. Such  is  the  way  one  looks  at  the  money 
market.   It  is  true,  every  young  couple  are  not  so 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  265 

venal,  but  we  must  recognize  the  growing  danger. 
In  America,  where  estate  and  title  is  not  inherited, 
we  should  have  no  such  thing  as  the  marriage  de 
convenance,  but  it  is  becoming  too  often  a  recog- 
nized institution. 

No  doubt  the  human  heart  is  the  same  in  all 
ages — frivolous,  tragic,  romantic.  There  will 
always  be  the  elopement,  the  love  match  and  the 
marriage  de  conveyance.  The  last  is  the  poorest 
kind  for  a  Republic. 


266  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER   XXI. 

RECOGNITION  AND  SALUTATION. 

EECOGNITION  should  be  quick,  and  saluta- 
tion gracious.  To  be  complimentary,  salu- 
tation should  be  even  more — it  should  be  grace- 
ful, flattering,  courteous,  dignified,  and  suited 
to  the  exact  position  of  the  person  addressed.  To 
an  old  person,  it  should  be  truly  respectful,  for 
there  is  no  such  crown  as  a  crown  of  gray  hairs  ; 
to  a  young  person,  it  should  be  reassuring  ;  to  a 
person  who  is  under  the  pressure  of  calamity,  it 
should  be  gracious  ;  to  a  common  acquaintance, 
just  as  cordial  as  we  wish  to  make  it — and  it 
should  always  be  dignified.  Be  careful  not  to  bow 
too  low. 

One  may  say  that  the  above  advice  is  imprac- 
ticable, that  no  one  could  convey  all  those  adjec- 
tives in  a  bow.  But  fascinating  and  successful 
people  do  all  that,  and  more. 

The  quick  recognition  is  more  difficult.  Many 
people  forget  faces,  more  are  confused  as  to 
where  and  how  they  have  seen  that  face  last, 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     2^1 

There  is,  to  the  dwellers  in  cities,  a  perfect 
confusion  as  to  degr-ees  of  acquaintance,  if  the 
memory  for  people  and  faces  is  not  extra- 
ordinary. 

Therefore,  people  who  are  near-sighted,  or  who 
have  not  memory  of  faces,  cannot  be  quick  at  a 
recognition.  They  are  always  in  doubt.  Such 
people  are  rarely  popular.  People  believe  them 
to  be  cold. 

But  if  a  person  has  a  truly  cordial  disposition, 
nothing  can  prevent  their  showing  it  finally. 
Manner  is  but  the  mask  of  character  after  all ; 
the  true  nature  will  come  out. 

But  we  cannot  all  stop,  in  this  busy  world,  to 
show  off  our  true  natures.  Emerson  says  :  "  The 
men  we  see  are  whipped  through  the  world. 
They  are  harried,  wrinkled,  anxious  ;  they  all 
seem  the  hacks  of  some  invisible  riders. "  Women 
are  in  a  great  hurry  also.  The  atmosphere  drives 
us  with  invisible  whips.  How  shall  we  greet 
each  other— this  great,  hurrying  and  rapidly  pass 
ing  stream  of  people  ? 

We  must  cultivate  a  manner,  study  a  recog- 
nition and  a  salutation  which  shall  convey  a 
kindly  meaning  at  least. 


268  THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

As  we  go  thus  rapidly  through  the  world,  trying 
to  do  our  work  as  best  we  may,  perhaps  we  meet 
an  old  acquaintance  who  has  been  for  years  in 
the  East.  His  face  is  almost  forgotten,  but  still 
it  recalls  something.  He  has  not  forgotten  us, 
and  looks  eagerly  for  a  bow  and  a  smile.  Life 
has,  perhaps,  been  lonely  and  sad  to  him  ;  to  us 
it  has  been  replete  with  emotion  and  crowded 
with  event.  Shall  we  disappoint  him  ?  No  ;  let 
there  be  a  recognition,  as  quick  and  gracious 
as  possible,  to  that  wistful  face.  "We  can  re- 
member who  he  is  afterwards.  It  is  astonishing 
how  soon  that  memory  comes  after  the  necessity 
for  it  has  passed.  It  is  like  that  belated  wit 
which  the  French  call  "Pesprit  de  Vescalie^'^^ — 
the  wit  of  the  stair-case— the  good  things  which 
we  remember  that  we  might  have  said  as  we  go 
upstairs  to  bed  aftei*  the  party  is  over. 

Let  at  least  the  passer-by  read  in  your  face 
your  desire  to  be  courteous.  If  you  cannot 
remember  him,  at  least  give  him  a  pleasant  bow, 
if  he  bows  to  you.  Such  salutations  hurt  nobody, 
not  even  a  lady  alone,  who,  of  course,  must  be- 
circumspect.  In  the  pohte  bow  of  a  lady,  full  of 
purity  and  good-will,  marked  with  dignity  and 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     269 

respect,  the  man  of  irregular  life  finds  as  profound 
a  check  to  insult,  as  in  the  haughty  disdain  of  one 
who,  perhaps,  overestimates  his  admiration. 

There  is  nothing  finer  than  a  sweet  dignity.  It 
seems  to  be,  perhaps,  the  best  quality  of  a 
woman,  and  to  teach  her,  intuitively,  how  low  to 
bow,  how  to  smile,  how  to  receive  and  how  to 
dismiss  her  friends.  Women  whose  manners  are 
too  familiar  never  have  much  power.  People  do 
not  care  for  that  which  they  gain  easily,  and  yet 
cordiality  is  a  very  necessary  adjunct.  A  woman 
who  can  express  that  by  a  bow  is  sure  to  be  a 
favorite. 

If  a  gentleman  comes  up  to  a  lady  at  a  crowded 
watering-place,  and  claims  acquaintance,  and 
she  has  no  idea  who  he  is — an  incident 
which  happens  frequently — she  should,  after 
speaking  to  him,  frankly  tell  him  her  dilemma, 
and  ask  for  his  name.  She  can  say  to  him,  that 
she  has  a  poor  memory  for  faces,  that  she  sees 
many  people,  that  she  begs  that  he  will  forgive 
her.  Few  men  are,  and  none  ought  to  be,  so  ill- 
tempered  as  to  object  to  this  inquiry.  If  they  are 
so  thin-skinned  as  to  care,  the  acquaintance  may 
as  well  stop  there. 


270  THE   AMEBICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

To  make  the  case  our  own,  let  us  measure  our 
sensations  toward  oiu-  friends  by  their  remem- 
bered salutations.  We  have  no  very  kindly 
feeling  toward  Mrs.  Tower,  who  gives  us  a  lofty 
and  brief  bow,  as  if  she  wished  to  get  rid  of  us  as 
soon  as  possible  ;  still  less  do  we  admire  Mrs. 
Smiley,  who  bows  verj-  much  too  low,  and  with 
an  excessively  foolish  cordiality  which  we  know 
she  does  not  feel.  We  are  not  fond  of  Mrs. 
Weathercock,  who  bows  to  us  fervently,  when 
we  are  fashionable  and  well  dressed,  but  who 
does  not  see  us,  when  we  are  under  the  ban  of 
adversity. 

But  we  remember  Mrs.  Heartwell's  elegant  and 
formal  courtesy  with  pleasure,  for  it  shows  that 
she  intends  always  to  be  perfectly  respectful  to  us. 

Of  course,  from  this,  all  through  the  gamut  of 
the  affectionate  greetings  we  range  om*  friends. 
There  is  the  curiously-acute  eye  and  the  long- 
resting  glance  of  Mr.  Oakland  ;  he  is  the  most 
interesting  of  our  acquaintances,  for  his  bow 
always  says:  "1  should  like  to  stop  and  talk 
with  you,"  or  that  of  General  Tigbtfit,  which 
expresses  the  most  exalted  respect. 

The  bow  of  a  clergyman,  a  lawyer,  an  editor, 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS.  271 

a  president,  a  man  who  is  compelled  to  know 
everybody,  can  scarcely  be  called  a  disinterested 
bow.  It  must  be  a  somewhat  formal,  studied 
and  conventional  bow.  For  no  man  can  feel 
equally  well  disposed  toward  three  thousand 
people ;  but  the  character  of  the  individual  will 
stamp  even  this  universal  bow. 

The  reason  of  the  unpopularity  of  a  certain  dis- 
tinguished family  in  the  United  States,  and  their 
certain  defeat  if  proposed  for  any  public  office, 
is  attributed,  by  close  observers,  to  their  disagree- 
able, cold  and  rude  manners,  in  the  matter  of 
recognition  and  salutation — the  frigid  bow  and 
the  contemptuous  salutation. 

It  must  be  conceded  that  Americans  have 
better  manners  than  the  English,  but  even  here 
the  Anglo-Saxon  brutality  does  break  out  in  us 
occasionally.  The .  Latin  races  are  far  ahead  of 
us  in  the  matter  of  salutations.  The  Italian  lan- 
guage is  full  of  moso  lovely  phrases.  "A  thou- 
sand beautiful  days  to  you,"  says  the  Italian. 
The  Oriental  salutations  are  as  splendid  as  their 
robes,  "May  you  live  a  thousand  years;"  the 
very  exaggeration  and  impossibility  of  the  re- 
quest is  in  its  favor.    It  breathes  such  large  con- 


272  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

sideration.  How  ungraceful  would  it  be  to  limit 
that  request  so  as  to  say:  *' May  you  live  sixty 
years,"  or  even  ninety  years.  It  is  better  to 
make  a  handsome  allowance,  even  of  nine  hun- 
dred years. 

Our  perception  far  outruns  our  talent,  and  we 
know  people,  intuitively,  by  a  bow  or  a  salutation . 
We  read  the  cold-blooded  cynic  or  the  hypocrit- 
ical time-server  by  his  bow  and  smile.  A  deep 
sympathy  is  all  that  we  require  to  teach  us,  that 
the  shy  man  would  be  more  responsive,  if  he 
could,  and  that  the  gaxcche  man  is  sincere,  and 
would  like  to  be  graceful.  There  is,  of  course,  a 
difference  of  impressionability ;  but  the  most 
simple  and  sincere  are  apt  to  be  the  keenest  read- 
ers of  character.  A  child  and  a  dog  are  never 
mistaken. 

We  should  watch  and  cherish  not  only  all  right 
sentiments  of  the  heart,  but  all  intellectual  and 
moral  sensibilities.  They  are  the  fountains  of 
true  perception. 

If  we  thus  question  the  recognition  and  saluta 
tions  of  our  neighbors,  we  shall  grow  more  genial. 
cordial  and  polite  ourselves.  We  shall  remember 
to  say  to  the  sick  man,  '*  How  are  you  to-day  ?" 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     273 

and  add,  "  Better,  I  hope,"  with  a  cheerful  voice. 
We  shall  take  care  to  bow  to  the  shy  and  the  poor 
and  the  friendless,  in  a  manner  which  shall  make 
them  happier  all  day.  "We  shall  not  forget  the 
passing  salutation  to  our  unknown  friend  whom 
we  meet  on  the  road.  He  is  to  go  on  the  same 
weary  way  over  which  we  have  just  come.  Let 
us  give  him  a  passing  smile  and  benediction. 
Lohengrin  met  a  weary  pilgrim,  to  whom  he  gave 
water,  and  the  pilgrim  gave  him  a  staff.  He 
planted  the  staff  in  the  earth,  and  the  wood  grew 
and  blossomed  into  lilies.  Then,  says  the 
legend,  Lohengrin  knew  that  he  had  saluted  an 
angel  unawares. 

"  The  world  is  always  opulent,  the  oracles  are 
never  silent,  but  the  receiver  must,  by  a  happy 
temperance,  be  brought  to  that  top  of  condition, 
that  frolic  health,  that  he  can  easily  take  and  give 
these  communications." 

We  are  not  always  in  the  mood  to  salute  angels  ; 
we  do  not  always  have  an  angel  to  salute.  It  is 
an  imperfect  world,  full  of  impoliteness,  but  to 
rise  superior  to  that  imperfection,  to  be  always 
gracious  and  polite,  is  to  meet  one's  fate  more 
than  half-way ;  to  do  a  great  deal  toward  being, 


274  THE   AJVIERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

what  we  should  always  hope  to  be — true  gentle- 
men and  true  ladies. 

It  is  a  sign  of  success,  that  fine  manner  which 
is  always  expressive  of  a  good  heart,  and  a  true 
respect,  for  all  whom  we  meet. 

Recognition  and  salutation  are  vulgarized  and 
barbarously  maimed  by  a  coarseness  of  manner 
on  the  part  of  young  women. 

A  gentleman  once  said  that  he  had  fallen  in 
love  with  a  gentle  girl,  but  that  he  had  heard  her 
say,  in  a  stentorian  voice,  to  a  passing  youth, 
"How  are  you,  Charley?"  and  his  love  had 
turned  to  bitterest  hate.  He  did  not  like  that 
assumption  of  mannishness.  It  would  have 
pleased  him  better  if  she  had  addressed  Charley 
with  a  spice  of  maidenly  reserve. 

Foreigners  have  a  beautiful  custom  of  saluting 
the  dead.  Whenever  they  pass  a  coffin  they  take 
off  their  hats  ;  to  that  silent  majesty,  who  cannot 
respond  ?  The  custom,  in  Europe,  of  having  the 
coffin  lying  in  state  at  the  door  of  the  inner  court, 
as  in  Paris,  with  the  respectful  salutation,  has 
moved  many  a  heart ;  it  is  the  veriest  spirit  of 
reverential  politeness. 

Remember  how  easy  it  is  to  depress  the  world 


fH&  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAKNERS.  275 

with  a  gloomy  countenance.  There  is  not  a  joy- 
ful youth  or  an  innocent  girl,  buoyant  with  life, 
who  cannot  be  chilled  by  an  unkind  salutation. 
Despondency  comes  readily  enough  to  us  all.  The 
daily  greeting  of  our  friends  can  raise  or  depress 
our  spirits  for  a  day. 

"  I  have  just  met  Mr.  Iceland,  and  his  bow  has 
given  me  a  severe  cold  in  the  head,"  said  a  wit. 

And  to  think  that,  by  a  bow  or  a  smile,  we  may 
add  energy,  inspire  hope,  and  help  some  brother 
to  fight  the  battle  of  life  !  Charles  Lamb  writes 
a  delightful  sketch  of  Captain  Jackson,  a  poor 
half-pay  ofiicer,  whose  wealth  of  imagination 
made  life  seem  gloriously  luxurious,  and  whose 
hearty  salutation  was  enough  to  make  you  believe 
yourself  worth  a  fortune  and  endowed  with  per- 
petual youth. 

And  be  careful  at  home  to  remember  the 
morning  and  evening  salutation.  The  good  man- 
ners of  a  household  are  generated  as  the  atmos- 
phere is  generated  by  perpetual  renewals.  The 
household  is  purer  and  happier,  where  the  mother 
kisses  her  son  every  morning,  where  the  daughter 
kisses  her  father,  with  a  good-night  blessing. 
All  members  of  a  family  are  better  and  happier, 


276  THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

if  they  begin  the  morning  with  a  salutation  to 
each  other. 

Nothing  is  so  out  of  taste,  or  so  productive  of 
ill-feeling,  as  the  somewhat  reprehensible  practice 
of  saying  disagreeable  things  to  each  other,  and 
calling  it  familiarity.  It  is  of  that  familiarity 
which  breeds,  not  only  contempt,  but  hatred. 

A  brother,  who  enters  the  room  and  addresses 
his  sister  with  ''How  now,  Louisa?  Why,  you 
look  as  yellow  as  saffron,  your  eyes  are  like 
gooseberries  1"  is  a  cad ;  a  sister  who  remarks, 
"Do  leave  the  house,  Harry,  your  cigar  is  most 
offensive,"  and  so  on.  These  are  salutations 
which  could  be  omitted. 

The  telling  of  people  that  they  look  very  badly 
is  another  salutation  which  had  better  be  omitted, 
unless  to  those  people  "  who  enjoy  bad  health," 
and  are  very  glad  to  be  always  complaining.  There 
are  a  set  of  hipped  individuals  who,  in  perfect 
health,  delight  to  play  with  gloom  and  who  say  : 

"  Tend  me  to-night ; 
Maybe  it  is  the  period  of  your  duty  ! 
Haply  you  shall  not  see  me  more,  or  if, 
A  mangled  shadow  !  perchance  to-morrow 
You'll  serve  another  master :  I  look  on  you 
As  one  who  takes  his  leave  I'" 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  277 

Such  a  malade  imaginaire  delights  to  be  told 
that  he  looks  ill.  Let  us  gratify  him.  He  will  be 
up  to-faiorrow,  eat  an  immense  breakfast  and 
attend  all  our  funerals. 

The  manners  of  Puritan  Yankeedom,  which,  in 
the  rural  districts,  delight  in  plain  truths,  de- 
lighted in  such  salutations  as  this  :  "  Well, 
I  see  you  are  getting  old  as  well  as  myself  !'" 
"  Ain't  you  looking  a  little  too  thin  ?  Seems  to 
me  you  are  rather  down,"  and  various  compli- 
mentary reassurances  of  that  kind.  There  is  no 
curing  such  a  truthful  spirit  as  that !  Let  us  hope 
that  it  will  live  and  die  in  its  own  mountains. 

Human  nature  is  such  a  poor  thing  at  best  that 
it  needs  all  the  aid  it  can  receive  from  a  cordial 
greeting.  Never  be  afraid  to  take  the  initiative 
in  politeness,  and  remember  to  be  respectful  to 
those  in  age  and  position  who  are  your  superiors  : 

"  Great  men  may  jest  with  saints,  'tis  wit  in  them  ; 
But  in  the  less,  foul  profanation." 

A  man  cannot  be  too  respectful  in  his  saluta- 
tion to  a  lady.  A  lady  cannot  be  too  gracious  in 
her  salutation  to  all  people,  if  modesty  and 
dignity  reign  in  her  heart. 


278  THE   AMERICANS-   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XXn. 

THE   ARAB   LAW   OF   HOSPITALITY. 

IT  was  the  remark  of  a  famous  editor  who 
visited  America  several  years  ago,  and  who 
afterward  wrote  a  book  about  us,  that  an  Ameri- 
can knew  how  to  be  a  host,  but  did  not  yet 
understand  the  etiquette  of  being  a  guest. 

It  is  probably  quite  true  that,  according  to  the 
English  idea,  an  American  did  not,  in  former 
years,  understand  the  severe  etiquette  which 
reigns  in  an  English  country-house.  There  the 
guests  are  expected  to  come  at  the  hour  invited, 
and  to  leave  precisely  by  the  train  which  is  speci- 
fied in  the  note  of  the  host. 

The  reason  for  this  is  obvious.  A  number  of 
guests  are  invited,  with  great  system,  for  three 
days,  and  another  company  for  the  ensuing  three 
days,  which  invitation  is  always  so  accurate  that 
it  specifies  even  if  the  guest  is  to  leave  by  the 
"eleven  train,"  or  the  "one  train,"  as  they  say 
in  England. 

The  great  house  is  thus  tilled  continuously  with 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  279 

a  series  of  congenial  guests  from  the  1st  of 
September  until  after  Christmas.  The  leisure 
man  who  is  a  good  story-teller,  can  sing  a  song, 
or  act  in  private  theatricals,  is  always  in  great 
demand,  and  on  the  events  of  these  country 
visits  hang  most  of  the  incidents  of  the  modern 
society  novel.  Dickens  described  the  less  stately 
kospitality  of  the  English  country  squire  in  his 
"Christmas  at  the  Wardles,"  where  the  re- 
nowned Pickwick  Club  spent,  perhaps,  the  most 
jolly  week  of  which  we  have  any  account  in  mod- 
ern contemporaneous  literature. 

But  even  jolly  Mr.  Wardle,  or  the  class  which 
he  represents,  would  be  particular  as  to  a  certain 
etiquette.  Mr.  Wardle  would  expect  all  his 
guests  to  arrive  at  the  hour  which  he  had 
named,  and  always  to  be  punctual  at  dinner. 

It  would  be  better  for  us  in  this  country  if  we 
were  as  particular  about  the  duties  of  a  guest. 
We  are  too  apt  to  go  and  see  our  friends  when 
it  is  convenient  for  us,  and  not  when  it  is  con- 
venient for  them.  Trusting  to  that  boundless 
American  hospitality,  we  decline  an  invitation 
for  the  6th,  saying  we  can  come  on  the  9th  of  the 
month. 


280  THE  AMEKICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS. 

This  is  not  etiquette  ;  we  should  go  on  the  6th, 
or  not  at  all.  Vv'e  should  also  ask  our  host  to 
define  the  limits  of  our  stay,  so  that  we  may  not 
overstep  our  welcome.  The  terms  of  an  Ameri- 
can invitation  generally  are  :  "Come  when  you 
can,  and  stay  as  long  as  you  like,"  which  is.  cer- 
tainly, hospitable,  bnt  it  is  not  etiquette. 

Now,  the  Arab  law  of  hospitality,  which  has  been 
the  phrase  with  v.hich  we  have  chosen  to  head 
this  paper,  is  so  noble,  so  comprehensive  and  so 
grand,  that,  although  it  transcends  all  etiquette, 
we  must  use  it  to  enforce  the  meaning  of  eti- 
quette and  its  vitfi  I  spirit. 

"Welcome  the  coming,  speed  the  parting 
guest,"  is  found  in  the  Arabian  as  well  as  the 
Latin  poets.  The  Arab  goes  further:  "He  who 
tastes  my  salt  is  ,«f),cred ;  neither  I  nor  my  house- 
hold shall  attack  him  ;  nor  shall  one  word  be 
said  against  him."'  "  Bring  com,  wine  and  fruit 
for  the  fasting  str;inger  ;  give  the  one  who  departs 
from  the  shelter  f)f  thy  tent  the  fastest  horse  in 
thy  possession.  I.t  t  him  who  would  go  from  thee 
take  the  fleet  dromedary ;  reserve  the  lame  one 
for  thyself." 

These  children  of  the  desert,  with  their  grave 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  281 

faces,  composed  manners  and  noble  creed  of  hos- 
pitality, covild  preach  us  moderns  many  a  lesson 
in  etiquette. 

One  phrase  should  be  particularly  studied : 
"  Nor  shall  one  word  be  said  against  him." 

Unless  a  guest  has  been  particularly  objection- 
able, it  is  in  the  worst  taste  to  criticise  him  se- 
verely after  he  has  gone.  He  has  come  to  you  at 
your  invitation.  He  has  staid  at  your  house  at 
your  request.  He  has  come  as  to  an  altar  of 
safety,  an  ark  of  refuge,  to  your  friendly  roof. 
Your  kind  welcome  has  unlocked  his  reserve. 
He  has  spoken  freely,  laid  off  his  armor,  felt  that 
he  was  in  the  presence  of  friends.  If,  in  so 
doing,  you  have  discovered  in  him  a  weak  spot, 
be  careful  how  you  attack  it.  The  intimate  un- 
reserve of  your  fireside  should  be  respected. 

And  upon  the  guest  an  equal,  nay,  a  superior, 
conscientiousness  should  rest,  as  to  any  revelation 
of  what  particular  secrets  he  may  find  out  while 
he  is  a  visitor.  No  person  should  go  from  house 
to  house  bearing  tales.  No  stories  of  the  weak- 
nesses of  this  member  of  the  family,  or  the  eccen- 
tricities of  that  member,  should  ever  be  heard 
from  the  lips  of  a  guest.     "Whose  bread  I  have 


282  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

eaten,  he  is  henceforth  my  brother,"  is  another 
fine  Arab  proverb,  worthj^  of  being  engraven  on 
all  our  walls. 

Much  harm  is  done  by  the  gadding  and  the 
gossiping  visitor  through  this  thoughtless  habit  of 
telling  of  the  manner  of  life,  and  of  the  faults, 
shortcomings,  or  quarrels,  of  the  family  under 
whose  roof  the  careless'talker  has  been  admitted. 
Even  much  talk  of  their  habits  and  ways  is  in 
bad  taste.  Speak  always  well  of  your  entertain- 
ers, but  speak  little  of  their  domestic  arrange- 
ments ;  do  not  violate  the  sanctity  of  that  fireside 
retreat,  whose  roof -tree  has  sheltered  you  : 

"  Rede  the  rede  of  the  old  roof  tree, 
Scandal  none,  opinion  free, 
Knightly  custom,  Christian  knee, 
Age  calm,  but  youthful  jollity  ; 
Outside  no  traitor  to  his  tiyst 
(No  word  to  which  he  haply  list) 
Shall  blur  the  picture  of  that  home. 
Which  broufcht  those  in  who  widely  roam, 
But  grateful  thanks  and  courtesie 
Should  upward  float  to  thee,  old  tree.'" 

Such  is  the  true  old  Anglo-Saxon  idea  of  the  duty 
of  a  guest.     We  cannot  improve  upon  it. 

The  manifest  etiquette  demands  that,  once  in 
your  friend's  house,  you  inform  yourself  as  to  the 
hom-s  and  customs,  and  conform  exactly.    Break- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  283 

fast  is  an  informal  meal,  and  most  large  houses 
now  allow  their  guests  to  take  a  cup  of  tea  and 
an  egg  in  their  own  room,  and  to  not  regularly 
breakfast  until  eleven  or  twelve  o'clock.  But  if 
the  host  is  particular  as  to  an  early  breakfast, 
and  the  hostess  says,  "  We  shall  expect  you  at  the 
breakfast  table  at  eight  o'clock,"  her  guest  is 
bound  to  obey. 

Inmost  houses,  however,  the  guest  can  break 
fast  when  he  pleases.  A  cold  ham  on  the  side- 
board, and  the  oatmeal,  coffee  or  tea  which 
makes  the  modern  breakfast,  can  be  readily 
served  at  any  hour.  The  American  breakfast, 
with  its  steaks,  chops,  fried,  stewed  and  baked 
potatoes,  eggs  in  a  dozen  forms,  hot  cakes,  toast, 
fruit  and  tea  and  coffee,  fried  fish  and  chicken 
(cold),  and  chicken  broiled,  is  a  meal  unknown 
on  the  Continent — that  luxury  is  reserved  for  the 
ddjeuner  d  la  fourchette,  or  more  like  what  we  call 
luncheon.  A  little  strained  honey,  rolls,  fresh 
butter,  with  cheese,  serves  always  for  the  break- 
fast in  Switzerland.  In  France,  a  cup  of  cafe-an- 
laU,  a  roll  and  butter  is  enough.  In  England,  a 
roll  or  muffins  and  jam,  with  excellent  black  tea, 
and  a  cold  cut  at  the  sideboard,  is  quite  enough. 


284  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Our  American  breakfast,  though  delicious,  is 
quite  too  much  to  begin  the  day  on.  We  should  be 
better  for  the  more  dedicate  breakfast  of  the  Swiss. 

As  breakfast  is  always  an  informal  meal,  a 
gentleman  may  get  up  and  help  a  lady.  It  is 
rather  pleasant  to  dismiss  the  servants  and  to 
wait  on  one's  self  at  breakfast. 

But  dinner  is  always  a  formal  meal.  The  guests 
should  be  sure  to  be  punctual,  to  be  dressed,  to 
be  in  good  spirits,  and  in  a  talking  mood,  at  din- 
ner. It  is  the  quintessence  of  the  day.  We  must 
save  our  best  story,  our  jeu  d^e^rit,  our  bon  mot, 
if  we  are  so  lucky  as  to  have  any,  for  dinner. 

As  guests,  we  are  bound  to  make  ourselves  as 
agreeable  as  possible.  No  little  tempers,  no  sour 
looks,  no  adverse  opinions,  no  unpleasant  criti- 
cisms, should  fall  from  the  lips  of  a  guest.  The 
most  disagreeable  of  all  circumstances  should 
find  a  guest  firmly  good-tempered.  We  are  not 
asked  to  our  friend's  house  "  to  show  our  little 
tempers." 

Never  abuse  the  weather,  or  the  family  dog. 
Although  the  long  storm  may  seem  tedious,  the 
weather,  for  the  nonce,  is  the  property  of  your 
host.     Try  in  every  way  to  counteract  the  exter- 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS.  285 

nal  gloom  by  suggesting  that  you  can  get  up 
tableaux  or  private  theatricals,  or  that  you  know 
a  trick  or  two  at  cards.  A  guest  should  always  be 
able  to  take  a  hand  at  whist  or  bezique,  and  should 
he  very  composed  as  to  draughts  or  the  heat  of  a 
room.  Never  ask  to  have  a  door  or  a  window 
open,  if  the  hostess  looks  as  if  she  did  not  like  it. 
Be  first  and  always  attentive  to  her.  She  is  the 
queen  ;  be  her  dutiful  subject. 

The  family  dog  is  a  very  hard  case  to  manage. 
If  he  be  ugly,  and  frighten  you,  go  around  him 
cautiously  ;  if  he  be  dirty  and  offensive,  and  if, 
like  Macbeth's  crime,  **  he  smell  to  heaven,"  never 
speak  of  it.  A  family  are  always  sensitive  on  this 
point.  They  will  defend  the  dog  at  the  cost  of 
their  lives,  and  as  a  guest,  if  you  would  preserve 
your  popularity,  do  you  also  defend,  praise  and 
endure  the  family  dog. 

The  servants,  too,  are  another  tender  point. 
No  one,  however  judicious  and  kindly,  can  bear 
to  hear  their  servants  badly  spoken  of  We  are 
the  servants  of  our  servants,  and  we  grow  to  harbor 
their  defects  as  being  our  own  property.  We  are 
jealous  of  their  good  name,  even  if  we  are  aware 
of  their  faults.     We  like  to  abuse  them  ourselves, 


286  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

but  we  do  not  intend  that  anj'  one  else  shall  abuse 
them. 

Above  all  things,  never  join  in  when  one  mem- 
ber of  the  family  attacks  another.  This  is  never 
forgiven.  We  can  be  firm  and  assured  in  our 
own  hatred  of  our  kindred,  but  we  never  like  to 
have  anybody  else  attack  them.  A  father-in-law 
may  call  his  daughter-in-law  all  sorts  of  names, 
but  no  one  else  can  do  so  with  impunity  to  him. 
A  mother  may  abuse  her  daughter  very  vehe- 
mently for  making  an  imprudent  marriage,  but 
she  will  never  forgive  any  one  else  for  doing  so. 
A  brother  will  call  his  brother  a  fool,  and  even 
criticise  his  sister  unfavorably,  but,  if  the  guest 
agree  with  him.  he  will  turn  upon  the  guest  as 
upon  an  enemy. 

As  for  those  who  interfere  between  husband 
and  wife,  history,  poetry  and  the  drama  have 
sufficiently  elucidated  their  unhappy  fate.  Mr. 
Snodgrass,  in  "  Pickwick  "  (to  refer  to  that  immor- 
tal book  again),  declared  that  he  got  the  bootjack 
on  one  side  of  his  head  and  the  hair-brush  on  the 
other. 

It  is  human  nature.  Our  self-love  is  so  great, 
and  so  incorporater]  in  the  idea  of  our  next  of 


^  tHE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS.  287 

kin,  that  we  cannot  bear  that  they  should  be 
spoken  of  by  others  as  we  ourselves  speak  of  them. 

The  Arab  law  thus  holds  good  through  all  the 
transmutations  of  fashion  and  of  time.  We  must 
be  truthful,  honest,  sincere  and  good-tempered. 
Or  if  we  are  none  of  these  things,  we  must  simu- 
late a  virtue,  if  we  have  it  not,  or  else  we  are  not 
fit  to  be  guests.  We  must,  in  spite  of  our  con- 
victions, maintain  an  amiable  hypocrisy. 

It  is  slavery,  no  doubt.  But  visiting,  however 
pleasant,  is  a  sort  of  slavery — our  chains  are 
gilded  and  bound  with  roses,  but  we  must  ac- 
knowledge that  they  are  chains. 

Only  people  who  have  sufficient  love  of  appro- 
bation to  be  always  amiable  should  ever  attempt 
to  visit. 

The  heroic  and  independent  people,  who  can- 
not "  conform,"  should  never  try  to  be  guests. 

The  Arab  law  of  hospitality,  no  doubt,  thoug]^ 
unspoken,  demanded  that  such  people  should 
stay  at  home. 

Be  punctual,  be  ready  to  take  a  back  seat,  be 
patient  as  to  a  small  room,  accept  every  favor 
graciously,  and  every  neglect  with  particular 
sweetness,  if  you  would  be  a  popular  guest. 


THB  AMERICAN    CODE  OF   MANNERS. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

CHARACTERISTICS   OF   DIFFERENT   CITIES. 

FOREIGNERS  find  the  inhabitants  of  our 
cities  differing  so  decidedly  in  their  ideas 
of  etiquette,  that  they  often  declare  that  a 
placard  should  be  set  up  .in  every  city  defining 
the  different  order  of  behavior  to  be  expected  in 
each. 

Washington,  for  instance,  our  capital,  has  the 
manners  of  a  cosmopolitan  foreign  city.  The 
latest  comers  must  call  first.  It  is  etiquette  to 
leave  a  card,  not  only  on  the  President,  but  on 
each  of  the  Secretaries,  and  on  every  foreign 
Minister,  on  the  judges  of  the  Supreme  Court,  on 
all  officials,  and  on  the  officers  of  the  army  and 
navy,  and  upon  such  distinguished  citizens  as 
are  in  the  habit  of  receiving. 

These  cards  should  all  be  returned  within  three 
days  at  farthest.  Mrs.  Fish,  who  was  a  model  of 
propriety  and  of  elegant  manners,  always  re- 
turned her  cards  the  next  day.  The  name  of  her 
reception  day,  in  the  corner  of  her  card,  gave 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     kWy 

her  visitor  leave  to  call  again  on  that  day.  This 
sensible  form  of  allowing  the  new-comer  to  call 
first  saves  a  world  of  time  and  trouble. 

But  great,  busy,  commercial  New  York  has  no 
such  sensible  law  ;  people  must  wait  to  be  called 
upon,  and  there  is  a  vast  deal  of  trouble  and 
fuss. 

Indeed,  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  that  people 
often  give  up  trying  to  get  at  their  friends  in 
New  York.  It  in  a  busy,  .selfish,  preoccupied 
place. 

Yet,  when  a  person  is  well  introduced,  no  city 
can  be  more  hospitable.  It  is  a  city  of  grand 
dinners,  magnificent  receptions  and  the  most 
reche^'cM  entertainments.  But  social  and  truly 
hospitable  it  cannot  be — it  is  too  large  a  con- 
glomerate. 

The  old  saying  was,  that,  in  Philadelphia,  peo- 
ple asked  loho  you  were ;  in  Washington,  they 
asked  lohat  you  were ;  in  New  York,  how  much 
you  were  worth  ;  in  Boston,  who  your  grand- 
father was.  It  is  a  just  classification.  The  old 
and  respectable  aristocracies  of  Philadelphia  and 
Boston  still  have  time  to  concern  themselves 
with  ancestries.     There  is  no  such  trifling  in  New 


290  THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

York.  "  Moi !  Je  suis  man  ancetre,^^  was  the  proud 
remark  of  Napoleon.  It  is  that  of  almost  every 
New  Yorker.    It  is  a  self-made  town. 

In  Washington,  where  intellectual  prominence 
— or  what  we  Yankees  call  "  smartness  "—pre- 
vails, the  natural  inquiry  would  be  :  *'  What  does 
he  or  she  know  ?  Can  he  talk  well  ?  What  is  he  ?" 

In  consequence,  the  society  at  Washington  is 
quite  unparalleled  in  agreeability.  If  there  is 
anything  in  a  man,  it  comes  out  in  Washington. 
It  is  the  city  of  agreeable  conversations ;  it  is 
the  sphere  of  charming  little  dinners.  No  one 
can  be  local  or  narrow  at  Washington. 

It  is  to  be  feared  that  conversation  is  somewhat 
local  and  provincial  in  both  of  the  aristocratic 
cities— Boston  and  Philadelphia.  They  know  so 
well  loho  tJwy  are  themselves,  that  they  expect  yov 
to  know.  They  talk  of  Louisa,  and  Sarah,  and 
Edward,  as  if  you,  too,  knew  who  Louisa,  and 
Sarah,  and  Edward  are.  One  English  nobleman 
declared  that  a  Philadelphian  mentioned  that, 
when  Daniel  Webster  came  to  Philadelphia,  "he 
had  sat  in  his  pew  at  church,"  a  fact  which  did 
not  interest  the  English  nobleman  much,  but 
which  was  very  important  to  the  Philadelphian.  Id 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.    291 

Boston,  although  the  most  intellectual  of  our 
cities—"  the  Athens  of  America,"  "  the  Hub  of  the 
Universe  " — society  is  very  local  and  condensed  ; 
families  have  intermarried,  wealth  and  conse- 
quence are  in  the  hands  of  a  few,  and  these  few 
desire  to  keep  it  in  the  fewest  hands.  They  are 
very  indifferent  to  outside  influences,  and  the 
society,  to  a  stranger,  is  frigid  and  cold.  But. 
when  once  penetrated,  it  is  delightful ;  and  those 
who  know  it  well,  like  it  better  than  any  other. 
No  one  must  attempt,  however,  to  storm  it.  It  is 
a  city  on  a  hill  which  cannot  be  hid,  but  it  is  well 
protected  by  the  invincible  reserve  of  its  people, 
and  one  of  its  wits  has  said  that  a  Boston  man  is 
"condensed  East  wind,"  which  is  not  so  bad  a 
criticism. 

Philadelphia  is  far  more  open-handed  and  easy 
of  access  than  Boston,  for  the  old  Quaker  hospi- 
tality has  been  joined  to  a  southern  warmth,  and 
it  has  produced  a  jolly  sort  of  open-handed  hos- 
pitality. They  feed  one  in  Philadelphia  as  if  they 
intended  to  make  a  pate  de  foie  gras  of  you,  and 
they  are  very  delightful  hosts.  But  beware  how 
you  attempt  to  marry  one  of  their  daughters— 
unless  yon  have  sixteen  quarterings  and  a  grand- 


292  THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

father  !  They  are  particular  about  a  grandfather 
in  Philadelphia. 

Baltimore  is  a  delightful  city,  although  aristo- 
cratic to  the  backbone.  It  is  a  very  hospitable, 
cosmopolitan  town,  and  has  the  cavalier  element 
widely  prevalent  in  its  still  gay  society.  The 
memorj''  of  Charles  Calvert,  Lord  Baltimore,  has 
given  it  somewhat  of  an  English  tone.  But  it  is 
the  best  of  all  tones — there  is  nothing  snobbish 
about  it. 

New  Orleans — gay  Creole  city — had  great  charm 
before  the  war  ;  perhaps  it  has  still.  It  is  well 
placed  for  hospitality,  and  the  old  French  popu- 
lation insures  gaiety  and  a  freedom  from  a  false 
economy,  or  what  seems  as  such. 

Many  strangers  are  struck  with  the  Puritan 
economy  of  Bo.stou.  It  is  never  a  lavish  city, 
and  sometimes  this  note  strikes  harshly  on  the 
ear  of  a  foreigner. 

Of  course,  New  York  is  "  the  Paris  of  America,'" 
and  must  ever  have  the  greatest  attractions  for 
a  stranger.  Even  if  he  cannot  get  into  society, 
he  can  amuse  himself  at  the  many  theatres  and 
at  the  ever-changeful  aspect  of  its  streets. 

A  stranger  should  always  bring  letters  of  intro- 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.  293 

duction,  even  if  only  from  another  city.  A  lady 
will  always  be  glad  to  send  a  card  for  her  re- 
ceptions to  a  well-introduced  man.  She  cannot, 
of  course,  do  so  unless  she  knows  that  he  is  a 
gentleman. 

For  much  mischief  has  been  done  in  New 
York  by  the  willingness  some  hostesses  have 
shown  in  introducing  the  most  specious  and 
plausible  of  adventurers — those  who  travel  with 
a  handle  to  their  names.  Nothing  is  so  hard  as 
to  doubt  a  prince,  a  lord,  or  a  marquis.  Yet  a 
prince  picked  a  pocket  at  a  lady's  reception  in 
New  York  (he  was  a  Russian  prince),  and  she 
was  obliged  to  apologize  to  her  guests  for  having 
to  send  for  a  policeman,  to  at  least  frighten  the 
high-born  villain.  When  she  asked  his  Minister 
for  his  character  he  said:  "Yes,  madame ;  one 
of  the  worst  rascals  in  Russia.  He  cannot  visit 
in  St.  Petersburg." 

With  all  our  care  the  villains  will  get  in,  and, 
alas  !  good  people,  modest  people,  are  kept  out. 
It  is  a  sad  state  of  things  that  there  is  no  social 
weighing  ground  where  the  true  qualities  of  a 
guest  can  be  tested.  Yet  it  finally  settles  itself, 
and  people  get  to  know  each  other,  somehow. 


294  TfiE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

There  are  certain  predatory  arabs  in  all  cities, 
who  go  about  doing  pretty  much  as  they  please. 
No  one  can  say  why  or  wherefore  they  are 
tolerated ;  we  must  only  bow  our  heads,  and 
— tolerate  them. 

To  show  a  thorough  delicacy  as  to  accepting 
civilities,  to  wait  to  be  formally  invited  to  all 
parties,  is  the  etiquette  of  every  city.  One  can- 
not be  too  particular  on  this  point.  Never  ac- 
cept a  verbal  invitation,  such  as  ''  Come  and  dine 
with  me  any  day,"  from  people  whom  you  know 
slightly.  You  will  scarcely  ever  hit  upon  the 
right  day. 

Such  invitations  mean  nothing.  If  your  friend 
wants  you  to  come,  let  him  want  you  so  much 
that  he  will  specify  the  day  and  hour.  Let  him 
say,  in  so  many  words,  that  he  wishes  you  to  dine 
with  him  on  Thursday,  at  seven  o'clock.  It  is 
then  a  very  certain  thing. 

And  you  must  remember,  if  an  invited  guest, 
to  answer  such  an  invitation  immediately,  and  to 
keep  the  engagement  with  as  much  solemnity  as 
you  would  keep  an  oath.  No  one  can  trifle  with 
a  dinner  engagement.  And,  before  leaving  a  city, 
make  a  diimer  call.    In  all  cities  this  is  an  in- 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  395 

violable  rule.  It  makes  exceedingly  bad  feeling 
if  this  not  too  onerous  duty  is  neglected. 

Newport,  which  is  a  sort  of  summer  Washing- 
ton, is  governed  by  almost  the  same  rules  as 
Washington,  except  that  the  new-comer  does  not 
call  first,  except  upon  Mr.  Bancroft,  or  some  very 
great  man.  The  proprieties  allow  of  a  lady 
sending  her  cards  to  her  friends,  saying  where 
she  is  staying.  Now  that  Newport  has  a  Casino, 
where  she  can  place  her  guests  before  the  world, 
as  one  lays  a  pack  of  cards  on  a  table,  this  one 
necessity  of  informing  your  friends  of  where  you 
are  is  done  away  with.  There  are  no  kursaals 
or  casinos  in  New  York,  Boston,  Philadelphia, 
Washington  or  New  Orleans.  The  more's  the 
pity.  It  would  be  as  convenient  as  a  *'  clearing 
house  for  cards." 

Society  is  in  a  transition  state  in  America,  and 
one  is  very  glad  of  anything  which  helps  to  settle 
mooted  points,  such  a  mooted  point,  for  instance, 
as  who  shall  call  first,  who  shall  be  received,  and 
who  shall  not.  These  are  now  left  to  the  hospi- 
tahty  and  good  nature  of  the  individual. 

Everything  is  apt  to  be  better  on  acquaint- 
ance.   *'  Even,"  as  Willis  says  in  his  "  Peijcilings 


296  THE   AMEBICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

by  the  Way"— "even  a  camel— unsightly  as  a 
camel  is,  with  its  long,  snaky  neck,  its  frightful 
hump  and  its  awkward  legs  and  action — wins 
upon  your  kindness  with  a  little  acquaintance. 
Its  eye  is  exceedingly  fine ;  there  is  a  lustrous, 
sufEused  softness  in  its  large  hazel  orb  that  is  the 
rarest  beauty  in  a  human  eye." 

If  so  much  beauty  can  be  found  in  a  camel, 
how  much  may  be  discerned  in  the  most  un- 
promising human  acquaintance  ! 

Therefore,  exclusiveness  is  not  only  hateful  and 
disagreeable,  after  a  certain  point,  but  it  cheats 
the  person,  who  tries  to  adopt  it,  of  a  thousand 
pleasures.  The  people  whom  we  shun  may  be, 
after  all,  the  people  whom  we  should  like  to 
know.    We  are  cheating  ourselves,  and  not  them. 

For  too  exclusive  people  are  not  always  agree- 
able people.  The  most  gifted,  and  rare,  and  un- 
common people  are  not  the  most  exclusive.  Sir 
Walter  Scott  could  know  everybody,  and  yet  not 
sully  his  bright  genius.  Gen.  Washington  said 
that  he  would  not  be  outdone  in  politeness  by  a 
black  man. 

Cultivated  people  are  apt  to  live  in  great  seclu- 
sion in  our  country,  and,  having  neither  intrigue, 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  297 

nor  fashion,  nor  money  making  to  think  of,  they 
are  apt  to  depend  entirely  upon  books  for  their 
amusement,  and,  therefore,  when  they  come  into 
fashionable  society  they  have  nothing  to  talk 
about ;  for  dogs,  horses,  cards,  polo,  lawn  tennis, 
dress  and  the  last  scandal,  Mrs.  Bigtree's  dinner 
and  Mrs.  Smallweed's,  tea  are  what  society  people 
mostly  converse  upon.  So  the  somewhat  uncon- 
genial nature  of  Boston  society  may  be  accounted 
for  by  the  amount  of  culture  which  we  know 
exists  there. 

Philadelphia  has  an  isolated  position,  and  has 
preserved  its  old  customs  and  houses  wonderfully. 
Its  characteristics  are  very  marked  and  highly  re- 
spectable. It  could  perhaps,  however,  be  im- 
proved by  more  breadth  of  street  and  views. 

New  York  is  a  French  city,  a  German  city,  a 
Spanish  city,  a  Yankee  city,  and  an  English  city. 
No  one  can  fathom  what  its  wonderful  Banyan- 
tree  growth  will  be  in  a  hundi-ed  years.  It  is  now 
the  greatest  curiosity  as  to  its  abnormal  condition 
in  regard  to  etiquette  ;  yet  to  those  who  are  well- 
bred,  or  who  desire  to  become  so.  New  York 
offers  the  most  perfect  and  the  most  delight- 
ful society  possible  in  the  world.    If  New  York 


298  THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

has  a  peculiarity,  it  is  its  thoroughly  American 
extravagance. 

It  is  the  most  expensive  town  in  the  world. 
Over-fine  clothes,  over-fine  equipages,  over-fine 
houses  are  its  characteristics.  Its  great  merchants 
have  made  great  fortunes.  They  are,  without 
doubt,  exceedingly  magnificent. 

Still,  society  can  never  arrive  at  Its  most  refined 
tjHpe,  while  wealth  and  display  are  the  prominent 
characteristics  of  a  great  city. 

The  sunshine  and  gladness  of  its  climate,  its 
thousand  enchantments,  its  very  quick,  passionate 
pulse,  its  movement,  even  its  dissipation,  its  va- 
riety and  its  cosmopolitan  character,  all  tend  to 
distinguish  New  York  as  the  very  field  for  a  polite 
society — for  a  perfect  and  a  sensible  etiquette. 
All  these  things  bring  many  healthy  people  to- 
gether in  great  hope  of  there  spending  their 
lives,  and  of  there  trying  their  powers,  and  those 
people  should  so  judiciously  temper  each  other's 
peculiarities,  that  they  may  make  a  perfect  society 
and  induce  a  sensible  etiquette. 


ME  AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MAimERS. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

THE   MORALS   OF   FASHION. 

LET  US  dash  an  assent  at  the  heads  of  the 
enemies  of  fashion,  and  say,  at  once,  that 
the  morals  of  fashion  are  bad.  Let  us  al- 
low that  the  present  story  of  the  aristocracy  of 
England  is  a  disgraceful  one,  that  the  marriage 
contract  is  not  the  holy  and  inviolable  thing 
which  it  once  was.  Let  us  concede  everything. 
It  is  the  best  platform  for  argument. 

Let  us  concede  that  it  is  the  day  of  the  married 
flirts,  that  women  allow  themselves  to  be  talked 
about,  that  the  precious  pearl,  "a  good  name," 
is  often  sold  for  a  less  precious  pearl  necklace 
imported  by  Tiffany ;  all  this  is  true — too  true. 

And  yet  we  shall  find  no  stern  moralist,  who 
does  not  wish  her  daughter  to  be  in  the  fashion. 
Why  is  this  contradiction  ? 

Fashion  means  so  much.  It  means  pre-eminence 
among  our  kind,  it  is  leadership,  it  is  success,  it 
is  pleasure,  it  is  gay  delight,  it  is  the  front  seat. 

Therefore,    we    must    image    fashionable    life 


300  THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

as  a  great  sea  on  which  all  crafts  are  sailing. 
Here  is  a  craft  which  we  all  know  is  not  sea- 
worthy, and  yet  it  makes  great  show  on  the 
waters — it  outsails  all  other  craft,  it  is  the  fore- 
most yacht  of  the  squadron.  We  see  a  very  top- 
heavy  look  about  her  sails,  and  a  dangerous  tip 
to  her  keel,  yet  she  gets  ahead.  Is  it  strange  that 
all  the  yachts  try  to  imitate  her  ?  It  is  not  until 
she  goes  down  that  we  say:  "Alas  !  there  was 
always  something  wi*ong." 

Now,  it  is  to  be  observed,  on  the  other  hand, 
that  all  fashionable  people  are  not  bad.  It  is  per- 
fectly possible  to  touch  pitch  and  to  not  be  de- 
filed. We  are  all  of  us  susceptible  to  good  as 
well  as  to  evil  impressions.  A  lovely  mother  and 
her  lovely  daughter  may  go  about  together 
through  the  excesses  of  fashion,  as  they  would 
pick  their  way  through  a  dirty  lane,  and  neither 
would  soil  their  feet.  But  it  requires  several 
talents  to  enable  one  to  accomplish  this. 

First,  purity  of  heart  ;  to  the  pure,  all  things 
are  pure.  Secondly,  clearness  of  head;  one 
must  see  where  vivacity  ends,  and  where  vulgarity 
begins.  Thirdly,  a  self-command  which  is  nearly, 
if  not  quite,  miraculous. 


THE  AMB5RICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.  301 

With  these  three  adjuncts,  a  woman  may  be  as 
fashionable  as  she  pleases,  and  still  remain  a  good 
woman.  She  maybe  the  companion  of  women 
who  use  their  charms  as  a  means  of  procuring 
camel's-hair  shawls,  and  Worth  dresses,  and 
diamonds,  and  yet  maintain  a  reputation ; 
she  may  know  these  whited  sepulchres,  and  still 
remain  pure.  Claims  of  family  keep  bad  wo- 
men in  society,  and  are  all-powerful.  They  can- 
not be  read  out.  The  pure  must  know  them,  and 
be  assorted  with  them  in  the  general  estimation, 
yet  they  can  remain  correct  themselves. 

With  clearness  of  head,  a  mother  can  decide 
just  how  much  she  will  allow  her  daughter  to 
dance,  just  how  much  she  will  allow  her  to 
ride  on  top  of  a  coach,  how  much  she  shall  dress, 
what  men  she  shall  know.  It  is  a  question  which 
constantly  asks  itself — how  much  ? 

For  no  mother  must  conceal  from  herself  the 
fact  that,  under  its  garb  of  flowers,  society  is 
a  masquerade  of  hate.  The  serpents  of  envy, 
hatred,  detraction  and  malice  are  bred  by  the 
very  warmth  and  richness  of  the  soil.  If  a 
woman  is  richer  than  her  neighbors,  entertains 
more  and  better,  there   are   those  who  will  say 


302  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

disagreeable  things  about  her.  If  a  woman  has 
the  fatal  gift  of  beauty,  there  are  always  spirits, 
full  of  detraction,  who  will  doubt  the  genuineness 
of  the  color,  and  find  falseness  in  the  smile. 

If  a  woman  has  that  mysterious  talent  which 
includes  all  talents — a  talent  for  success — she  may 
be  sure  that  she  will  be  attacked.  She  has  no 
armor  of  proof  that  will  defend  her  from  the 
sneers  of  the  unsuccessful. 

But  what  soldier,  who  had  the  proper  stuff  in 
him,  ever  left  or  shunned  the  field  of  battle  be- 
cause there  was  danger  there  ?  What  woman  re- 
treats before  such  foes  as  these  ?  Rather  fight 
and  be  killed,  than  to  run  away. 

However,  a  knowledge  of  these  facts  is  worth 
having.  One  must,  to  be  a  woman  of  fashion,  a 
woman  of  the  world,  enter  the  lists  knowing  the 
power  of  her  adversary.  She  may  perpetually 
carry  off  the  wreath,  but  she  must  fight  her  battle 
with  eternal  vigilance. 

Now,  knowing  what  is  to  be  feared,  let  us  see 
what  is  to  be  gained. 

The  society  of  our  kind,  the  cultivation  of  the 
social  virtues.  We  have  read  in  Rabelais  and  in 
Browning  the  evils  of  a  conventional,  an  isolated, 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  303 

life.  No  horrible,  morbid  vice,  but  may  flourish  in 
the  Isolation  of  an  unnecessary  solitude.  A  man 
grows  to  loathe  himself,  to  hate  his  kind,  who  is 
shut  out  from  the  world.  The  surest  wa,y  to  drive 
a  woman  mad  was  ascertained  by  the  old  Italian 
nobles,  who  secluded  a  hated  wife  in  a  lonely, 
malarial  castle.  There  is  a  malaria  of  the  mind 
which  is  worse  than  that  of  the  body,  and  which 
as  surely  accompanies  solitude. 

Man  was  not  meant  to  live  alone.  Better  by 
far,  society  with  its  false  growths,  and  Fashion 
with  its  shifting  face,  than  a  seclusion  which  may 
lead  to  selfish  introspection,  and  to  a  morbid 
distrust. 

Hawthorne,  whose  solitary  habits  clouded  his 
genius,  and  gave  us  those  morbid  dissections, 
which  can  be  illy  spared  as  artistic  studies,  but 
which  are  not  disposed  to  encourage  cheerful 
views  of  the  human  heart,  regretted  that  he  had 
ever  cultivated  "the  cursed  habit  of  solitude." 
He,  undoubtedly,  was  less  happy  for  it.  There  is 
something  in  the  attrition  of  society  which  is 
good  for  the  body  as  it  is  for  the  mind.  Perhaps, 
we  lose  by  contact  some  unnecessary  electricity 
with  which  we  are  charged  ;  perhaps,  it  stimul^te^ 


304  THB   AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

the  circulation  and  gives  us  a  more  robust  pulse. 
Certainly,  it  saves  us  from  ourselves.  Society 
brightens  up  the  wits,  and  causes  the  dullest 
mind  to  bring  its  treasures  to  the  surface.  Social 
intercourse  has  brought  out  for  us  the  thought  of 
Macaulay  and  the  laughter  of  Sidney  Smith,  the 
wisdom  of  Montaigne  and  the  profound  sarcasm 
of  Voltaire,  the  humor  of  Tom  Hood  and  the 
noble  wit  of  Thackeray. 

Could  we  have  afforded  to  lose  all  this,  and 
more — the  noble  procession  of  people  of  wit  and 
thought,  through  fashionable  life — because  also 
Fashion  brings  a  few  false  growths. 

It  is  a  lamentable  commentary  on  human  folly, 
and  the  snobbishness  which  is  said  to  underlie  all 
the  virtues,  that  a  monarch  can  entirely  alter  the 
view  of  what  is  virtue,  by  making  vice  the  fashion. 
One  needs  but  to  compare  the  state  of  English 
society  during  the  life  of  the  admirable  Prince 
Consort,  and  the  present  state  of  society  under 
the  dissolute  Prince,  his  son,  to  see  it  all. 

Now  the  Queen  is  obliged  to  shut  up  Windsor 
Castle  against  ''professional  beauties"  and  the 
divorced  or  separated  American  adventuresses 
whom  the  Prince  chooses  to  force  upon  English 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE    OF   MANNBR8.  305 

society.  There  is  no  such  tyranny  as  this.  If  the 
Prince  says,  "Let  her  be  invited,"  the  virtuous 
English  matron  and  her  pure  daughter  must  re- 
ceive the  \7orst  woman  who  lives,  and  to  this 
sort  of  tyranny  was  France  subjected  during  the 
lives  of  Louis  XIV.  and  XV.  The  letters  of  Mme. 
de  Sevigne  to  her  daughter  tell  the  story. 

Fashion,  in  our  country,  it  is  to  be  feared,  is 
trying  the  role  of  the  Prince  of  Wales.  It  is  very 
fascinating  to  an  American  mamma  to  hear  her 
daughter  called  Lady  So-and-so,  and,  if  she  can 
achieve  it  by  fastness,  she  is  apt  to  encourage  a 
little  fastness.  It  is  astonishing  to  read  of  the 
tremendous  sacrifices,  humiliations  and  pecuniary 
struggles  which  American  mothers  and  fathers 
go  through  for  the  sake  of  a  titled  alliance.  This 
is  the  worst  weakness  of  fashion. 

Thus  we  go  on  seeing  the  lights  and  shadows, 
and  begin  to  doubt  whether  or  not  the  shadows 
predominate. 

The  "Morals  of  Fashion  "  may  have  another 
reading.  We  may  say  that  Fashion  has  its  own 
morality.  It  is  the  fashion,  fortunately,  in  the 
gay  world,  to  keep  one's  engagements,  to  pay 
one's  debts— particularly  one's  social  debts ;  to 


306  THE    AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MA2mEB8. 

dress  oneself  well,  to  make  oneself  agreeable. 
There  is  no  doubt  that  Fashion  makes  the  world 
more  brilliant— a  better  place  to  live  in.  It  brings 
to  its  adornment  flowers,  music,  gay  colors, 
gems,  fine  furniture,  horses,  carriages  and  splen- 
did houses.  "The  pride  of  life"  is  a  superb 
thing,  it  is  useless  to  undervalue  it. 

Fashion  keeps  aUve  a  thousand  industries.  It 
has  its  benevolent  side.  Let  a  charity  become 
fashionable,  and  it  always  succeeds.  A  fashion- 
able church  seems  a  misnomer,  but  it  has  its 
uses.  Many  a  person  who  is  wholly  worldly,  and 
could  be  reached  no  other  way,  may  be  touched 
some  day,  under  her  silk  and  furs,  by  the  silvery 
tones  of  the  Reverend  Morphine  Velvet.  Even 
his  drawled  utterances  cannot  stifle  the  beauty  of 
that  clarion  call — "  What  shall  all  things  beneflt 
me,  if  I  lose  my  own  soul." 

Then,  again,  a  noble  word  may  be  spoken  by  a 
great  prophet,  which  shall  rouse  the  congregation 
to  better  things. 

Fashion  makes  all  sorts  of  people.  Sometimes 
it  brings  out  a  scornful  beauty — 

"  Disdain  and  scorn  ride  sparkling  in  her  eyes, 
Misprising  what  they  look  on,  and  her  wit 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNliRS.  307 

Values  itself  so  highly,  that  to  her 
All  matter  else  seems  weak.    She  cannot  love 
Nor  take  no  shape  nor  project  of  affection, 
.She  is  so  self-endeared." 

Again,  it  creates  beautiful  and  sweet  young  wo- 
men, who  are  its  pets  and  darlings,  yet  are  never 
spoiled.  They  are  Fashion's  successes,  and  men 
say  of  them : 

"  From  women's  eyes  this  doctrine  I  derive  : 
They  sparkle  still,  the  right  Promethean  fire  ; 
They  are  the  books,  the  arts,  the  academies, 
That  show,  contain  and  nourish  all  the  world." 

Fashion  is  at  its  best  in  the  married  woman, 
who  directs,  purifies  and  ennobles  a  large  circle. 
Her  power  is  endless.     She  is 

"  Subtle  as  sphinx,  as  sweet  and  musical," 
yet  generous,  grand  and  noble  as  Portia  ;  kind  to 
the  young,  a  staff  to  the  old,  a  friend  to  the 
friendless  ;  great  to  her  rivals,  for  she  ignores 
them  ;  faithful  at  home,  a  power  abroad.  Who 
can  measure  the  use,  the  infinite  value,  of  such  a 
woman  ? 

She  makes,  orders,  governs  and  holds  together 
society.  Around  the  outer  edge  of  her  noble 
sphere  the  married  flirts  may  flutter  and  die,  the 
deeply-dyed  adventuress  may  plot  and  ensnare, 


308  THB   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

the  envious  may  rage,  and  the  malicious  imagine  a 
vain  thing.  She  rises  superior  to  them  all.  She 
is  the  queen. 

Fashion  produces  its  worst  effects  when  it 
makes  young  men  efifete.  To  see  a  man  devoted 
to  fashion  and  to  nothing  else,  is  to  see  the  poor- 
est emasculation  of  the  race.  Particularly  the 
form  of  modern  effete  fashion. 

"  Lord  Angelo  is  precise, 
Stands  at  a  guard  with  envy,  scarce  confesses 
That  his  blood  flows,  or  that  his  appetite 
Is  more  to  bread  than  stone." 

It  is  strange  where  Fashion  got  this  creature — 
this  paralytic  and  selfish  monster.  There  is 
something  deep  in  the  heart  of  all  humanity  that 
loves  the  energy,  the  health,  the  vivacity  of  a 
strong  young  man.  We  love  a  lover,  but  he  must 
be  a  manly  one.  We  forgive  even  brutality  in 
man,  if  it  shows  his  strength.  The  errors  of 
youthful  blood  have  ever  been  condoned,  and  the 
wildest  boy  has  often  made  the  noblest  gentle- 
man. But  the  young  man  who  has  no  warmth, 
no  strength,  who  drawls  and  lisps,  and  devotes 
himself  to  his  own  pleasure,  and  says  the  weakest 
things,  who  is  less  than  a  girl  in  his  brawn  and 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  309 

muscle,  and  like  a  dolt  in  intellect— who  wants 
him?  He  must  be  a  spawn  of  the  worst  deca- 
dence of  Paris,  a  false  growth  of  her  miasmatic 
slums  of  wickedness,  the  last  result  of  a  fashion 
which  has  insulted  nature  by  the  marriage  de  con 
venance,  and  a  picture  of  what  Fashion  can  do 
when  she  aims  at  a  failure. 

Fashion  is  at  her  best  when  she  makes  her  men 
love  horses,  dogs  and  hunting,  boating,  games 
and  swimming  ;  when  she  preaches  physical  cul- 
ture. It  is  a  good  thing  to  see  a  man  play  lawn 
tennis  under  a  hot  sun  for  five  hours  ;  you  feel 
that  that  man  could  storm  a  battery. 

Fashion  does  a  good  work  when   she  brings . 
about  a  universal  courtesy— 

"  The  voice  was  soft,  and  she  who  spake 
Was  walking  by  her  native  lake. 
The  salutation  had  to  me 
The  very  sound  of  coiirtesy.'" 

Our  American  young  women  of  fashion  have 
been  accused  of  a  want  of  the  soft  voice,  and  an 
absence  of  courtesy.  Let  both  be  cultivated,  for 
they  are  invaluable. 

Fashion  is  hot  without  a  sense  of  humor,  and 
loves  a  witty  man,  or,  that  rarer  thing,  a  witty 


310  THB  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

woman.  It  loves  an  easy  naturalness,  a  suitable 
and  moderated  gesticulation.  It  does  not  love 
(except,  perhaps,  occasionally  in  dress)  exaggera- 
tion. Indeed,  the  morals  of  fashion  should  in- 
clude a  perfectly  good  taste,  if  there  be  such  a 
thing. 

There  are  some  people  whose  natural  powers  of 
voice  and  manners  exercise  an  Irresistible  fascina- 
tion—they are  always  the  fashion,  for  they  are  the 
stuff  of  which  fashion  should  be  made.  To  please, 
to  make  people  feel  hapjjy,  to  ornament  the  day, 
to  make  a  party  go  off  well — this  is  the  end  and 
aim  of  the  human  race,  whose  pursuit  is  fashion. 

There  are  nobler  aims.  We  do  not  pretend  to 
say  that  there  are  not.  A  life  can  be  better  spent 
than  in  the  pursuit  of  fashion. 

But  we  cannot  ignore  the  power  of  that  subtle 
influence  which  rules  the  world.  We  know  that 
an  absurd  fashion  in  dress  will  come  and  go,  and 
we  shall  all  yield  to  it.  We  know  that  one  year 
we  wear  boxes  on  our  heads  like  the  Japanese, 
and,  the  next  year,  wheels  like  the  Hottentots. 
We  know  that  we  can  no  more  bind  fashion  to 
our  liking  than  can  sunbeams  bring  flowers  and 
grapes  out  of  a  stone  wall.     We  could  cause  the 


Tiam   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MAHTNERS.  311 

clouds  to  snow  quite  as  soon  as  we  could  make  a 
fashion.  It  comes  mysteriously,  but  powerfully, 
from  some  source  of  which  we  know  nothing. 
Why  did  Queen  Elizabeth  dine  at  eleven,  and 
why  do  we  dine  at  seven  ?  Why  do  we  wear  long 
dresses  one  year  and  short  ones  the  next  ?  Im- 
agine how  a  man  in  a  lawn  tennis  suit,  or  a  girl  in 
an  ulster,  would  have  been  hooted  ten  years  ago ! 

Why  is  literature  so  different  in  different  ages  ? 
A  virtuous  and  even  priggish  age  tolerated  a  free- 
dom of  expression  which  we  cannot  endure. 

The  wit  of  one  age  is  the  stupidity  of  the  next. 
The  immortal  stories  of  Scott,  the  humor  of 
Dickens,  the  poetry  of  Byron,  are  all  subject  to 
the  mutations  of  fashion. 

What  is  it,  then  V  and  what  are  its  morald  ? 


312  THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

SEVERAIi   KINDS   OF   EXCHTSIVENESS. 

THE  wealthy  butcher,  having  made  a  fortune, 
is  sure  to  look  down  on  his  wealthy  com- 
petitor, the  baker,  and  is  not  likely  to  invite 
him  to  his  parties.  In  America  this  struggle 
for  exclusiveness  becomes  always  absurd,  as  one 
traces  back  the  origin  of  families. 

For,  although  there  are  a  few  families  who 
have  here  claim  to  long  descent,  they  are  now  of 
little  importance  to  the  men  who  make  them- 
selves, and  an  aristocracy  in  America  must  be 
one  of  talent  or  money.  The  man  of  the  hour  is 
the  man  of  family. 

It  is  not  strange,  however,  that  amid  all  other 
claims  to  a  fine  society,  we  should  put  in  this  one 
of  exclusiveness 

Mrs.  Mont  Blanc,  for  instance,  wishes,  of  all 
things,  to  keep  her  lofty  height  unsullied,  and 
she  looks  about,  naturally,  for  the  neighboring 
snowy  peaks.  She  is  richer  than  anybody  else, 
her  right  to  a  splendid  position  is  undoubted, 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.    B18 

but  she  cannot  bear  to  shine  alone  in  solitary 
grandeur.  She  wishes  to  have  somebody  come  and 
see  her  splendor,  to  do  her  homage,  to  kcrp  ap 
the  burning  incense  before  her  shrine.  She 
wants  an  entourage  of  worship.  Who  shall  be 
permitted  to  go  and  worship  ?  Will  Mrs.  Aiquille 
Vert  be  good  enough  ?  Will  Miss  Jungfrau  come  ? 
Shall  she  allow  Mrs.  Montant  Vert  the  privilege  ? 
She  will  not  invite  Mrs.  Matterhorn— oh  no  !  for 
Mrs.  Matterhorn  is  too  high  herself.  She  must 
not  have  a  rival  too  near  the  throne. 

Giving  so  much  thought  and  talent  to  the  sub- 
ject, Mrs.  Mont  Blanc  does  arrive  at  a  very  aristo- 
cratic state,  and  her  parties  are  considered  the 
cap-sheaf  of  exclusive  fashion.  She  gets  much 
glory  from  them  herself,  and  every  one  is  desir- 
ous of  being  asked,  for  it  is  thought  to  be  a  cer- 
tificate of  fashion  to  be  seen  at  her  parties. 

But  are  they  agreeable?  Does  not  the  weary 
traveler  come  home  and  say :  "  Well,  it  was 
splendid,  but  stupid." 

Mrs.  Gushingstream  has  another  kind  of  ex- 
clusiveuess.  She  wishes  to  be  very  fashionable 
and  very  fast.  She  will  have  nobody  who  would 
put  a  severe  face  on  that  flirting,  dancing,  gay 


314  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

saturnalia  of  hers.  She  does  not  care  for  Mrs. 
Mont  Blanc  or  Mrs.  Matterhorn.  They  bore  her 
excessively.  She  would  like  one  invitation  a 
year  to  these  parties,  but  she  could  not  stand 
more ;  it  is  important  to  her  fashion  that  she 
should  have  that,  but  further  she  careth  not. 

The  gay  supper  at  Delmonico's  after  the  theatre 
is  more  to  her  taste,  and  the  ride  on  the  coach, 
and  the  dancing  party,  with  all  its  fast  men  for 
partners,  is  her  dear  delight. 

Mrs.  Lindenmere  has  another  kind  of  exclusive- 
ness.  She  only  wants  people  of  talent — men  who 
have  done  something  good  or  great,  women  of 
refined  and  good  lives. 

Mrs.  Lindenmere  is  naturally  aristocratic. 
She  does  like  an  old  family  name,  but  she 
adores  talent  and  despises  meanness.  Her  kind 
of  exclusiveness  is,  perhaps,  the  most  admirable, 
but  cTiacun  a  son  gout.  Every  man's  house  is  his 
castle,  and  we  cannot  say  a  word  as  to  the  pro- 
priety of  each  person  doing  as  he  pleases. 

Exclusiveness,  however,  is  sometimes  only 
another  name  for  snobbery,  ill-temper  and 
jealousy. 

The  fashionable  expert — who  finds  herself  rich. 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  315 

the  possessor  of  a  fine  house,  the  person  who  can 
give  invitations— is  very  apt  to  make  that  position 
a  mere  opportunity  for  wreaking  slights  on  peo- 
ple whom  she  dislikes.  A  woman  who  is  prettier 
than  herself,  who  cannot  help  attracting  the  notice 
of  gentlemen,  such  a  woman  is  always  sure  to  be 
left  out  of  her  parties.  She  takes  no  note  of 
patient  merit.  She  invites  only  those  who  will 
benefit  herself.  She  conducts  the  social  policy 
as  certain  politicians  conduct  the  government, 
merely  seeking  those  friends  who  will  advance  a 
selfish  popularity  for  herself.  She  has  no  grand 
ideas  for  the  rest  of  the  world. 

Exclusiveness  exists  in  religion.  The  Catholic 
who  speaks  of  the  iVoyi-Catholic  instead  of  the 
Protestant,  the  Close-Communion  Baptist,  the 
Episcopalian,  who  denies  that  any  one  has  a 
right  to  translate  the  Bible  but  himself,  these  are 
types,  and  they  are  strongly  attractive  tj^es 
to  the  majority  of  men.  They  are  the  largest  of 
all  the  sects.  So  it  would  seem  that  the  exclusive 
people,  both  in  religion  and  in  fashion,  are  the 
most  authoritative  and  the  most  envied.  Every 
one  wants  to  get  over  the  highest  paling,  and  to 
unlock  the  mast  vigilautly-closed  door. 


316  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

There  is  no  doubt  that,  in  a  selfish  point  of 
view,  exclusiveness  helps  a  fashionable  woman. 
It  gives  her  a  sort  of  dignity  and  worth  which 
those  do  not  have  who  open  their  doors  to  every- 
body. It  seems  to  say  that  she  is  superior  to 
others.  On  the  other  hand,  no  man  or  woman,  or 
idea,  has  ever  improved  society  or  mankind  if  it 
represent  narrowness  and  a  small  exclusiveness. 
The  grand  men,  the  great  women,  the  bold  ideas, 
have  governed  the  world.  Not  alone  that  small 
part  of  it  which  we  call  society,  but  Church,  .state, 
and  literature. 

A  hostess  can  exercise  a  wise  exclusiveness. 
such  as  the  celebrated  Lady  Palmerston  described 
herself  as  doing,  when  she  "  passed  Lord  Palmer- 
ston's  acquaintances  through  a  coarse  sieve,'" 
and  every  hostess  is  bound  to  do  this.  No 
woman  who  entertains  should  ask  everybody  to 
her  house.  The  very  respect  which  she  owes  to 
herself  and  to  her  guests  should  prevent  this. 
As  one  clever  woman  said  once  of  another  :  "  I  am 
never  complimented  by  being  asked  to  Mrs. 
Manywether's  camp."  No  lady  should  allow  her 
house  to  be  degraded  into  a  "camp."  Such  an 
exclusiveness,   as  that   which  Lady   Palmerston 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANNERS.  317 

showed,  is  the  right  kind  for  the  perfection  of 
society.     It  winnows  the  chaff  from  the  wheat. 

Let  us  look,  then,  with  some  degree  of  respect 
upon  those  whom  the  world  calls  fantastically  or 
snobbishly  exclusive.  There  can  be  no  more 
sure  way  of  being  nought  after,  but,  perhaps,  no 
more  cruel  role,  for  the  person  who  adopts  it  hurts 
more  feelings  than  she  helps;  but,  after  all.  it 
may  have  its  uses. 

A  lady,  in  entertaining,  should  always  remem- 
ber one  thing — to  invite  those  whom  she  believes 
to  be  congenial.  She  should  not  make  her  parties 
either  political,  musical  or  literary,  exclusively, 
but  she  should  have  a  general  idea  of  sets  and  of 
their  tastes,  and  of  who  would  like  to  meet  who. 
Especially  is  this  important  at  a  dinner  or  a  break- 
fast, where  the  guests  must  sit  and  talk  for  two 
or  three  hours  together.  There  is  no  such  ordeal 
of  agreeability.  To  invite  a  vaporous,  fashionable 
woman  to  sit  next  to  an  Oxford  or  Cambridge 
professor  who  has  a  speciality  of  which  he  wishes 
to  talk,  is  to  make  both  supremely  miserable.  To 
ask  a  young  poet  to  sit  next  to  an  old  Tabby,  who 
can  talk  nothing  but  dissection  of  character  and 
social   parboiling,  is  to  ruin   his   dinner  at  least. 


318  THE   AMERICAK   CODE  OF  MA:S>'ERS. 

To  ask  .  politician  to  sit  next  to  an  abstract  phi- 
losopher is  as  bad  as  possible. 

Therefore,  a  woman  should  consider  all  these 
questions  before  she  begins  to  entertain.  To 
form  a  salon  in  America  is  said  to  be  impossible, 
because  there  are  no  people  to  whom  society  is  a 
business,  as  it  is  in  Europe,  and  the  very  people 
who  could  do  it  prefer  to  invite  their  own  exclu- 
sive set. 

It  is  curious  to  observe,  at  every  watering- 
place  hotel,  at  every  capital  city,  even  in  every 
small  village,  this  attempt  at  exclusiveness.  It  i? 
astonishing  to  see  how  it  always  hurts  somebody 
to  be  left  out  of  somewhere.  There  is  a  very 
great  tendency  to  a  brutal  assumption  of  one"? 
social  rights  among  our  notiveau  riche  who  imitate 
the  English. 

The  law  of  primogeniture  has  made  the  whole 
English  race  selfish.  The  power  given  to  an 
elder  son  to  turn  his  mother,  and  sisters,  and 
younger  brothers  out-of-doors,  when  he  comes  of 
age,  of  course  engenders  the  profoundest  selfish- 
ness. It  makes  a  privileged  class  who  can  as- 
.sume  to  drive  in  before  another  at  the  Ascot 
races,  throw  dust  with  impunity,  and  do  all  sort?* 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  310 

of  insolent  things.  The  poorer  younger  brothers 
cannot  complain,  because  they  want  patronage. 

Our  rich  people  at  Newport,  and  at  other 
places,  copy  this  insolence  too  often. 

A  man  who  has  money  and  position  here  often 
thinks  it  an  aristocratic  and  English  thing  to  do, 
to  insult  some  one  less  well  known  than  himself. 
He,  of  course,  becomes  unpopular  ;  but  it  is  too 
unfortunately  true  that,  if  he  is  called  exclusive, 
there  are  many  weak  people  who  wish  to  be  in- 
vited to  his  parties,  and  who  will  curry  favor  by 
submitting  to  insults. 

All  this  comes  under  the  head  of  snobbishness, 
which  is  the  undergrowth  of  fashion.  It  is  the 
shadow,  the  toadstool,  the  malaria  of  good  so- 
ciety. 

To  a  young  person  entering  society  we  would 
commend  a  certain  exclusiveness.  It  is  always 
wise  to  choose  one's  friends  slowly  and  with  due 
consideration.  We  are  not  the  most  perfect  be- 
ings ourselves ;  we  do  not  want  to  be  intimate 
with  too  much  imperfection.  A  broken  friend- 
ship is  a  Very  painful  thing.  We  should  think 
twice  ere  we  give  an  intimate  confidence  to  any 
one. 


820  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

But  we  would  not  advise  a  young  person  to 
choose  his  or  her  friends  from  the  worldly  point 
of  fashion  or  wealth.  Try  to  find  those  who  are 
good  and  true,  honorable  and  generous,  well-bred 
and  well-educated,  whoever  they  may  be.  It  is, 
then,  of  no  sort  of  consequence  as  to  what  exact 
shade  of  fashion  they  may  be.  These  people  are 
always  good  society. 

It  is  not  at  all  impossible  tkat  such  persons 
may  be  found  in  the  realms  of  high  fashion,  for 
good  company  makes  many  virt«es.  Politeness, 
self-possession,  fine  manners  stri^ie  in  as  well  as 
out,  and  the  gay  salon  shows  many  a  glimpse  of 
beautiful  character.  By  no  means  suppose,  that 
because  some  leaders  of  fashion  are  insolent,  that 
all  leaders  of  fashion  are  also.  But  try,  in  all 
conditions  of  life,  to  read  character  first,  before 
drawing  general  deductions. 

Exclusiveness  has  this  advantage— it  causes 
a  lady  to  pause  and  to  inquire  into  the  general 
characteristics  of  her  guests ;  their  moral, 
social  and  political  standing.  We  use  the  word 
political  in  its  largest  sense. 

I<n  spite  of  a  determined  exclusiveness,  the  most 
objectionable  men  and  women  get  into  the  most 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF   MANNERS.  321 

fashionable  society.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  the 
possession  of  wealth  is  more  desired  than  the 
possession  of  any  other  attribute ;  that  much  is 
forgiven  to  the  rich  man  which  would  be  rank 
heresy  in  the  poor  one.  We  have  no  such  invio- 
lable virtue  that  we  can  as  yet  rate  Dives  and 
Lazarus  before  death,  as  they  are  rated  after 
death.  Dives  gives  too  good  dinners ;  we  enjoy 
his  balls  and  his  music.  A  handsome,  agreeable 
guilty  woman,  who  can  sing  and  who  can  amuse 
us,  is  very  apt  to  get  into  our  parties  in  spite  of  all 
exclusiveness. 

The  number  of  modest  people  who  have  real 
merit  and  who  are  kept  out  by  the  exclusiveness 
of  society  must  be  very  large ;  yet,  if  they  have 
tact  and  a  gift  for  social  pre-eminence,  they  will 
find  their  way.  The  most  certain  way  to  please 
is  to  show  a  modest  indifference  to  "  the  smiles  of 
the  great "  (they  call  it  patronage  in  England— we 
have  no  such  ugly  word  here),  and  the  surest  way 
to  stultify  one's  fashionable  position  is  to  pu!<h. 
No  one  likes  a  pusher. 

That  would  be  an  ideal  exclusiveness  which 
should  only  admit  the  cultivated,  the  good,  the 
wise  and  the  elegant.    But  where,  then,  would  be 


322  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

the  crowded  halls  of  Fashion  ?  We  fear  that 
they  would  be  very  lonely  !  It  is  not  always  the 
highest  breeding  in  these  degenerate  days  which  is 
* '  the  fashion. ' '  The  manners  on  the  bathing  beach 
at  a  certain  well-known  watering-place  contra- 
dict such  a  belief. 

There  is  little  exclusiveness  there,  and  it  is  a 
pitiable  trait  of  our  nineteenth  century  manners 
that  the  want  of  modesty  and  reserve  on  the  part 
of  women,  and  the  want  of  respect  on  the  part 
of  men,  are  thus  openly  tolerated. 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF   MANKBKS.  323 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

BREEDING,    CULTIVATION   AND    MANNERS. 

GOOD  breeding  comprehends  that  intimate 
knowledge  of  all  that  is  refined,  amiable, 
befitting  and  elegant  in  manner  and  conver- 
sation, which  comes,  first,  from  a  training  at 
the  mother's  knee  and  in  the  father's  house,  and 
secondly,  from  an  ability  and  desire  to  accept 
those  refining  infiuences  which  an  after  knowl- 
edge and  interest  in  society  will  help  to  render 
one  conventionally  well-bred,  according  to  the 
etiquette  of  society. 

Good  breeding  puts  the  nature  under  restraint : 
it  controls  the  temper,  and  tempers  the  speech. 
No  man,  who  is  well-bred,  will  swear  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies,  or  smoke,  without  their  permission, 
in  any  room  where  they  may  be.  Good  breeding 
is  the  guardian  angel  of  a  woman  ;  in  any  position 
in  which  she  may  find  herself,  it  makes  the  plain- 
est woman  attractive,  and  its  silent  but  continu- 
ous pressure  encircles  her  like  a  golden  or  silken 


■^ 


324  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

net,  and  prevents  a  thousand  escapades  into 
which  passion  or  feeling  might  hurry  her.  There 
are  very  few  thoroughly  well-bred  women  in  this 
world  who  go  astray. 

Breeding,  therefore,  may  be  defined  as  the 
apotheosis  of  self-restraint :  it  prevents  the  hun- 
gry boy  from  accepting  the  last  peach  at  dessert, 
it  tames  down  the  exuberant  spirits  of  girlhood, 
it  tells  the  ardent  horsewoman  not  to  jump  that 
last  fence,  it  modulates  the  laugh,  and  it  gives 
dignity  to  the  walk.  A  well-bred  person  is  not 
loud,  does  not  talk  slang,  nor  is  she  pronottcef 
in  anything.  A  well-bred  man  is  quiet  in  dress, 
respectful  to  everybody,  kind  to  the  weak,  helpful 
to  the  feeble.  He  may  not  be  an  especially 
generous  or  kind-hearted  man,  but  good  breeding 
tells  him  that  these  things  are  within  the  duties 
of  a  gentleman.  He  simulates  a  virtue  if  he  has 
it  not,  and  is  courteous  and  tender  to  the  old,  the 
feeble,  the  humble,  or  to  those  whom  society 
taboos.  ^'  Nobl^se  oblige  ^^  is  his  motto,  and  his 
practice  is  to  do  that  which  he  feels  he  owes  to 
himself 

A  well-bred  woman  may  take  a  large  liberty  to 
herself,  as  to  dress,  equipage  and  style,  but  she 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.     535 

will  never  outrage  convenances  (we  have  no  English 
word  to  express  the  delicate  shade  of  meaning 
which  this  French  word  so  aptly  defines).  She 
will  not  force  herself  in  where  she  is  not  wanted  ; 
she  will  not  push  herself  ;  she  will  delicately  refrain 
from  accepting  any  civilities  which  she  cannot 
return.  She  will  be  a  lady  through  all  the  trials 
of  poverty,  or  the  greater  trials  of  sudden  and 
unexpected  wealth.  She  will  do  her  part  in  the 
social  world  gently,  honorably,  and  well.  No 
lady  ever  talks  much  of  herself,  or  of  her  slights,  or 
of  her  Gompliments.  She  sinks  herself  in  others, 
tries  to  be  as  agreeable  as  she  can,  to  be  always 
polite,  to  allow  no  exhibitions  of  temper,  to  go 
helpfully  on  through  life,  to  refrain  from  patron- 
izing, to  negatively  observe  all  the  nuances  of 
good  manners,  to  retire  gracefully  if  her  seat  is 
wanted — to  be,  m  fact,  thoughtful  of  others.  This 
is  good  breeding,  and  the  perfection  of  it,  makes 
the  lady,  no  matter  where  she  is.  And  yet,  the 
reader  will  observe,  if  this  is  good  breeding, 
where  are  all  the  well-bred  people  ? 

The  truth  is,  nothing  is  so  rare  as  to  see  in 
these  degenerate  days,  truly  well-bred  young 
men.    The  sons  of  our  best  families  are  coarse, 


326  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

selfish  and  impolite,  as  a  rule.  They  have  not  the 
air  which  their  fathers  had.  They  do  not,  appar- 
ently, respect  women.  This  is  notoriously  true  of 
most  fashionable  young  men.  They  are  not 
prone  to  rise  and  give  their  seats  to  a  lady. 
They  are  not  too  particular  as  to  their  language. 
They  will  assume  a  severe  and  bored  expression 
when  a  lady  speaks  to  them.  They  are,  in  the 
vernacular  of  New  England,  hateful;  in  the 
language  of  England,  they  are  cubs.  In  fact,  the 
youthful  bear  would  seem  to  be  their  prototype, 
for  they  can  only  be  propitiated  with  sweets.  To 
see  such  a  young  man  at  the  Casino,  at  Newport, 
refrain  from  rising  to  give  his  chair  to  a  married 
lady — his  mother,  perhaps ;  to  see  him  in  the 
skating  rink,  oblivious  of  the  fact  that  a  lady  near 
him  needs  some  assistance  which  he  could  render ; 
to  see  the  brutal  manner  in  which  he  laughs  at 
some  unfortunate  accident,  and  to  notice  the 
thorough  selfishness  which  governs  his  conduct, 
is  to  finally  despair  of  the  world,  and  to  say : 
"These  young  men  have  been  brought  up  by 
Christian  fathers  and  refined  mothers,  they  have 
been  sent  to  dancing  school,  they  have  been 
educated  at  college — whence,  then,  this  dreadful 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     327 

disregard  of  decency  ?  Where  is  their  breeding, 
where  their  cultivation  and  where  their  man- 
ners?" 

The  answer  is,  they  have  710  cultivation,  and 
the  breeding  which  they  receive  at  home  is 
rubbed  out  by  the  selfishness  of  the  age.  The 
best  mothers,  in  a  worldly  sense,  are  thinking  far 
more  of  securing  a  rich  match  for  their  sons  than 
of  making  them  thorough  gentlemen.  These 
boys  hear  money,  money,  money,  talked  from 
morning  until  night.  What  girl  can  be  well- 
mannered  when  her  education  tends  to  the  neces- 
sity of  catching  a  rich  husband,  in  defiance  of 
modesty  or  of  morality  ?  The  worship  of  wealth 
in  America  is  injuring  manner. 

At  the  colleges,  the  old  fashion  of  study  is 
almost  wiped  out.  The  men  are  talking  of  row- 
ing, of  their  societies,  of  the  ball  match,  the  race- 
course and  the  opera  bouffe,  instead  of  discussing 
an  ode  of  Horace  or  an  essay  by  Macaulay.  To 
talk  of  literature  is  considered  affected,  and  the 
man  who  should  do  so  is  voted  a  muff.  They 
have  absolutely  a  term  full  of  reproach  for  a 
student ;  he  is  a  "  dig,"  and  no  young  member 
of  the  fashionable  club  wishes  to  be  a  "  dig." 


328  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

Thus  cultivation,  which  is  the  very  certain 
parent  of  good  breeding,  is  left  out  of  the  train- 
ing of  many  a  young  man.  If  a  man  is  a  scholar, 
a  thinker,  a  refined  and  cultivated  man,  breeding 
and  manners  will  come  to  him,  even  if,  like 
Burns,  he  has  started  from  the  plow^.  There  are 
no  books  of  etiquette  like  the  classics,  in  all  lan- 
guages. A  man  cannot  read  Latin  and  Greek 
and  remain  a  boor.  He  cannot  read  Shakespeare, 
Milton,  and  Racine,  and  Moliere.  and  be  a  vulgar 
upstart.  He  is,  if  a  thoroughly  cultivated  man, 
at  least  a  gentleman. 

But  the  age  being  a  revolutionary  one,  so  far 
as  etiquette  and  manners  are  concerned,  we  must 
look  for  good  breeding  to  a  class  which  has  not 
been  corrupted  by  fashion,  and  whose  wealth  is 
yet  to  be  gained.  We  shall  find  in  every  class  in 
college  some  natural-bom  gentleman.  He  has  a 
good  heart,  he  is  modest,  unselfish  and  noble : 
he  is  not  thinking  of  himself,  but  of  that  mother 
whom  he  hopes  to  support ;  he  is  working  for 
fame,  for  honor,  and  for  her.  In  the  banking 
house,  in  the  dry  goods  store,  in  the  railway 
oflfice,  in  the  struggling  ranks  of  the  professions, 
must  we  look  for  the  coming  gentleman— the  maij 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.     329 

who  is  not  thinking  of  himself,  but  who  is  work- 
ing for  some  one  else. 

In  the  ranks  of  society  we  also  still  find  some- 
times the  ideal  gentleman.  Society  has  not  pro- 
duced so  good  a  crop  of  young  men  as  it  should 
do  ;  yet  its  false  aims,  its  glittering  prizes,  have 
not  yet  dazzled  all  men  out  of  the  true  and  ideal 
breeding.  There  is  such  a  thing  as  an  "  admirable 
Crichton" — a  man  who  can  think,  read,  study, 
work,  and  be  fashionable.  He  can  go  through 
the  fierce  fires  of  social  competition  and  yet  not 
be  scorched.  All  men  are  not  ignoble,  nor  vulgar, 
nor  selfish,  if  the  majority  be.  But  it  is  not  to 
be  denied  that  the  breeding  of  the  young  men  of 
the  fashionable  world  is  not,  to-day,  the  breeding 
in  which  their  grandfathers  or  fathers  excelled. 

Let  us,  however,  mention  that  the  oflBcers  of 
the  army  and  navy  are  almost  always  well-bred 
men.  They  have  received  what  our  young  men 
all  need — a  repressive  training. 

The  young  and  fast  girl  of  the  period  is 
the  most  ill-bred  person  possible,  in  a  major- 
ity of  cases.  A  flirtatious  and  pleasure-loving 
mother  never  produces  a  well-bred  daughter.  In 
fact,  what   chance  has  a  daughter  of  such  a 


aaU  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

mother  of  any  goo  I  breeding  ?  She  must  fight 
for  herself  to  obtain  the  beaux,  her  rival  being 
her  mother  !  She  finds  that  if  she  is  loud,  eccen- 
tric and  bold,  she  attracts  attention.  To  elderly 
ladies  she  is  as  insolent  as  a  prize-fighter ;  indeed, 
the  carriage  of  these  half-boy  young  ladies  recalls 
the  attitude  of  a  prize-fighter,  often.  To  see 
them  receive  or  return  a  greeting,  is  to  see  the 
perfection  of  bad  breeding. 

A  gentleman,  who  had  the  thorough  good 
breeding  of  the  past,  received  a  weU-dowered 
and  beautiful  young  woman  into  his  family  as  a 
daughter-in-law.  He  was  pleased  with  the  con- 
nexion in  every  sense  but  one. 

"  She  has  no  manners,"  said  he,  after  a  month's 
acquaintance.  "  She  does  not  bow  to  me  on  the 
stairs,  or  accept  my  proffered  hand.  She  has  no 
breeding,  no  cultivation,  no  manners.  She  does 
not  treat  the  servants  well ;  she  is  insolent  to  my 
old  sister  ;  she  makes  no  effort  to  be  agreeable  to 
my  guests ;  and  yet,  I  think  she  is  kind-hearted 
enough,  and  means  to  do  right.  Do  you  know,  I 
think  she  does  not  know  how  to  be  polite.  She 
has  no  cultivation. " 

He  was  right.      His  daughter-in-law  knew  how 


I 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OP   MANNERS.  331 

to  ride  a  horse,  to  dance,  to  speak  French,  but 
how  to  be  a  lady  she  knew  not.  It  was  a  language 
she  had  not  learned.    /J'll^^  n^^ru^  U. 

Now,  it  is  easy  enough  to  learn  when  and  how 
to  leave  a  card,  how  to  behave  at  a  dinner,  how 
to  dress,  how  to  eat  with  one's  fork,  how  to 
sit  in  a  carriage,  how  to  bow  and  how  to  courtesy, 
how  to  receive  and  how  to  drop  an  acquaintance, 
but  what  a  varied  education  is  that  which  teaches 
us  to  be  well-bred  !  Can  we  acquire  it  late  in  life  ? 
Can  we  be  a  thoroughbred — all  by  ourselves  ? 

Yes,  by  purging  the  nature  of  undue  self- 
esteem,  arrogance,  selfishness  and  snobbery— &?/ 
making  the  heart  right.  To  be  fascinating  and  all- 
conquering  is  not  given  to  every  one  ;  indeed,  it 
is  the  privilege  of  the  very  few.  But  to  be 
polite  and  well-bred  is  possible.  Some  women 
have  but  to  smile  and  bow  to  conquer  the  world, 
others  must  study  long  and  patiently  to  achieve  a 
good  manner.  The  worst  manner  is  born  of  a 
coarse  indifference  and  a  self-sufficient  arro- 
gance ;  it  is  the  manner  which  the  nouveau  riche 
woman  assumes ;  it  is  the  perfection  of  igno- 
rance. She  announces  herself  a  vulgarian  by 
every  pompous  sneer. 


332  THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OP  MANNERS. 

Breeding,  cultivation  and  manners  come,  there- 
fore, from  the  heart  and  the  mind.  They  are  not 
outward  graces  to  be  learned  at  the  dancing- 
school.  They  must  be  fostered.  The  dancing- 
school  and  books  of  etiquette  are  valuable,  only  as 
the  grammar  of  the  language  we  are  learning ;  they 
may  assist  us,  but  we  must  furnish  the  material 
on  which  to  work.  The  old  adage,  that  it  takes 
three  generations  to  make  a  gentleman,  is  being 
contradicted  by  the  conduct  of  many  of  our 
young  men,  who  are  undoing  what  three  genera- 
tions have  made.  Of  course,  we  must  always 
see  that  race  is  a  predominant  thing.  Some 
families  are  always  surly,  others  are  polite. 
Judge  Story,  an  eminent  jurist,  was  the  soul  of 
sweetness.  His  politeness  was  most  enchanting 
and  proverbial.  His  gifted  son,  Mr.  Wm.  W. 
Story,  the  sculptor,  has  inherited  this  affable  and 
delightful  manner.  Other  distinguished  contem- 
poraries of  his  had  icy  and  forbidding  manners, 
and  the  frigidity  and  cubbiness  have  descended 
in  exact  ratio  of  excess,  as  the  talent  has  dimin- 
ished. To  have  nothing  left  of  a  great  ancestor 
but  his  bad  manners  is  a  poor  inheritance. 
But  the  American  should  have  the  best  man- 


THE   AMiERICAN  CODE  OP  MANNERS.  333 

ners  in  the  world,  for  he  has  nothing  to  crush 
him.  He  need  never  be  subservient,  he  can 
always  afford  to  be  polite.  No  man  here  knows 
a  master.  If  another  man  is  richer,  is  that  any 
reason  for  being  afraid  of  him  ?  Our  richest 
people,  the  Astors,  have  ever  been  distinguished 
for  kindly  and  excellent  manners,  generous  hearts 
and  a  perfect  breeding.  It  is  to  be  presumed 
that  they  do  not  admire  a  snob,  or  any  one  who 
grovels  ;  indeed,  no  one  loves  a  snob,  least  of  all 
the  man  whom  the  snob  cultivates. 

There  is  no  possible  return,  perhaps,  to  those 
courtly  bows  and  courtesies  of  the  past,  those  com- 
pliments and  those  stately  speeches  of  our  an- 
cestors. The  age  is  a  different  one,  and  yet,  as 
we  see  some  pretty  old  lady,  who  of  us  has  not 
envied  her  her  manners  ?  How  graceful  and 
picturesque  they  are  !  How  delicately  she  eats. 
What  neat  ways  she  has ;  what  pretty  compli- 
ments she  pays  ;  how  gently  and  gracefully  she 
moves  !  She  has  never  said  a  rude  thing  in  her 
life ;  her  lips  would  be  paralyzed  first.  Is  her 
granddaughter  half  as  agreeable,  with  her  loud 
voice,  her  stride,  her  defiant  air  ? 

No ;  a  thousand  times,  no. 


3:34     THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

And  this  bent  old  gentleman,  who  tries  to  tell 
us  a  good  story ;  to  remember  his  past  wit,  to 
help  a  lady  out  of  a  carriage  with  old-fashioned 
and  knightly  courtesy.  Is  he  less  attractive  than 
his  grandson,  who  does  not  know  one-third  as 
much,  but  who  assumes  to  know  a  great  deal 
more  than  his  grandpapa — indeed,  the  young 
cub  calls  the  old  gentleman  a  ''buffer."  Which 
is  the  man  of  breeding,  and  cultivation,  and 
manners  ? 

The  manners  of  the  past,  though  somewhat 
stiff  and  formal,  had  this  great  advantage  over 
the  manners  of  the  present :  they  were  founded 
on  respect  for  others. 

The  manners  of  the  present  are  the  outcropping 
of  a  selfish  indifference.  Until  that  feeling  is 
mended,  perhaps  the  manners  never  will  be. 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.  335 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 

THE   DUTIES   OF   AMERICANS   TO   SOCIETY. 

THE  duty  of  an  American  to  his  own  society 
is  somewhat  complicated.  He  has  a  very 
queer  problem  to  solve.  We  will  presume 
that  he  is  a  traveled  man,  learned  in  all  the 
foreign  etiquette,  able  to  hold  his  own  in  any 
capital  of  Europe,  and  desirous,  as  is  every  gen- 
tleman, to  appear  well  in  all — as  a  gentleman 
always  should.  He  does  not  wish  to  parade  his 
culture.  He  detests  a  fop,  as  he  detests  a  boor  ; 
they  are  the  two  disagreeable  extremes  which  he 
should  avoid. 

Yet  he  is,  if  he  goes  to  Washington,  as  a  Sena- 
tor or  a  Representative,  to  be  associated  with 
a  man  from  Yahoo  Territory,  who  is,  perhaps, 
his  political  superior,  and  who  will  be  his  social 
equal. 

This  man  eats  with  his  knife,  picks  his  teeth 
with  his  fork,  and  wears  a  red  necktie  to  an 
evening  party,  and  a  frock-coat  in  the  morning. 
He  uses  bad  grammar,  conscientiously,  because 


336  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

it  makes  him  popular  with  his  constituents,  but 
excellent  English  in  his  speeches.  He  has  that 
singular  fluency  which  makes  the  American  poli- 
tician the  wonder  and  the  miracle  of  the  age  ;  he 
has  a  natural  aptitude  for  statesmanship.  No 
one  can  accuse  Bardwell  Slote,  however,  of  any 
knowledge  of  etiquette,  yet  he,  possibly,  will  be 
nominated  as  Minister  to  France,  the  very  birth- 
place of  etiquette.  He  will  be  invited  to  dine 
with  the  King  of  Belgium,  one  of  the  most  ele- 
gant and  enhghtened  of  modern  potentates;  he 
will  go  in  a  costume  which  might  pa.ss  muster 
in  Yahoo,  but  which  causes  His  Majesty  of 
Belgium  to  cough  violently  behind  his  handker- 
chief. 

The  polished  American — from  Boston,  we  will 
say — is  annoyed  beyond  measure  if  he  is  con- 
founded with  the  Hon.  Bardwell  Slote.  He 
knows  that,  politically,  he  is  his  inferior.  He 
cannot  tell  His  Majesty,  however,  that  a  knowl- 
edge of  knives  and  forks  and  finger  bowls  is  as 
common  to  one-half  of  our  country  people  as  it 
is  a  mystery  to  the  other  half.  He  must  bear  in 
silence  all  the  sneers  and  the  insulting  criticisms 
upon   Bardwell,   knowing  that  this  particularly 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  337 

awkward  position  is  now  indirectly  due  to  the 
Declaration  of  Independence. 

We  have  had  ladies  in  the  White  House  who 
have  insulted  the  people's  English,  and  who  have 
ignored  Lindley  Murray ;  we  have  had  foreign 
Ministers  who  got  drunk  in  the  streets,  and 
others  who  raised  their  voices  and  who  crowed  in 
their  court-yards  like  a  cock. 

It  did  not  appease  the  polished  gentleman 
from  Boston  to  hear  the  natives  say  :  "Oh!  les 
AmericainsP^  with  a  shrug. 

If,  by  any  chance,  a  cultivated  American  tinds 
himself  at  a  foreign  court  as  a  Minister,  he  is 
obliged  to  use  all  his  diplomacy  to  know  how  to 
keep  his  country-people  in  bounds  in  the  eti- 
quette of  a  strict  court.  The  Hon.  Bardwell 
Slote  wishes  to  pick  his  teeth,  in  the  presence  of 
Queen  Victoria,  with  his  jack-knife.  His  inde- 
pendence is  bumptious  ;  he  does  not  intend  to 
improve  the  etiquette  of  Yahoo. 

No  one  in  the  world  is  more  thoroughly  a  slave 
than  is  such  a  man,  who  thinks  himself  indepen- 
dent. He  is  the  slave  of  early  bad  habits,  of  a 
defective  education.  Should  he  for  one  moment 
thiuk  of  the  difference  between  himself  and  the 


338  THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

cultivated  man,  he  would  see  that  the  latter 
enjoyed  far  more  freedom  than  himself,  and  a 
thousand  privileges  from  which  he  is  debarred. 
He  will  see  that  manners  are  the  ''  open  sesame  " 
to  good  society  all  over  the  world.  He  will  find 
that  Bardwell  Slote,  with  all  his  original  clever- 
ness (that  enormous  cleverness,  which  has  raised 
him  from  a  boat  hand  on  a  Western  river  to  the 
proud  position  of  a  Senator  or  a  foreign  Minis- 
ter), will  not  stand  him  in  stead  in  the  require- 
ments of  his  new  position. 

He  must  learn  how  to  dress  himself  properly, 
how  to  behave  at  a  dinner  table,  how  to  speak 
elegantly  to  ladies— he  must,  in  short,  learn 
etiquette. 

Now,  the  duty  of  an  educated  and  traveled 
American  is,  to  try  to  disseminate  this  knowl- 
edge, and  the  duty  of  an  uneducated  American 
is,  to  condescend  to  learn  it. 

The  etiquette  of  a  court  may  be  fugitive  and 
vague.  We  have  none  of  those  tiresome  cere- 
monials of  which  we  read  in  the  autobiography 
of  Madame  d'Arblay  or  of  Cornelia  Knight. 
But  the  etiquette  of  good  society  is  universal,  and 
founded  on  sound  principles.    It  can  be  learned 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANSTERS.  33Q 

by  a  little  study,  and  it  is  always  useful,  although 
it  is  a  shifting  and  changeful  thing.  The  duty  of 
an  American  to  society  is  to  raise  its  tone.  He 
should,  far  from  allowing  his  family  to  sink  into 
carelessness  of  forms  and  of  ceremonies,  try  to 
keep  them  up  to  the  standard  of  the  highest  ele- 
gance. If  his  means  are  small,  still  let  his  table- 
cloth be  clean,  and  his  service  as  neat  as  his  purse 
can  buy.  Let  there  be  finger-bowls,  for  they  are 
cleanly ;  let  every  child  be  taught  to  eat  with  his 
fork,  and  let  every  one  agree  that  at  table  each 
one  shall  be  neat,  orderly,  agreeable  and  patient. 

A  dinner  of  herbs,  with  such  manners,  such 
attention  to  the  realities  of  etiquette,  will  fit  a  boy 
or  girl  to  afterward  play  his  or  her  part  well  in 
any  society. 

To  "eat  an  egg  out  of  the  shell "  was  once  a 
fop's  definition  of  good  breeding  ;  to  break  it 
into  a  cup  was  his  definition  of  vulgarity.  Our 
ancestors  were  very  particular  about  these  bits 
of  table  manners.  Now  they  are  of  no  conse- 
quence, so  that  a  person  with  easy  address 
handles  his  egg  as  if  he  knew  what  to  do  with 
it,  and  were  not  afraid  of  it. 

But  it  is  not  many  years   since   a   prominent 


340  THE   AJVIERICAK  CODE   OF  MilNNERS. 

American  drank  the  water  out  of  his  finger-bowl 
at  an  English  dinner  and  called  it  "rather  weak 
lemonade,"  It  is  not  long  since  a  gentleman  de- 
clared in  England  "that  he  never  got  on  his 
white  cravat  at  the  right  time."  These  are 
solecisms  which  could  be  mended. 

Women  are  gifted  with  so  much  tact  and  so 
imitative  a  faculty  that  they  need  fewer  hints 
than  men.  Yet  they  must  learn  when  to  wear 
their  diamonds  and  when  to  leave  them  at  home  ; 
when  to  wear  their  finery  and  when  to  be  plainly 
dressed. 

On  the  steamboat,  on  the  car,  on  the  stage- 
coach, surely  camel's-hair  and  diamonds  are  out 
of  place ;  yet  one  very  representative  political 
lady  defended  her  fine  clothes  by  saying  she 
"  always  wore  them  traveling,  to  show  them." 

That  is,  perhaps,  one  of  our  national  sins — a 
love  of  show :  a  disdain  of  privacy,  a  very 
great  ignoring  of  the  proprieties  of  time  and 
place. 

In  the  leaving  of  cards,  the  first  visit,  the  invi- 
tation to  dinner,  the  return  of  civilities,  there 
should  be  these  general  rules  laid  down :  First, 
ask   what  is  due  to  others ;   then,  what  is  due 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.    341 

to  oneself.  There  is  always  a  social  conscience 
somewhere  in  one's  organization  which  will 
point  aright. 

We  have  endeavored  in  these  papers  to  lay 
down  certain  rules  ;  we  have  tried  to  teach  the 
neophyte  some  things  which  he  may  not  have 
known  before,  about  the  duty  which  every  Amer- 
ican owes  to  society. 

But  the  outward  performance  of  these  conven- 
tional rules  can  never  be  thoroughly  learned,  un- 
less the  heart  be  well-bred.  A  man  must  love  his 
neighbor,  he  must  refine  himself,  he  must  be 
gentle,  and  honest,  and  fair,  before  he  can  be- 
come a  gentleman. 

And  as  for  that  fine  old  word,  lady  ;  is  a  woman 
worthy  to  bear  it,  however  elegant  and  fashion- 
able she  may  be,  if  beneath  her  well-defined 
bodice  there  beats  the  heart  of  a  foolish  and 
vicious  coquette  ? 

Are  those  women  ladies,  who  have  disgraced  the 
American  name  in  Paris  by  their  pursuit  of  a 
coronet,  no  matter  at  what  price  ? 

Are  those  young  wives  who  go  to  Europe,  for- 
getting^every  possible  duty  to  their  husbands  and 
their  homes,  and  who  become  the  laughing  stock 


342  THE   AMERICAK   CODE   OF  MANNERS. 

of  Europe  for  vanity  and  extravagance— are  they 
doing  their  duty  to  society  ? 

A  quaint,  old-fashioned  and  somewhat  stilted 
politeness  may  be  laughable  now,  and  recall  the 
days  of  Old  Grimes,  who  is  dead,  but  it  is  very 
pretty,  and  sometimes  it  appears  in  the  person  of 
a  "  girl  of  the  peiiod,"  who  has  learned  it  from  a 
graceful  grandmother.  It  is  attractive  in  a  young 
man,  and  sometimes,  though  rarely,  crops  out  in 
the  manner  of  a  young  English  nobleman.  The 
young  Italian  nobility  have  it  to  perfection  ;  so 
have  the  Austrians,  who  are  the  best-bred  people 
in  all  Europe. 

If  our  young  Americans  could  find  the  juste 
milieu  !    And  why  can  they  not  ? 

Americans  can  do  everything — why  not  this  v 
Why  should  we  not  have  a  Code  of  Manners  equal 
to  those  of  the  best  days— let  us  say,  of  the  court 
of  Marie  de  Medicis  ?  To  have  the  "  manners  but 
not  the  morals  of  Chesterfield"  was  the  old  fash- 
ioned definition  of  a  gentleman. 

Why  should  not  an  American  gentleman,  while 
carefully  learning  the  code  of  every  European 
court,  infuse  into  his  corri^ctness  a  certain  fresh 
originality,   a  vivacity  and   wit   which   the   old 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS.  343 

civilizations  have  lost,  and  with  it  the  original 
flavor  of  a  native-born  aristocracy  ?  And  why 
should  not  an  American  woman  he  low-voiced, 
thoroughbred,  quiet,  polite,  and  well-dressed, 
in  addition  to  being  very  original  and  very 
beautiful  ? 

Why  should  she  ever  degenerate  into  fastness, 
vulgarity,  slang  and  mannish  manners  ? 

Does  she  not  feel  that  she  owes  a  great  duty  to 
her  native  land  ?  It  has  made  her  the  most 
fortunate,  independent  creature  in  the  world. 
She  is  not  like  the  sister  of  a  duke,  obliged  to 
give  up  the  man  of  her  choice,  because  he  is  not 
well-born  enough,  and  to  linger  out  her  life  a 
forlorn  dependent  upon  the  grudging  charity  of 
an  elder  brother.  She  is  not  obliged  to  go  into  a 
convent,  if  she  fails  to  marry,  as  is  a  poor  French 
girl  but  too  often. 

No ;  an  American  girl  can  do  very  much  as  she 
pleases.  She  can  become  the  most  pampered  of 
wives,  or  the  most  independent  of  spinsters. 
She  can  be  author,  artist,  teacher,  doctor  or 
lawyer,  if  she  think  fit ;  she  is  respected  and 
received  into  the  best  society. 

Indeed,  American  society  is  very  toler  -nt  of 


344  THE  AMERICAN   CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

eccentricity  in  women,  and  rather  likes  an  original 
departure  from  the  heaten  track. 

But  it  makes  a  great  mistake  when  it  forgives 
horsey  girls,  and  women  who  dress  like  men,  or 
who  at  the  sea-side  go  in  bathing  in  indecent 
garb,  or  who  come  out  to  sit  in  the  sand  with  a 
dozen  men  about,  to  secretly  condemn  them, 
while  they  pretend  to  admire. 

Foreigners  say  that  modesty  is  not  a  peculiarity 
of  American  women.  While  they  can  say  that, 
there  is  some  fearful  lack  in  the  American  Code 
of  Manners. 

It  is  always  noticed  that  the  belle  of  the  sea- 
side, although  she  enjoys  the  gratification  of  her 
vanity,  is  not  certain  of  respect,  or  so  sought  in 
marriage  as  the  quiet  and  retiring  girl,  who  does 
not  "  suffer  herself  to  be  admired  "  in  public. 

The  American  owes  this  duty  to  society :  that 
he  should  aim  at  correcting  all  public  exhibitions 
of  bad  manners,  such  as  these  to  which  we  have 
referred  ;  for,  although  they  may  be  the  outcrop- 
ping of  ignorance  and  of  innocence,  they  do 
cause  our  national  name  to  suffer.  The  mere 
appearances  of  evil  should  be  avoided. 

To  those  who  would  say,  that  we  are  a  great 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  345 

continent  by  ourselves,  and  that  we  should  study 
to  be  always  original,  rather  than  to  sometimes 
copy,  we  can  only  say  that,  while  we  derive  our 
Shakespeare,  our  Milton,  andourF^n^lon,  Moli^re, 
Racine  and  Goethe  from  the  Old  World,  we  need 
not  be  ashamed  to  study  those  manners  which 
were  the  growth  of  thousands  of  years  of  civili- 
zation and  of  culture.  We  can  cull  the  best  from 
all. 

The  New  World  is  the  offshoot  of  the  Old 
World.  It  has  every  chance  to  become  a  perfect 
tree.  But  no  tree  ever  grew  to  perfection  in  the 
park,  without  some  training.  If  we  like  the  wild 
luxuriance  of  the  forest,  still,  when  we  bring  the 
elm  to  our  plantations,  we  must  prune  its  luxm'i- 
ance. 

In  society,  in  the  crowd,  we  need  les  con- 
venances. They  help  us  to  keep  our  natures  in 
check  ;  they  make  the  world  a  fit  place  to  live  in. 
When  we  are  exposed  to  the  brutality  of  ill- 
mannered  people,  we  learn  how  dangerous  a  place 
would  the  world  be  if  there  were  no  etiquette. 

The  best  book  upon  etiquette  is  that  book  which 
says,  ''  Do  unto  others  as  you  would  that  others 
should  do  unto  you." 


346  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MANNERS. 

Could  we  always  stop  to  consider  this  question, 
we  should  need  no  higher  guide  ;  but,  as  a  second 
and  lesser  manual  of  good  breeding,  we  must  sub- 
stitute the  manners  of  polite  society,  which, 
with  their  restraining  influence,  give  us  time  to 
think. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  347 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

THE   USE   OF   CERTAIN    WORDS. 

rT  would  seem  at  first  as  if  all  good  words  in 
our  old  English  speech,  if  well  chosen,  ought 
to  be  fashionable.  But  such  is  not  the  case. 
Genteel,  for  instance,  although  coming  from 
the  beautiful  word,  gentle,  is  a  tabooed  word. 
''A  genteel  thing, ^'  is  a  feeble  and  almost  vulgar 
expression,  nowadays.  We  no  longer  use  the 
old-fashioned  combination,  "  beautiful  lady," 
"  Mr.  Brown  and  his  lady,"  "  she  is  a  handsome 
lady,"  etc. 

There  can  be  no  reason  why  "lady"  is  not  a 
good  word.  ''Lady-like"  is  a  very  appropriate 
combination.  But  the  use  of  the  combination 
mentioned  above  is  almost  obsolete.  We  are 
fond  of  the  Saxon  word  "  woman,"  now,  and  it 
has  almost  put  the  word  "lady"  out  of  the 
market. 

"  She  is  a  perfect  lady,"  however,  is  allow- 
able. No  one  objects  to  so  delicate  a  compli- 
ment as  that. 


.-548    THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

Use,  however,  the  word  woman  wherever  you 

can.      "She  is  a  fine  woman,'"   or  a  beautiful 

woman,  or  a  good  woman,  or  a  clever  woman, 

but  do  not  say,  she  is  a   "sweet  lady,"  or  a 

'  clever  lady,"  if  you  can  help  it. 

Do  not  use  the  word  "  talented."  The  purists 
say  there  is  no  such  word.  Use  rather  the  word 
clever.  It  expresses  all  that  "talented"  use  to 
mean  to  us,  and  is  more  elegant  and  more  edu- 
cated. 

Do  not  be  profuse  in  epithets  of  an  ill-judged 
approbation.  Do  not  say  "  that  is  a  sweet  thing." 
Sweet  is  a  phra.se  meant  to  express  an  emotion 
of  the  tongue  and  palate. 

Still  less  say  of  an>i;hing  which  you  enjoy  at 
table,  "I  love  it."  "I  love  melons,"  "I  love 
peaches,"  "I  adore  grapes"— these  are  school- 
girl utterances.  We  love  our  friends.  Love 
is  an  emotion  of  the  heart,  but  not  one  of  the 
palate. 

We  like,  we  appreciate  grapes,  but  we  do  not 
love  them. 

All  the  senses  have  their  appropriate  language. 
None  of  them  can  be  equally  expressed  by  the 
same  words.    We  must  seek  propriety  of  epithet 


THE  AMBBICAK   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  349 

as  much  in  describing  these  emotions  as  in  ad- 
dressing our  friends. 

There  are  minor  elegancies,  too,  to  be  observed 
in  the  words  "  take  "  and  "  eat."  We  do  not  say 
now,  "  I  take  tea  with  Mrs.  Smith  to-night,"  but 
*'I  drink  tea."  We  do  not  say,  "I  eat  supper 
with  Mrs.  Campbell  this  evening,"  but  "I  take 
supper." 

Beau  Brummel  rebuked  a  lady  for  saying  "  take 
tea,"  by  saying,  "Madame,  a  vulgar  man  can 
take  liberties,  but  one  drinks  tea." 

The  English,  who  are  very  particular  about 
these  minor  rules,  are  very  coarse  in  some  of 
their  fashions.  An  American  girl,  who  was  visit- 
ing in  England,  declared  that  English  matrons 
and  maidens  speak  of  men,  playfully,  as  "  horrid, 
nasty,  greedy  things,"  and  that  people  address 
each  other  as  "you  stupid  old  darling,"  and 
girl  friends  call  each  other  "you  nasty  little 
pet." 

This  use  of  the  word  "  nasty,"  as  expressing 
Mendly  ideas,  is  a  new  one,  and  cannot  be  suffi- 
ciently reprobated.  When  our  English  friends 
■speak  of  a  "nasty  day,"  they  quite  describe  a 
muddy  and  rainy  one  ;  but  when  they  pervert  the 


350  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

disagreeable  word  to  a  meaning  which  it  cannot 
have,  they  outrage  decency. 

An  English  gentleman  overheard  an  American 
mamma  ask  her  little  daughter  this  question  : 
'^  Do  you  feel  like  a  beefsteak  ?" 

He  thought  it  a  great  blunder.  He  said  "  You 
could  feel  miserably  ;  you  could  feel  like  a  fool  I 
but  you  could  not  feel  like  a  beefsteak." 

The  mamma  was  only  questioning  the  child's 
dehcate  appetite.  She  might  have  said,  "Could 
you  eat  a  beefsteak?"  which  would  have  been 
much  more  proper. 

We  Americans  are  careless  as  to  language. 
We  do  not  study  our  phrases  as  we  ought.  These 
common  friends  of  ours,  "that"  and  "which," 
get  misplaced.  We  are  not  sufficiently  acquainted 
with  our  pronouns. 

To  say  "you  was  there  "  was  once  proper— we 
find  it  in  the  old  writers ;  now  it  betokens  an 
excess  of  ignorance,  "  you  were  there  "  being  the 
recognized  form.  But  some  persons  ignorantly 
:<a.Y,  "  I  were  there,"  which  is  ten  times  worse,  as 
"  you,"  being  a  plural  pronoun,  excuses  the  gram- 
matical irregularity. 

"I  would  have  went"  is  another  occasional 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE   OF  MANNERS.  351 

mistake  of  people  who  have  not  learned  their 
verbs,  instead  of  "  I  would  have  gone." 

These  mistakes  can  only  be  corrected  by  study 
and  reading.  They  are  not  half  so  bad  as  those 
adoptions  of  slang  which  the  educated  make  ad- 
\isedly,  soberly,  ai^.l  in  no  fear  of  Lindley  Mur- 
ray. Writers  are  always  at  work  at  the  English 
language,  and  many  say  that  it  is  at  present  the 
most  irregular  and  least  understood  of  all  lan- 
guages. But,  by  a  constant  study  of  good  models, 
and  with  good  taste,  any  one  may  learn  it.  Do  not 
speak  slovenly  English.  Clear  up  your  sentences. 
Do  not  drop  the  "g"  at  the  ends  of  words  like 
"  sitting,  lying,  talking  and  moving."  That  is  a 
very  common  fault  in  New  England.  Rather 
teach  yourself  to  speak  your  words  "trippingly 
on  the  tongue." 

It  is  an  outlook  in  the  right  direction,  that  now 
youngladies  are  taught  declamation  in  Paris  and 
at  our  best  schools.  It  v/ill  correct  our  incorrigible 
national  fault  of  drawling.  For  some  reason,  the 
American  diaphragm  is  not  so  strong  as  the  Eng- 
lish one,  and  we  need  to  cultivate  our  enunciation. 
They  have  to  speak  clear  and  loud  to  be  heard 
through  their  own  fogs.     We  trust  too  much  to 


352  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MAJvNERS. 

our  pellucid  air  to  carry  along  our  fatigued,  nasal, 
drawling  and  careless  talk. 

Mr.  R.  G.  White  says  that  you  should  say, 
"she  looks  beautiful,"  instead  of  "she  looks 
beautifully."  He  is  a  great  authority,  but  some 
differ  from  him  and  say,  "  she  looks  beautifully." 
The  last  has  the  sanction  of  custom. 

Do  not  be  profuse  of  epithets  in  making  an 
apology.  A  few  simple  words,  such  as  "I  am 
very  sorry,"  or  "  I  regret  exceedingly  to  have  in- 
truded upon  you,"  are  far  more  appropriate  than 
the  "  Oh  !  dear,  I  am  awfully  sorry,"  or  any  other 
excessive  and  overloaded  phrases.  "  Oh  !  have  I 
trodden  on  your  little  dog's  foot  ?  Well,  then,  I 
am  just  ready  to  die.  I  am  so  horribly  grieved," 
said  one  young  lady  to  another. 

What  could  she  have  said  more,  if  she  had 
killed  her  sister  V 

Always  understate  rather  than  overstate  your 
emotions.  The  profoundest  contempt  can  be  con- 
veyed by  a  negative,  as  the  man  who  says  of  a 
plain  woman,  "I  have  seen  prettier  women," 
conveys  more  meaning  than  he  who  says,  "She 
is  a  horrid,  homely,  hateful  thing  !"  He  who 
.^ays,  "That  young  woman  is  not  too  refined," 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE   O:    MAJN>rERS.  358 

paints  her  vulgarity  upon  our  retina  as  she  lives. 
A  woman  who  says  of  a  man,  "  He  is  not  over- 
burdened with  politeness,"  gives  him  a  bad 
character  with  each  well-chosen  word,  and  yet 
she  has  not  sullied  her  lips  with  a  single  abusive 
epithet.  "  I  would  rather  not  meet  him  after 
dinner"  is  quite  enough  to  indicate  that  a 
gentleman  is  not  always  prudent  with  his 
wine. 

And  the  word  -'gentleman,"  although  one  of 
the  best  in  the  language,  should  not  be  used  too 
much.  Do  not  say,  he  is  a  '•  very  fine  gentle- 
man," or,  he  is  a  "handsome  gentleman." 
Sometimes  one  can  say,  "  he  is  a  charming  gentle- 
man," of  some  very  markedly  agreeable  and 
cultivated  person.  But  say,  '*  he  is  a  good-look- 
ing man,"  "an  honest  man,"  "a  strongman," 
"  a  graceful  man,"  "  an  agreeable  man,"  if  you 
happen  to  find  such  a  one.  We  no  longer  say, 
•' Honored  Sir,"  or  "  Respected  Madam,"  as  we 
begin  a  letter.  Perhaps  it  would  be  better  if  we 
did.  We  say  simply,  "  My  Dear  Sir,"  or,  "  My 
Dear  Mrs.  Brown,"  or,  to  a  person  in  some 
humble  capacity,  as  a  nurse  or  servant,  "  Mrs. 
Brown."    Be  careful  not  to  mix  the  first  person 


354  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

with  the  third  in  addressing  a  note.  Begin  it  as 
you  intend  to  finish  it. 

The  word  "vulgar"  was  formerly  thought  to 
mean  indecent,  now  it  simply  means  bad  manners. 
To  be  vulgar  is  to  be  inadmissible  to  society. 
Vulgar  people  are  low,  mean,  coarse,  plebeian,  no 
matter  where  the  ever-turning  wheel  of  fortune  has 
placed  them,  A  vulgar  man  may  sit  on  a  throne  :  a 
vulgar  woman  may,  by  mistake,  find  herself  in 
the  most  fashionable  salon.  Use  the  word  "  vul- 
var" freely,  to  express  your  contempt  of  rudeness, 
of  coarseness,  of  the  loud,  the  pretentious  and 
the  intrusive.  It  is  a  good  word,  and  means  a 
great  deal.  As  a  synonym  for  all  that  is  to  be 
avoided,  it  is  a  very  comprehensive  word. 

And,  as  good  manners  should  not  be  put  on  for 
state  occasions,  but  should  be  the  natural  gar- 
ment of  every  day,  so  should  easy  and  elegant 
and  cultivated  language  drop  from  the  lir>s,  in- 
stinctively. Of  course,  all  people  are  not  equally 
gifted  in  this  respect.  One  child  speaks  cor- 
rectly at  two  years  old :  another  will  not  speak 
well  until  he  is  five,  and,  perhaps,  will  never  be 
fluent ;  but  each  can  avoid  impropriety  and 
coarseness,    and    can    avoid,   in    his    con  versa- 


THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANKERS.     355 

tion,  words  which  have  lost  their  place  in 
society. 

A  fashion  has  come  in  in  regard  to  the  good 
old  phrase,  "  Thank  you,"  which  is  now  abbre- 
viated to  "Thanks."  This  is  fashionable  just 
now,  but  it  cannot  be  called  cordial  or  gram- 
matical. It  is  as  if  you  did  your  politeness  up  in 
a  ball  and  threw  it  at  the  head  of  your  friend. 
No  one  is  hurt  by  a  cordial  "  Thank  you." 

The  word  "  Good-by"  is  the  best  abbreviation 
in  our  language,  nor  can  it  be  replaced  by  any 
other.  We  say  "Farewell,"  "Adieu,"  "Au 
revoir,"  not  often.  All  have  a  stilted  sound  ex- 
cept the  last.  Never  say  "Good  afternoon." 
Say  "Good  evening"  or  "Good  morning,"  if 
you  choose,  but,  still  better,  say  "Good-by." 

Old  and  middle-aged  people  say  that  there  is 
now  a  decay  in  the  art  of  conversation — that  to 
talk  well  is  one  of  the  lost  arts.  No  doubt  this  is, 
in  a  measm*e,  true  all  over  the  world.  It  is  no 
longer  the  fashion  to  tell  anecdotes  to  be  amus- 
ing;  a  person  is  considered  a  prig  who  "  sets  up  " 
to  amuse  the  company.  All  this  is  very  bad,  but 
it  cannot  be  helped.  It  is  a  part  of  the  transition 
of    our  society   from  the  Revolutionary  petiod 


356  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

when  intellect  and  culture  ruled,  to  the  present, 
when  money  and  material  prosperity  are  our 
gods. 

But  while  puns  should  be  avoided,  and  long 
arguments  should  be  avoided,  and  the  delicatf 
subjects  of  religion  and  politics  should  be  avoided 
in  mixed  society,  people  still  must  talk.  To  chat 
agreeably  of  the  current  events,  to  describe  a 
novel  or  a  play,  to  tell  a  short  story  of  some 
recent  experience  at  a  watering-place,  or  to  talk, 
if  one  pleases,  of  poetry,  of  love,  or  friendship,  or 
music.  This  is  all  an  everyday  matter,  within 
the  comprehension  of  every  one,  and,  with  a  little 
reading  and  good  taste,  possible  to  all. 


*HS  AMERICAN  CODJt  OF  MANNlBRtt.         '^Bt 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

DINNEKS     AND      HREAKFASTS      ONCE      MORE      CON- 
SIDERED. 

DINNER  invitations  should  only  be  accepted 
from  those  whose  acquaintance  you  wish 
to  cultivate  and  keep.  Some  vulgar  and  ill- 
bred  people  have  been  known  to  accept  a  din- 
ner invitation,  and  to.  cut  or  ignore  the  kind 
entertainers  afterward.  It  is  the  height  of  mean- 
ness, the  height  of  vulgarity,  so  to  do.  Be 
careful  to  be  punctual  at  the  dinner  hour,  to  enter 
quietly,  without  formality ;  and,  if  your  hostess 
does  not  introduce,  enter  into  conversation  with 
the  person  next  to  you.  In  England  no  one  is 
introduced,  but  everybody  talks  to  his  neighbor. 

Fifteen  minutes  f.-;  the  time  allowed  to  wait  for 
a  tardy  guest.  More  than  that  should  not  be 
given  to  the  most  distinguished  person. 

The  host  can  give  his  right  or  his  left  arm,  as 
he  pleases,  to  the  lady  whom  he  escorts,  but  the 
other  guests  should  notice  which  arm  he  offers, 
and  follow  his  example. 


358  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

The  host  and  hostess  can  sit  at  either  end  of 
their  table,  or  in  the  middle,  or  mix  themselves  up 
with  their  guest«,  as  they  please.  A  round  table, 
now  so  much  the  fashion,  obliterates  any  neces- 
sity for  a  "head  and  foot;"  but  the  principal 
guest  must  sit  at  the  lady's  right  hand,  and  the 
principal  lady  guest  at  the  gentleman's  right 
hand,  always. 

If  introditcing  is  the  custom  of  the  house, 
it  is  polite  to  request  your  hostess  to  intro 
duce  you  to  the  person  to  whom  the  dinner  is 
given. 

As  soon  as  seated,  place  your  napkin  across 
your  lap,  and  remove  your  gloves.  Men  do  not 
weap  gloves  now,  so  that  they  have  not  the 
trouble.  Lay  your  roll  at  your  right  hand,  and,  if 
oysters  or  clams  are  before  you,  proceed  to  eat 
them  at  once. 

Now,  it  seems  unnecessary  to  remind  one  that 
a  gentleman  does  not  crumble  his  bread  about, 
or  roll  it  into  pills ;  that  he  does  not  take  his 
soup  with  a  hissing  sound  ;  that  he  does  not  tip 
his  plate,  to  get  the  last  drop  of  soup  ;  and  yet  we 
see  these  defects  in  table  manners,  often.  Vege- 
tables are  to  be  eaten  with  a  fork.     Nothing  is  so 


THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF  MANNERS.  359 

vulgar  as  to  see  peas  served  in  a  saucer  and 
eaten  with  a  spoon. 

Asparagus,  on  the  contrary,  can  be  eaten  with 
your  fingers.  The  stalk  is  clean,  and  to  take  it 
in  the  fingers,  and  to  dip  the  end  in  the  melted 
butter  or  sauce  which  accompanies  the  vege- 
table, and  which  should  be  placed  on  one  side  of 
the  plate,  is  entirely  proper. 

Olives  and  artichokes  are  eaten  with  the 
fingers ;  so  are  radishes  and  green  corn.  It  is 
an  American  fashion,  and  a  perfectly  proper  one, 
to  eat  corn  from  the  ear  at  the  dinner  table. 

The  reason  for  this  is  clear.  It  is  the  only  way 
in  which  the  incomparable  fiavor  of  the  corn  can 
be  obtained. 

Fish  is  eaten  with  a  silver  fork  and  a  bit  of 
bread.  Fruit  is  cut  with  a  silver  knife,  but  eaten 
with  the  fingers. 

While  anything  like  haste  in  eating  is  to  be 
deprecated,  still  it  is  no  longer  the  fashion  to  wait 
for  others,  as  in  the  olden  time.  Everybody  eats 
his  dinner  as  it  is  set  before  him.  It  is,  however, 
the  height  of  good-breeding  for  the  hostess  to 
seem  to  be  eating  so  long  as  one  guest  is  still  on- 
cupied  with  his  plate. 


360  THE   A>rERICA>'   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Cheese  is  to  be  eaten  with  fork  or  fingers,  as  the 
person  chooses.  Ladies  in  America  have  a  strong 
objection  to  cheese,  as  a  general  thing,  and  refuse 
it.  But  in  England  a  lady  often  takes  a  large 
piece,  and  eats  it  clear.  There  is  no  reason  why 
a  lady  should  not  eat  cheese  if  she  likes  it. 

Do  not  allow  the  servant  to  pour  wine  for  you, 
if  you  do  not  intend  to  drink  it.  It  is  a  fertile 
source  of  drunkenness  among  servants,  who  al- 
ways empty  the  glasses  after  dinner. 

Toasts  and  the  drinking  of  healths  are  now, 
luckily,  out  of  date.  Still,  if  an  old-fashioned 
gentleman  wishes  to  drink  your  health,  do  not 
refuse ;  bow  slightly  and  smile,  and  raise  the  glass 
to  your  lips. 

Finger-glasses,  with  a  bit  of  orange  leaf  or 
lemon  peel,  or  peppermint  water  dashed  through, 
are  now  almost  universal,  and  very  great  luxuries. 
After  using  one,  wipe  your  fingers  on  your  dinner 
napkin,  not  on  your  doyley,  which  is  meant  for 
the  fruit.  Some  very  luxurious  persons  pass  a 
gold  dish,  with  rose-water  in  it,  after  dinner. 
T^is  should  be  used  by  dipping  the  end  of  the 
napkin  in  it.  It  is  a  refreshing  bath  for  the  lips, 
and  removes  the  greasy  smell  or  taste  of  food. 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  361 

The  mouth  should  always  be  wiped  with  a  wet 
forefinger  or  napkin  after  eating. 

Now,  we  Americans  are  accused  of  using  ice 
too  much,  although  our  climate  demands  it. 
Everywhere,  however,  sherry  is  admitted  to  be 
better,  if  cooled  in  an  ice-cooler.  Sherry  is  served 
with  soup,  and  sauterne  or  hock  with  fish. 
Americans  generally  prefer  champagne  served 
after  fish,  with  all  the  courses ;  but  red  wine 
should  be  provided  for  those  who  like  it.  Red 
wine  should  never  be  iced.  Burgundy  and  claret 
should  be  of  the  temperature  of  the  room. 
Champagne  should  be  frozen  or  "  frappe  "  from 
the  outside  before  dinner,  as  putting  lumps  of  ice 
in  the  glass  ruins  it  for  the  gourmet.  It  destroys 
the  flavor  of  good  wine  to  put  in  lumps  of  ice. 

The  glasses  are  removed  by  the  waiter,  when 
the  crumb-scraper  goes  round,  and  madeira  and 
sherry  glasses  set  for  the  dessert. 

Port,  when  passed  with  the  cheese,  is  left  on 
the  table  with  the  sherry  and  madeira,  and 
each  guest  helps  himself  after  the  servants  have 
helped  once  all  round.  This  is  the  moment  for 
story-telling,  for  the  best  talk,  for  the  "  give  anfi 
take  "  of  conversation. 


362    THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

Remember  always,  in  giving  a  dinner,  that 
some  of  the  most  agreeable  are  those  which  are 
the  least  expensive. 

It  is  quite  indispensable  that  a  gentleman 
should  always  be  in  a  dress  coat  and  white 
cravat,  black  suit  throughout,  for  a  seven  o'clock 
dinner. 

After  dinner  it  is  now  the  custom  to  serve 
coffee  and  tea  in  the  drawing-room,  as  long 
sitting  at  table  fatigues  everybody. 

If  you  commit  any  errors  at  the  dinner  table, 
such  as  tipping  over  a  glass  of  red  wine,  breaking 
a  dish,  dropping  a  knife  or  a  fork,  or,  worse  still, 
upsetting  a  dish  into  your  lap,  try  to  be  com- 
posed. Motion  to  a  servant  to  bring  you  a 
napkin,  but  do  not  take  too  much  notice  of  your 
own  blunder.  Be  absolutely  deaf  and  blind  to 
the  blunders  of  others.  The  dinner  table  is  the 
most  ceremonious  place  in  the  world,  and,  at 
dinner,  etiquette  reigns  supreme. 

But  etiquette  does  not  mean  stiffness.  There 
must  be  an  ease,  a  cordiality,  and  a  grace  and 
good  breeding,  which  makes  all  the  machinery 
work  easily. 

Now,    breakfasts    are    very    different    meals. 


THE   AMERICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS.  303 

here  it  is  proper  for  gentlemen  to  jump  up,  cut 
d,  piece  of  ham  at  the  side-board,  and  wait  upon 
the  ladies  themsel^jps,  dismissing  the  servants,  so 
that  conversation  may  be  free.  Gentlemen  come 
in  lawn  tennis  or  hunting  suits ;  ladies  in  morn- 
ing dresses. 

When  the  breakfast  becomes  dejeuner  d  la  four- 
chette,  or  a  luncheon,  at  12  or  1  o'clock,  the  eti- 
quette becomes  a  little  more  marked,  of  course. 
Bouillon  is  served  in  cups  and  saucers,  and  dishes 
like  sweetbreads,  rissoles,  cutlets,  fried  potatoes, 
game,  pate  defoie  gras,  fruit  and  coffee,  complete 
this  mid-day  dinner.  It  is  a  favorite  form  of  en- 
tertaining at  Newport,  and  is  much  liked  by  gen- 
tlemen, as  it  saves  them  the  f/ene  of  evening 
dress. 

Breakfasts  are  rapidly  becoming  the  fashion, 
too,  in  New  York  and  Washington,  as  people  get 
more  and  more  in  the  habit  of  taking  a  cup  of 
tea  in  their  bedrooms,  working  until  twelve,  and 
then  emerging  for  the  day. 

On  Sunday,  as  most  families  give  their  servants 
the  afternoon,  and  have  an  early  dinner  and  tea, 
the  gentlemen  are  permitted  to  wear  frock-coats 
in  the  evening,   and  to   regard  the  day  as  an 


364         THE  AMJSRtCAN   CODE  OF  MANNEltS. 

''  off "  one,  unless  they  are  invited  to  some  granu 
dinner,  when  they  must,  of  course,  dress. 

Breakfasts  in  England  are^  considered  very  de- 
lightful, because  of  their  utter  informality  and  the 
absence  of  ceremony.  Wedding  breakfasts  are  an 
exception  to  this  general  informality,  for  they  are 
ceremonious.  Wines  are  served  with  salads, 
salmon,  game,  tongues,  hams,  potted  meats,  jellies, 
ices  and  fruit.  It  is,  indeed,  but  the  usual  table 
which  forms  the  supper  at  a  ball.  Here  people 
gather  around  and  are  requested  to  help  them- 
selves, or  allow  the  waiters  to  attend  to  them. 
Tea  and  coffee  are  not  served  at  a  wedding  break- 
fast. 

The  family  breakfast  table  should  be  made  very 
attractive.  Flowers  should  be  placed  everywhere, 
in  summer.  The  napkins,  silver  and  glass  and 
china  should  be  spotless ;  the  butter  should  be 
golden,  the  honey  fragrant  and  fine,  and  the  fresh 
rolls  delicious,  the  coffee  clear  and  the  tea  strong. 
Fruit  should  be  served  when  in  season ;  berries 
and  cream,  peaches  and  cream,  and  all  the  hot 
cakes.  Broiled  chicken,  fried  eggs,  beefsteaks, 
\7hich  our  omnivorous  people  demand  should  be 
ad  for   the    a.sking.      Finger-bowls    should  be 


THE  AMStllOAN  CODE  OF  MANfTBRS.  '6% 

within  reach,  and  the  favorite  beverage,  ice-water, 
should  be  particularly  attended  to.  In  our  very 
prolific  fruit  seasons,  to  begin  with  a  melon 
and  to  end  with  a  peach  is  a  good  "Alpha  and 
Omega." 

Sidney  Smith  liked  breakfast  parties  because, 
he  said,  "  no  one  was  conceited  before  one 
o'clock  !" 

Morning  dress  should  be  faultlessly  clean  and 
neat,  but  simple,  and  utterly  ungai'nished  with 
jewels.  Young  girls  in  white,  and  with  hat  and 
feather,  are  always  pretty.  Elderly  ladies  can 
wear  quiet  silks,  or  the  admirable  cashmere,  or 
even  white  muslin,  if  made  becomingly. 

But,  at  breakfast,  rich  and  rustling  silks,  dia- 
mond rings  and  ear-rings  are  in  the  worst  taste. 
Artificial  flowers  are  detestable.  Elaborate  coif- 
fures are  out  of  place  at  breakfast.  At  home  a 
peignoir,  or  loose  robe,  is  proper  at  breakfast,  but 
not  at  a  watering-place. 

Thick  boots,  Balmoral  stockings,  gants  de  Suede 
and  short  dresses  are  proper  for  a  breakfast 
party. 

Perfumes  should  never  be  used  in  the  early 
morning.     Cologne  water  alone  is  allowable  on 


366  THE  AMERICAN  CODE  OF  MANNERS. 

the  handkerchief,  and  the  indefinable  odor  of 
cleanliness. 

Worsted  or  cotton  gloves  are  never  permissible, 
except  on  the  hands  of  a  servant.  Silk  gloves 
are  now  fashionable  ana  very  refined,  particu- 
larly with  long  arms  to  them.  Men,  as  we  have 
said,  are  always  ungloved,  save  in  riding  or  driv- 
ing. Colored  shirts  and  flannel  shirts  are  worn 
in  the  morning,  often  until  the  dinner  hour,  in 
summer,  and  it  is  proper  to  go  to  an  informal 
breakfast  in  the  informal  dress  of  the  tennis 
ground. 

But  for  a  formal  luncheon  a  man  must 
dress  himself  in  black  frock-coat,  colored  neck- 
tie, and  gray  or  drab  trowsers,  and  with,  of 
course,  a  white  shirt.  A  kettledrum,  a  wedding, 
a  day  reception,  all  call  for  this  same  costume. 
Garden  parties,  too,  demand  the  same  dress. 

Men  now  wear,  for  riding  in  the  Park,  this 
same  costume,  also  corduroy,  boots,  felt  hat  and 
cut-away  coat;  for  lawn  tennis,  flannel  shirts, 
rough  coats,  knickerbockers,  long  gray  woolen 
stockings  and  string  shoes. 

No  man  should  ever  put  on  a  dress-coat  by 
daylight  in  this  country.     It  is  the  fashion  in 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  367 

Paris  to  wear  them  at  morning  weddings  and  on 
New  Year's  Day  and  visits  of  ceremony ;  but  here, 
never. 

Showy  shirt-fronts,  jeweled  studs,  perfumes, 
rose-colored  vests,  too  much  of  any  sort  of  omar 
ment — these  mark  the  cad ;  as  simplicity,  neat- 
ness and  fitness  mark  the  gentleman.  Avoid 
brilliant  cravats  and  shiny  hats  and  flashy  waist- 
coats, as  much  as  you  would  avoid  indifference 
or  inattention  to  propriety.  The  juste  milieu  is 
the  thing. 

If  the  dinner  and  breakfast  and  lunch  are  un- 
derstood, there  seems  to  be  but  two  or  three 
little  things  left  for  us  to  consider  further. 


3b8  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

TEAS,  HIGH  TEAS  AND  CALLS. 

AFTER  an  invitation  to  a  formal  breakfast 
or  luncheon,  a  call  is  quite  as  much  df 
rigxmir  as  after  a  dinner,  but  is  not  required 
after  a  "tea  at  five  o'clock." 

That  is  a  form  of  entertainment  which  means 
to  dispense  with  formal  etiquette  and  to  save 
time.  A  lady  or  gentleman  who  chooses  to  ac- 
cept the  invitation  thus  tendered  has  made  his 
call ;  he  need  not  make  another.  Nor  need  a 
lady  do  more  than  leave  her  card  on  the  day  of 
the  tea  ;  her  duties  are  then  over  for  the  season, 
unless  a  dinner  invitation  follows.  Dinner  in- 
vitations demand  a  speedy  call. 

But  life  would  be  a  sorry  burden  did  every  five 
o'clock  tea  involve  a  call  afterward,  as  well  as 
the  original  visit. 

Five  o'clock  teas  should  be  marked  by  the 
absence  of  any  other  refreshment  than  tea,  thin 
sandwiches  and  cake.  If  even  chocolate  and 
punch  are  added,  there  is  no  longer  an  excuse  for 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MA>'NERS.  36 J 

calling  it  a  "  five  o'clock  tea."  It  has  become  a 
reception. 

The  original  five  o'clock  tea  arose  in  England, 
from  the  fact  that  gentlemen  and  ladies,  before 
they  dressed  for  dinner,  met  to  take  the  slight 
refreshment  of  a  cup  of  tea,  and  to  perhaps  in- 
dulge in  a  little  chat.  Like  everything  informal, 
it  became  very  popular,  and  came  over  to  Amer- 
ica as  an  English  fashion  of  entertaining.  The 
tea-kettle  here,  however,  became  a  floral  deco- 
ration, and  the  five  o'clock  tea  a  party. 

This  has  confused  people  as  to  the  etiquette  of 
leaving  a  card  afterward.  But  we  assure  the 
doubtful,  that  neither  is  the  invited  guest  required 
to  call  again,  nor  is  the  lady  of  the  house  required 
to  call  on  those  who  come  to  her  five  o'clock  tea. 
Her  card  inviting  them  has  entirely  served  the 
purpose. 

There  are  entertainments,  known  as  ''high 
teas,"  which  do  necessitate  a  call.  These  are 
usually  given  on  Sunday  evenings  in  cities ;  but 
at  watering-places,  or  at  country  places,  or  in 
small  rural  cities,  they  take  the  place  of  dinners. 
They  are  very  pretty  entertainments,  and  great 
favorites  in  Philadelphia.    It  is  an  opportunity 


370  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

for  the  hostess  to  show  her  beautiful  cut-glass, 
to  get  out  her  preserves,  to  offer  her  hot  rolls, 
scalloped  oysters  and  delicate  fried  chicken. 
Berries  and  cream,  and  all  sorts  of  delicate 
dishes,  appear  at  the  high  tea,  which  would  be 
lost  at  dinner.  The  hostess  sits  behind  her  silver 
salver  and  pours  the  coffee,  tea  or  chocolate  her- 
self. It  is  only  fair  to  say,  that  this  meal  is  a 
greater  favorite  with  ladies  than  with  gentlemen, 
the  partridges,  mushrooms  on  toast,  pdU  de  foie 
gras,  and  delicately-sliced  cold  ham,  belonging,  in 
the  masculine  mind,  either  to  breakfast  or  lunch, 
and  needing  wine  to  wash  them  down.  But 
young  ladies  who  drink  no  wine  are  devoted  to 
high  teas.  The  invitations  are  always  written  as 
to  a  dinner,  as  only  a  limited  number  can  be 
asked. 

In  the  country  these  high  teas  are  delightful. 
and,  coming  after  a  long  drive  or  a  picnic,  with 
the  solid  accompaniments  of  a  beefsteak  and  a 
baked  potato,  are  very  popular.  Waflfles  and  hot 
cakes,  honey  and  maple  molasses,  all  the  Ameri- 
can dishes,  arc  popular  at  this  meal,  which  has 
no  prototyi)e  in  England  or  on  the  Continent. 

It  is  doubtful  whether  the  high  tea  will  ever 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  371 

be  popular  in  New  York,  where  it  conflicts  with 
the  custom  of  seven  o'clock  dinners.  People  find 
them  antagonistic  to  digestion — it  is  a  violent 
change  of  living.  Tea  and  coffee  taken  in  the 
evening  keep  many  people  awake,  a  single  little 
cup  of  black  coffee,  which  helps  digestion,  being 
the  only  stimulant  that  most  Americans  can  en- 
dure of  the  ''beverages  which  we  infuse." 

Some  ladies,  who  give  three  receptions,  choose 
to  have  a  "  buffet  "  entertainment.  Frozen  cof- 
fee (a  delicious  refreshment),  cold  birds,  meat 
pies,  salads,  salmon,  various  kinds  of  punch, 
biscuits,  and,  perhaps,  jellies,  ices  and  Charlottes 
standing  where  the  guest  can  go  and  help  him- 
self. One  or  two  servants  can  serve  such  a  table  , 
it  is  less  trouble  than  the  hot  oyster  style  of 
thing,  and  even  the  serving  of  tea  is  more  oner- 
ous. It  has  the  advantage,  too,  of  being  scent- 
less ;  while  hot  oysters,  served  in  the  house,  in- 
variably fill  the  house  with  odor.  Perhaps  as 
elegant  a  table  as  is  needed  is  one  where  iced 
tea  and  coffee,  cold  game  and  salad,  and  punch, 
with  pate  de  foie  sandwiches,  stand  invitingly 
ready  through  the  three  hours'  reception. 

On  very  cold  days,  hot  tea  and  bouillon  are,  how- 


372  THE  AltfERICAN  CODE  OF  MANORS. 

ever,  eagerly  sought  for  by  the  shivering  ladies 
who  go  from  house  to  house. 

No  formal  calls  are  made  in  America  on  Sun- 
day. A  gentleman  must  have  a  lady's  permission 
to  call  on  that  day.  In  Europe  it  is  very  differ- 
ent. The  opera  is  never  so  fashionable  as  on 
Sunday  evening ;  dinners  are  always  given,  and 
Sunday  is  especially  a  fete  day.  But  in  America, 
all  dinners  and  teas  are  informal  on  that  day, 
and  generally  confined  to  the  members  of  one's 
family. 

Now,  all  books  of  etiquette  have  a  chapter  on 
"  Cards"  and  card  leaving,  but  no  two  of  them 
agree.  Young  men— who,  in  America,  are  ex- 
tremely remiss  in  social  duties — are  told  in  one, 
that,  if  they  send  their  cards  by  post,  they  have 
requited  the  hospitality  of  the  lady  who  invites 
them.  This  is  far  from  being  the  opinion  of  the 
best  ladies  in  society.  If  a  lady  has  time  to  invite 
a  gentleman  to  dinner,  and  he  comes,  he  should 
certainly  find  time,  either  to  call,  in  person,  on 
her  reception  day,  or  on  some  evening.  It  is  not 
enough  that  he  should  send  a  card  by  post.  The 
only  person  who  is  excused  for  sending  a  card  by 
post  is  he  who  Is  suddenly  called  on  to  leave 


THE  AMEKICAN  CODE  OF   MANNERS.    37S 

town,  or  some  one  who  is,  by  the  death  of  a  rela- 
tive, thrown  into  mourning. 

A  modern  writer  on  etiquette  has  the  following 
rather  plain  talk : 

"  The  properly-trained  youth  does  not  annoy 
those  next  to  whom  he  sits  by  fidgeting  in  his 
chair,  moving  his  feet,  playing  with  his  bread  or 
with  the  table  equipage.  Neither  does  he  chew 
his  food  with  his  mouth  open,  or  talk  with  it  in 
his  mouth.  His  food  is  not  conveyed  in  too  large 
or  in  too  small  quantities  to  his  mouth.  He 
neither  holds  his  head  as  erect  as  a  ramrod,  nor 
does  he  bury  his  face  in  his  plate.  He  handles 
his  knife  and  fork  properly,  and  not  '  overhand  ' 
as  a  clown  would.  He  removes  them  from  the 
plate  as  soon  as  it  is  placed  before  him,  and  he 
crosses  them,  side  by  side,  when  he  has  finished  " 
(Here  we  differ.  The  modern  youth  lets  his  knife 
and  fork  alone,  except  when  he  is  conveying  food 
to  his  mouth  with  them,  or  should  do  so),  ''and 
not  before,  as  this  is  a  sign  which  a  well-drilled 
butler  obser\'-es  for  returning  the  plate  (?).  He 
does  not  leave  his  coffee  or  tea  spoon  in  the  cup. 
He  avoids  using  his  handkerchief  unnecessarily, 
or  disgusting  those  near  him  by  trumpet-like  per- 


3T4  THE    AMERICAN    COBE    OF   MANNERS. 

formances  with  it.  He  does  not  converse  in  a 
loud  tone,  nor  indulge  in  uproarious  laughter. 
If  he  breaks  an  article,  he  is  not  profuse  in 
apologies,  but  shows  his  regret  in  his  face  and  his 
manner  rather  than  in  words.  Tittlebat  Titmouse, 
when  he  broke  a  glass  dish,  assured  his  hostess 
that  he  would  replace  it  with  the  best  in  Lon- 
don !" 

This  is  good,  strong  writing,  and  undoubtedly 
would  have  been  useful  to  the  Roger  Chaw- 
bacons  of  the  fifteenth  century.  But  we  can 
hardly  suppose  that  many  young  men  would,  in 
the  present  day,  need  these  very  practical  hints. 
The  age  is  beyond  them. 

The  great  want  of  all  our  young  people  is  that 
fipiHt  of  respect  which  is  the  foundation  of  all 
breeding,  and  without  which  no  formulas  of  good 
manners  are  worth  much. 

When  a  young  man  sits,  and  allows  a  lady  to 
stand,  when  he  indulges  in  loud,  brutal  laughter 
after  she  has  spoken  to  him  :  when  he  refuses  to 
do  these  acts  of  courtesy  which  were  the  Alpha 
and  Omega  of  chivalry  ;  when  he  accepts  atten- 
tions from  ladies  in  society,  and  makes  no  re- 
sponse, he  is  a  more  unlicked  cub  than  he  who 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  375 

puts  his  knife  and  fork  on  the  table-cloth,  or  who 
drinks  water  from  his  finger-bowl.  The  one 
makes  a  mistake  of  ignorance,  the  other  sins  in 
the  face  of  knowledge  and  of  light. 

There  are  young  men  in  our  fashionable  societj' 
who  try  to  make  themselves  of  importance  by 
being  rude  and  insolent.  They  have  neither  con- 
science, nobility  nor  culture.  Their  reign  is  not 
long. 

All  people  should  learn  to  reply  quickly  to  their 
invitations,  to  keep  their  social  engagements,  and 
to  avoid  snobbery,  slang  and  scandal.  Young 
ladies  should  learn,  not  only  to  talk  well,  but  to 
listen  well.  Interruption  of  the  speech  of  others 
is  a  great  sin  against  good  breeding.  Never  allow 
your  eye  to  stray  abroad  while  talking  with  a 
friend  or  a  new  acquaintance.  Always  speak  a 
person's  name  fully  and  frequently.  Instead  of 
saying  "How  de  do,  Captain,"  say  ''How  do 
you  do.  Captain  Absolute."  Always  give  a  for- 
eigner his  title.  Say  "  Yes,  Mrs.  Brown,^''  if  you 
are  conversing  with  a  lady  older  than  yourself. 
"  Yes,  ma'am,"  "  Yes,  sir,"  are  now  rather  pro- 
vincial and  old-fashioned. 

If  a  lady  invite  you  to  a  ball,  call  as  soon  as 


376  THE   AMERICA>'   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

practicable  after  accepting  her  invitation,  and 
never  fail,  when  at  the  ball,  to  be  presented  to  the 
host ;  and,  if  possible,  ask  the  young  lady  of  the 
house  to  dance  with  you.  If  the  lady  of  the 
house  has  a  reception  day,  always  call  on  that 
day. 

Avoid  all  quarrels  and  altercations  in  public. 
Two  men  who  quarrel  at  a  ball  both  insult  their 
entertainers.  Young  men  who  abuse  the  hospi- 
tality of  their  entertainers  and  drink  too  much  at 
supper  are  recommended  to  mercy,  but  their 
record  is  not  a  favorable  one.  "  The  Man  in  the 
Club  Window"  says:  ''Be  careful  of  what  you 
do  and  what  you  say,  and  how  you  dance,  aft^r 
s^tipper." 

There  are  a  set  of  married  women  in  New  York 
who  are  injuring  society  very  much.  They  rather 
pride  themselves  on  taking  too  much  champagne, 
and,  consequently,  growing  vulgar,  noisy  and 
risqxie  after  supper.     To  them  we  should  say : 

' '  You  are  undoing  the  effect  of  the  civilization 
of  eighteen  centuries.  To  you  the  young  woman 
is  looking  up ;  to  you  the  young  man  is  com- 
mended as  to  a  lofty  ideal.  You  are  debasing 
yourself  and  lowering  the  tone  of  society.'" 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  3VT 

Such  women  should  never  be  invited  but  once. 

There  is  a  belief  on  the  part  of  young  men,  that 
they  should  never  leave  a  lady  standing  alone 
when  they  have  once  begun  to  talk  to  her ;  such 
a  rule  spoils  many  a  young  man's  evening,  and 
no  right-minded,  well-educated,  delicate  woman 
desires  that  a  man  should  consider  her  a  bore  or 
a  drag  upon  him.  She  should,  therefore,  give  him 
an  opportunity  to  leave  her.  Nothing  can  be 
more  uncomfortable  to  a  girl  than  to  see  that  a 
man  is  talking  to  her  and  secretly  hoping  some 
one  shall  come  along  to  relieve  him.  Possibly, 
too,  she  may  desire  the  society  of  some  one  else 
as  much  as  he  does.  It  is  well  for  a  young  lady 
to  say,  in  such  a  case,  "Will  you  take  me  to  a 
seat?"  or  else,  "Do  not  stand  talking  to  me,  I 
beg  of  you — I  do  not  mind  standing  alone ;"  or, 
with  a  bow  and  smile,  gracefully  turn  away  and 
release  a  young  man  ;  he  will  always  like  her  the 
better  afterward.   ■ 

But  pretty  American  girls  have  not  much 
trouble  of  this  kind.  Married  ladies  can  always, 
with  graceful  tact,  give  a  young  man  his  conge 
and  say,  "  Ah !  I  know  you  want  to  go  and  dance, 
do  not  let  me  detain  you."    In  society  it  is  not 


378  THE   A>rERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

considered  a  rudeness  to  leave  after  a  few  remarks 
have  passed.  There  should  be  a  constant  inter- 
change of  civilities.  After  a  gentleman  has  said 
a  few  words  to  a  lady,  he  should,  if  another  gen- 
tleman comes  up,  make  a  bow  and  leave.  No 
gentleman  should  ever  intrude  himself  on  a 
marked  ttte-d-Ute,  and  no  man  of  honor  will 
stand  and  listen  to  a  conversation  in  which  he  is 
not  included.  If  men  could  get  over  their  dread 
of  being  "  cornered,"  they  would  be  twice  as 
agreeable  at  balls  as  they  now  are.  No  man 
should  make  himself  too  ofiBcious  at  a  ball,  or 
annoy  a  lady  by  sticking  too  closely  to  her.  If  he 
does,  she  has  a  right  to  facilitate  his  departure 
by  looking  vaXhevdUtraite,  and  letting  him  see,  by 
her  manner,  that  he  is  taking  up  too  much  of  her 
.eociety. 

In  inviting  people  to  a  large  ball,  it  is  always 
safe  to  invite  twice  as  many  as  you  expect,  such 
is  the  percentage  of  those  kept  away  by  illness  or 
accident.  In  inviting  to  a  reception  at  a  small 
house,  the  avoidance  of  a  crowd  being  an  object, 
allow  the  absence  of  one-third  ;  that  is,  if  you 
want  .seventy-five,  invite  a  hundred,  and  so  on. 

In   England  a  ball-room  acquaintance  seldom 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  3<9 

goes  any  further,  until  they  have  met  more  than 
once.  In  America,  if  the  gentleman  is  properly 
introduced  to  the  young  lady's  mamma  or 
chaperon,  it  is  proper  for  her  to  ask  him  to  call, 
if  she  wishes  to  make  his  further  acquaintance. 

Gentlemen,  however,  who  are  merely  introduced 
to  a  lady  at  a  ball,  for  the  purpose  of  dancing, 
must  wait  for  the  lady  to  recognize  them  the  next 
time  they  meet.  They  are  at  liberty  to  recall 
themselves  by  lifting  their  hats  as  they  pass,  but 
must  not  go  further.  A  young  man,  on  a  first  in- 
troduction, should  not  ask  the  lady  to  dance  but 
once,  unless  she  gives  him  every  encouragement. 

Nothing  can  be  more  underbred  than  for  the 
young  lady  of  the  house  to  devote  herself  to  her 
own  amusement  at  her  own  ball.  She  should,  on 
the  contrary,  attend  to  all  her  guests  and  see  that 
they  have  partners,  if  she  can  obtain  them.  Nor 
should  the  young  men  of  the  house  devote  the 
whole  evening  to  one  young  lady.  They  should, 
on  the  contrary,  in  their  own  house,  endeavor  to 
make  it  agreeable  to  all  their  guests. 

Invitations  for  a  ball  should  be  sent  out  from 
ten  days  to  two  weeks  in  advance,  and  always 
answered  immediately. 


380  THE   AMEBICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  XXXI. 

A   FEW   LAST   WORDS   ON   ETIQUETTE. 

TT  is  a  hard  thing  to  finish  off  any  book,  par- 
ticularly one  which  opens  up,  as  this  does, 
new  avenues  of  thought  perpetually,  as  one  tries 
to  tread  the  broad  path  at  first  marked  out. 

The  questions  which  have  been  put  by  the  kind 
readers  of  our  various  chapters,  as  they  have  ap- 
peared in  The  American  Queen,  will,  however, 
be  glanced  at  in  this  chapter  with  the  hope  that 
our  response  may  help  some  one  out  of  a  difficulty. 

One  asks  for  instruction  as  to  the  letter  of  intro- 
duction. 

On  entering  a  strange  city — London,  for  in- 
stance—with letters  of  introduction,  a  gentleman 
takes  a  cab  and  drives  to  the  address  of  the  peo- 
ple to  whom  he  brings  letters,  and  leaves  them, 
with  his  card,  on  which  his  address  is  fully 
'tated. 

He  must  then  wait  until  he  receives  a  card  in 
return  before  he  makes  any  further  advance. 

In  England  the  greatest  attention   is    always 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    MANNERS.  381 

paid  to  letters  of  introduction.  The  bearer  is 
almost  always  invited  to  dinner,  and  receives 
other  attentions. 

For  this  reason  many  gentlemen  in  America, 
who  are  well  received  in  England,  hesitate  to 
give  letters,  as  it  is  an  almost  certain  demand 
upon  the  host. 

In  this  country  people  are  singularly  inatten- 
tive to  letters  of  introduction,  which  is  a  very 
great  rudeness. 

However,  when  the  letter  is  delivered,  the  person 
who  bears  it  has  no  possible  redress,  if  the  person 
who  receives  it  does  not  notice  it.  With  many 
ladies  in  New  York,  who  have  position  and  influ- 
ence, the  right  of  giving  letters  has  been  much 
abused.  Thus,  a  man  who  has  but  a  very  slight 
acquaintance,  will  introduce  to  Mrs.  Oldfleld  a 
person  who  wishes  to  get  music  scholars,  or  who 
needs  help  in  some  way,  and  this  person,  once  in 
possession  of  Mrs.  Oldfleld's  house  and  valuable 
time,  will  abuse  both.  It  is  this  inherent  wrong 
in  the  introducer  which  has  rendered  the  letter 
of  introduction  so  great  a  bore. 

But,  if  a  lady  receive  a  letter  from  a  friend 
whom  she  values,  she  should  lose  no  time  in 


382  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF    MAX>T;RS. 

sending  for  or  calling  on  the  introduced,  a  simple 
permission  to  call  on  herself  being  all  that  is 
necessary  in  return. 

Many  letters  have  asked  about  calls  and  cards, 
which  have  been  fully  answered,  one  would  think, 
in  the  chapter  devoted  to  that  subject.  How- 
ever, a  few  more  hints  can  be  given. 

Calling  hours  differ  in  the  different  cities. 
From  two  to  five  is,  however,  a  period  in  which 
a  call  can  be  made  in  all.  Among  intimate 
friends  early  morning  informal  calls  are  proper, 
but  the  stranger  can  never  presume  to  call  before 
two.  Many  ladies  who  are  busy,  and  who  desire 
very  much  to  have  some  time  to  themselves,  deny 
themselves  to  guests  on  every  day  but  one  day  in 
the  week. 

It  is  easy  to  ascertain  the  hours  of  a  city  before 
calling,  and,  where  early  dinners  are  the  custom, 
the  call  must  be  made  after  dinner.  It  is  a  great 
mistake  that  we  have  no  national  dinner  hour. 

Ladies  in  cities  dress  with  great  elegance  for 
the  formal  call.  Dark  velvets  and  furs,  in  win- 
ter, and  a  dress  bonnet  are  the  ordinary  adorn- 
ments. Light  silks  and  showy  things  are  in  the 
worst  possible  taste.    In  summer  there  is  always 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  383 

a  relaxation  of  ceremony.  Gentlemen  wear,  for 
calling,  their  usual  morning  dress — a  frock  coat, 
gray  trowsers,  black  cravat,  or  even  those  rough 
garments  which  have  of  late  been  so  fashionable. 

The  French  fashion  of  leaving  cards  without 
inquiring  for  the  lady  is  proper,  but  it  is  not 
popular  in  America.  To  ladies,  whose  visiting 
circle  is  small,  such  a  proceeding  seems  very 
heartless  ;  to  those  whose  circle  is  immense,  and 
whose  time  is  occupied,  it  is  sometimes  impera- 
tive. 

It  is,  however,  one  of  the  uses  of  the  book  of 
etiquette  to  explain  that  the  card  is  a  visit,  and 
can  be  returned,  and  should  be  received  as  an 
attention. 

A  lady  should  always  rise  to  receive  her  visit- 
ors, and  should  extend  a  hand.  It  is  the  Ameri- 
can custom,  and  any  other  style  of  reception 
seems  cold.  A  well-bred  lady  pays  equal  attention 
to  all  her  callers,  particularly  to  those  whom  she 
knows  the  least,  and  who  might  be  hurt  by  her 
inattention. 

It  is  not  customary  to  introduce  the  residents 
of  the  same  city.  Strangers  should  be  intro- 
duced, but  ladies  who  sit  near  each  other  can 


384  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

well  afford  to  speak  to  each  other,  and  to  be 
polite  and  agreeable  to  both  hostess  and  guest. 

The  new  customs  of  reception  days,  and  five 
o'clock  teas,  are  meant  to  save  labor  and  to  make 
all  various  interests  harmonize. 

In  the  fTequent  event  of  an  exchange  of  caUs  be- 
tween two  ladies  who  have  not  met,  they  should 
take  an  early  opportunity  to  speak  to  each  other. 
The  younger  should  seek  the  elder,  or  the  one  who 
has  received  the  first  ci\Tlity  should  speak  first. 
Ladies  who  know  each  other  by  sight  should  bow 
after  the  first  exchange  of  cards. 

Both  ladies  and  gentlemen,  in  making  the  first 
calls  of  the  season,  should  leave  one  card  each  at 
all  the  houses  where  they  call,  even  if  they  find 
the  lady  at  home.  This  is  to  help  the  lady,  who 
makes  these  cards  her  memoranda  for  returning 
her  visits.  Young  men  should  particularly  leave 
cards  and  addresses,  as  a  lady  often  wishes 
to  invite  them  informally,  and  desires  their  ad- 
dress. 

When  an  invitation  to  a  house  is  received  for 
the  first  time,  very  polite  and  formal  people  call 
and  leave  a  card  the  next  day,  to  show  their  appre- 
ciation of  the  civility ;  but  this  is  optional.     In 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OP   MAJSTNEKS.  ^85 

sending  a  first  invitation,  the  card  of  the  head  of 
the  family  should  always  be  enclosed,  if  to  a  gen- 
tlen^an ;  if  it  is  to  a  family,  the  card  of  the  host 
and  hostess  must  be  enclosed. 

After  a  first  invitation,  cards  must  be  left  in 
person,  whether  the  invitation  was  accepted  or 
declined.  The  only  excuses  for  sending  them  by 
post  are  illness  or  mourning. 

After  visitors  leave  the  room,  it  is  in  the  worst 
possible  taste  for  a  hostess  to  discuss  the  char- 
acter or  belongings  of  her  guests,  nor  should 
she  allow  others,  in  her  presence,  to  discusF 
them. 

Gentlemen  should  not  expect  to  receive  invi- 
tations from  ladies,  unless  they  have  called  upon 
them,  or,  at  least,  have  sent  a  card  by  some  friend. 
A  mother  generally  leaves  her  sons'  cards,  a  wife 
her  husband's  ;  and  almost  all  young  gentlemen, 
if  they  have  not  time  to  call,  can  get  some  friend 
to  leave  a  card.  A  first  call,  as  has  been  said, 
should  be  returned  within  three  or  four  days. 
Young  men  should  call  on  each  other.  The  lady 
of  society  who  has  sons  should  impress  this  fact 
upon  them — that  our  friendships,  as  Dr.  Johnson 
once  said,  must  be  kept  in  constant  repair. 


;^6  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

Women  do  so  much  of  the  work  of  society  in 
America,  that  men  are  becoming  very  careless  of 
these  little  matters  of  etiquette. 

It  seems  almost  an  insult  to  suggest  to  any 
young  man  or  woman  in  America,  that  they 
should  not  make  a  rattling  noise  on  the  dinner 
table  with  their  fingers  ;  that  they  should  not 
use  the  toothpick  too  conspicuously ;  that  they 
should  not  clean  their  nails  outside  of  their  dress- 
ing-room ;  that  they  should  not  take  hold  of  peo- 
ple when  addressing  them  ;  that  the  human  body 
is  sacred,  and  should  not  be  elbowed,  shoved,  or 
clapped  on  the  back ;  that  elbows  should  not  be 
put  on  the  table  ;  that  whispering  in  company  is 
not  good  manners ;  that  staring  is  in  bad  taste  ; 
and  that  it  is  vulgar  to  hide  the  mouth,  when 
smiling,  with  the  hand.  All  these  essentials  of 
good-breeding  should  be  taught  in  the  nurserj- : 
and  mostjjeople  of  tact  refrain,  instinctively,  from 
all  that  is  rude  or  coarse. 

But  still,  as  we  have  said,  geod  manners  seem 
to  be  the  privilege  of  tlie  few,  and  we  sometimes 
observe,  in  fashionable  circles,  a  coarseness  and  a 
brutality,  which  is  utterly  and  entirely  worthy  of 
the  stable-yard  and  i^arroora. 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF   MANNERS.  387 

"Disrespect  is  an  unpardonable  vulgarity,"  as 
eays  a  worthy  writer. 

One  of  the  "  disputed  points  of  etiquette  "  is 
this  :  A  lady  gives  a  ball  or  a  reception,  and  some 
one  of  her  friends  finds  herself  left  out. 

She  naturally  does  not  call,  or  make  any 
sign,  after  this,  and  is,  perhaps,  hurt  and  of- 
fended. 

Now  the  first  lady  7ias  sent  a  card  and  it  has 
been  lost ;  who  shall  ever  tell  her  that  the  second 
lady  never  received  it  ? 

Many  friendships  are  impaired  in  this  way,  and 
both  ladies  are  angry,  and  are,  perhaps,  made 
enemies  for  life. 

For  the  lady  who  gave  the  ball  says:  "How 
rude  Mrs.  Oldfield  was  not  to  respond  to  my  in- 
vitation." 

Mrs,  Oldfield  is  in  the  awkward  position  of  not 
knowing  whether  she  was  invited  or  not,  and  no 
lady  likes  to  seem  offended  at  such  a  slight,  for  it 
may  be  that  the  lady  who  gave  the  ball  needed 
room,  and  so  did  not  invite  all  her  friends,  etc. 
The  trouble  grows.  It  is  well  for  the  mutual 
friends  of  the  two  ladies  to  find  out  these  circum- 
stance and  to  make  the  peace. 


S88  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   MANNERS. 

But.  alas  1  society  rather  foments  quarrels 
than  clears  them  away. 

Servants  often  do  their  employers  great  in- 
justice. They  give  wrong  messages ;  they  are 
uncivil  at  the  door ;  they  miscarry  notes ;  they 
deny  one  person  and  admit  another  ;  they  are 
very  apt  to  lie.  The  mistress  of  a  house  cannot 
always,  with  the  best  intentions,  prevent  these 
accidents  from  occurring.  She  must,  however, 
do  her  "  possible,''  as  the  French  say.  A  servant 
is  very  apt  to  take  his  tone  from  his  employers,  and 
be  respectful  if  they  are  cordial,  and  insolent  if 
they  are  insolent. 

A  gentleman  has  written  to  know  when  and 
where  a  man  may  wear  his  hat. 

He  may  wear  it  at  a  garden  party,  in  a  draft, 
at  all  assemblies  in  the  open  air,  and  in  picture 
galleries  and  places  of  public  promenade,  at  a 
smoking,  beer-drinking  summer  concert.  He 
should,  however,  lift  it  in  passing  a  lady  on  a 
hotel  staircase,  lecture  or  concert-room,  or  thea- 
tre. Some  men,  standing,  hold  their  hats  in  their 
hands  whUe  talking  to  a  lady  in  the  street :  but 
this  is  superfluous. 

A   man   should   always  lift  his   hat  if  a   lady 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  389 

hands  him  a  note,  a  bunch  of  flowers,  an  um- 
brella— anything  which  she  raay  wish  him  to  de- 
liver to  another. 

Tact  will  generally  decide  this  question.  If  a 
gentleman  is  in  doubt,  and  wishes  to  put  on  his 
hat  so  that  be  may  not  take  cold,  he  need  only 
say,  "  I  beg  your  permission  to  resume  my  hat," 
and  any  real  lady  will  excuse  him. 

Formerly  it  was  the  custom  for  a  wife  to  take 
her  husband's  arm  on  entering  a  room  ;  but  that 
is  now  considered  old-fashioned.  The  lady  enters 
first,  the  gentleman  following  with  his  crush  hat 
in  his  hand. 

A  good  memory  for  names  and  faces  is  a  price- 
less possession  in  society,  but  all  have  it  not,  and, 
therefore,  after  cultivating  it  and  failing,  do  not 
be  afraid  to  confess  your  failing  and  ask  for  a 
person's  name.  Do  it  so  politely  that  he  cannot 
feel  offended.  Every  one  should  have  the  proper 
self-respect  to  be  aware  that  this  is  not  personal 
to  himself  or  herself. 

Only  the  snobbish,  the  pretentious  and  the  ig- 
norant frequently  take  offense ;  the  good,  the 
?eDsible  and  the  modest  are  seldom  offended. 

Do  not,  in  theatre  or  concert-room,  point  with 


390  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MA>"N-ERS. 

the  finger  at  any  person  whose  locality  you  wish 
to  Indicate  ;  it  gives  great  offense. 

To  ask  an  artist  for  a  ticket  to  his  concert ; 
to  indicate  that  you  wish  for  a  permit  to  go  and 
see  an  exhibition  which  has  to  be  paid  for ;  to 
beg  for  Invitations  ;  to  suggest  that  a  gentleman 
should  hire  a  carriage  for  you— all  these  belong  to 
the  social  marauder,  the  social  gouge,  whose 
character  we  have  sketched  elsewhere. 

It  is  in  bad  taste  for  Americans  to  adopt  the 
coronets,  liveries,  cockades,  of  the  foreign  nobil- 
ity for  their  servants.  Let  every  family  have  a 
decent  livery  of  their  own  for  their  servants,  if 
they  wish,  but  never  steal  the  coat-of-arms.  or  the 
colors,  or  the  coronets,  of  those  families  who, 
perhaps,  earned  them  a  thousand  years  ago  by 
their  valor.  We  have  our  own  nobility,  our  own 
coat-of  arms— we  need  not  steal. 

The  matters  of  raising  a  veil,  or  of  pulling  off 
a  glove,  on  entering  a  house,  have  become  obso- 
lete. It  is  a  personal  thing  \vith  each  individual, 
now,  as  to  the  treatment  of  his  or  her  own  dress. 

On  the  subject  of  bows  and  salutations  we 
have  been  explicit ;  but  still,  it  appears,  there  are 
questions.     We  can  only  add.  that  a  gentleman, 


THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   MANNERS.  391 

when  walking  or  driving  with  a  lady,  should  bow 
when  any  one  bows  to  her,  lifting  his  hat  from 
his  head.  It  is  civility,  also,  to  return  a  bow, 
even  if  you  do  not  know  who  is  bowing  to  you. 
A  bow  does  not  necessitate  an  after  acquaint- 
ance, but  to  neglect  to  return  it  marks  a  churlish 
ill-breeding. 

A  bow  should  not  be  accompanied  by  a  grin 
or  a  broad  smile,  unless  the  parties  are  very  well 
acquainted ;  and  yet,  says  an  English  author, 
"you  should  never  bow  to  a  friend  without  a 
smile  in  your  eyes." 

A  gentleman,  on  meeting  a  lady  in  the  street, 
should  offer  to  carry  her  mantilla,  or  her  parcel, 
if  she  will  allow  him  to  do  so. 

In  ascending  a  staircase,  the  gentleman  should 
go  up  first,  and  not  with,  or  after,  the  lady.  It  is 
optional,  in  the  street,  whether  the  right  arm  or 
the  left  be  offered,  if  an  arm  is  offered  at  all. 

In  regard  to  the  etiquette  of  mourning,  we  have 
had  many  inquiries. 

We  can  only  reiterate,  that  an  early  call  is 
proper,  as  showing  feeling.  A  card  left  in  per- 
son, a  note  written  to  the  afflicted,  is  always  in 
the  best  taste,  if  it  express  the  purest  sympathy. 


392  THE   AMERICAX   COOK   OF   MANNERS. 

As  for  congratulatory  visits,  and  the  cards  and 
notes  written  after  the  engagement,  or  the  wed- 
ding, these  must  be  left  to  the  instinct  of  the 
individual. 

Remember,  however,  that  every  kind  expres- 
sion of  your  sincere  good- will  will  be  a  very 
delightful  souvenir  to  the  young  couple  who  are 
starting  on  an  adventurous  journey. 

And  in  this  last  fragmentary  chapter,  in  which 
we  have  tried  to  answer  the  myriad  questions 
addressed  to  us,  let  us  add  the  hope  that  we  have, 
in  this  little  book,  touched  the  key-note  of  good- 
breeding,  and  that  we  have  made  manifest  the 
fact,  that  the  best  guide  to  fair  manners  is  an 
honest  and  a  good  heart. 


INDEX. 


PAGB8 

INTRODUCTORY 7  to  19 

A  New  Departure— A  Distinctive  Class— Society  a 
Convention  —  Marie  Antoinette— The  Polite  Man 
the  Firmest— The  Enfranchised  Woman— Woman 
makes  Etiquette— Chivalry  of  American  Men— Our 

:  Young  Countrywomen  Abroad— A  Spoiled  Child— 
Eespect  for  Those  in  Authority— A  President's 
Reception — Solecisms  —  Unconscious  Solecisms- 
Anecdote  of  General  Jackson— American  Etiquette 
Not  Slavish. 

CHAPTER  1 20  TO  31 

•  The  Young  Man  Who  Desires  to  Enter 
Society. 
Old  Story  of  George  the  Fourth— Young  Man  from 
the  Plains— The  Necessity  of  Letters  of  Introduc- 
tion—Gentlemen's Evening  Dress— The  Prince  of 
Wales— The  Care  of  the  Hand— Rings— A  Theatre 
Party— Eastern  and  Western  Etiquette— Morning 
Dress— Neatness— Dri^^ng  Out— The  Improvement 
of  Mind— Clubs— Sir  Walter  Raleigh— The  Proper 
Form  of  a  Note. 

CHAPTER  II 32  TO  44 

A  Young  Lady's  Entrance  into  Society. 
Dresses  from  Paris— Clandestine  Meetings— A  Presi- 
dent's Wife— "  Respect  Your  Parents"— A  Young 
Schoolmistress— A  Southern  Lady— A  Chaperon- 
French  Proverb— The  Complexion— Strong  Per- 
fumes—Cleanliness the  Foundation  of  Elegance- 
Cold  and  Warm  Baths— Health— The  Mother  First 
in  Everything— An  English  Governess— A  Spanish 
Duenna— A  True  Chaperon— Inviting  People  to  a 
First  Ball  —  Watching  Her  Own  Manners  — Lord 


394  INDEX. 

Houghton— The  Voice,  Not  Too  Loud— At  the  The- 
atre—Love and  Marriagre— Respecting  a  Seal— In- 
troducing a  Daughter— The  Etiquette  of  the  Ball- 
room. 


CHAPTER  III 45  TO  57 

A  Young  Couple  on  their  Extranxe  rNTo 
Society. 

Bringing  a  Young  Ladvfrom  Another  Citv— At  Sea- 
How  to  Begin— The  Crucial  Test— A  Jaded  Man  of 
Fashion  — The  Second  Danger  —  Push  —  Mrs.  Leo 
Hunter—"  If  She  is  Wise"- Sending  Cards-Din- 
ners-Evening  Receptions- A  Y'oung  Married 
Woman— A  Foolish  Fear— Patience  as  a  Handmaid 
—Not  Ashamed  of  Poverty— A  Young  Couple  Too 
Devoted  in  Public— The  Duty  of  Writing  Notes— 
The  Husband's  Duty— Butterflies  and  Bees— Good 
Management— The  Duties  of  a  Y'oung  Couple  to 
Older  People. 


CHAPTER  IV 58  to  70 

Dinners    Large    and    Small— their     Eti- 
quette, Number  of  Courses  and   Limita- 
tions. 
Importance  of  Dinner  Engagements— Form  of  Card 
and  Acceptance—"  R.  S.  V.  P  "—A  Good  Dinner 
Giver— Dinners  Better  Cooked  at    Home— Hiring 
Waiters— Gas.  Candles.  Lamps— Composure — Con- 
genial Company— The  Essentials  of  a  Perfect  Din- 
ner—The Grecian  Vase. 


CHAPTER  V 71  TO  82 

State  Dinners,  Formal  Dinners  and  Fa- 
mous Dinners. 
The  Rus.sian  Dinner— General  Washington— A  Splen- 
did Picture— The  Host  Enters  First— How  to  Use 
Napkin  and  Fork— Customs  in  Germany— The 
Epergne— Flowers— A  Round  Table— Five  Minutes 
Grace  for  the  Tardy— A  Boutuniiiereand  Card— To 
be  Agreeable  at  Table— Instructing  Servants— The 


INDEX.  395 

Butler— The  Host— Women  Taught  to  Carve— Not 
Too  Crowded  Diplomatic  Dinners— Colored  Cooks 
—Dinner  Cards— Health. 

CHAPTER  VI 83  to  94 

Keceptions,  Teas,  Lttncheoxs. 

The  Proper  Dress  at  the  Reception— Conveniences 
and  Drawbacks— Form  of  In\itation— Cards  Left 
—Tea  at  Four  o'clock— The  Departure  from  the 
Orisrinal  Idea— Form  of  Card— Numerals— Youne: 
Gentlemen  Should  Make  an  Evening:  Call— Dancing 
at  Day  Receptions— Music— The  Table— Evening 
Parties— At  Homes— Reception  to  a  Distinguished 
Person— The  Pre-eminence  of  the  Hostess— Musical 
Parties— A  Sensible  Reformation— The  Etiquette 
of  the  Ball-room— Gentlemen  in  the  Supper-room. 

CHAPTER  VII 95  TO  106 

Who  Should  Bow  First  ?  Who  Should 
Speak  First?  Who  Should  Call  First"? 
A  Sliding  Scale— Earl  de  Grey  and  Fdvon—youveaux 
Biches— Who  Shall  Bow  First?— Etiquette  in  Wash- 
ington—To Get  On  in  Society— Serene  Courtesy— A 
Social  Leader— Snobs— Introducing  People— A 
Truly  Hospitable  Hostess— The  Etiquette  of  the 
Hat— Exclusiveness— Lady  Waldegrave— Cutting 
an  Acquaintance— Adventurers— Social  Marauders 
—The  Sieve  at  the  Door— Kind  Inquiries— The 
Jeunesse  Bw'ee. 

CHAPTER  Viri 107  TO  118 

Conduct  in  a  Crowd. 

A  Matinee— Presence  of  Mind— Frankness  Mistaken 
for  Boldness— A  Fancy  Fair— Eccentricity— Lady 
Bulwer— Quarreling  in  Public— AWoman  Chivalrous 
in  Friendship-Not  to  Talk  Too  Well-The  For- 
tress of  Fashion— A  Safety-Gauze  Mask— Never 
Observe  a  Slight— How  to  Live  Amid  the  Contests 
of  Society— Be  Grave  and  Decorous— A  Salutation 
and  its  Language— The  Manners  of  Young  Women 
Apt  to  be  Too  Careless— The  Duty  of  a  Leader  of 
Society— Never  Advertise  Your  Failures. 


CHAPTER  IX 119  to  131 

The  Etiquette  of  Weddings,  of  Calls  of 
Congratulation  and  of  Sympathy. 
The  First  Intimation  of  an  Enfragement— Wrong 
Done  to  Young  Ladies— A  Premature  Suraiise— An 
Engagement  King— Money  an  Important  Factor— 
Gi\ing  of  Bridal  (ilfts— Want  of  Delicacy— Silver- 
ware—Form  of  Card— Etic^uette  of  the  Engaged 
Pair— Bridesmaids— The  Bnde's  Mother— The  Leav- 
ing Home— Tin-owing  the  Slipper— Old  Welsh  Tra- 
dition—The Houennoon— Widows'  Weddings- 
Calls  of  Sympathy. 


CHAPTER  X 132  TO  145 

American  Mistakes. 

The  American  Girl  in  Europe— Sardou'sl'ncle  Sam- 
Rich  Uneducated  Americans  in  Europe— Peculi- 
arity of  our  Political  System— Non-Conventionality 
—Ignorance  of  tlie  Cobweb  Wall  of  Etiquette— Mr. 
Motley  and  the  Young  American  Heiress— All 
Amencans  of  the  Same  Social  Rank  in  th<^  Eyes  of 
Foreigners— The  Innocent  Women  Who  Shock  Eu- 
rope—The American  Adventuress  an  Original 
Srpe— Mrs.  Henry  V.  Clams— The  Relation  of 
other  to  Daughter— An  American  Di.sability— The 
American  Colony  in  Europe— A  Clifford,  a  Howard, 
a  Cond^— Patronage— Foreigners  Who  Make  Good 
Husbands— American  Snobbery. 

CHAPTER  XI 14«  TO  157 

Social   Observances    Toward    Foreigners 
and  Toward  Our  Own  Great  People. 

Avoiding  a  Slavish  Imitation— The  Norroy  King  at 
Arms— Shakinf?  Hands- The  French  Princes— A 
Little  Concession  to  Old  World  Etiquette— How  to 
Treat  the  President— Nt^torious  Lion  Hunters- 
Snobs  Thrusting  Themselves  In— Flies  in  Oint- 
ment—Cold Lunches  and  How  to  Make  Them— 
Morning  Entertainments.  Reasons  Against  Them— 
Giving  of  Titles— Never  Abuse  the  Appearance  of 
Intimacy— American  Women  Avoiding  the  Insignia 


I 


INDEX.  397 

of  Rank— The  Toad-stools— Find  Out  if  Your  Prince 
be  Genuine— Lord  Houghton- The  Dean  of  West- 
minster. 


CHAPTER  XII 158  TO  169 

Young  People  at  a  Watering  Place. 
Mistaking  Notoriety  for  Fame— Bathing  Dresses- 
Conspicuous  Dress— Flirtation— Observing  Foreign- 
ers— Americans  Gregarious— Each  One  Should  be 
on  Guard— Young  Married  Women — Flirtations  of 
Married  Men— Married  Flirts— Excessive  Liberty 
Permitted  to  American  Youth— Too  Youthful  Mar- 
riages—Youn^  Engaged  Couples  at  a  Watering 
Place— Speakmg  Without  an  Introduction — Young 
Men  Should  Not  Push— Great  Carelessness  in  Giving 
Letters— Mock  Countesses  and  Undesirable  Adven- 
turesses—The Bad  Manners  at  a  Watering  Place— 
Scandal— Good  Hotels— Newport. 

CHAPTER  XIII 170  to  181 

A  Haughty  Hostess. 
A  Mock  Dignity— Insulting  Manners  of  Certain  New 
York  Women— Lady  Holland— HI  Tem])er  and  Bad 
Manners— The  Duties  of  a  Hostess— An  Anecdote 
from  Life— A  Married  Lady  All  Powerful— Particu- 
larity of  Invitations— A  Strange  Mistake— A  Rural 
University  Form— A  Hostess  an  Enormous  Social 
Power— Never  Reprove  Servants  Before  Company 
—Punctuality  the  Courtesy  of  Kings— Mrs.  Early- 
bird— Mrs.  Heavyfeather— English  Women  Charm- 
ing Hostesses— " iVofi^se  Oblige''— l^o  Instinct  of 
Hospitality— Ignorance— Avoid  the  Vulgarity  of 
Rudeness. 


CHAPTER  XIV 182  to  193 

The  Etiquette  of  Cards. 

The  Alpha  and  Omega— A  Clearing-house  for  Cards 
—Lady's  Card— Gentleman's  Card- The  Etiquette 
of  a  First  Call— Giving  an  Entertainment— First 
Invitations— When  to  Return  a  Call— Men  Should 
Dress  for  Dinner  and  an  Evening  Call— Watering 


'tfb  INDEX. 

Place  Etiquette— Where  Cards  Should  be  Left- 
New  Year's  Calls— How  Cards  Should  be  Enj^raved 
—A  Persistent  I^oring  of  Rules— Betrothals  in 
Europe— Calling  Hours  in  New  York— Who  to 
Leave  Cards  For— Sendintr  Visiting  Cards  by  Post- 
Where  Shall  Cards  be  Sent  to  a  Young  Couple 
Married  in  Church— The  Card  a  Medium  for  Invi- 
tations. 


CHAPTER  XV 194  to  20e 

Flirtation  and  Increasing  Fastness  of 
Manner. 

Flirtation  of  Married  Women  After  Their  Daughters 
are  Grown  Up— Fastness  of  Manner— A  Woman 
Improving  Her  Fashionable  Position  by  Her  Flirta 
tions — Fast  Girls— Short-lived  Successes— Flirtation 
the  High  Road  to  Notoriety— Elderly  Vanity— Mrs. 
Feathercap— Scrabbling  for  a  Position— Ladies  in 
the  Highest  Sense  I*r()fe.<5sional  Beauties— Result 
of  Flirtatious  Manners— The  "Brand  on  the  Fore- 
head "—The  Ignis-Fatuus— The  Perfect  American 
Woman— The  Cliristian  Church  and  the  Institution 
of  Chivalry— Delilah— The  Rod  of  Empire— Talking 
Too  Loud— The  English  Voice. 


CHAPTER  XVI 207  TO  218 

The  Manners  of  Youno  Men. 

The  Good  Manners  of  the  Best— The  Englishman  a 
Finer  Man  at  Sixty— Arsene  Houssaye  on  the 
Young  Frenchman— Fop  and  Dandy  of  the  Past- 
Young  Men  Should  Study  Manners— American 
Savages — A  Splendid  National  Peculiarity— A 
Doubtful  Man— Brutality  of  Manner— The  Admira- 
ble Crichtons  of  To-day— Young  Men  Should  Avoid 
Boasting— A  Serious  Flirtatif»n  With  a  Married 
Woman— A  Bloodh'ss  Dut-l- The  Valuable  Addi- 
tion to  Society— Enamel  on  Gold— Mme.de  Remusat 
—The  Frank  Smile— The  Courteous  Bow. 


INDEX.  399 

CHAPTER  XVII 219  TO  229 

Real,  and  Conventional  Breeding. 

Slight  Distinction  Between  the  Two  Breedings— The 
Grand  Ceremonials  of  Court— Mr.  Everett  and  the 
Duchess  of  Kent— A  Gentleman  at  Heart— English- 
men Dai-ing  to  be  Rude— All  American  Women 
Duchesses —  "  Cos/'m?«6  de  Voyageur''''—Mv.  Long- 
fellow—Politenesss  of  Italian  Ladies— Talking 
Slang— Neither  Real  nor  Conventional  Ladies— The 
Carefulness  of  the  Real  Gentleman— Neatness- 
Artificial  Observances— Imposing  Unpopular  Opin- 
ions on  One's  Host. 

CHAPTER  XVIII 230  TO  241 

The  Ethics  of  Dress. 

The  Worldly  Wisdom  of  Old  Polonius— The  Empress 
Eugenie— The  Luxury  of  Queen  Bess  Outdone— Is 
Dress  Worth  the  Trouble  it  Costs'?— New  York 
Dressmakers — Seamstresses  in  the  House— A  Grow- 
ing Taste  for  Plain  Clothes— Dress  Made  to  Dignify 
the  Human  Body— The  Ox  Who  Strove  to  Gambol 
with  the  Gazelle— Lord  Byron— The  Ethics  of  Dress 
Should  Express  Sex— Tne  Puritan  Fathers— A 
Mother  Should  Dress  Better  than  Her  Daughter- 
Allowing  the  Hair  to  Become  White. 


CHAPTER  XIX 242  to  252 

An  American  Returned  from  Europe. 

Nationality— Britannia  Ware— Green  Travelers- 
No  American  Can  Be  Nationalized  Abroad— The 
Question  of  Liveries— Beau  Brummel— An  Ameri- 
can Should  Not  Abuse  His  Country— The  Bien  Etre 
of  New  York— An  Affected  Habit  of  Speech— Cow- 
per— The  Good  Influence  of  a  Returned  Traveler— 
The  Need  of  Good  Servants— The  Italian  Marquis 
—The  Collector— The  Americans  a  Musical  People 
—The  Glib  Talkers— A  Judicious  Economy— Mr. 
Cobden— What  Part  of  European  Civilization  to 
Copy, 


400  INDEX. 

CHAPTER  XX 253  TO  265 

The  Money  Marriage  Market, 

Calculating  Romeos— Respectable  Fortune  Hunters 
—Mere  Adventurers— French  Marriages— False  Eti- 
quette of  the  Age— Pursuit  (jf  an  Heiress  in  a  Large 
City— A  Gilded  Turveydrop— A  Woman  Marrying 
for  Money— A  Portionless  Lady  Sarah— Elegant 
Sjmonyms  for  Rich  Men's  Vices— All  Rich  Maniages 
Not  Unhappy— A  Positive  iloral  Obligation— The 
Sleek  Lazy  Horse.and  the  Full-blooded  liacer— The 
Selfish  Existence — A  Cold-blooded  Snob — A  Rob- 
ber Baroness— Butchers  in  Disguise  —  "  Please, 
dear  Juliet,  Give  Me  a  Ducat  "—The  "  Mariage  de 
Convenartce.'" 

CHAPTER  XXI 26fi  to  277 

Recognition  and  Salutation. 

"Be  Careful  Not  to  Bow  Too  Low"— The  Quick 
Recognition— Cultivating  a  Manner —"  Z,'A*p/t/ 
d'Aifco/i^"- A  Pleasant  Bow— A  Poor  Memory  for 
Faces— The  Social  Barometer— A  Conventional 
Bow— Genial  and  Cordial  Salutations  and  Their 
Power— To  Meet  One's  Fate  Half-way— A  Stentorian 
Voice— Saluting  the  Dead— An  Unkind  Salutation 
—Captain  .Jackson— Kind  and  Polite  Salutations 
at  Home— The  Reverse— A  '' Malade  Imarjinuire'''' 
—Yankee  Plaiimess— A  Respect  for  Superiors. 


CHAPTER  XXII 278  to  287 

The  Arab  Law  op  Hospitality. 

The  Etiquette  of  Being  a  Guest— An  English  Country 
House— Punctuality  —  Arab  Maxims  —  Respecting 
the  Fireside— '•  Rede  the  Rede  of  the  Old  Roof 
Tree"— Breakfast  an  Informal  Meal— Dinner  and 
its  Laws— Suggestions  as  to  Subjects  to  be  Avoided 
—The  Family  Dog— Tlie  Servants— Never  Join  in 
Family  C|uarrels—Sell-love— Visiting,  a  Slavery— 
Too  Independent  People  Cannot  be  Guests- 
Punctuality  and  Graciousness. 


INDEX.  401 

CHAPTER  XXIII 288  to  298 

Characteristics  op  Different  Cities. 

Washington  a  Cosmopolitan  Foreign  City— Mrs.  Fish 
—New  York— Respectable  Aristocracies— Philadel- 
phia and  Boston— Daniel  Webster— The  'Athens  of 
America"— Charles  Calvert— Lord  Baltimore— New- 
Orleans,  the  "Paris  of  America"— Adventurers- 
Predatory  Arabs— Never  Hastily  Accept  a  Verbal 
Invitation— Never  Trifle  with  a  Dinner  Invitation 
—Newport— A  Clearing-house  for  Cards— Exclusive 
People— Description  of  New  York. 

CHAPTER  XXIV 299  to  311 

The  Morals  of  Fashion. 

The  Married  Flirts— What  Does  Fashion  Mean?— 
Picking  One's  Way  through  the  Excesses— Madame 
de  Sevigne— The  Prince  of  Wales— The  Morals  of 
Fashion— A  Fashionable  Charity— Making  All  Sorts 
of  People  —  Noble  Women  of  Fashion  —  Effete 
Young  Men  of  Fashion— Fashion  at  Her  Best— Nat- 
ural Powers  of  Fascination— The  Stuff  of  which 
Fashion  is  Made— The  Subtile  Influence  which 
Rules  the  World— Scott,  Dickens  and  Byrcm  Sub- 
ject to  the  Influence  of  Fashion. 


CHAPTER  XXV 312  to  322 

Several  Kinds  of  Exclusiveness. 

An  Aristocracy  of  Self-made  Men— Mrs.  Mont  Blanc 
—Mrs.  Gushing  Stream— Mrs.  Lindenmere— Exclu- 
siveness Another  Name  for  Snobbery— Exclusive- 
ness in  Religion— Helping  a  Woman  of  Fashion— 
The  Bold  Ideas  Govern  the  World— A  Wise  Exclu- 
siveness—Inviting  Those  who  are  Congenial— To 
Form  a  SaXon—Nouveau  ^ic^e— Copying  English 
Insolence— Advising  a  Young  Person  Not  to  Choose 
His  Friends  from  a  Worldly  Point  of  View— Objec- 
tionable Men  and  Women  Getting  Into  Society— 
An  Ideal  Exclusiveness. 


402  INDEX. 

CHAPTER  XXVI 323  to  334 

Breeding,  Cultivation  and  Manners. 

Good  Breeding  Putting  Nature  Under  Restraint— A 
Well-bred  Woman— Bad  Manners  of  Fashionable 
Young  Men  — No  Cultivation —A  Rich  Wife— A 
"  Dig"— The  Age  a  Revolutionai-y  One— An  Admir- 
able Crichton  Po.ssible— The  Fast  Girl  of  the  Period 
—The  Varied  Education  of  the  Well-bred— Making 
the  Heart  Right— To  Have  Nothing  Left  of  a  Great 
Ancestor  but  His  Bad  Manners— The  Storys— The 
Astors— A  Pretty  "  uld  Lady"— An  "  Old  Gentle- 
man"—The  Manners  of  the  Past  Founded  on  Re- 
spect for  Others. 

CHAPTER  XXVII 335  to  346 

The  Duties  op  Americans  to  Society. 

The  Political  Embarrassment— Bard  well  Slote— The 
Polished  Man  from  Boston— The  Ladies  of  the 
White  House  -Insolent  Independence— Manners 
the  Open  Sesame— Rai.sing  tlie  Tone  of  Society 
—Solecisms— Camel's-hair  Shawls  and  Ear-rings 
in  Traveling— A  Disdain  of  Privacy— A  Social  Con- 
science—Youn^  Wives  in  Europe— A  Quaint,  Old- 
fashioned  I^>liteness— American  Manners  Should 
Have  Originality— The  Power  of  an  American  Girl 
—The  Belle  of  the  Sea.son— The  Manners  of  the 
Old  World. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 347  to  350 

The  Use  of  Certain  Words. 

"  A  Genteel  Thing  "— "  I  Love  Melons  "—American 
Use  of  Pronouns— Adoption  of  Slang— Teaching 
Declamation— Exaggeration— Reserve  in  Conver- 
sation—"A  Very  Fine  Gentleman  "—The  Word 
"Vulgar  "—Good  Manners  the  Garments  of  Eveiy 
Day— "Thank  You"  and  "  Thanks  "—"  Good 
Afternoon  "—A  Decay  in  the  Art  of  Conversation 
—Puns  Should  be  Avoided— Reading  and  Good 
Taste. 


INDEX.  403 

CHAPTER  XXIX 357  to  367 

Dinners  and  Breakfasts  Once  More  Con- 
sidered. 
From  Whom  to  Accept  Invitations— Etiquette  of 
Waiting,  of  Introducing— Good  Manners  at  Table— 
"  When  Fingers  and  When  Forks  1"— Not  Waiting 
for  Others— Finger  Bowls— American  Taste  for  Ice 
Water— The  Best  Moment  for  Story  Telling— Com- 
posure at  the  '\:ab\e—DeJei1,ner  a  la  Fourchetfe— 
Breakfasts  at  Twelve— Sunday  Dinners  and  Teas- 
Wedding  Breakfasts — Home  Breakfasts— Sidney 
Smith— Morning  Dress— A  Formal  Luncheon— Sim- 
plicity in  Dress  the  Mark  of  a  Gentleman. 

CHAPTER  XXX 368  to  379 

Teas,  High  Teas  and  Calls. 
A  Call  de  Bigueur— The  Freedom  of  Five. o'clock 
Tea— High  Teas  and  Their  Delights— A  Buffet  En- 
tertainment—No Formal  Calls  Made  on  Sunday— 
A  Chapter  on  "  Cards  "—Practical  Hints— The 
Alpha  and  Omega  of  Chivalry— The  Necessity  of 
Keplying  Quickly  to  Invitations— The  Giving  of 
Titles— Avoid  Quarrels  in  Public—"  After  Supper  " 
—A  Lady  Giving  a  Young  Man  a  Chance  to  Get 
ii\v  ay— Giving  Him  His  Conge— 'Never  to  Intrude  on 
a  Tete-a-tete— Invite  More  People  to  a  Ball  than 
You  Expect— The  Conduct  of  Young  Gentlemen 
after  a  First  Invitation. 

CHAPTER  XXXI 380  to  392 

A  Few  Last  Words  on  Etiquette. 
Letters  of  Introduction— Calling  Hours  in  Different 
Cities— Ladies'  Dress— The  French  Fashion  of 
Leaving  Cards— Not  Customary  to  Introduce  Resi- 
dents of  the  Same  City— The  First  Calls  of  the  Sea- 
son—After a  First  Invitation— A  Gentleman  Must 
Call  or  Send  a  Card  Before  Expecting  an  Invitation 
—Disrespect  an  Unpardonable  Vulgarity— Disputed 
Points  of  Etiquette— A  Servant's  Mistakes—"  When 
Maya  Man  Wear  His  Hat?"— Taking  One's  Hus- 
band's Arm— The  Manners  of  the  Theatre  and  the 
Concert-room— The  Etiquette  of  Mourning— Con- 
gratulatory Visits. 


Andrews'  Bazar, 

THE  LEADIM  FASHION  JOURNAL  OF  THE  DAY, 

Has  the  Largest  Circalation  of  any  paper 
of  its  class  in  the  United  States. 


It  is  a  magnificent  16-page  journal,  printed  on 
elegantly  tinted  paper,  superbly  illustrated,  and.  is 
fiUed  with 

A  WEALTH  OF  FASHION  NEWS. 

In  London,  Paris  and  Berlin,  the  best  modistes  in 
those  great  fashion  centres  are  under  contract  to 
furnish,  by  every  steamer,  exact  patterns  of  every 
new  style  as  it  is  turned  out  of  their  workshops, 
hence  ANDREWS'  BAZAR  is  always  in  advance  of 
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In  addition  to  its  Fashion  Department,  its  literary 
contents  are  unexcelled. 

A    BRILLIANT    SERIAL, 

by  an  eminent  writer,  is  always  an  attraction,  while 
its  essays  on  Books,  the  Arts  and  Sciences,  Short 
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Its  low  Subscription  Price— only  One  Dollar 
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Every  subscriber  is  entitled  to  a  valuable  Pre- 
mium, for  particulars  of  which  see  THE  BAZAR. 

Sample  copies  mailed  to  any  address  upon  receipt 
of  ten  cents. 

W.  R.  ANDREWS,  Publisher, 

Tribune  Building,  New  York 


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